The Tick vs The Idea Men

The Tick vs. The Idea Men

This episodes villian:


(screen says in plain letters "begin")

Announcer: **ahem** And how long have been a superhero?

Tick: Me? Well, I guess I've always been a superhero. I don't know much else!

Announcer: Arthur, what's the Tick really like?

Arthur: The Tick? He's great. He's a little hard to work with sometimes but he's stronger than anyone.

Tick: Listen. Ours is an epic tale. True friendship, heart stopping adventure. Men and Women in tights. Makin' the rules and breakin' 'em. We are not 2 men we are 10 men! Listen! It all started in Reno.

(camera moves over a "Hall of Justice" looking building as the Tick speaks)

Tick (narrating): Every year heroes flock to the National Super Institute to win the best cities to protect from crime.

Announcer 2: Ladies and gentlemen, The Blowfish Avenger.

(Blowfish Avenger suddenly inflates, knocking over a microphone)

(cut to a panel of superheroes with a blinking sign overhead reading "New Rochelle")

Announcer2: Avenger gets New Rochelle. Way to go Blow.

Tick: One year I decided to compete.

(The Tick slams open the doors pushing a large box)

Tick: Hello, Reno! I am the Tick!

(Tick pushes button-activating box revealing spiked objects, etc. Sirens whistle)

Tick: I am mighty! But you may ask how does one prove his mightiness? To this I answer by surviving the deadliest engine of destruction 1974 had to offer! Ladies and gentlemen you may want to shield yourself with your desert menus, I might be dangerous!

(Tick sits down in chair pulls lever. Small Hammer konks him on the head.)

Tick: Well, this is disappointing.

(Large thing on chain comes down, explodes)

Tick: Whoa-ho...

(Panel, now blackened, sign reads "The City" before it falls)

Tick (narrating): And the rest is history!

(bus rides through destiny)

Tick: Denstiny. Destiny's powerful hand has made the bed of my future and it's up to me lie in it. I am destined to be a superhero, to right wrongs, and pound two-fisted justice into the hearts of evil doers everywhere. You don't fight destiny, no sir, and you don't eat crackers in the bed of life or you get all...

(passengers on bus groan)

Tick: ...scratchy. Hey, I'm narrating here!

(bus continues to move, backgrounds changing.)

Tick: They've assigned me a city. My mission: to free it from the ravages from evil and super villainy. So it's citizens may sleep easy, secure in the knowledge that they are protected. The City: my The City. It's cries to me of its need.

(In the City two superheroes are swinging on ropes when one hits the other)

Superhero: Excuse meÖ.

(cut to a business office with telephones ringing and typewriters typing)

Mr. Weiderspan: **ahem** Arthur.

Arthur: Yes, Mr. Weiderspan?

Mr. Weiderspan: Arthur, Iím afraid the firm feels itís time to allow you the opportunity to peruse other avenues of employment.

Arthur: Iím fired? Is there a problem with my work?

Mr. Weiderspan: Well, ArthurÖ itísÖ ITíS THAT STUPID BUNNY OUTFIT!

Arthur: Oh, no not bunny sir, moth. Itís my moth suit. Actually, itís a flying suit. The wings are in my briefcase.

Mr. Weiderspan: Arthur, youíre making the other accountants nervous. We all find this kind of rampant individuality very disturbing.

Arthur: I know you think Iím crazy Mr. Weiderspan, but Iím not!

(Crusading/Caped Chameleon appears in the background, not visible to Arthur. Heís jumps on the window and crawls his way upward.)

Arthur: Itís just that ever since I found this suit Iíve felt strange new needs, urges. I canít live this life a moment longer. Somewhere out there a life of destiny and adventure waits out there for me.

(Arthur picks up his briefcase and begins to walk out)

Arthur: Accounting is a fine skill to fall back on but the road less traveled, much less traveled, the moth suit and wings road, is a lot more exciting then taxes.

(The Tickís bus arrives at The City. As he gets off the bus rocks and dents the neighboring one.)

Tick: City! It is I, The Tick, your destined defender! Show me where it hurts.

(he looks up a tall building)

Tick: Tall!

(he is in an elevator with many people humming loudly)

(atop the building)

Tick: Oh, thereís crime here, I can smell it! I can taste it! So I begin my first patrol of the City with one giant leap.

(Tick jumps off building, begins running rooftop to rooftop)

Tick: Soon they will know me. Soon, they will need me.

(Back on the ground)

Arthur: Well, great now Iím unemployed. How am I gonna find adventure and excitement when I canít even cover my expenses.

(Back on the roofs, Tick is still jumping grunting as he runs.)

