And battle it was. The two of us fought constantly. The only thing that broke the conflict of minds were the pauses of forgetful thoughtfulness, or by the dreams at night that were mostly hers, with some of my strongest memories somehow finding their way in. Then we were no longer Yeerk and human, she the side effect of this body I used, or I the invader who took her freedom away. From everything to miraculous physical transformations, which always found us in some ideal state of beauty, to transformations of nature, maybe because of me, where we found ourselves in an unfamilar state on an unfamilar world that neither of us recognized, we were one. Then, just as everything started to make sense, our identities would affirm themselves. Hers would scream or simply realize that she was human, and that this was a dream and not real. I would always realize suddenly that this body that I lived in was a past one, like a Taxxon or Hork-Bajir host, and that the worlds of the dreams were planets revolving stars that didn't exist on any human chart.
There was the jerk to awake, and we would just lie there with our eyes closed. I say "our" because at that moment, for a split second the human frame would not be mine, but nor would it be hers. The arm would stretch out, as a result of both of us wanting to stretch. As would the mouth yawn and the knees bend to rise up. Then, gravity would snap back everything to its rightful place, and there we would be again. Sometimes then she would scream in despair as if the breif freedom could have been hers if she had grabbed for it, but usually she was in a sleeplike daze and when she realized the reality of things it was with a dull, cold realization.
I guess I was disturbed by this more than I knew, because Jiran was often concerned about me. Ever since I had revealed my plan, he had been very considerate, probably because he knew that when I got into power, he'd be in my good graces. Sometimes I wondered how much differently he would have acted if I had been an ordinary subordinate on his level, but it was certainly better than threatening him and talking like a swaggering, arrogant Visser just to uphold my image. Still, though, he was so worried about me it got on my nerves. A very human reaction, I'll admit; as I had feared, this host's emotions and tendancies were taking root not just in my outside actions but in my actual thoughts. They say that can happen sometimes, with certain people and certain hosts.
"Are you all right?" he asked me when he was picking me up in a car.
"How many times do I have to say that I'm fine?" I would not meet his eyes, for fear of seeing the worried father in him, looking after his daughter. "It's just that my host is rebelling now. I have to silence her now before she gets out of hand and ruins everything."
The mind of the girl Julie suddenly shook itself, shocked by what she had heard me say.<You won't silence me! You'll have to kill me first.>
<Kill your will. Break you. I will if I have to.> It was not something I enjoyed thinking about, but I had done it before, and would do it again.
"Fine, I'll let you two fight without a second thought from now on. But for now, your host's mother," his voice softened, "my host's wife, is getting in the way. She's an impedment to both our missions. Visser Three has required that she be made one of us."
<No.> Julie was devastated. She loved her mother so much, but . . .
"Perfect." It could be just the thing I needed.
Jiran looked down, troubled and maybe
a little ashamed for letting his host's emotions get in his way. He continued
a little grimly, "Well, I'll have to talk to her tonight. Stay out of the
way; seeing her daughter might influence her otherwise."
The girl Julie's mind reeled, struggling against me with renewed determination,
looking for some way out, and I thought of an idea. Not only was it logical
and would help with our plan, but it would also quiet Julie for the time
being. "No. Jiran, it won't work. Look in your host's mind. Do you
really think that she would accept any alteration of the facts that you presented
to her?" My host's mother was sensitive, intuitive, and had a solid ground
basis of what was "right" and "wrong." A major alteration of the mind or
body, the usual explaination for a Yeerk infestation for a person who could
not be tricked or bribed, would never go over well with her.
In addition, she was an expert in every existing realm of human science-ficition -- everything from govornmental conspiracies to full-blown invasions of Earth, and although the latter we we would never dream of, (killing all those hosts!) the former was not too different from what we were trying to accomplish right now, and with certain information about us, she might very well figure out the truth. Besides, I could tell Julie would go through a long period of loss and sadness when her mother lost her free will, so much that even seeing the shadow of her loss already forming in some corner of her mind brought back memories that I had tired my best to banish. Her affection for her mother was closely related to an affection I had felt long ago, someone I had fought with and would die for. Would have died for, that is. I wasn't sure if I could live with a double greif. What must be done has to be done, but maybe I could delay it a little while longer.
