Everything was moving fast - very fast.  Julie squeezed her eyes shut.   In the past few weeks, she had learned that that was the only way she could keep the outside world away and organize her thoughts.

The last thing she remembered clearly was Martin telling her not to let go of him, and then stepping out of the shuttlecraft.  After that, all she could recall were flashes of images and sounds - Martin falling to the ground, pulling her with him, the coolness of the asphalt as she hit it, guns firing, battle sounds, the acrid smell of laser fire piercing the air, the feeling of being lifted off the ground, then gliding through the air until she was caught by someone else, and finally the most frightening feeling of all - motion.  She knew she had been captured, but by whom?

Her eyes still closed, she felt cold steel beneath her, and the rush of air going past her.  She knew she was in an open vehicle.  She curled her body into as small a space as possible, her head tucked close to her knees.  She clutched the futile hope that her captors might forget about her.

She felt a hand gently touch her head and a voice say her name.  Cautiously, she lifted her head, summoning an unknown strength to face her captor.

"Julie, it's OK," Donovan told her. "You're safe now."

Julie inhaled sharply and scuttled away from him, crashing into Elias, who sat at the opposite end of the flatbed pickup truck they were riding in.

"Elias!" she exclaimed and hugged him as if her life depended on it.  Donovan stared in bewilderment as Julie trembled in Elias' arms.

Elias pushed Julie's blonde hair out of her eyes and said, "It's all right, Julie.  You're with friends now."  She sniffed and nodded in understanding.  With obvious trepidation, she looked over her shoulder at Donovan.  Their eyes locked for what felt to Julie like an eternity.

She stared at him, paralyzed by fear and confusion.  Her mind raced.  She searched his face, as if desperate to recognize him, and at the same time, terrified at the recognition.  She tried to interpret the emotions in his face.  She saw confusion, helplessness, and, she was surprised to note, some sadness.  For a moment, she understood that this face was different from the one that had haunted her nightmares.

Then she closed her eyes.

He was back.  Physically, the terrible image in her mind was same man, but there was a sinister darkness in his eyes.  The image from her nightmares began to play out again.

He sneered at her, his eyes dancing with devilish anticipation.  His hand reached out and grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her to him.  She tried to struggle, but his grip was firm.  His lips brushed against her ear as he
whispered, "Julie, you know I'd never hurt you."  Again, she tried to break free, but this time he threw her to the ground like a rag-doll.  Before she could react, he was on top of her.  She felt his hot breath against her neck as he pressed himself against her.  She tried to scream, but no sound came.

Julie's eyes snapped open.  She couldn't relive the nightmare again.  She wouldn't.

She shook her head violently; trying to dispel the image, purge it from her mind.  This time the other nightmare came.

She was back in the conversion chamber, physically and mentally exhausted.  Her strength and resolve were gone.  She had to make it stop.  She would do anything to make it stop, even give up, if that was what it took.  Her defenses completely drained, she decided that she had to give up if she wanted to survive.

Suddenly, Julie felt Diana's attention shift to something outside the chamber.  Free from Diana's scrutiny for a moment, Julie felt some of her strength returning.  Julie's own awareness was drawn outside the chamber for the first time.  She looked past the glass walls to the open door to the control room.  There was a figure there.  It was Donovan, blasting a laser rifle at one of Diana's aides.  Another blast tore through the chamber's wall.  He was there to rescue her!  She reached out to him as he broke through the wall, but suddenly, in slow motion, he fell backward, out of her reach, mortally wounded.

"Mike!" she cried, but he couldn't hear her.  He was dead.

Now Julie's eyes opened and she looked at the man sitting across from her.  She studied his expression again.  His face was different from the ones in either of her nightmares.  She wanted to say something, but couldn't find any words.  She fell back against Elias again in tears.  She couldn't tell if they were tears of fear or relief.

Elias and Donovan looked at each other, but neither said anything as they rode back to the base.
 
