You might be a nurse if....

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

When you meet a man for the first time and tell him you're a nurse, you're expected to laugh hysterically when he asks for a bed bath, as if its the most original, wittiest thing you have ever heard. 

You believe experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.

You see stress as a normal way of life. 

Your sense of humour seems to get more "warped" each year. 

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart. 

You think marmite and coffee is a balanced diet.

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock. 

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You have told a patient to "get some rest now" and they die right then and there in front of you and all of their family members.

You have ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your bladder.  (Tried and true method for desperate nurses!)

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)

You believe lunch can be absorbed transdermally by applying it to an inconspicuous spot of one's arm while working.

Everything only happens all at once.

Most everything can seem humorous...eventually.

Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You have more than five pins on your uniform.

You get bumped in a car accident and the accident scene looks like the casualty dpt exploded from your first aid kit in the boot.

You have more T-shirts that say, "Love a nurse PRN" than plain T-shirts.

Half of your wardrobe has bloodstains on it.

Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

You've ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

Your family stopped talking to you because every time you open your mouth it sounds like a recital from a medical dictionary.

You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.

You've ever wondered whether it would be legal to keep a defibrillator in the trunk of your car.

You've ever raised your hands to heaven and said, "These hands have been touched by God."

Every magazine in your house has the word 'nurse' or 'RGN' in the title

You have a life times supply of rubber gloves.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You can comfort anxious patients with, "I know just how you feel. It's my first IV, too."

You believe any job where you can drive to work in green pajamas is a cool job.

You don't eat before driving to work because you want to be an "easy intubation" if you are in an accident.

You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease but wish you had bought that CPR pocket mask you've been promising yourself.

The first rule in nursing is 'don't hurt yourself.'

You believe all bleeding stops...eventually.

You believe you can't hurt a dead man.

You don't get excited about blood loss-unless it's your own.

You think the patient will be all right if he is okay.

You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.

You believe all fevers will eventually come back to normal on the way to room temperature.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.

You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don't understand the situation.

You believe death is a severe stage of shock, or shock is a pause in the act of dying.

You've ever said, "WHY am I here?"

You can't see it; it's probably not there.

Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off.

You live by the motto; "To be right is only half the battle; to convince the patient is more difficult."

When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.

You're at supermarket, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.

When asked, "Are you are the nurse on tonight?" You want to respond, "No, I just like dressing up as a Nurse and hanging around because I have nothing better to do!"

Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to SHOUT if they need help

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

You refer to an admission diagnosis of 'PFO'. (Pissed and fell over)

You can eat a choccy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn't bother you.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as an elephants.

If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.

You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

You've ever listed a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk".

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

You tell local drunks tips on where to sleep so you won't be bothered with a return visit.

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.

You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have something to do on the night shift.

You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.

You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize.

You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.

Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

You have the bladder capacity of 5 people

You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage

You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a satanic plot

You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered

Your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"

You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, well get to you in 3 days)

You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

You believe chocolate is a food group

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants

You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see

You have your weekends off planned a year in advance

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name

You say to yourself, "Great veins!" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store

Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's

Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard

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