Ernie And Bert Share A Cookie

skit starring Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz)
Bert is examining a cookie in his hand

Bert: "Mmmmmmm, mmmm."

Ernie: (barging in) "A cookie?! Oh boy a cookie! I love cookies and oh boy am I hungry!"

(He grabs Bert's hand and starts bringing the cookie to his mouth. Bert angrily stops him.)

Bert: "Ernie, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-HOLD IT!"

Ernie: (tries again) "But it's a cookie and I'm hungry and--"

Bert: (jerks away) "Ernie, this is MY cookie. I've been saving it all day just for ME."

Ernie: "Oh but, Bert, you wouldn't share the cookie with your best friend?"

Bert: "Ernie, I've been saving it; this cookie is for ME."

Ernie: "Oh but Bert, if this were my cookie, I would share it with you."

Bert: (skeptical) "No you wouldn't."

(Bert starts to eat the cookie, Ernie stops him)

Ernie: "Oh but Bert, if this were my cookie, Bert if this were my cookie, I'd be glad to share it with you." (abruptly he snatches it away from Bert)

Bert: "Ernie!"

Ernie: "Just a minute, Bert, just a minute."

Bert: "Ernie, that's my cookie!"

Ernie: "Oh but Bert, if this were my cookie, I'd gladly share it with you. Just ask me."

Bert: "Ernie, that's--"

Ernie: "No, just ask me."

Bert: "This is silly. (forced) Ernie, would you share that cookie with me? Augh!"

Ernie: "Why I'd be glad to! (He breaks it in half, gives one piece to Bert and gobbles down the other half. [Did he get lessons from Cookie Monster?) See, Bert? I told you I'd share the cookie with you. Isn't that better?" (leaves)

Bert: (standing bewildered with the half-cookie) "I don't understand ..."

(Ernie pops back, asking): "Say Bert, would you share that half-cookie with me--"

Bert: "AAAAUUUUUGGGGHH! Leave me alone!"

Transcribed by Mrs. Mishima