There was another objective to this, too. And it worked. Julie seemed to think that it gave her more time to rescue her mother from the horrible fate that awaited her. Since she knew a part of my plot to climb the ladder of the ranks, she even decided that she would help me. I saw her plans, outrageous things. She wanted, even if it was only in the most vague parts of her mind, to form a pact with the Andalites to help her. She wanted to free Jiran and keep her mother from becoming a Controller. Then she wanted to, using my authority, free all the hosts that she knew. Then she'd redirect the invasion so that the Andalites could triumph and crush us down. They were only abstract thoughts, of course, nothing she ever seriously considered.
But they were there, and pathetic as they were, they helped me in another way. The only way she could do anything even if she did manage to get control, was if I had the power and authority to execute those plans, so for the time being she set herself to get me that promotion. And that was just what I wanted: to put to use that mind of hers, in which I knew from her writings and thoughts, rested something we call haf'kor ; it's Galard for that spark of thought that breeds creativity and art. And isn't there even a human peice of literature called The Art of War? With that and my strategic skills, which I didn't think had dulled a bit since I had been demoted from chief statigen officer, I could make it to Visser. And as a Visser, I could bring to us that which had been out of our reach ever since Akdor declared insurrection from the Andalites so long ago.
Kareis nine-two-four, Visser Nine . . .
--------
<The first thing we need to do is make some sort of contact with them. Let them know that we're an ally, not an enemy. Convey to them that, somehow. Which is probably not going to be an easy task, considering phone lines are tapped, e-mail is intercepted, and face-to-face meeting could be fatal for a number of reasons. And that's after we get over the more immediate problem of finding them.>
I --we-- had just woken up, and the daylight had broken. I was still lying on my bed, hands behind my head to prop it up slightly as I thought.
Kareis was incredulous. <You're really gung-ho about this, arn't you?>
<I told you,> I said, ignoring her use of one of my favorite "weird" words, <I'm in this for my mother. Later for my father. And eventually for the entire human race. But I'm taking this one step at a time, so right now I'm mainly concerned about communicating with the Andalites.>
She laughed at me inside my head. <It's all so futile,> she said with laughter still in her mental voice. <Your plans . . . you think the Andalites are just going to care about you and trap you so I'll die? They don't want any Controller scum on their hands. And . . .> for a moment there was the silence of disbelif as she probed in my most secret, half-conceived thoughts, <you think you'll be able to rally together the hosts and organize a rebellion?! That's just too sweet.>
Just then Jiran knocked sligthtly on the door, and when there was no answer he slowly stepped in. "Oh, Ka --- Julie. You're awake." At first I wondered why he had switched names, because he obviously wanted to talk to Kareis. But then I saw my mom standing behind him. She had probably thought I was in one of my deep sleeps of Saturday morning and come with my father to help wake me up-- she had said once that in our old house, far away where we had lived three years ago, there had been a tornado that had torn through the rural town, devastated much of the out-back area and torn in screaming winds around our house, yet I never even stirred.
"Julieee," she said in the way left over from when I was six years old. It usually annoyed me, but right now it seemed so sweet I wanted to cry. It was one of the last remnants of my old, boring life. She sat down on the edge of the bed next to me, so Kareis sat up, propping myself up with my arms pushed down behind me. She aimed her eyes over, and I looked at my mother, the woman who had given me birth, had been protective of me ever since I could walk, who had been both friend and guardian to me, as if for the first time. I looked at her face, saw the strong, fine-crafted features that I had always envied, the lines around her eyes from smiles and tears and laughter, and knew that if the Yeerks had their way, those features themselves may not be changed, but never again would my mother smile that slow smile of happiness, never again to laugh and sympathize with me. There would be no need for even a facade, because we would all be one of them, a nice little family of Controllers. But I would not let them have their way. I swore then, as long as I had power and will to do anything at all, that they would never in a thousand years take my mother.
