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PICTURES
From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:
A motorist was
unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in
the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police
department that contained another picture -- of handcuff.
[1st page]
GOD, CLINTON, GATE & YELTSIN
God assembled three
of the world's most powerful men, and sat them down for a good
God-to-powerful men talk...
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates shivered in
anticipation.
God let them know that he was totally pissed at the way the human
race was doing things, and would destroy the world in two weeks.
With a wave of his hand, he sent them back to Earth.
Bill Clinton assembled the Cabinet. "I have good news and
bad news," said Clinton. "The good news is that there
is a God. The bad news is that he's really pissed and will
destroy the world in two weeks."
Boris Yeltsin faced the Russian Parliament. "Comrades, I
have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that despite all
our propoganda, there IS a God. The worse news is that he will
destroy the world in two weeks."
Bill Gates gathered his Board of Directors. "Guys, I have
good news and better news," he said smiling. "The good
news is that God considers me one of the three most powerful men
on Earth. The better news is that we won't have to fix Windows 95."
[1st page]
PREGNANT JOKE
Only in England!
True story in England from an actual trial:
A young woman who
was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a
young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account
of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when
asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded
the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under
an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust
Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans
Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she
sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick
Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth
move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop
Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The young man won the case.
[1st page]
THE VALUE OF TIME
To realise the value of ONE YEAR | - | Ask a student who has failed his exam. |
To realise the value of ONE MONTH | - | Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby. |
To realise the value of ONE WEEK | - | Ask an editor of a weekly. |
To realise the value of ONE DAY | - | Ask a daily wage labour. |
To realise the value of ONE MINUTE | - | Ask a person who has missed the train. |
To realise the value of ONE SECOND | - | Ask a person who has survived an accident. |
To realise the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND | - | Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics. |
To realise the value of ONE NANO-SECOND | - | "Ask a Hardware Engineer"! |
And even then if U don't realise the value of time you must be a Software Engineer!!
[1st page]
THE UNION
A dedicated shop
steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out
the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the
Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it
isn't." she replied. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut
do the girls get?" the union man asked. "The house gets
$80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search
continued a looong time... Finally he reached a brothel where the
Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And
if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more
like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her
for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing
to a fat sixty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here
has seniority."
[1st page]
DARWIN AWARD
You'll recall a Darwin award from not too long ago where a guy decided to strap a cargo plane rocket booster to his car to see how fast it would go, and ended up hitting a cliff several hundred feet in the air. Here's one more. This story was clipped from the recent Darwin awards, which people get for doing something incredibly stupid. True stories. Here's the winner:
Larry Walters is
among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams
into reality. His story is true, as hard as you may find it to
believe . . .
Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When
he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes
of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified
him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy
himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that
crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his
lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.
Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy
surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several
tanks of helium. These were not your brightly colored party
balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four
feet across when fully inflated.
Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his
lawn chair, the kind you might have in your back yard. He
anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and inflated the
balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks,
and a loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it
was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry sat
in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily
float into the sky, and eventually back to terra firma.
But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the
cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a
cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and
climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At
that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons,
lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying. So he
stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a
loss about how to get down.
Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los
Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower
about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet, with
a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I would have given
anything to have heard!)
LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall,
the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry
began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a
helicopter to rescue him, but the rescue team had a hard time
getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept
pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther away.
Eventually, they were able to hover above him and drop a rescue
line, with which they gradually hauled him back to safety.
As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was
led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called out, "Sir,
why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied
nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around!"
[1st page]
PHILOSOPHIES
these jokes are taken from FTJE-UKSW