The First Annual World's Worst Cooking

(and hopefully the last!!)

A fanfic by Celestial Tiger & Ani Nomiko

"Why do I have to be in this?" Touma complained, grabbing anything he could to keep from being pulled into the room.

" 'Cause you're the worst cook between all of us," Shin responded.

"And what's your proof?" Touma asked, crossing his arms.

" 'Cause you about burnt the house down five times so far," Ryo stated.

"HEY! I said I was sorry!!" Touma yelled as they continued to pull him into the room.

"Ooo.. Food! I'm soo Hungry!!" Usagi squealed happily as they walked into Central Dogma.

"This is not an eating contest you Baka!" Rei spat.

"Yea, it's a cooking contest. You didn't know that?" Ami asked.

"Well... umm.. no...," Usagi whined, "Then why isn't Makoto in the contest?"

" 'Cause it's a contest for the worst cook!" Rei stated smugly.

"NANI??!!" Usagi exclaimed, "I'm not that bad am I?"

"That's true; she did make curry once and it did taste fairly good," Ami pointed out.

"But that's all she's ever made that was edible," Rei pointed out.

"Grrr... I'll get you for this Rei!" Usagi yelled.

"Okay, not here. You guys can fight later. We've got to get ready," Minako said as Rei pushed Usagi kicking and screaming.

"Umm.. Akane, dear, don't you know that this is a contest for the worst cook?" Kasumi asked as they caught up to her.

"F...for the worst cook?" Akane asked in disbelief.

"Don't worry, Akane, I'm sure you'll lose then," Ryoga said, appearing next to Akane. Akane then pulled out a giant mallet and bashed Ryoga on the head with it.

"What was that for?" Ryoga asked as he collapsed to the floor in pain.

"Don't worry. You'll win this no problem, Akane!" Ranma called from the stretcher. "If all that taste-testing I've done over the past week is any indication," he added. She then whirled on Ranma, mallet raised to pound him.

"What?! You want to win, don't you?"

Lowering the mallet, tears shimmering in her eyes, Akane replied, "Well, normally but....this....I TRY!! I TRY TO BE A GOOD COOK!!"

"Like you try to be a martial artist?" Ranma called after her as she, stepping over the unconscious Ryoga, headed for the exit.

That stopped Akane dead in her tracks. She turned around, eyes glaring as she gritted through clenched teeth, "What...was...that?"

"Yeah, you heard me. You know, if you put in some practice, you could actually be good....maybe," he commented nonchalantly, leaning back in the stretcher.

"Are you talking about my fighting or my cooking?"

"Either. Both." He shrugged, wincing.

"I'll show you," she declared, stomping up to the stage, after leaving an especially large bump on Ranma's head.

"You have no choice, Misato. Remember it was an order," Ritsuko reminded her.

"Yea, yea..." Misato said, waving her hand as she finished off her can of beer. "Hey, Shinji! Can ya get me another beer?"

"Yes ma'am," Shinji sighed as he dragged a large cooler down the aisle.

"This is sooo boring. Why do we have to be here?" Asuka complained.

"Asuka, will you help me, please?" Shinji asked as he tried to pull the cooler up the stairs.

"You're the famous Third Child! Can't you do it yourself?!" Asuka sneered.

"I will help him," Rei said.

"Of course the Wonder Girl would help him. Jeesh..." Asuka fumed.

"You were picked," Ami pointed out.

"Better you than us," Rei commented.

"I'll go if you don't want to," Minako offered.

"No, I can't sacrifice you.. I'll do it..." Makoto sighed as she walked over to the table. The guards looked at her in astonishment as she walked up of her own free will.

"You heard him," Seiji said, nudging him forward.

"But I want to live!!!" Shu complained.

"Now, Shu. He's not trying to cook anything complicated. The worst he'll do is burn it," Shin said trying to comfort him.

"But still!!" Shu whined.

"We'll be with ya in spirit, Shu," Ryo commented.

