Eminem.  He really sucks.  I mean, he really, really, sucks.  Wait he doesnt really, really suck.  Getting a smurf-bite, that sucks.  And getting an Indian burn, that really, really sucks.  Eminem, he goes way beyond that.  Hes beyond the realm of the mega-suck, the giga-suck, the robo-suck, and even the super-maya-maya-suck.  In fact, he sucks so much,  I have had to make up words for it.  Eminem omnisucks.  Much like omnipotent means all-powerful, omnisucking means all sucking.  In fact, he infinisucks.  Like you know how infinity keeps going and going forever?  Yeah, thats how much Eminem sucks.  You think hes finally reached the threshold of sucking, but in fact, he keeps on sucking.  

I think my simple equation shown on this page shows my point quite eloquently.  I mean, this guy really sucks.  There is no other word for it.  Hes got no talent.  Hes trash.  Simply put, Eminem is garbage.  He has nothing constructive to give to the world.  I know all you people might like him, and if you want to have bad taste, you have that right.  But let me tell you, I think he sucks.  His lyrics are awful.  Dont tell me he writes good lyrics.  Rhyming the word me with the word me thrice in one refrain, thats ridiculous.  To further illustrate my point, I will give you a sample dialogue between me, and an Eminem fan.

Eminem Fan:  Have you heard Eminems new song? 

Me:  No, but Im sure it sucks.  Eminem sucks.

EF: No he doesnt!

Me:  Yes, Yes he does.

EF: No.  Hes so tale

Me: Nope.

EF: His lyrics, theyre so powe

Me: Nope.

EF: And hes so real!

Me:  Look, the realest this is gonna get is how real the pain will be when be when my foot is sideways in your ass!

EF: Yeah, he does suck.

            Lots of people suck, but very few, if any, as much as him.

You know, you may get the distinct feeling that I don't have a lot of love to share with the world.  In fact, you might even say that I hate everything.

I hate traffic.  I hate hangovers.  I hate flowers that get in my way while I'm trying to trample the grass.  I hate the yellow face that burns us.  I hate my precious.  I hate my dank cave.  But there is one thing I hate more than anything else:  Marshall Mathers III.

Aka, Eminem, this piece of shit is the antithesis of what parents want their children to become.  It's probably a good thing that he almost certainly doesn't know who is father is because if his dad knew him, he'd beat the living hell out of him.  I'm sorely tempted to do my part to help society by playing a father figure for an abandoned child, but I spose it might look a bit funny if my adopted child were older than I.  At this point I shall insert a picture of the offending cocksucker:

Pictured above, Marshall Mathers III at his arraignment for being gay.  Oops, I mean for beating his wife.  Doesn't he look like a wannabe thug Godfather? 

 

I feel like discussing the ever-present expansion of Slim Shady's asshole.  MMkay... where should I start?

Let us analyze the lyrics of one of his "songs," "My Name Is... "

Eminem's words shall appear in blue.  My comments shall appear in white

Blah Blah Blah... too stupid to even listen to... Slim Shady!
(repeat several times)

Hi kids! Do you like Primus? (Yeah yeah!)
Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids? (Uh-huh!)

K... he doesn't waste any time in his quest to sound like a tard.  I can imagine him finishing scratching down this line and then leaning back and thinking, "Checkmate!"  about the respected artists he had just referred to.

How many things can you spot that are wrong with these lyrics, given the circumstances?  I'll enumerate some of them for you:

1)  Primus has been, and will be, popular much longer than you ever will.  Trust me, I've seen your kind come and go.  If you are here another 3 months I'll be amazed.  Another thing, rappers such as yourself should not make negative comments about musicians such as Les Claypool, for reasons too numerous to mention.  Among the most obvious are the facts that he is a musician, whereas you are not.  Another is that he can actually "play" an "instrument."  Your ramblings are devoid of any such devices.