Tick: Aha-ha! And double flipó

(Tick runs off building)

Tick: Aha-ha! Iíll bounce off that flagpole and flip to safety!

(Tick breaks off flagpole)

Tick: Aha-ha. Iíll bounce off that broad flat surface.

Arthur: If I donít eat out, and if I reverse my underwear to get an extra dayÖ

(Tick sees Arthur on ground below him)

Tick: Or maybe notÖ

(Tick goes through pavement)

Tick: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Arthur: Are you all right?

Tick: Iím fine. Iím a superhero. Iím nigh invulnerable. Iím built for this kind of thing.

Arthur: Nice outfit. A superhero?

Tick: Known to evil-doers everywhere asÖ The Tick.

(Tick gets out of road)

Arthur: Iím Arthur, known to taxpayers everywhere as "The Accountant." Iím looking for adventure.

Tick: Come have lunch with me Arthur, adventure will follow.

(Tick and Arthur go to diner)

(At the diner Tick and Arthur have some tea or coffeeÖ something out of a mug.)

Tick: Why would they send a superhero of my caliber to a place like this?

(Camera shows a man also drinking something that looks a remarkably lot like Clark Oppenhimer from the comics)

Tick: Iím not even sure this city needs a champion.

Another man at counter: So? Youíre a superhero huh? And what sort of costume is that supposed to be?

Tick: Costume? No costume, friend. I am simplyÖ The Tick.

Man: Well you canít beÖ The Tick. Ticks are arachnids they got eight legs.

Tick: How do you know I donít?

Man: Tickís suck blood. Do you suck blood?

Tick: UhÖ yeah sure. I suck blood all the time.

Man: Yeah, right!

Tick: Look, pal, Iíve got a straw right here. Do you want a demonstration?

Man: No, no, thanks. No.

(An explosion is heard in the distance)

Clark: An explosion!

Tick: Come Arthur, evil is afoot.

(Clark runs to the bathroom)

Clark: I have only seconds to shed my everyday disguise. This looks like a job forÖ.

(Clark finds the door to be locked)

Person from inside the bathroom: Thereís somebody in here.

Clark: OccupiedÖ

(We now see The City bank with a large crater taken out in the front of it. The Caped Chameleon pops up into view)

CC: This looks like a job forÖ The Caped Chameleon!

(CC jumps from rooftop object to object adapting to the color of each item as he does.)

(Tick and Arthur run up to the bank)

(We now see the Idea Men talking in muffled sentences to each other because of their masks)

Arthur: Theyíve got guns!

Tick: This is definitely illegal. Arthur, do you fly?

Arthur: My wings are in my briefcase. Back at the diner. Iíll go get them.

Tick: No time!

(The Tick grabs Arthur and they jump to the top of the building and through the skylight in the ceiling

They land in a cloud of dust and the Idea Men all turn and point their guns at them.)

Arthur: I think Iíll just lie down here for a second.

(Arthur faints.)

Tick: Criminals! You face the sworn protector of this fair city. You faceÖ The Tick!

(The Idea Men all mumble assorted garbled phrases)

Tick: Speak up! I canít understand a word youíre saying through those stupid masks!

(The Crusading/Caped Chameleon crawls in through the hole that Tick and Arthur made as they jumped through the building.)

(Louder muffled speech from the Idea Men)


(Chameleon walks onto a plaid curtain and changes many different colors. Spots, lined, etc.)

CC: CanítÖ.doÖ. plaid!

(Chameleon falls to the ground)

(The Tick picks up a flaming desk and throws it at them)

Tick: Eat desk!

(It hits them and they are thrown out the building)

(Arthur awakens)

Arthur: Are we dead yet?

Tick: Far from it, Arthur! We have them on the run!

(The Tick runs towards the Idea Men as ropes fall into view and each of them grab on to them)

Tick: Onward!

(They are then pulled up into a blimp with a large blinking light bulb on the side)

Tick: Hey cool! Theyíve got a blimp!

(Screen shows blimp flying)

Sally: That was the scene today at the Rive Droite Bank as the mysterious gang known as the "Idea Men" struck again continuing their terrible crime wave. It was the sixth time in as many days that the baffling criminals have descended from the sky to literally lift The Cityís most valuable assets. But today their nefarious plot was foiled by a heroic blue stranger.

Tick (on TV): Hey cool! Theyíve got a blimp!

Sally: Our modest blue benefactor exited the scene without comment. The Idea Menís menace is far from over. Says Mayor Blank:

Mayor Blank: ...In fact we believe these criminals have just practicing for a more larger caper.

