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Andromeda, The Mathematics of Tears
Nasty silicone within!
February 13, 2001
Series
Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda |
Episode
The Mathematics of Tears |
Airing Date
Week of 2001-02-05
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Sci-fi Bits
Aliens, spaceships, androids, energy weapons, artificial intelligence. |
Juicy Bits
Feel like making android love! |
Featuring
Kevin Sorbo as Captain Dylan Hunt
Lisa Ryder as Beka Valentine
Keith Hamilton Cobb as Tyr Anasazi
Lexa Doig as The Andromeda
Laura Bertram as Trance Gemini
Gordon Michael Woolvett as Harper
Brent Strait as Rev Bem
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There are two basic things that cable has taught me:
1) Computers and/or robots will always go crazy at some point. This will involve coldblooded, methodical killing and possible launching of nuclear weapons. This almost always occurs just after gaining sentience, being struck by lightning, or falling in love with a programmer/nearby secretary. The offending computer or robot is usually defeated by appealing to the its newfound emotions or tricking its program into continually looping a game/trying to solve an unsolvable equation/seeing the value of human life (this rarely works -- it's too hard to prove). Occasionally, it's just blown up, disintegrated, or unplugged. They rarely ever score with the programmer/secretary.
2) Any failing business can be saved by the addition of workers wearing bikinis. (Note: this may only work on late night Cinemax programs and is often aided by the addition of car washing.)
These two simple rules have allowed me to reach the high status in life I now enjoy.
This week's Andromeda finds Captain Thunderous Stickybuns and his elite band of interstellar explorers searching for a sister ship to Rommie, the Pax Magellanic. Beka (who's scheming to do some cargo transporting on the side) takes the ship to an asteroid field where, lo and behold, the Pax awaits them, complete with a crew that should have died 300 years ago and haven't aged a day thanks to the asteroids. Hmmm... Has someone told Cher about this place?
Like you and I have been thinking all along, all is not as it seems. It turns out that the Lieutenant in charge of the ship is actually the android version of the ship's AI personality, who went a little nuts during a battle between the Commonwealth and some Nietzscheans because her captain (and lover, which raises a host of interspecies dating questions and jokes involving the punchline "No, I said triple A batteries!") ordered her to destroy herself and commit suicide. Sure, that'll make anyone grouchy. Oh, and the rest of the crew? Androids. Turns out she felt so guilty, she (the ships always seem to be female) recreated the whole crew and then had to sit where she was for 300 years because she used her engine to blow up the planet where all those pesky humans were (including the Captain, which will teach him to date anyone constructed partially in Detroit).
Again, proving my theory that given enough time, all computers will kill. It's just a matter of time before it goes from balancing your checkbook to playing The Sims to building an army of nanomachinery trained to deconstruct human genitals from the inside. It's true, I read it in an essay in The Nation once.
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| Where'd she go? |
Back on topic, this was another pretty good episode of Andromeda, thus making it a little more boring to review, which is probably for the best -- there's only so many ways one can use the word "mullet." The trend of losing a crew member an episode continues (Trance is off being purple somewhere this ep), but at least Rev Bem shaved his moss beard at some point over the season.
The humor continues to be a strong point, but let's keep this in perspective: episodes of Homeboys in Outer Space had strong points, too, it just didn't help much (for the record, its high points were "hooptie" jokes, biting social commentary, and the world's first relaxed fit spacesuit). But I digress, Andromeda's much, much better than when it started out, in everything from special effects to plot.
Special recognition of this episode goes out to Monika Schnarre, the actress who portrayed the Lieutenant Pierce/Pax Magellanic. This shout-out is mostly because I wanted to share my pain at having recognized her from both a Total Recall 2070 episode and as a regular on Beastmaster: The Series with Ferrets Down its Pants. Now having seen her complete the triple crown of sci-fi shows least likely to be watched by anyone who doesn't know what a "Gorn" is warms my heart.
Despite having this against her, she's fine this episode, although whoever played her "mime" version (if you've seen it, it's during the funky virtual reality bits before you know she's Lieutenant Pierce) needs to concentrate a little less on trying to act like an extra from the "Justify Your Love" Madonna video. I was this close to saying "Whoa, check out the package on that guy!"
So, until the Dell in front of me figures out how to convert its Harman/Kardon speakers into some kind of projectile or biological weapon, I'll be checking out Andromeda, an improving -- and not altogether bad -- show. That might not be for long, though -- I knew I shouldn't have spilled that radioactive waste on the keyboard after inputting the combined works of Karl Marx, Napoleon and Richard Hatch.
Daisy, daisy...
--Rob Trevino is very upset that he couldn't squeeze in a Small Wonder joke.
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