"But I don't WANNAA!!!!!!!" Shu yelled.

"You don't have any excuses!" Shin said as he, Ryo, and Seiji pushed him over to the table.

"Yea, go on Great Third Child! Show us what you're made of!" Asuka spat. "You're not afraid are you?!"

"NO! Of course not!" Shinji replied.

"Then prove it!" Asuka challenged.

"Okay! I will!" Shinji declared angrily as he stomped to the judges' table.

"I won't have you say anything bad about Akane!" Ryoga exclaimed, charging his rival.

"Oh, so YOU want to eat her cooking?" Ranma asked. That stopped Ryoga dead. "Be my guest! Fine by me!"

"Uh, well, I didn't...I uh...YOUR name was the one called, Ranma!" Ryoga sputtered, urging the two fathers forward with their cargo.

"Don't you like her cooking, Ryoga?" Ranma called back to him as he was carried past.

"I'm...I'm just not worthy of the beauteous Akane's cooking, that's all."

The giant panda carrying the end of the stretcher held up a sign reading, "Your name was called and YOU'RE going to do it, Ranma!"

"Thanks a lot, Pop!" Turning his head to address Soun at the front of the stretcher, Ranma asked, "Hey, you want me to survive to carry on the dojo, right?"

"Tamahome!" cried Miaka, running after him. "Can I have one of those?" she asked, pointing at a bottle of citrus-flavored Tums of various colors.

"Miaka, what are you doing here?" he asked. "Don't you know it's dangerous here? I thought I left Nuriko and Tasuki to watch you!"

"Tasuki called Nuriko a fag and they had a fight. Nuriko was about to drop a boulder on him when he called up Rekka Shien and fried poor Nuriko to a crisp. It was easy to sneak out with all of that going on."

Sighing, Tamahome told Miaka, "Well, you can't have any of these. This is not candy, Miaka!"

Not listening, she grabbed a bottle of the Tums and started emptying it into her mouth.

"Miaka! Don't do...!"

"What?" she asked around a mouthful of antacid. "They're yummy!" Swallowing the last of them she inquired, "Can I have another?"

"Hey, I'll take a bottle of that over here, little girl!" cried one man.

Spinning to face him, the beautiful sorceress supreme Lina Inverse (as she calls herself) growled, "Did you say 'little girl'? FIREBALL!" Thus turning him to cajun-style spectator. Handing him a bottle of sake, she smiled and asked for the ¥2000.

Growling with determination as she started up the stove, she said, "Even Ranma will have to admit this tastes great!! And if he doesn't, I'll just have to drop-kick him again!"

"Major Katsuragi, Shinji is a bit tied up right now, but I got you a beer!!" Toji offered, holding out the can.

"Why thank you, Mr. Suzuhara!"

"It was my pleasure!"

"Okay, now what can I cook. Curry or ramen. Well, ramen of course. That's the one thing I can cook! YEA!!"

Usagi wondered, "Hmm...what should I cook? That snotty Rei thinks I can't cook, but I'll show her. On behalf of the moon, I shall COOK!! The last time I made curry, Mamo-chan liked it! Of course, he isn't here, but still, if he liked it, it must've been good. So I can do that! Sure!!"

"Why's that?" Ryo asked from where he sat in his chair.

"Um, Ryo, you remember the last time he tried to cook?" Shin asked, looking at Ryo.

"Oh, yea....the entire fire station was at the school to put out the fire," Ryo replied.

"Yea, the only good part about it was that we didn't have school for a week 'cause of it," Seiji commented.

"Yea, but for Touma that was more of a punishment then a reward," Shin pointed out and the other two nodded.

"But Toji, this is a contest for the worst cook," Kensuke pointed out.

"Yea, so?" Toji asked.

"You are the three stooges!" Asuka spat at the two.

"How did I get convinced to babysit?" Ritsuko asked herself.

" 'Cause their usual babysitter is in the contest," Kaji said, walking up behind her.

