An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck. As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed.

"Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound.He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"




An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile there"

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells

SUPPLIES!





Ladder to Success
(This joke cantains some explicit words. If you get offended by it don't read this)

Some people get curious of what they see and try to find out about it. After the Mount Pinatubo eruption there's a lot of differrent magnificent things happened.

One night when Kiko was walking in Mount Pinatubo he saw a ladder shining like a gold going up to the cloud. Being a curious person, he climb the ladder to find out what's on top.

When he reached the top he saw a naked nice looking woman (not so pretty but not ugly, mga kartada siyete) and told him, "Make love to me or climb up the ladder to success (pointing to another ladder)."

Kiko is a curious man and he doesn't really like the woman, so he climb the other ladder. On top of the second ladder he found another naked woman, this time she's pretty and sexy. And she said "Make love to me or climb up the ladder to success (pointing to another ladder)."

Again, Kiko was not satisfied of the woman and still curious so he climb the third ladder. On top of the third ladder he found the most beautiful and sexiest woman naked, she's just like Goddess of Love and said "Make love to me the way you want and I'll do anything to please you. Or climb the ladder to success."

Kiko liked the woman of course, who's man wouldn't? But he started thinking and said to himself, everytime he goes up the ladder the woman gets better and better. So if the one in front of him now is like goddess of love, what more is on top of the next ladder?

So he climb up the ladder again and reached the top. On top there's no woman and no more ladder except for one big tall fat ugly naked man and Kiko asked "Who are you?"

The big tall fat ugly naked man replied "My name is Cess!".......... (Got it?).........Kiko finally reached the "Ladder to Suck Cess."




TENNIS ELBOW

One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00.

The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed.

It said: You have tennis elbow: Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard: get a softener Your dog has worms: take him to the vet Your daughter's using cocaine: get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant: it's not yours get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!




Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, " Tell me Mary, who created the universe ?".

When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, seated directly behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said.. "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Saviour ?". But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again "Jesus Christ" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good ", and Mary fell back to sleep...

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.." What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? "..And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that darn thing in me one more time, l'll break it in half ! "




10 Worst Email Addresses In The World

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummin (Fresno University) cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating) beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton) btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcoc (Toys "R" Us) ihadcock@toysrus.com A=Capital letters(A,B,C), a=small letters(a,b,c), I=Large Roman(I,II,III), i=Small Roman(i,ii,iii), 1=Number(1,2,3).