2)  Trent Reznor is, whether you care to admit it or not, one of the most talented musicians of this century.  You may not like his particular genre, (do you know what that word means?) but no matter how much you swear and write pseudo-songs about it, he will always be the songwriter/singer that you never will be.  If you were 1/10th the musician Reznor is, I would respect you immensely.  As this electronic document proves, you aren't.

Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
Try and and get messed up worse that my life is?
My brain's dead weight, I'm tryin to get my head straight
but I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate

It almost sounds like you are trying to say something worth my time to listen to.  While we all hate the Spice Girls, they, at least, have some sense of meaning in their songs.  A very, very, shallow sense, but it exists nonetheless.  "Messed up worse than your life is..."  Wow that rules D00d!  You are like, the only d00D in the world who has ever had a problem!  Congratulations!  A winner is you!  Guess what, fag?  There are people who would give their left arm to live the life you have enjoyed.  No matter that your mom sucks cocks to pay for her heroin habit, at least she can eat if she so chooses.

And Dr. Dre said, "Slim Shady you a basehead!"
Uh-uhhh! "So why's your face red? Man you wasted!"
Well since age twelve, I've felt like a caged elf
who stayed to himself, in one space, chasin his tail (blalblalblabla)
Got ticked off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off
Kissed em and said, "I ain't know silicone was 'sposed to be this soft"

Christ, you make this much too easy.

First, your conversations with your lover Dr. Gay doesn't interest anyone in the least.  So he's pissed because you came home stoned again?  Do you think you are any different than 35 million people whose significant others disregard them and leave every night to get high?

You are above the age of 12?  Wow.  I couldn't tell, neither by your vocal range nor your lyrics.

Tommy Lee would rip you another new asshole to go along with the one I am gouging out further by the day.  If you even looked at Pam on any media besides the internet or Baywatch, he'd shove his 10 inch dick down your throat.  Again, he might have belonged to a band which isn't popular anymore, (And I'm talkint about Motley Crue here, you uneducated dickhead) but at least they had some semblance of musical talent.

I see by your last lyric here that you are a chemist.  You obviously know the exact chemical properties of the 14th element.  Tell me this:  how many electrons are in the valence shell of your favorite element, silicon?

I'm bout to pass out and crash, and fall in the grass
faster than a fat man who sat down too fast

Jesus Christ, good fucking analogy.  I could never have thought of anything falling faster than a fat man who sat down too fast.

C'mere lady! (Shady, wait a minute, that's my girl dog!)

So you were trying to coax an innocent canine into performing sex favors for you?  What, does your music frighten away animals belonging to your own phylum?

I don't give a damn, Dre sent me to tick the world off!

His goal would have been accomplished if, instead of sending you to tick to world off, he had send you to make the world's population feel good about their own intelligence.

My english teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high (Damn!)
Thanks a lot.. next semester, I'll be thirty-five
I smacked him in his face with an eraser, chased him with a stapler
and told him to change the grade on the paper (Now!)

He wanted to flunk you eh?  So you just dropped the fuck out!

Served the bartender, then walked out with a tip cup
Extraterrestrial, runnin over pedestrians
in a spaceship while they're screamin at me: "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS!"

Um... what?  Is this some kind of ebonics crap you made up?  Or did you just randomly assemble English words to make lyrics?

Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to
I just found out my mom does more {dope} than I do
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous rapper
Make a record about doin {drugs} and name it after her (Here mom!)

Oh, dear... we never wanted you to find out.  That's why you were the last one to know about your mom.  But you lied to her... this song isn't called "Cumslut"

You know you blew up when the women rush your stands
and try to touch your hands like some screamin Usher fans (Aaahhhhhh!)
This guy at White Castle asked for my autograph (Dude, can I get your autograph?)
So I signed it: 'Dear Dave, thanks for the support, {ASSHOLE!}'

Guess what, those "women" you referred to are all transvestites wanting to probe your anus with their penises.  You don't think a real woman would really give a shit about you do you?

And I guess you really showed Dave, huh?  Congratulations, asshole, you just lost 1/3 of your fan base right there.  When you and your dog die, the other 2/3 will be gone.