"That is true. And I guess I'd have to at one point or another," Ritsuko sighed. Meanwhile Asuka, Toji, and Kensuke continued to fight, while Rei sat silently watching.

"Do you really think she can manage to do this without destroying half the place?" Minako asked no one in particular.

"Of course, I'll be surprised if we get out of here alive!" Rei answered.

Ami pointed out, "Well, she hasn't actually destroyed anything. She's only made a rather big mess." Minako nodded, adding, "Yeah, well, as much as she eats, she has to know SOMETHING about food, right?"

"All she knows is how to shove it down her throat!" Rei declared.

"I feel sorry for Makoto, all the same," Minako commented. "I mean, she doesn't have to eat just Usagi's cooking. She has to try all of the others' too!"

"She's strong," Ami said. "She'll survive. I'd be more worried about the other judges!"

"You know, Genma, the boy has a point. He does need to survive if he's to carry on my Anything Goes Martial Arts dojo," Soun Tendo commented to the giant panda at his left.

The panda held up a sign reading, "Yeah, and he's also got to learn to survive Akane's cooking if they're going to be married!"

"True, true," Soun replied as he took a swig of sake.

"Hey, wait a minute," Nabiki spoke up. Turning to her sister, she asked, "Did we forget something important back at the house?"

"I'm sure I turned off the stove," Kasumi replied.

"No, I mean important. I think we forgot to lock up or something..."

In the distance, a small figure appeared, silhouetted in the doorway. Suddenly a loud cry blasted through the crowd.

"HOTCHAA!!!! Lookit all the girls!!! WOOHOO!!"

"M-m-master?" Soun and the panda's sign asked together.

"I knew we forgot something," Nabiki said.

"Oh dear," Kasumi replied.

Flipping up girls' skirts as he passed, Happosai gleefully made his way through the audience, tittering and happily chanting, "Girlies, girlies, girlies!!"

"This doesn't look good," Soun commented. The panda only nodded.

"I'm right here, my dear!" Happosai declared, goosing Miaka.

"AAAA!!" Spinning around, she looked left and right and saw no one. "Who?"

"Miaka?! What's wrong?" Tamahome asked, running back to her.

"I...someone pinched me!! But there's no one here."

"Down here."

Miaka and Tamahome looked down to see a happy, drooling Happosai standing directly beneath Miaka, looking up.

"EEEEK!!" Miaka shrieked, stepping back against Tamahome. "Not OJIN!! KOJIN!" she told the diminuitive pervert.

"Oh, then you don't remember me?" Happosai asked, wide-eyed. "Well, just let me have a good cry in your bosom and then I'll trouble you no more, dearie!" he said as he leaped up towards her.

Grabbing Happosai in mid-air, Tamahome threw the short-statured man across Central Dogma, exclaiming, "Don't worry, Miaka, I'll save you!!"

Happosai flew through the air, grumping about young people's selfishness until he landed. BAM! He realized quickly that he had landed on top of someone. A female someone.

He saw long orange hair and big red eyes and was instantly love (or lust) struck.

"Hotcha!! Hello, my lovely!"

"Who are you?" Lina asked, big red eyes narrowing. "And what are you doing on top of me?"

"Oh, I've been rejected. I am so full of sorrow. You look like a wonderful, helpful girl..."

"What do you want?"

"Just to have a good cry in your bosom....what there is of it," he added.

"WHAT?! FIREBALL!!"

And once again, the now-fried dirty old man flew across Central Dogma.

"Geez, this was ridiculously easy. Really, it should taste pretty good, even if it is instant. Hmm, what else should I add? I have some extra time, so I should use it to make it look pretty good. If ramen can look good without anything on it, anyway.

"I know! Maybe if I add a little beer to it! Yeah!! Now that's the way to cook ramen!!

"TOJI!! I need more beer, please!!"

"No problem, Misato! Anything for you!" he replied, racing up to the ring with a beer in each hand. As he ran past Asuka, she casually stuck her foot out in his way and he met the floor with his face. He immediately jumped back up and yelled at Asuka, "What'd you do that for!!!??"

