A Code Of Ethical Behaviour For Patients........

You will  have a short, easily pronounceable surname to which you will respond instantly when called.

Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.  Remember that your doctor has a profesional reputation to uphold.

Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.  Involvement with your suffering may cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

You may not bleed, vomit or deposit any unmentionable excrement on NHS premises.

Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced

Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be easily explained in terms that you would understand.

Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

At the conclusion of treatment, you will thank all staff profusely, handing round Milk Tray (or preferably, more expensive chocolate), bow low and walk out backwards smiling all the while.

Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

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