Worst Top Ten Cards of All Time
by Kurt Kuersteiner © Monsterwax Monster Trading Cards for The Wrapper Magazine
This is a completely subjective list of my least favorite sets, so if one of your favorites happens to be listed, please take no offense. (It's only an opinion) And sorry, these sets suck so bad that I can't justify wasting memory to provide many pictures. Besides, I'm PROUD to say I don't actually own a single one of these cards! (I couldn't scan 'em if I wanted to. Except Pokemon which is EVERYWHERE.)
1. Pokemon: I can think of nothing nice to say about this set. The fact that it "took off" just makes it all the more painful.
2. Stupid Smiles Stickers (Topps 1989) At least the title is appropriate. Smiley face stickers and puzzles of famous paintings with the faces replaced with Mr. Happy Face. (Example: Mona Lisa with yellow happy face over here own.) What a concept. It deserves an A for Asinine.
3. Happy Stickers (Fleer, 70s?) Misery Loves company, so Fleer had to get in the act. This set included "real cloth stickers", plus paper stickers, plus regular cards! (It could even count as 3 terrible sets!) Each subset featured the same smiley faces with stupid sayings in word balloons (typical example: "Smile!") Oh the pain... the PAIN!
4. Menudo (Topps, 1983) 66 cards and 22 stickers of the Hispanic "hot" group of posers/hot teen heart throbs. These guys were hired for their looks, and once they hit puberty, were kicked out of the band and replaced with someone younger. They might still be kicking around out there somewhere. The backs were in English AND Spanish. Twice the wasted space on each card. What a deal. But the remarks are so stupid they are sometimes worth reading (but rarely). Example: "The members of the group Menudo love to fly. Even with their complicated and busy artistic career, it is flying to their engagements that they enjoy the most." (Did somebody actually say "Artistic"? Whoever wrote this copy obviously never heard the band!)
5. Osmonds (Donruss 1973) 66 cards of the most wholesome (bland) band of all time. Did I hear these guys were Mormons? Not that I have a problem with Mormons, but a Mormon rock band? (Whatever!) This set features Donny Osmond Portrait Puzzles complete with the facsimile autograph, "yours forever, Donny" (I feel sick.)
6. Pac-Man (Fleer, 80s): 54 different stickers plus 28 different rub-off game cards. These characters were almost as artistic as Pokemon. Uggghhh. As if THAT were not bad enough, Fleer also issued "Ms Pac-Man" and"Super Pac-Man" too. (Three's the harm!)
7. Glitter Glove (Fleer) A take off on Michael Jackson's famous glove? Give me a break! Glittering stickers with gloves or colorful stars or designs on them and sayings like "Rock Me". Pleeease! Of course, Michael himself is nowhere to be seen in this set. (That would have made too much sense.) How many trees died for this set?
8. Body Shop (Fleer) More groovy iron-ons I'm afraid. 'Nuff said.
9. Sticky Feet (Fleer) Question: Why not issue a set of cards AND stickers featuring nothing but foot prints with names on them or silly word balloons like "Pick on someone your own size." Answer: Because it's STUPID, that's why! Unfortunately, that wasn't reason enough to stop Fleer from issuing this 70s set. It should have been called STINKY feet!
10. Mars Attacks (Just kidding, but it did get your attention didn't it?) Let's go back a ways and dig up something BEFORE 1960. (Why give the elders a free ride?) How about the 1936 issue by Goudey gum of "License Plates". Yes, this set is exactly what it sounds like. 1 1/2" x 3 1/4" cards of car license plates. Oh joy. Four different sets were issued (1936-1939) and each front featured bland license plates. At least the backs featured some info on the state, like state size, state flower, the capital and Governor, etc. (Give me the plain old flash cards any old day.) It's hard to imagine kids buying this set for anything other than the gum. BORING!