 

When the first two pick-up trucks pulled up, Maggie jumped out of the first one and called out to Harmony.  The two women ran behind the second truck and helped Julie out, carefully walking her into the med station.  Donovan shrugged at Maggie.

"Stay here," Maggie cautioned.  "We'll call for you if we need you."

Donovan stood by helplessly as the others bustled past him.  The other members of the group congratulated each other on the success of the mission, seeming to forget the worry that had pervaded their thoughts ever since their
leader had been captured.  He watched as Maggie and Harmony led Julie away from the truck.  Slowly, she turned her head and looked over her shoulder at him.  Her eyes were pleading, but for what, he didn't know.

Donovan didn't notice when Elias placed a hand on his arm.  "She's gonna be OK," Elias reassured.

The two men leaned on the wooded railing of the porch.  "I know", Donovan said with a sigh.  He looked over his shoulder at the door to the med station.

"She ain't exactly the same girl you fell in love with, huh?" Elias asked quietly.  Donovan shot him a defensive glare.  "Hey, man," Elias said gently, "I know how you feel about her.  You got your heart on your sleeve.  But listen, after whatever they did to her up there, she's gonna need you now more than ever."

Donovan looked up at the night sky, catching sight of the mother ship.  "She can't even look at me," he said, anger creeping into his voice.

"You heard what Tyler said," Elias responded.  "When they try to convert you, they shake your trust in the people you're closest to.  You're the only one of us Diana's got a positive ID on.  If Diana wanted to shake Julie's trust in the resistance, she had to start with you."

"So what do I do?" Donovan asked softly.

"You gotta get her to remember that she does trust you, and you gotta do it tonight."

"I can't," Donovan answered, shaking his head slightly.  "After everything she's been through? It's too much.  I can't make her suffer like that."

"Don't you see she's suffering already?" Elias asked.  "I saw what happened on the way back tonight.  Sure, part of her is scared.  Who wouldn't be?  But there's also a part of her that still wants to trust you, and that's the part of her that needs you to be strong for her."

Again, Donovan looked over his shoulder into the med station, wondering if either of them would have the strength to face the other.
 

"Julie," Harmony began, "How do you feel?"

Julie narrowed her vision to focus on Harmony's placid face.  How do I feel? she wondered.  She had spent the last few weeks trying desperately not to feel, and now she didn't quite understand the question.

"Julie?" Harmony asked again.  "Are you OK?"

This time Julie nodded slowly.  "Yeah, I'm OK."

Harmony gently placed a hand under Julie's shoulders and guided her into a sitting position.  "Your blood pressure and pulse are a little high," she reported, "But I guess that's understandable.  You've had quite a night, huh?"

Suddenly, Julie was aware that her heart was racing.  She felt a vague, haunting memory of one of her conversion episodes.  Her heart had raced then, too, but it went out of control, and she thought it would explode in her chest.

"Harmony, do we have an EKG?" Julie asked.

"Sure, Julie."

"Do you know how to use it?"

"Sort of," Harmony answered.  "Why?"

"Tomorrow morning, I'll need you to do an EKG on me," Julie explained.  "I'll show you how.  I think that at some point, I went into cardiac arrest up there."

Harmony, Robin, and Maggie exchanged worried glances and closed in on Julie.  Maggie barely hesitated before asking, "Julie, what the hell did they do to you up there?"

Julie dropped her head, a mass of blonde curls obscuring her face.  Maggie gently placed a hand on Julie's head.  "I'm sorry," she said softly.  "That was a stupid thing to ask."

"I'm just not ready to talk about it," Julie said evenly.

Maggie gave Harmony a look that conveyed her desire to talk to Julie privately.  Harmony quickly took the hint and took Robin's arm, leading her toward the main room of the med station.  Maggie carefully sat on the examining table next to Julie.  For a long moment, the two women sat there silently.  Finally, Maggie took a deep breath and spoke.