Sally: Weíll have more on the story as it develops. In the meanwhile, On a lighter noteÖ clowns

(screen showsÖ.clowns)

(cut to Arthur opening apartment door)

Arthur: Heh. Heh. I always have trouble with these keysÖ

(He opens door)

Arthur: Well, hereís my place. What do you think?

Tick: Itís great! It looks just like an apartment. Whereís your secret headquarters trigger? Is this it?

(Tick rips off coat hook from wall)

Arthur: No! Wait!

Tick: You know a trigger. Like a candlestick or a statue that you twist and all your secret crime busting equipment pops out. This is it right?

(Tick goes after lamp, Arthur goes out to save it)

Arthur: No!

Tick: What does your sofa turn into? Your sonar/radar perimeter defense unit?

(Tick flips over sofa)

Arthur: No! It turns into a bed! Please, this is just an apartment.

Tick: It is?

Arthur: Yes! Yes!

Tick: Oh, well this place is going to take a lot of work if itís going to be our superhero headquarters.

Arthur: No!

Tick: No?

(Arthur sits down on over turned couch)

Arthur: I donít know. I just donít know if Iím ready for this. To much excitement. To much adventure. I think Iím going crazy.

(Tick sits on couch)

Tick: Youíre not going crazy Arthur. Youíre going sane in a crazy world. Some people are destined for greater things! Arthur, you are one of those people. You canít hide from it. Youíve got to hug it. Hug your destiny Arthur! Hug itÖ

(Arthur gets off couch, still holding lamp)

Arthur: (kinda scared) Uh huh. I think Iíll sleep on it, okay?

Tick: Thatís fine my small friend. You rest up and I will monitor the culture.

(Tick turns on TV)

TV Announcer: Taste me! Thatís Drama Flakes tasty challenge! Attractive, successful people love Drama Flakes. Guaranteed to make your like more eventful and dramatic with every golden spoonful. Just listens to them get an earful.

(Shot of Tick watching TV. Gunshot, screaming sound effects as announcer talks)

(Flips Channel)

Sally (on TV): Good evening. This is Sally Vacuum with a special report. Iím here at the Cityís hydroelectric plant. Apparently the notorious Idea Men have taken the City dam hostage. Although we canít understand a word theyíre saying.

(Idea Man is talking in muffled speech)

Man offscreen: What? Iím sorry, we didnít get that.

(Idea Man is pushed into dam by another Idea Man holding a sign that says "Give Money/or/Bomb Dam/Flood City)

Tick: Good heavens! Theyíre going to flood the city!

(Tick runs into Arthurís room, still holding lamp, wakes him up)

Tick: Arthur! Get up! The City calls upon her steadfast protectors!

Arthur: Wh-What?

(In a setting of a different bedroom)

Bi-Polar Bear: This looks like a job forÖ Bi-Polar Bear. (sobbing) But I just canít seem to get out of bed this month.

(Elsewhere in The City, a superhero is standing on a roof0

CL: This looks like a job forÖ (jumps off roof) Captain Lemmmmiiiiinnggggg!

(loud crashing noise)

CL: Come on spine, work with me!

(By a phone boothÖ)

Clark: Excuse me miss, I- Iíve got to change my outfit!

(woman in phone booth shuts booth door on him)

(At a nice suburban home with a giant cannon in the back yard)

Human Bullet: This looks like a job for the Human Bullet! (he gets in the cannon) Fire me boy!

(young boy launches HB across the town)

(Meanwhile on Arthurís apartment roof)

Tick: Get those wings on Arthur!

Arthur: This isnít such a good ide-

Tick: The wings. Put them on.

Arthur: Iím not so good at this.

Tick: Youíll get better.

Arthur: Iíve never flown before.

Tick: (pauses) Not a problemÖ

(Arthur is now standing on the edge of the roof with his wings extended)

Arthur: No! No. No. No.No. Changed my mind. Wanna come down.

Tick: Itís youíre destiny Arthur! Hug it!

(Tick pushes Arthurís back, he begins to fall as he yells)

(He then begins to fly upward.)

Arthur: Iím very frightened.

Tick: No, Arthur! Youíre very flying! You see, no more doubting yourself! Now, on to the dam! We have work to do!

(The Tick runs from rooftop to rooftop as Arthur flies overhead until Tick has no more roofs to jump to, he stops abruptly and grunts)

Tick: Weíre all out of roofs.

(Arthur lands next to Tick on the roof)

Arthur: What happens now?

(Suddenly a grappling hook/line type thingie connects to the chimney on the roof and a bat-like figure swoops down from it)

Tick and Arthur: Wow!

