ERRORS IN THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST:THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS was released in 1997 by the television arm of Walt Disney Productions. It is a blasphemy- a vicious insult to the fans of BATB,who were duped into believing that a sequel was on the way.Instead,they delivered THIS. TEC is little more than a Saturday morning cartoon.The characters have been messed with to the point where their personalities change. I mean, it's rather obvious that the makers of TEC barely watched BATB.(And they have the nerve to acknowledge BATB in the credits! Robby Benson and Paige O'Hara deserved better,and Tim Curry does his best with what little he's given. Paul Reubens is Fife,one of the most annoying animated characters ever-"Oooh,my SOLO,my SOLO!" Solos are one thing Paul Reubens knows how to perform,I suppose,so he almost had the- very phallic-character down.

I am a firm believer in the parallel universe theory. I believe that somewhere,there is a whole universe where the characters of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST are real people...it's a place of undying love and beauty...wouldn't that be cool? Well,if it was good enough for Einstein,it's good enough for me. TEC is set in a completely different universe in relation to BATB.It's undeniable. The errors made in this movie completely nullify the possibility that the two are even related. This is a list of errors that I compiled while watching TEC-in disgusted horror,I might add. This list contains cold hard merciless facts,and if you cannot handle it...that's just tough.

1. FACT: Chip's hair is brown. Here,his hair is blond. Also,the original voice of Chip(Bradley Michael Pierce)is conspicuously absent. That's NOT Chip!

2. Ty Burr of ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY commented on the cheaply animated characters,and I agree. There's just the barest resemblance,and I refuse to believe that Mrs. Potts's face shrank into her skull and Belle's eyes changed shape. (They had SIX YEARS to animate this!)

3. FACT: Beast is quite agile.He scales walls.He jumps with the agility and grace of a cat. Why can't he stay on his feet on the ice?(I like the fact that they were smart enough to realize that there's a moat down there,however.)

4.Where was Forte in the original film? The same goes for Angelique and Fife! I don't see them in the ballroom at the end,nor in any part of the castle!

5. "Will you do me the honor,old friend?" OLD FRIEND?! WHAT? WHAT FRIENDS?! (Such is my complaint with Michael Tunnel's BEAUTY AND THE BEASTLY CHILDREN-besides the fact that it even exists.)

6. FACT: In the original movie,Beast's room was cluttered with junk-busts,ripped paintings,a broken bed,etc. Are we supposed to believe that Forte is in or around there? Well,he WASN'T in BATB!

7.FACT: Cogsworth,in BATB,reacts immediately to Lumiere's flames. Here,why does he react so slowly? He's MADE OF WOOD!

8.Since when is Cogsworth tempted with food? He seems to be on a diet in BATB. Did you notice that? He reacts almost NEGATIVELY around food. "Glass of water,crust of bread..." He must come from a family of large men(I sure do!)

9. FACT: Beast is not an idiot.I refuse to believe that he wouldn't realize what Forte was doing.

Okay...now we have an especially bad scene. Beast remembers the night when he was transformed by the Enchantress.Which happens to be at Christmastime...yeah,RIGHT...This whole scene actually proves that this was actually taking place in a parallel universe.

10.(1) FACT: The Enchantress appeared first as an UGLY old woman. Here,she looks like my GRANDMOTHER. Actually,she looks like Granny (Tweety's owner?) What happened to "repulsed by her HAGGARD appearance...?"

(2) At the beginning of BATB,the stained-glass shows her bent, hunched over,but NOT HERE. She has no deformity,and I'm pretty sure that the wrong eye is closed. Plus,there was a tooth jutting out of her mouth...and it's not there in TEC.

(3) She's also wearing a red cloak here.In the stained glass, she wears a green...whatever...that becomes a gown.

(4) The Prince refused her TWICE,not once,as shown here. And the line with which he refuses her..."I don't need a rose." What rocket scientist came up with THAT line? I don't need a rose? She did that to him because of "I don't need a rose?" I DON'T think so.I can't accept the "Please accept this rose..." line either. It's cold as hell outside,you're standing there dying of the cold,and the door opens. You look up at the guy and say,"Please accept this rose,etc..." What planet are YOU from? Say hi,hello,sir,I'm really cold,see my chattery teeth,god you're a hunk,awfully big for an 11-year-old, mothers lock up your daughters...

(5) FACT:The Enchantress had LONG blonde hair.Here it's lemony yellow and noticeably shorter.Plus,in the stained-glass,her eyes are closed.So why are they open here?

