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The
Staff............
A
Professor :-
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God.
A Senior Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a shunting engine
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God.
A Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
Is almost as powerful as a shunting engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved.
A Senior Registrar :-
Barely clears a pre-fabricated hut
Loses a tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God.
A Registrar :-
Makes high marks on a wall when trying to clear tall buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring himself
Doggy paddles
Talks to animals.
An SHO :-
Runs into buildings
Recognises locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued amunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls.
An HO :-
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says 'look at the choo-choo'
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself.
A Nurse :-
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Picks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God.
The
NHS Staff Charter
We have already had the Patient's Charter. It
should now be the turn of NHS staff.
It is the government's wish that all staff should find their work
pleasurable, fulfilling and rewarding. To this end, certain
measures will be implemented so that in future, patients will not
interfere with the smooth running of GP surgeries, hospital departments or
wards.
| 1. |
All patients will
have short, easily pronounceable surnames to which they will
respond instantly when called. |
| 2. |
They will attend
for appointments at precisely the time requested, instead of
arriving half an hour early or late and then complaining if not
seen instantly. |
| 3. |
They will give a
simple, clear history, making the diagnosis obvious. |
| 4. |
All patients to be
examined will be freshly bathed or showered and will weigh not
more than 14 stone (89kg). |
| 5. |
Patients may not
bleed, vomit or deposit any unmentionable excrement on NHS
premises. |
| 6. |
They will be able
to climb unaided on and off the examination couch and will present
unequivocal physical signs. |
| 7. |
Patients will no
longer require doctors to peer into unsavoury fundamental orifices
and where they fail to conform to this guideline it is acceptable
to insert red hot or ice cold endoscopes into delicate areas of
their anatomy. |
| 8. |
At the conclusion
of an appointment, patients will thank all staff profusely,
handing round Milk Tray (or preferably, more expensive sweets),
bow low and walk out backwards smiling all the while. |
| 9. |
Patients will
consider themselves cured at their first attendance and will not
be permitted to return with similar symptoms for a period of at
least two years. |
| 10. |
To ensure the
smooth implementation of this Charter it is proposed that
additional staff, trained to educate patients in their new
responsibilities will be recruited. |
Inevitably, there will be some small hiccups at first but if it is
anticipated that these will be easily resolved by the free and liberal
distribution of gripe water, a sample of which is enclosed in this
document.
MEMORANDUM
: To All Hospital Staff.
RE : Two New Cost Cutting Measures.
Cutbacks in the
phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood related
tests on patients who are already bleeding.
A bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided
on each ward. Families, patients, and the few remaining
employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The
resulting mold on the compost will be used by the pharmacy for in-house
production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be
available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will,
coincidentally soon be the only antibiotics listed on the formulary.
From the notice board
at work...
All targets met
All systems working
All customers satisfied
All staff eager and enthusiastic
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
also.....
We the willing, led by
the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We
have done so much with so little for so long, we are now qualified to do
anything with nothing.
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