Bert and Ernie in Egypt

skit with Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz)

(The scene is the inside of a pyramid. A statue’s foot comes into view as Bert and Ernie enter.)

Bert: Wow, isn’t this terrific, Ernie? A real Egyptian pyramid!

Ernie: Uh, I don’t know, Bert. I’m afraid.

Bert: Afraid of what? I mean, this is wonderful! Look at all the exciting new discoveries!

Ernie: Yeah …

Bert: Look at all the knowledge here! This pyramid must be centuries or thousands even of years old!
This is great! Look at the hieroglyphics, all this funny writing!

Ernie: Pretty spooky to me, Bert!

Bert: Oh boy! How exciting! And look at this! Look at this funny statue!

(He beckons toward a statue in a case that looks like Ernie but is wearing glasses and has a black goatee.)

Ernie: That’s a pretty neat statue!

Bert: This one’s a handsome statue!

(Beckons toward a statue of himself wearing glasses and a mustache.)

This is nice.

Ernie: I think I prefer this one!

(Beckons toward his lookalike statue)

Bert: We have all kind of different tastes. Boy, oh boy. Isn’t this exciting?

Ernie: I don’t know, Bert. I’m still --- Let’s go home!

Bert: Why?

Ernie: ‘Cause I’m kind of afraid, Bert.

Bert: Oh, Ernie, this is a wonderful opportunity. I mean we spend all this time getting here!
C’mon, c’mon, follow me! Okay. Let’s look around some more!

Ernie: Yeah, Bert.

Bert: Oh, Ernie, look! Look at this! It’s a spooky dark tunnel here! You wanna join me?

Ernie: I think I’ll wait here, Bert.

Bert: Okay, I’ll take a look! (Goes into tunnel) Wow!

Ernie: Oh dear. Maybe Bert’s right. Maybe there isn’t anything to be afraid of! It’s all in my imagination!

(Walks over to statues)

I’ll just go over here, and look at these statues over here. Hmm. Look at that.

(He looks at the Bert statue’s mustache.)

(Ernie Statue taps Ernie with his cane)

Ernie: (turns around slowly) Bert? Bert? Did you tap me? Bert’s not here! Who tapped me?

(Ernie Statue reaches out his cane to tap Ernie a second time and scares Ernie)

AHHHHH! BERT!!!!!! BERT!!!!!!!

Bert: (comes out of the tunnel) What, Ernie? What is it? What?

Ernie: Bert … Bert, this statue tapped me!

Bert: This statue tapped you?

Ernie: It did, Bert!

Bert: This statue here made of stone thousands of years old tapped you?

Ernie: That’s right, Bert!

Bert: Ernie, don’t you think you were using your imagination? It didn’t really tap you, you were just imagining it?
Now c’mon, leave me alone, I’m gonna go explore this tunnel! (Goes back into tunnel) Oh boy, oh boy!

Ernie: Maybe it was my imagination! You didn’t tap me, did you Statue?

Ernie Statue: Sure I did! (Trademark Ernie laugh)

Ernie: BERT!!!!

Bert: What is it, Ernie?

Ernie: This statue just talked to me, Bert!

Bert: What?

Ernie: This statue talked to me, Bert!

Bert: This statue that tapped you before, and now it talked to you?

Ernie: Talked to me!

Bert: Oh, it talked to you! Well, then let’s let it talk then! C’mon, Statue, talk! C’mon, Statue, talk!
Uh, what’s the capital of Delaware?

Ernie: Come on, Statue, say something!

(Statue says nothing)

Bert: Okay, uh, where did I park my bicycle?

(Once again, Statue says nothing)

Bert: Ernie, come here. Don’t you think maybe, maybe that it was your imagination?
Maybe you just let your imagination run away with you ‘cause you were so scared?

Ernie: Maybe, Bert.

Bert: Why don’t you sing a song? Hmm? That’ll make you feel better! You won’t be that scared, then!

Ernie: Okay, Bert! (Bert goes back into the tunnel)

(Ernie begins to sing “Rubber Ducky” and Ernie Statue soon joins in!
They dance and sing until Bert comes out of the tunnel)

Ernie: Hey, Bert!

Bert: What? What are you doing?

Ernie: Me and the statue are dancing, Bert! He’s a great dancer!

Bert: The statue’s dancing now?

Ernie: And singing too!

Bert: Ernie, why don’t we just go home?

Ernie: But the statue knows “Rubber Ducky”, Bert!

Bert: Sure, sure, c’mon, let’s go home.

Ernie: But, honest, we were dancing!

Bert: Sure, let’s go home!

Ernie: (begins to leave) But … Bye-bye, Statue!

Bert: Yeah, uh, bye-bye, Statue! (His trademark sheep “ahhhhh” thing)

Ernie Statue: Bye-bye! (trademark Ernie laugh)

Bert: ERNIE!!!!!!!! (leaves)

Transcribed by Ashley


available on the video

The Best of Ernie and Bert

The Best of Ernie and Bert (1988)