"Julie, look, I know you don't want to talk about what happened up there, but for medical reasons, I need to ask you a question.  Did they -- did they hurt you?"  Julie looked up and met Maggie's gaze.  Their eyes locked.  "Did they rape you?"

In Maggie's eyes, Julie saw compassion, empathy and pain.  She sensed that Maggie didn't really want to know the answer, but was the only one brave enough to ask the question.  Julie searched for the best answer to the question.

"Physically?" Julie asked.  "No.  But they might as well have."  Her voice was hollow, disconnected.  After a moment, she sat up straight.  Her expression was grave.  "But I lived through it.  I made it back alive."

Maggie smiled faintly, but reassuringly.  "I knew you would," she said warmly.  "We all did."
 
 

Robin and Harmony stepped out onto the porch of the med station where Donovan and Elias were sitting.  Donovan jumped up.  "How is she? he asked.

Harmony shrugged.  "She'll be OK, I guess," she said optimistically.  "Maggie's talking to her now."

"Has she said anything?" Donovan asked.

"Not much," Harmony answered.  She lowered her voice.  "She just told us she thought she went into cardiac arrest while she was up there."

"A heart attack?" Elias asked, incredulous.  "But she's so young."

Donovan put his hands into the pockets of his jacket and stared at the wood plank floor.  "Martin told me," he explained quietly.  "He said that after Julie's heart gave out, Diana had her taken to their sickbay.  They kept her unconscious for two days, while they pumped her full of drugs and repaired the damage to her heart."

The group fell silent for a moment.  Finally, Elias spoke up.  "Man, why didn't you tell us?"

"You were already worried about her," Donovan answered.  "I didn't want to make it worse.  Besides, Martin said that their doctors were actually able to help Julie build her strength."

"So Diana cured her?" Robin asked softly.  "Why?  It almost seems... compassionate."

"Why did Diana want Julie to be in perfect health?" Elias echoed cynically.  "You can't convert someone if they're dead."

A figure approached from the shadows.  The lights from within the med station cast an eerie glow on Ham Tyler's dour expression.

"So how's your fearless leader?" Tyler asked sardonically.

"She's fine," Donovan hastily answered.

"Don't bet on it, Tyler said.  "They program you to act fine, so no one's suspicious."

"Lucky for you, you're always suspicious," Donovan said cynically.

"Damn straight," Tyler retorted.  "I wouldn't turn my back on her if I were you."

"Ain't none of us gonna turn our backs on Julie right now," Elias challenged.  "She needs our support."

Tyler turned away in disgust.  "She's just sucking you all in with this sympathy crap.  You let your guard down for one second and bang! we're all lizard lunchmeat."

"Oh, get off it, Tyler," Donovan said, exhausted.

Tyler stood toe-to-toe with Donovan.  "You know, Gooder, I didn't think it was possible, but you're even more of a bleeding heart than I thought you were.  You used to at least know enough to watch your own back."

Donovan cocked his head to the side.  "Well, Tyler, in this outfit, we watch each other's backs.  We're a unit."  Donovan was briefly aware of the irony that he was echoing the words Julie had used to admonish him only a few
weeks before her capture.  His own sense of unity with the group hadn't settled in until the responsibility of leading the group had fallen to him.

Tyler shook his head.  "I don't get you people," he said.  "We've got an organized front against the Visitors building armies all over the world, and you people are living here like a bunch of hippies on a commune!"

"We're organized," Donovan said, barely concealing the anger in his voice.  "And we've been successful.  Except for Julie's capture, we haven't lost a single man in our last two raids, and they were both big operations."

"Which reminds me," Tyler added, "Did Ruby check in yet?"

Donovan cast a worried glance to the others in the group.  They were all aware of the great risk Ruby Engels had taken for them that night.  She was working undercover as a cleaning woman at the Visitor legation, acquiring as
much information as she could.  Her assignment in the raid was to blow up the circuit breaker and power relays in the legation, plunging the compound into darkness.  The carefully timed blackout disoriented the Visitors enough to
give the resistance the advantage in the raid.