Strangely, Kareis had nothing to say about this, no sarcastic remark, no sneer at my futility. There was only a stark silence in my mind. To my shock, she reached over and hugged my mom, hard; the thing I had been wanting to do. Finally, she spoke.
"Hey mom," she said, my voice still tired and rough. "What's the matter? It's Saturday, isn't it?"
"Yes, it's Saturday," she replied, a little surprised tone in her voice. I was never a morning person. "Is something bothering you?"
<Yes, since I'm a host to an alien slug-creature and you're about to be one too, I would say something's bothering me.>
"Nah, I just woke up a little early today, for no reason."
She looked at me, smiling a sad little half-smile. "All right. I guess it's none of my buisness. But if you're having trouble with anything, remember I went through all the same problems when I was your age, and I'd be glad to talk to you."
<She knows!> I exclaimed mostly to myself. <She can tell! Maybe she can see through it; maybe I'm breaking through.> I felt a feeling of dissagreement from Kareis, but still she was silent.
My mom turned to leave the room. "Oh, and if you want to go to the mall today you'd better get dressed soon."
"Oh, never mind," Kareis said with a put-on sleepy voice, accomplished easily with a yawn. "I'm feeling kind of tired today. I think I'll just stay around the house, or maybe I'll spend the day at someone's house." This was definetly weird for me. I hardly ever passed up a trip to the mall, and when I did I was either sick or had "prior engagements."
Then I remembered with a mental groan that there were prior engagements. Kareis would go back to the Yeerk pool today. And she would try to intercept the Andalites today. She'd tell my mom she was spending the night at a friend's house, preferrably a friend with a Controller parent just in case my mom called to check on me.
As soon as my mother closed the door on her way out, Kareis jumped out of bed and quickly changed from my T-shirt and shorts into jeans and a Gap top and nice jacket. Then, she went over to my phone and made a quick little call to someone she called "Jared." Giving just a little time to splashing some water on my face, brushing my hair and dabbing on some makeup, Kareis grabbed a tote bag, went downstairs, told my mom (my "dad" had to work that Saturday, not surprisingly) that I'd be spending the day and maybe sleep over, just as a car pulled up into our driveway she said, "Oh, that's her mom now," and casualy left the house to get into the car.
It seemed that "Jared" had relayed a messege to a lower-ranking Controller woman, posing as my friend's mom, who would drive me to my destination, wherever that may be. Kareis hadn't given Jared any details.
<So, how are we spending the day?> I thought in an imitation of casual conversation, hoping she'd give me some answer.
<I am going to attend a meeting of the high-class Controllers as a represenative of the lower ranks. I'm going to gather information about the Andalites and prepare for my mission tonight.> She said in a way that told she didn't want to have to speak to me again for a while, so she told me everything nessesary that I might ask. There was a strong wave of bitterness that rose from her thougths, maybe because of my inquisitiveness. It made me wonder what Kareis had been thinking about, what brooding thoughts had brought about the depression that seemed rooted in the fact of my mother. Then I saw it, I knew it, or at least part of it.
I couldn't beleive it, though. <You feel sorry for me? For my mother? You feel sad that I'm going to loose her, the one person in this world or any others that I can talk to and share my deepest troubles with?!>
<Stop it! Stop it!!> Kareis screamed in my head, even what could be called crying. I could respond with nothing but utter shock. So I was right. And it made her feel terrible. But why?
Then it came. It was directly from Kareis, but it wasn't just a combination of images and concepts that my mind had to work to translate into anything understandable. It was pure memory, like a dream in the way that for that breif moment I tapped into Kareis's thougths and felt as she felt saw it all entirely through her eyes, and I knew it had happened a long while ago, yet it also had the sharp clarity of a cruel memory that will not go away. I could see everything, hear everything, feel everything and know everything, through Kareis's eyes.