... and this lyrics ramble on but I don't feel like bearing any more of them.  m&m, if you ever read this, I want you to
 

Here a few reasons why Eminem eats dick:

(If you have any other valid reasons can u email them to me so I can post them. Thanks).

1.       In the song Cleaning out my closet, Eminem says have you ever been hated or discriminated against? I have. when in fact Eminem is the one who is hating and discriminating against everyone else and every racial minority, only to have a cry about it when people do it to him.

Also, we believe that Eminem has repressed homosexual tendencies, being a gay bashing homo. He probably fucked Elton John in the ass, as well as Dr. Dre. Is Dr. Dre a real doctor? If so, hes probably proctologist. We believe what Eminems trying to say is Tonight, Im commin out the closet. 

2.       Emien eats dick. His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. This is stated in the song Lose Yourself. This is quite obviously, a reference to Fleminem whacking off too much. I guess the groupies arent so good after all, nothing beats the touch of a good doctor.
 

3.   Eminem also says do not miss your chance to BLOW! This either means dont miss your chance to cream in your jocks whenever you can, or make shit music. We think hes done both.

4.  The phrase He is nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting. We believe that this is about one of Emienms male groupies giving him oral stimulation.

5.   Eminems a poo pucnher. He really does eat cock..also Dogleash is gay.

6.   Slim Shady is not his alter ego, its the pet name for his SLIM penis (Spaghetti dick).  

7.   I been chewed up and spit out. Dr. Dre doesnt swallow. Sorry to make reference to the same song so many times, lets move on.

8.   In the song My Dads Gone Crazy (Hint, Hint, Eminem was fucked by his Dad), Fuckin brains, brawn and brass balls I cut 'em off, and got 'em pickled and bronzed in a glass jar . We dont want to hear about your fetishes you sick bastard.
 

9.   In Purple Pills, we think the line I've popped a couple uppers I've downed couple downers Is about how Eminem took viagra, and the effects of it when it wore off.

The Top 5 Arguments Youll Most Likely Hear In Eminems Defense

 Thats right folks, the moment youve all been waiting for, we here at Eminem Eats Dick have summarized the most pathetic arguments you could find, into one easy to laugh at document. Here goes nothing.

1. Eminem puts out a new revolutionary type of music. He brings new meaning to rap.
   
   - No, he brings nothing new to rap besides a whinny white element, which makes idiots buy his   records because they think hes being a rebel by engaging in a career generally only undertaken by black people.
   
    
2. Eminem is a genius. If you listened to his lyrics, youd see that he is.
   
   -No, I wouldnt. The ability to throw together a bunch of words to rhyme isnt a talent. Its easy, just grab a dictionary, and use every single word in there that rhymes. Youll end up sounding like a complete dick, just like Eminem. They dont even have to rhyme, just manipulate the word with youre whinny voice like Eminem does to make them rhyme.
   
    
3. Eminem is creating controversy to sell his records. Whats wrong with that?
   
   -What the fuck is not wrong with that? Bagging everybody under the sun including his mother in order to make money off idiots who eat it up sickens me. I think an artist should sell music based on you knowHIS FUCKING TALENT MAYBE!
   
    
4. Hes had a harsh life; hes only expressing his heartache in his music.
   
   -I dont give a shit. Boo-hoo. Nearly every musician anywhere, ever, writes/wrote music about something emotionally bad happening to them somewhere down the line. Eminem is not special for doing this. So he grew up getting beaten up and shot at. Big fucking deal. Him and about a million other artists.
   
    
5. Its better than youre type of music anyway. At least he doesnt scream incoherently all the way through the song.
   
   - Have you ever actually heard a metal album you retard? I cant think of a single metal song Ive heard where the vocalist screams every note of the entire song. And on the whole, metal vocalists can sing far better than rappers. Lets see Eminem compete with Corey Taylor, Chud, or Chino. Oh thats right, you dont have any idea about metal because youre a dick whos never even listened to it.