Before the raid, Donovan spoke with Ruby, reminding her that if she felt the mission was too risky, she could back out at any time.  Ruby, in her quiet bravery, told Donovan, "If you can get Julie back without me, tell me how, and I'll stay home and knit."*  Now, Donovan wondered what kind of risk they might have to take to get Ruby back.

"No, Ruby hasn't checked in, far as I know," Donovan answered.  "But we knew they would probably lock down the legation after the raid.  I'm sure she'll check in in the morning."

"She took a big risk tonight, you know," Tyler said.

"I know the risk Ruby took," Donovan responded defensively.  "And so does Ruby.  She chose to take part in this mission."

The two men stared at each other for a few more seconds.  Tyler finally turned and walked away.  "I hope it was worth the risk," he muttered as he went.

Maggie stepped out onto the porch as Tyler walked away.  She approached the suddenly sombre group.  "Harmony," she asked, "I'd like to give Julie a sedative.  What have we got?"

"I'll have to check," Harmony answered.

"Wait," Donovan said.  "Can I see her first?"

Harmony and Maggie exchanged a worried glance.  "I don't know, Mike," Maggie said.  "She's still pretty shaken up."  Donovan's eyes pleaded.  Maggie nodded.  "OK, but just for a few minutes.  She needs to sleep."
 
 

Julie sat cross-legged on the cot in the "recovery room", a tiny, poorly lit closet-like room that was just large enough to fit a cot, a folding chair, and a small table.  She heard a soft knock at the door.  Donovan peeked into the room, and saw her sitting there, leaning back against the wall.  She was dressed in grey sweatpants and a black tank top, which had been her standard uniform during their late night planning sessions for the medical centre raid.  Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail.  She looked at him blankly.

"Can I come in?" Donovan asked.

Julie swallowed hard.  She could still hear the voices of people in other parts of the med station, so she figured it was safe.  "Sure," she answered with a forced smile.

Cautiously, he entered the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.  Julie eyed him apprehensively as he sat on the folding chair at the foot of the cot.  Donovan sighed heavily, uncertain how to start the conversation.  "How are you feeling?" he finally asked.

Julie shifted uncomfortably.  "All right, I guess," she answered.  "A little disoriented, maybe.  It feels strange to be wearing my own clothes again."

Donovan laughed wryly.  "You'll get used to it."

"Maggie tells me that you were the one who planned the rescue mission," Julie said tentatively.

Donovan gazed at the floor.  "I'm sorry it took us so long to get you out of there," he said quietly.

Julie shifted again, moving closer to him.  In that moment, she set aside her fear and really focused on the man sitting there.  He wasn't a violent attacker.  He wasn't the ghost of a dead hero.  But he was the man who had pulled all-nighters with her, planning the raid on the medical centre.  He was a valued member of their group, a person she had grown to respect and rely on.  He was also, according to her brief conversation with Maggie, the person who had held the group together following Julie's capture.  He risked his life, all of their lives, to save her Diana's torture, and now he was sorry that he hadn't done it soon enough.

"Don't be sorry," Julie said, finally gazing into his eyes.  "You saved my life."

"I had no choice," he answered simply.  He felt her trying to interpret his cryptic comment, and added sheepishly, "I hate being in charge."

Julie laughed softly.  The sensation felt new to her somehow.  She tried to remember the last time she had laughed.  It made her feel suddenly self-conscious.  She caught herself, aware that his eyes were still on her.  An awkward moment passed until she met his gaze again.  Something in the way he looked at her set her at ease, and set off butterflies in her stomach at the same time.  "I'm sorry for how I reacted when I saw you tonight," she
said softly.

Donovan shrugged.  "I'm used to it," he said.  "Women react to me like that all the time."

This time Julie didn't laugh.  "You know what I mean."

