Use Your Head....NO, the OTHER Head

A Yaoi Fanfic Parody

By Tavestry


Touma smiled as he surveyed the room.

He had everything planned and all he needed was one very gullible Dakota. "Speak of the DemonChild and she appears," Touma snickered as the object of his torment walked past the 'Boys' Den'. Dakota turned at the sound of malevolent snickering but upon only finding Touma, with his nose in a book no less, she shook it off as more of his mental games he loved to play with her.

Dakota continued on her way down the hallway that housed the male members of the Trooper household. Shaking her head, she spotted Ryo walking past her, presumably to the laundry room where his practice gi was getting some much-needed washing.

"Etoo...Ryo? Could you come in here for a minute?" Touma called from the den. "I want you to help me compare something."

"Sure, Touma," Ryo answered and nothing seemed amiss to Dakota; after all, Ryo considered Touma his best friend. It all made perfect sense. She'd just been spending waay too much time floating around a certain cake page waiting for the next addition of 'Every Single Time.'

But her happy little illusion was shattered by Touma's next comment. "Is my...(too muffled to be recognized)...the right size?"

The world slowed down to mere nanoseconds as Dakota's stomach fell out of her chest, ricocheted off the floor and started doing the hula on the ceiling. As if she were trapped in molasses, she turned her head to better hear the conversation going on between the two close friends.

Did I mention they were very close friends? (Note to self: Never write another fan fic to the tune of 'Tears Behind the Mask.' You'll never get it done.)

"Umm...Touma, do you think we should be doing this in the den?" Ryo's voice replied, slightly muffled and soft. Dakota blinked and shuffled, quietly mind you, into the laundry room, which was next door to the den. She knew it was the place to go and listen to the guys when they were planning things during 'The Troubles' as Seiji put it so poetically. "We could get caught."

Touma's voice dipped into its lowest register; I suppose you could call it a purr, but the thought of Touma purring puts my teeth on edge. "Does it look like I care?"

Dakota's face was an hilarious mask of pure terror. 'No' she mouthed. 'No! THEY CAN'T! NOOO!'

"Then let me see it," Ryo murmured. There was a period of silence as Ryo inspected it. Then he cleared his throat. "Nice, Touma. I didn't know yours was so big. You should have told me sooner."

"I didn't want to brag," Touma laughed softly and Dakota rolled her eyes. Didn't want to brag my ass, she thought crossly. "Yours is pretty great too, Ryo-Chan."


(Hey! You! This isn't as bad as it sounds! Stop that! Your face is turning red. Am I the kind of authoress who would write yaoi? And besides 'Rainbow Paradise' is on! How could you write yaoi to that?)

"I'm glad you like it, Touma," Ryo laughed sweetly, almost innocently. Dakota's eyes rolled and it took all her much prided training not to armor up and beat the ever-loving snot out of Touma and Ryo. Didn't Touma know that Ryo and Mason were an item? Was Ryo cheating on Mason? If he was, Dakota didn't want to be there when Mason found out. She wanted to be safely tucked away in the kitchen sitting on the island facing the wrath of Shin. She'd risk the black eye and the broken fingers. "But mine's bigger."

"No way, Ryo," Touma disagreed, a little too loud but it rang out clear as a bell through the wall. "Mine's bigger, Ryo."

"I hate to disappoint you, Touma, but mine is bigger than yours," Ryo argued back. Dakota was chewing on her nails to keep from screaming. "I'll admit that yours is longer than mine, but mine's got girth. It's much bigger around than yours."

"I'm sorry, Ryo, but I can't accept that," Touma frowned, well at least it sounded like that to Dakota. "We both know mine is bigger. Yours is big around and short like Shu."

"It does not look like Shu!" Ryo all but screeched.

"Did somebody say my name?" Shu asked from the doorway and sent Dakota into a fit of hysterically silent giggles. YOSHIE! COME TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM QUICK!

Why and don't shout! Yoshie replied mentally.

Just come quick. I'm going to hold you responsible for my actions if you don't, Dakota hissed back at her.

She'd been so caught up in her mental conversation with her friend that she didn't catch the rest of Shu's entrance into the conversation. She turned her ear back to the wall and concentrated on the familiar baritone of Shu, who was talking. "So you want me to judge whose is the biggest? Is that it?"