(6) FACT: The Prince is dressed quite regally in the stained glass. Here,he's dressed in a white poet's shirt and black pants.I WANT THAT SHIRT!

(7) He closed the door before she cursed him.And he doesn't scream convincingly while he's being transformed. He sounds like she just stomped his toes.

11. WHAT boiler room? I mean,it's great that they have heat,but... and why did the boiler have to be alive?

12.FACT: The castle grounds have been rearranged.Those damn developers from POLTERGEIST went and moved the forest,and then brought it back.

13.They had no bat problem in BATB.How did the bats from the woods get into the castle?

14. FACT: Beast never used no double negatives in BATB.Here,he says "There won't be no Christmas!" and that ain't never something he'd say.

15.FACT:Beast's cheeks do not puff out as they did here. The line about "getting her a little something" sucks. So does Beast yelling for Cogsworth.He never did that in BATB.(Actually,I think it's a misguided homage to SUPERMAN..."Miss TESSMACHERRRRRRRRR!" They stole that,and ripped off SLEEPER, VOLTRON and A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS- among other things. Did I mention that most of the script sucks? I could've dined on wood chips and pencil lead,waited a few hours, and pulled a better script out of my anus. Where was Linda Woolverton when we needed her? Probably far away from here.(Have you seen her interviews? She's a very intelligent,articulate woman.) IT TOOK FOUR PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS!

16.FACT: Nobody in BATB ever mentions Christmas.NOT ONCE.

17. How come no one else can hear Forte except Beast,Belle and Sultan? And why can't they hear him from INSIDE the castle?

18."You lazy old clock!" (Come on,this is Lumiere,the man who said, "You...you overgrown pocketwatch!" and "You look so...so..." Silence can be a weapon,folks.

19.Why didn't Belle say "Thank you for saving my life again..." after Beast rescued her from the lake? She obviously had time. Beast dried her off.(Hypothermia KILLS.) So he kept her warm...and then threw her in the dungeon? Come ON. Beast isn't stupid. He could have figured out what was happening there,evil organ or no evil organ. Blame the writers.

20.FACT: I'm really sorry to have to say this...but Beast can't read! So how can he read Belle's story? He hasn't even given her the library yet...

21.FACT:The wolves had pupils in their eyes,and now they are only glowing yellow sockets.

22.FACT:Snowboarding did not exist in the 18th century.(Don't ask.)

23.FACT:Lumiere and Cogsworth are good friends,even though they seem to be enemies sometimes.(Spock/McCoy relationship)"A Cut Above The Rest" is completely unneccessary.

24.FACT: The rose is enchanted. The bell jar isn't.Why are they concerned about the jar when it's about to fall? The rose is floating. (Although it IS a beautiful jar...)

25.There was no real suspense in this film. Forte was a mere annoyance-another standee in the long line of cliched cartoon villains who lack what it takes to win. Gaston would've kicked in his pipes. There was an element of foreshadowing in this film. "Don't Fall In Love" was tedious,because you already know it doesn't work. (And who came up with the green energy angels? Yech. (just a note-my mom is an organist,and so I know something about organs.All they had to do was turn Forte off!(although ripping the keyboard free and doing a Kurt Cobain with it worked just as well.)

26.Now for two mistakes noticed by a friend of mine who shall be known as Racer X. (1) The bandage that Belle dressed Beast's wound with is gone. You know,that wound caused by the wolves? I don't think that would've healed overnight.(2)The pooch seems to have de-aged. (I think it's a puppy,though.) (3)This is a complaint shared by us both:Why don't Belle and the Prince have a child or children?(It's only a parallel universe,but what the hell,right?) It's obvious that their relationship is going to involve sex at the end of BATB-the way they LOOK at each other is indication enough-(and I believe they do have a child)and they're not present for the story, which is being told by Mrs. Potts in flashback.My guess is that they're having a celebration of their own,if you know what I mean.)

It's now time for the one thing they did right:The final scene,out on the balcony.

27.I found it interesting that the door opens-there ARE two doors, you know,not just one-on Belle and the Prince on the balcony,gazing into each others' eyes,holding each other close. Then the Prince gestures WAIT. He pulls a present from his jacket,momentarily surprising Belle. He waits in eager anticipation as Belle opens the package...and there's a rose inside.She smiles when she sees it, and then looks up at him,and he's smiling too. They turn,with their arms around each other,to look at the night sky,filled with stars. I don't know how to explain it. It's like realities suddenly shifted in a way that our eyes cannot decieve,showing us the truth after being exposed to the lie.