"I know," he said solemnly.  "I learned a little about the conversion process while you were up there."  Julie tensed.  Her eyes darted around the room and finally rested on her folded hands.  Sensing her fear, he hesitated before asking, "Is it true that they put false images in your head, to make you mistrust people?"  Her lower lip quivered, but she didn't answer.  "Is that why you can't trust me?"

She raised her head abruptly, unsure of how to respond.  "Oh, Mike, it's not that simple," she said quickly.

Impulsively, he took her hand in his.  She tensed again just for a moment before relaxing.  "I know there's nothing simple about what Diana did to you," he said sincerely.  "But we're gonna help you get through this, I promise.  No matter what Diana did to you, or what she forced you to believe, you can trust me.  You can always trust me."

Julie closed her eyes, wanting desperately to believe his words.  She felt a tear escape her closed eye and roll down her cheek, then his gentle hand wiped it away.  His touch mildly surprised her at first, but since she had had no human contact in weeks, she welcomed it.  A moment passed, and she felt his lips on hers, soft and warm.  His kiss was tender, yet ardent.  His arms enveloped her and guided her to a reclining position on the cot.  He gently kissed her neck, his warm breath making her skin tingle.  Gruffly, he whispered, "See, Julie, you can trust me.  You know I'd never hurt you."

When Julie's eyes popped open, she saw that his had turned dark and sinister again.  This time, she closed her eyes and screamed as loudly as she could.

When her eyes opened again, she was alone, soaked in sweat, her heart racing.  She heard hurried footsteps approach.  Donovan burst into the tiny room.

"What happened?  Are you OK?" he asked, anxiously looking around the room.  She backed herself into the corner of the cot, as far from the door as she could get.

"Don't come near me!" she panted.  "Don't touch me!"

Overwhelmed by a need to protect her, Donovan ignored Julie's warning and sat on the cot, gathering her into his arms.  She pushed him away with her fists.  "Stop it!  Don't touch me!" she pleaded.

Gently, but firmly, he refused to be pushed away.  "Doc, it's OK," he reassured her.  "I won't let anyone hurt you."

"How can you say that?" she demanded, finally freeing herself from his grasp.  Her fear started to turn to anger.  "You won't let anyone hurt me?  But you just..."  She trailed off, remembering that it had been a dream.

Donovan grasped her shoulders and turned her to face him.  "That wasn't me," he said sincerely.  "Diana hurt you.  She made you believe I was a threat to you."

Tears streamed down Julie's cheeks.  "I don't know what's real and what's not anymore," she said apologetically.  "I don't know who to trust anymore, or even if I can trust myself."

"You need time, Doc," Donovan answered.  His words repeated in her mind.  Whenever he was trying to keep his distance from her, he called her "Doc".

At first, it had bothered her.  It seemed sarcastic.  But in time, it was a welcome nickname, something that took the edge off of their relationship.  They almost never addressed each other by first name, she was surprised to recall.  But the figure in her nightmares always called her by name.

Donovan eyed the door.  "Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you in the morning," he said, tentatively patting her on the knee.

"Donovan, wait," she said, impulsively placing her hand on his.  She was almost amused by how much more comfortable it was for her to call him by his last name.  She was keeping him at a distance too.  The silence became
awkward as she searched for something to say.  Finally, she nervously asked, "Why do you always call me 'Doc'?"

He smiled.  Whether it was about the innocence of her question or the way the dim light softened her features, he didn't know.  "I don't know," he replied.  "Why don't you ever use my first name?"

She returned his smile genuinely.  "I don't know," she answered softly.  She squeezed his hand and looked deeply into his bright green eyes.  "I want to trust you, you know."

"I know," he nodded in reply.  Her simple words reassured him that she would be all right.  "Get some sleep.  I'll be right outside if you need me."

"Thanks, Donovan," she said, pulling the thin blanket around her.

"G'nite, Doc," he answered with a smile.
 

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