"I was just stretching my legs. Oh, was I in the way?" Asuka asked snottily. Toji grunted and continued his sprint up to the ring.

"Yes, ma'am," Shinji replied.

"Leave it to me!" Asuka yelled.

"I'll back them up," Rei said casually.

"Do you think that's a good idea, Major Katsuragi?" Ritsuko asked, stopping her.

"We don't have any other choice!" Misato yelled as she pulled away.

"Mars is right. We need to do something!" Ami agreed.

"I'll free Makoto," Minako suggested.

"Ok, and Rei and I will work on the fire," Ami agreed.

"Venus Star Power, Make up!"

"Mercury Star Power, Make up!"

"AHHH!!! What am I going to do??!!" Usagi cried, jumping around the burning stage.

"USAGI!! TRANSFORM!!" Luna yelled from above her.

"How'd you get up there, Luna?" Usagi asked, looking up.

"Nevermind that! Just transform!!" Luna yelled

"Oh, yea! Right! Moon Crystal Power, Make Up!!"

"What should we do?" Shin asked. "Using water will only make it worse."

"Okay, Seiji, you go get Touma. Shin, you put out what you can without making it worse. And I will make an exit so more people can get out," Ryo commanded.

"What about Shu?" Shin asked, looking at Ryo.

"Oh, well, umm.. Seiji, can you get him out too?" Ryo asked.

"Uh.. Sure," Seiji replied.

"Okay, then Shin, Shu and Touma can stop the fire while we help get people out of here! Okay! LET'S GO!!"

"BUSOOOOO REKKA!"

"SUIKO!"

"KORIN!"

"TAMAHOME!!! Help me! I don't want to be burned up!" Miaka cried, running towards him. "And that creepy ojin is after me again!!"

"MIAKA!!" Not much more than a blur, Tamahome ran to Miaka, scooped her up and carried her away from the twin threats of flame and Happosai. "Come on, we'll get you up to the announcer's booth. Chichiri can get us out of here using his magic hat. Maybe this'll teach you not to sneak away from your Guardians! I told you you shouldn't have come here. Nuriko and Tasuki are probably worried sick about you, baka."

"Bring her back!" Happosai whined, hopping after them as they headed for the announcer's booth. "Oh, pooh. No respect for their elders anymore. None at all." He continued grumbling until several well-endowed, short-skirted spectators fled past him, screaming in terror.

"Hotcha! Hey girlies, come on, I can get you out!! Come with me!" And chasing after them, he forgot about the stupid girl and her cute boyfriend.

"Hey, you're a sorceress, aren't you?" someone in the audience asked her. "Can't you do something?"

"Hey, it's not my food, it's not my fire, and it's not my problem. Later. REY WING!!" Flying low to avoid smoke, Lina looked for a good place to create an exit. Finding a mostly empty section of seating, she cast, "ELMEKIA LANCE!" thus opening her own personal exit.

"USAGI!!" Rei yelled, "Get over here! NOW!!"

"Okay, Okay!" Usagi yelled, jumping to where her friends were. "Now what?"

"I can calm down the fire a little," Ami suggested. "SHABON SPRAY!"

"But what can I do?" Usagi whined.

"I don't know...think of something!!" Rei yelled.

"Don't even start, Seiji," Touma warned.

"Come on you guys. We don't have time. Seiji, go help Ryo. We'll work on the fire," Shin commanded.

"Right," Seiji agreed, leaving them.

"Okay, now what?" Shu asked, looking at the havoc.

"We'll split up. Each of us can use their sure kills to get rid of the fire," Touma said, creating an air bubble around him and flying up into the air. Shin and Shu nodded and prepared to do the same thing. Touma reached behind him for an arrow and notched it in his bow. "SHINKU HA!!!"

"CHYUU RYUU HA!!!!"

"GAN TESSAI!!!"

"SOU EN ZAN!!" Ryo yelled as he destroyed a wall.