Bat-figure: All out of roofs, eh?

Tick: Uh, yeah.

Arthur: Guess so.

(A woman in a red, white and blue maidís outfit joins the heroes)

Woman: Die Fladermaus, I should have known youíd be out tonight.

DF: Well, if it isnít American Maid. They worlds most patriotic domestic. This looks like a job for, Die Fladermaus, not some mop-squeezer. Why donít you go scrub out a toilet somewhere?

AM: Why donít you go smell up some cave?

Tick: People! People! Thereís a dam about to blow up! We should team up and use all our resources to battle this evil!

AM+DF: Team up?

DF: Iím not going to team up with her!

AM: Thereís that fear of commitment again!

(The two continue to bicker with each other)

DF: Oooh! Listen to Miss. Intimacy here!

AM: Jerk!


AM: Rabid goon.

DF: Clean freak.

AM: Nerd!

Tick: Some people just shouldnít be in this business. To the dam!

Arthur: But how?

Tick: Weíll figure it out!

(Tick and Arthur jump to the ground)

(camera zooms out showing a gun-totting vigilante, watching the heroes)

Man: Amateurs, none of them really know how to handle evil! This looks like a job forÖ Big Shot! (maniacal laughter)

(he shoots a chimney into the shape of a skull)

Sally Vacuum: The mayor is now arriving and it looks like heís brought the ransom money. Mayor Blank, are you really going to give in the Idea Menís criminal demands?

Mayor: Well, Sally. Let me put it this way. How well can you swim? (laughs) But seriously. We have no choice. They have our dam and no force on earth can stop them now!

(The Tick and Arthur are getting out of a taxi in front of the dam. The Tick rushes out ahead of Arthur. As he runs he takes out a road barrier.)

Arthur: Letís see 15% ofÖ

Tick: Arthur! Onward!

(Arthur throws all the money to the driver)

Arthur: Just keep the change.

(Arthur runs along and stops for a second to catch his breath)

Tick (off camera): Arthur!

(On the dam)

Sally Vacuum: Seconds from now the mayor will hand over a briefcase containing ten million municipal dollars the biggest ransom ever paid in The Cityís history.

(The sky shows Human Bullet still flying through the air.

(Big Shot runs up to a sign saying "No Trespassing: City Property" and shoots the shape of a skull into it)

(On the inside of the dam, the Idea Men are all by the turbines. One is talking on a phone. )

Arthur: Look!

(All of a sudden the one with the phone begins mumbling loudly and the others cheer as he hugs another.)

Arthur: They mustíve gotten their money!

(One of them activates the bomb)

Arthur: Hey! They got their money and theyíre still gonna blow up the dam!

Tick: Hey! No fair!

(The Tick walks behind 4 Idea Men all standing in a row and he flicks the furthest one with his finger. All their heads bonk into each other, knocking them all unconscience)

(He picks up one of them and the front of his helmet opens)

Tick: OK Idea Man! Whatís the big idea?

Idea Man: Well, we thought weíd steal a lot of money, and then weíd be rich, and we wouldnít have to work anymore!

Tick: You cads! Now, turn off your bomb!

Idea Man: We canít! Once itís activated it canít be shut off!

(The Tick rips the bomb off the wall and reaches his fist in)

Arthur: What are you doing?!

Tick: ShhhÖ Iím defusing it.

(The Idea Men begin to run out the door when an explosion throws them backwards. Big Shot comes running in guns-a-blazing)

Tick: Guns and superheroes donít mix.

(Big Shot suddenly runs out of ammo and begins to cry)

Tick: Seek professional help. My goodness! Iím a walking time bomb! Get out of my way!

(Tick runs outside)

Big Shot: Why didnít you love meÖ mom?

(he hugs Arthur, still crying)

(Tick is outside as Idea Men are being loaded onto their blimp. Seeing Tick they jump into the water, off the dam)

(The bomb explodes, destroying the Idea Menís blimp. The ones on the blimp parachute down with large glowing lightbulbs on them, visible through the smoke)

(Arthur flies down)

Arthur: I-I guess we saved the City.

Tick: For the moment, yes, my friend. But, with luck, our future holds still more dire threats. More perilous plots, Wherever villainy rears itís great big head, wherever evil sets itís ill smelling foot, you will findÖ The TickÖ

Arthur: ohÖ and Arthur! His, uh, sidekick!

Tick: Good show! And yes, my sidekick Arthur. Certainly a force to be reckoned with! May evil beware. And may good dress warmly and eat plenty of vegetables.

(The Human Bullet hits the Dam)

Human Bullet: Iím okayÖ

The End

Back to Episode Guide