Cool Jokes
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Tips To Impress Your Boss
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Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in
their hands look
like
they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a
newspaper in their
hand
look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all,
make sure you
carry
loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false
impression
that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to
the casual
observer.
You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and
generally have a
blast
without doing anything remotely related to work. These
aren't exactly
the
societal benefits that the proponents of the computer
revolution would
like
to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get
caught by your
boss -
and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to
claim you're
teaching
yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable
training dollars.
Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For
the rest of us, it
looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge
piles of documents
around your workspace. To the observer, last year's
work looks the same
as
today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high
and wide. If you
know
somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document
you'll need
halfway
down in an existing stack and rummage for it when
he/she arrives.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
People don't call you
just
because they want to give you something for nothing -
they call because
they
want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
Screen all your
calls
through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and
it
sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour
when you know
they're
not there - it looks like you're hardworking and
conscientious even
though
you're being a devious weasel.
According to George Costanza, one should also always
try to look
impatient
and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always
busy.
Always leave the office late, especially when the
boss is still
around. You
could read magazines and storybooks that you always
wanted to read but
have
no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk
past the boss'
room on
your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours
(e.g. 9:35pm,
7:05am,
etc.) and during public holidays.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving
the impression
that
you are under extreme pressure.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the
table. Put lots of
books
on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the
best).
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all
the jargon and new
products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation
with bosses.
Remember:
They don't have to understand what you say, but you
sure sound
impressive.
Most Important
Don't forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
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S/W Engineer Wife
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JUST HAVE A LOOK AT THIS CONVERSATION AND THEN DESIDE YOURSELF.
HUSBAND - HAI DEAR,I AM LOGGED IN.
WIFE - WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SOME SNACKS
HUSBAND - HARD DISK FULL.
WIFE - HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE SAREE.
HUSBAND - BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.
WIFE - BUT I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN MORNING
HUSBAND - ERRONEOUS SYNTAX, ABORT,RETRY,CANCEL.
WIFE - HAE BHAGWAN !FORGET IT WHERE'S YOUR SALARY.
HUSBAND - FILE IN USE,READ ONLY,TRY AFTER SOME TIME.
WIFE - ATLEAST GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD,
I CAN DO SOME SHOPPING.
HUSBAND - SHARING VIOLATION,ACCESS DENIED.
WIFE - I MADE A MISTAKE IN MARRYING YOU.
HUSBAND - DATA TYPE MISMATCH.
WIFE - YOU ARE USELESS.
HUSBAND - BY DEFAULT.
WIFE - WHO WAS THERE WITH YOU IN THE CAR THIS MORNING?
HUSBAND - SYSTEM UNSTABLE PRESS CTRL, ALT, DEL TO
REBOOT.
WIFE - WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN YOU & YOUR
RECEPTIONIST?
HUSBAND - THE ONLY USER WITH WRITE PERMISSION.
WIFE - WHAT IS MY VALUE IN YOUR LIFE?
HUSBAND - UNKNOWN VIRUS DETECTED.
WIFE - DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOUR COMPUTER?
HUSBAND - TOO MANY PARAMETERS.
WIFE - I WILL GO TO MY DADS HOUSE.
HUSBAND - PROGRAM PERFORMED ILLEGAL OPERATION,It WILL
CLOSE.
WIFE - I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR EVER.
HUSBAND - CLOSE ALL PROGRAMS & LOG OUT FOR ANOTHER
USER.
WIFE - It IS WORTHLESS TALKING TO YOU.
HUSBAND - SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER.
WIFE - I AM GOING
HUSBAND - ITS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.
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Infosys, TCS and Wipro
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One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one
from TCS, went together for a walk. They were old buddies from b-
school, and they were joining together to remember the tough old days
they went as students together.
For no apparent reasons, they went into this zoo an passed an
elephant.Having worked in the same field and from the same school, of
course there is a little bit of peer competition going on between
themselves, so when he saw this elephant, an idea clicked the Infosys
guy, he said to the others ' Why don't we prove who are the best
among ourselves?'. The other two, of course, agreed.
Then the Infosyan said 'Let's make a test. Whoever can make this
elephant to laugh, he works for the best firm'. After they all
agreed, they started. Being a pure logical strategist, the Infosyan
tried to make the elephant laugh by telling jokes. Of course it
stayed still... As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried
to make funny gestures... and the elephant still stayed still....
Now, comes the TCS guy.. Being the practical guy he was always told
to be, he whispered something to the elephant, and it laughed at him
while pointing its fingers to him...
The other two were astonished. How come this TCS guy be able to beat
them? So the Wipro guy said 'OK, let's make another test. Let's make
this elephant cry !!'. So there they went again, practicing the same
method as before. The Infosys guy told sad sad stories, the Wipro guy
made sad gestures, and they fail again......
Then, the TCS guy whispered something again to the elephant's ear and
it just cried, weeping.....and patting the TCS guy's shoulder.
This cannot be, thought the other two. So the Infosyan said 'OK,
you've won twice. If you can win this test, we will bow to you. Let's
make this elephant run'. He went and bark to the elephant orders to
run.Of course, it stayed still .... The Wipro guy pushes the elephant
and stab it with stake to make it run, it stayed still. So...our TCS
guy come to it and whispered something again to it's ear and the
elephant run and run as fast as it could, as if it was scared to
death.
The other two surrendered. They say 'OK, you're the best pal. You
work for a very good firm, tell us your secret'.
'Well' said the TCS guy, 'the first time I made it laugh, I said I
work for TCS'.
' When I made it cry as if it were very sad and patted me, I told the
elephant how much I get paid'.
' And when I made it run scared to death, I said to it, Why don't you
join TCS?'
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Microsoft, Intel and Sun
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Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the
urinals.The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to
wash his hands.He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully.He
uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot
of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says,'At
Microsoft,we are trained to be extremely thorough.' The second
programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash
his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.He turns
and says, 'At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough
but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.' The third
programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over
his shoulder: 'At Sun, we don't piss on our hands.'
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Real Life Messages From ORACLE
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Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'
Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'
Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'
Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'
Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved!'
Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'
Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'
Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'
Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'
Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'
Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace!'
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Hotel Bill
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from
Key West
to Boston. After almost twenty-four
hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue, and they
decide to stop
for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel
and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get
back on the road. When they check out
four hours later,
the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350.
The man explodes and demands to know
why the charge is
so high. He tells the clerk although
it's a nice hotel,
the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk
tells him $350 is the standard rate,
the man insists on
speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the
man, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic
sized pool and a
huge conference center that were
available for the
husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them." the
man complains. "Well,
they are here, and you could
have." explains the
manager.
He goes on to explain they could have
taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is
famous. "The best
entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas
perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to
any of those shows." complains the
man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could
have." the manager
replies. No matter what facility the
manager mentions,
the man replies, "But we didn't
use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually
the man gives up
and agrees to pay. He writes a check
and gives it to
the manager. The manger is surprised
when he looks at
the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made
out for $100."
"That's right," says the man.
"I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the
manger.
"Well," the man replies,
"she was here, and you could
have."
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Great Thoughts
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I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
Love the neighbour. But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many
relatives.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day than
waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So, Why learn.
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate
but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your
stupidity !!!
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