"Yes, Shu," Ryo replied and Dakota could envision him nodding his head decisively. Touma, she bet, would be smirking. "Of course we all know that I'll win but we have to be fair about this."

"All right, show me," Shu said, just as Yoshie crept into the room. Dakota motioned her over and told her through their mental bond to listen to what was going on. Yoshie's face went pale and her eyes almost bugged out of her head, the only thing holding them in were her contacts. Shu was done examining and turned to Touma and Ryo. "Upon close inspection, I'd have to say that mine is bigger than both of yours."

"NANI?" Touma gasped and there was the sound of his chair crashing to the floor.

"SHU!" Ryo said forcefully. "If you truly believe that, you'll have to show us proof."

Touma seconded the motion.

Dakota turned to Yoshie who was trying to decide whether or not she should be horrified or very very Very upset with her Shu. (Cause you know he's whipped backwards and forwards.)

"There," Shu said proudly. "See? Mine's the biggest. What do I win?"

"Nothing," Seiji interrupted the contest. "Mine is much bigger than yours, Shu. I win."

Lee! Mason! Kivrin! GET YOUR BUTTS IN HERE NOW! Dakota and Yoshie screamed to the sisters in armor simultaneously. There were sounds of mental grumbling but they complied and made their way to the laundry room, puzzled as to what could freak out both Dakota and Yoshie, the un-freakable.

What? Mason whined.

Why are we talking mentally? Kivrin, ever practical, asked.

This had better be good, Lee all but snarled. You're making me miss Utena.

(Whoa...this is getting way too Freudian for me and I'm writing the dang thing!)

Trust me, Yoshie said and that was enough to convince them all to listen in on the goings next door.

"Seiji!" Shu growled. "How could yours be bigger than mine? Everybody knows that I'm the biggest guy here!"

"That doesn't mean yours is the biggest!" Touma countered. "It probably works in the reverse."

"But you know what they say about big swords and expensive cars," Ryo chuckled.

"Nothing," Seiji snapped icily. "I'll prove it."

There was silence and to the girls' over active imaginations they could almost hear the sound of a zipper.

NOOOO! Kivrin howled, all her worst yaoi fears confirmed.

What is Seiji doing? Lee demanded, eyes deadly.

Ryo's in there too? With SHU?! Mason squealed mentally, which gave every girl there instant nightmares. I am going to kill him. I am going to kill that damned pervert!

That's Shu you're talking about! Yoshie snarled, insulted.

Who's doing a wonderful impersonation of Ryo's prison bitch! Mason argued back.

Language, girls! Kivrin rolled her eyes and turned to look at Dakota, who'd gone terribly silent. Oh Please tell me it's not who I think it is, Dakota?

Dakota was too frozen to nod in the affirmative.

"What's going on in here?" Shin asked conversationally. Touma, the creator of the contest, laughed. "We're seeing whose is the biggest! Hey! Why don't you be the judge?"

"Ummm...Sure!" Shin grinned and there was once again silence as another of the males of the house performed his examination. Dakota had turned so pale that Kivrin was afraid she was going to pass out. Yoshie was absolutely shocked and well...Mason kept saying 'told ya so' mentally over and over again. Shin cleared his throat. "All right, I've made my decision and I must say that you're all magnificent!"

"Aww...You're just saying that, Shin!" Ryo chuckled.

"So polite," Seiji murmured deep in his chest.

"C'mon, Shin! Out with it!" Shu demanded. "Who wins?"

"Stop kidding yourself, Shu," Touma crowed. "I'm gonna win."

NO! NO! NO! NO! THIS IS WRONG! the five female troopers howled together mentally.

"After close inspection and trial and error," Shin took a deep breath and announced his judgement. "Mine is the biggest."

"NO FAIR!" Touma burst out. "Yours is the biggest 'cause Shu blew it up for you!"

"So?" Shin asked, puzzled.

Yoshie and Dakota stared at each other, utterly and in all ways too scared to move. This can't be happening. (I feel your pain, girls.)

Touma sat on his desk messing with the blue balloon he'd picked out for himself at the start of his little charade. He hadn't planned on including the other guys but it all worked out for the best. He bounced his balloon high in the air and watched it float down to his eye level. Ryo was busy treating his balloon like a ping pong paddle while Shin and Shu were hitting each other over the head with their correctly colored balloons. Seiji was deciding whether or not he should let his deflate.

