The Ways to Freak Out Your Anifan Friends List

Chances are, if you're into Animorphs, you know at least a few people in "the real world" who do too.  And, knowing how bad obsession can be, some of these people can become paranoid and be prone to freak out at things that people who had never read Animorphs wouldn't blink an eye at. And the fun comes when they don't even know you read Animorphs, too. Thus the invention of this list.

Follow these directions:

• Start acting a little stiff and awkward around them for no particular reason as if you're in a new environment.
  
• Confide to them that your parents have been acting a little weird lately . . .
  
• Develop a new manner of speaking, preferably one with a much larger vocabulary.
  
• Occasionally grab your head and say "No . . .no!" in a pained voice, then quickly dismiss it as a headache.
  
• You'll find it's harder to brush away things like suddenly clenching your hand, facial tics and random slapping of your own face, but you should likewise brush them off as muscle spasms; you forgot to take your medication that morning.
  
• Once or twice slip some vague references to getting a promotion. This is most effective if you don't have a job.
  
• Most importantly, remember to go somewhere every three days where this friend can never find you. If they ask about it, say you were hanging out with "some friends" and refuse to talk any more on the subject.
  
• Start talking with various people who you normally would have absolutely no reason or desire to converse with. A vice-principal, an eccentric rich guy and any police people are a plus. To explain this, say something odd like "Oh, I'm just getting involved with the people of the community -- this is encouraged among your youth, correct?"
  
• Join a group like Boy/Girl Scouts or a youth group, act passionately interested in it and beg your friend to join, saying it will change their life.
  
• Get a hold of a toy "space gun" and keep it with you at all times. Or just a flashlight will do in a pinch. If your friend ever asks you about it, quickly change the subject.
  
• Make an Animorphs website, except one that's devoted to warning people about "the alien threat."
  
• On your tri-daily excursions, make little inside jokes about going to a "Pool party" and laugh to yourself about it.
  
• Whenever you see your friend reading an ANIMORPHS book, look at them in the face and say "You know that's a bunch of lies, don't you?"
  
• If anyone ever says something like ",and a light . . ." or "candlelight" jump up and yell "What did you say?!"
  
• Find some slugs in your backyard and store them in a thermos, and keep at least one and a pair of tweezers with you at all times. Best done if your friend dislikes AniTV.
  
• Mention in your conversation that for some reason you've come to love oatmeal . . . maple and ginger flavor, to be exact.
  
• Then go to a diner and creep out the waitress because of your maddened ravings about oatmeal and aliens in your head.
  
• Tell your friend that --you swear -- there's a kid at school who, for a brief moment, flashed away and looked like some kind of canine robot.
  
• Find some excuse to go to the bathroom or otherwise slip away every two hours, and refuse to go anywhere where you'll have to stay somewhere for more than two hours. A plus is if you can manage to keep track of time without having a watch.
  
• If you have or can get a hold of a credit card, driver's license, student ID, etc., rub it against your shirt and say something like "Now it should fit any human code."
  
• Develop fixations on certain vowels or phonetic sounds, repeating them over and over.
  
• Eat bizarre things like paper and cigarette butts (if you can manage it) and rave about how good the food tastes. A plus if you have a Cinnabon in the area.
  
• Go to a fancy restaurant and try out all the gourmet delicacies -- except for escargot. Violently refuse to touch the snails, and if anyone else eats it, cringe every time they take a bite.
  
• Tell them that you found this cool-looking blue box with all these symbols on it, and you sold it to a collector on the Internet.
  
• Talk about last night's edition of Hard Copy and say they showed footage of this strange creature they caught in the mountains . . . and describe in detail a baby Hork-Bajir.
  
• On the more official news, the governor is running for president, but all the stress caused him to check into a certain clinic . . .
  
• Mention that you went to the doctor recently and were given a medication that they only called "Formula 71." From then on agree with everything they say.
  
• If you have a sibling who also reads Animorphs and you have managed to keep them from finding out, talk enthusiastically at the dinner table about these cool friends you met and this club called the Sharing.
  
• At the school dance, all of a sudden act incoherent and delirious.
  
• If you ever have a reason to scratch/rub your leg, do it with the foot of the other leg.
  
• Always remember to scratch or pick at your ear periodically.
  
• If you notice anyone watching you closely while doing any of these things, be sure to put on an Shawn Ashmore Evil Grin (tm) and look at them strangely.
  
  

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