"RAI KOU ZAN!!" Seiji yelled, destroying another wall beyond that revealing the oustide. "Okay, let's get out of here!!... Ryo? Where'd you go? And where did this fog come from?" Seiji asked, looking around trying to find anyone.

"Seiji? Where are you?" Ryo yelled, looking around.

"Shin! Where'd ya go?" Shu asked. "Oh well, GAN TES SAI"

"Where did this come from?" Shin asked, trying to see through the sudden fog.

"This isn't good! I can't see the fire now! How did a fog get in here? It's scientifically impossible!" Touma thought as he flew around what was left of the room.

"We better get out of here now," Tamahome suggested while looking down at the large rocks appearing out of the fog.

"All the EVAs are launched and on their way, Major," Maya Ibuki replied.

"What are we going to do, Misato?" Asuka asked as she led the way.

"The guns given to you are filled with super pressurized water! Just shoot it!" Misato commanded.

"Yes, ma'am!" Shinji yelled from behind Asuka.

"Pervert!!! Quit looking at me like that!!" Asuka yelled as her Eva kicked Shinji's.

"What?!!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Okay you two!" Misato scolded. The EVAs arrived in Central Dogma and started shooting at what they could find of the fire, not worrying about the five girls dressed in sailor fuku or the five guys in mystical armor, and not to mention the spectatiors that were still trying to get out.

"I'll take the lead!" Asuka stated, charging out.

"Why you?!" Shinji asked, racing after her.

"I'll back them up," Rei stated, walking after them.

"Well, this was an eventful afternoon," Kasumi stated, looking at what was left of NERV headquarters.

"I'm just glad I didn't have to eat Akane's cooking again," Ranma stated in relief.

"Is that SO?" Akane asked as she drop-kicked Ranma. Suddenly a small black pig came running from the carnage. "P-CHAN!" Akane exclaimed, grabbing the pig and hugging him. P-chan squealed happily.

"Ahh, so P-chan's here now," Ranma said acidly, landing in a puddle of water.

"It's the pig tailed girl!" Kuno yelled with delight.

"Ah, Shut up!" Ranma yelled, kicking Kuno in the face.

"What?" Shinji asked, looking over at Asuka. Asuka then sprayed Unit 01 with a blast of water.

"What'd you do that for?!" Shinji asked.

"Oops. It slipped," Asuka replied.

"I'm sure it did!" Shinji replied, blasting her with some water.

"Ahh.. Jeeze...." Misato moaned.

"They are just kids," Ritsuko pointed out.

"I know..." Misato groaned as they watched the water fight.

"What would you like me to do?" Rei asked as she stood away from the fight.

"You can come back Rei. You're not needed anymore," Ritsuko replied.

"Yes, ma'am," Rei said as she started away.

"You know, Major. This event was able to do the one thing an Angel has yet to do," Ritsuko pointed out.

"Yes, I know.. NERV was half destroyed by bad cooking..." Misato sighed.

"Yes, and not even an AT field could protect us against that," Ritsuko put in.

"It's not mine!" Usagi yelled.

"We know that!" Rei yelled.

"There's nothing we can do now," Luna said as they avoided one of the Evas.

"Let's go home. I'm hungry," Usagi whined.

"Okay, but you're not reading any of my manga," Rei yelled.

"Awww.. why not?" Usagi asked.

" 'Cause!! I Said So!!" Rei replied.

"Ok, you two. Let's go," Makoto replied. The girls then formed a circle and teleported away.

"Don't say a thing, Shu! Don't say a single thing!!" Touma replied.

"We better get out of here before they find out what happened," Seiji suggested.

"Hey, Shin! Will ya fix me some waffles when we get back?" Shu asked.

"Do I haveta?" Shin asked.

"Aww.. come on. Please Shin!! I'm beggin' ya!" Shu said as they walked away.

"Okay... " Shin agreed.

"ALL RIGHT!!" Shu cheered, running ahead.