Did we get her, Shu? Ryo asked quietly.

Yeah, Shu grinned and flashed them all the victory sign. You got Mason, too. She's in there listening. I think I even felt Yoshie.

Touma grinned like a feral cat. Then let's put on a show for our two spies, shall we?

(Let's not and say we did. I don't want to have to write that.)

Don't you think this is enough, Touma? Shin asked, worried. He knew Dakota's wrath very well and she wasn't likely to pull her punches on Touma. Remember SHE'S got the armor. YOU don't.

I'm sure Touma can protect himself, Seiji mused. And what could it hurt, Shin?

I still think we should stop now while we're ahead, Shin sighed and got Shu in the ear. The resulting sound was very loud and sounded like elastic being snapped. Touma reacted, lighting quick and hissed. "Don't flip my boxers like that, Seiji!"

"Don't parade around in them in front of me," Seiji replied blandly at the fully clothed doctor of astrophysics (Or so he tells us). "Now we haven't decided on whose is the biggest."

"I think Shin should be disqualified because he got help from Shu!" Ryo protested as he batted at his balloon. Touma's floated past him and he hit it back towards his friend.

"Hey! You never said I couldn't have help!" Shin protested, and as much as he tried to deny it, he was getting into this twisted joke. Shu groaned. "This isn't getting us anywhere!"

(There are better songs I could be writing this to but ah well...I can't help it. I just love Shin.)

"So whose is the biggest?" Touma asked again.

The door was kicked off its hinges and almost hit Seiji upside the head.

Shin's balloon popped.

Seiji let go of his and it flew crazily around the room as it deflated and came to perch on Ryo's shoulder. He was in the process of using the opening of the balloon to make a loud whine that lessened as the air was released.

Touma's landed gracefully on the floor.

Shu let all of his air out in one big blast that ruffled his hair.

Five identical expressions of shock littered their faces.

There stood one very pissed off and outraged Dakota, a rather lethal looking water balloon in one hand and a smirk on her face. Behind her, the other girls stood in vaguely familiar battle poses as they showed off their artillery. Some balloons were filled with water, some ice water, others were filled with something that almost looked like shaving cream. Five pairs of male eyes widened in terror.

"Upon close inspection by the experts," Dakota said, her voice dripping with venomous acid, (she got it from Naaza she told me) "I must conclude that mine are the biggest."

And it was target practice in the 'Boys' Den' as water balloons, shaving cream and ice cubes flew towards the perverted tormentors.


"Do you think we were a little hard on them?" Yoshie asked, concerned, as the five girls sat watching T.V. in the living room a little later. "I think Kiv went a little overboard with the whole wedgie thing."

"I've always wanted to try that!" Kivrin grinned with unholy glee as she poured through another issue of Gold Digger (aka Eye Candy). Lee was busy fussing over some Japanese words she didn't understand while Mason was busy drooling over her anime hunk of the month.

"Still," Yoshie mumbled, not convinced. "I mean, Touma won't be able to walk for a week, Shu said!"

"Oh," Kivrin mumbled. "Well, I'm not the one who depants'ed Firebug."

Mason grinned evilly.

"True," Dakota laughed as she flipped the channel for the fifth time in as many minutes. "But I did love that move you did on Seiji, Yoshie. Priceless!"

"I read it in a doujinshi," she giggled, pleased with herself. "But Dakota, I mean, WHOA! Remind me never to piss you off. I don't think we'll ever see the guys again after the punishment you concocted for them."

"Well, if they wanted to be yaoi, I don't see any harm in helping them find their way on the Minkway of Love!" Dakota cackled and Lee's hair stood on end. (Be afraid of this laugh.)

Outside the sliding glass door, five very butch girls were huddled, gazing into the room imploringly. All were gagged and one, a blonde, was limping about.

"When do you suppose we'll get the pictures back?" Yoshie asked, trying hard to stifle her cruel giggles. Kivrin grinned and flashed a set of keys in the air. "In about an hour."

"Are we going to let them in after we get the pictures?" Mason asked, curious.

"We'll see," Dakota laughed again and the five 'women' outside knew they were going to be out there for much longer than an hour.

(Insert music of doom here.)