J. Ewing wrote: Sun 5/19/13 @07:30 EDT re the 81-year-old

motorist who got lost following his wife through Kentucky:

Guess the wife had never heard of a trailer hitch?  You know.
Put the demented old fart in the RV with you, and pull the car
with the RV.

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 5/19/13 @12:51 EDT:

Florida legislators just refused money from the feds for Medicaid
support.  However, those arrogant bastards get full coverage (in-
cluding dental,  vision,  and the much needed mental coverage) –
for life – for the staggering sum of $8.00 a month!  What  south-
ern border hellhole was the honorable Lindsey Graham referring
to, I wonder?

Four  school  buses  crashed in a chain reaction near North Webster,
injuring three drivers and 52 pupils. . . .

A Ball State University class called "Boundaries of Science" has been
challenged for teaching creationism.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Former Miss America Heather French Henry,  wife of a discredited former
Lieutenant Governor, is the latest Democrat hottie being touted to challenge
Mitch McConnell for his seat in the United States Senate. . . .

Thoroughfare joining Highway 101 about 5 miles north of 'the Junction' in Allen County, 'That should be in Edmonson County,' exclaimed the banjo player when he came upon it, 'No,' explained his guitar-playing bandmate, 'If it were in Edmonson County, it would be Hog Hollow Church Road' (Tabloid Headlines photo)

              

Lexington's most wanted: Amanda Caldwell, WF, 31, 5'6", 120 lbs (Herald-Leader)

                                                                            [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"The FSB [Russian Federal Security Bureau] got sick of American spies and de-
 monstratively and publicly slapped one of them,  like a cockroach who thought
 he was master of the crumbs in the kitchen."
                                                                            – Moscow tabloid Komsomolskaya Pravda

"Unless they make use of these facilities, it will be difficult to control the sexual
 energies of the wild Marines."
                                                            – Osaka mayor Toru Hashimoto, urging American
                                                               troops in Japan to patronize the local brothels

"The revolution will bring the country 50 million rolls of toilet paper."

                                                                               – Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro

"We will serve fried chicken."
                                                    – Sergio Garcia, inviting Tiger Woods to dinner

Outbox  collects  a  customer's U.S.  mail three times a week,
photographs it, and delivers it to the customer's mobile phone,
for $4.99 a month,  with value-added services  of paying bills
and removing customers from junk mail lists.

Lady Cosima Windsor, 3
Jewel, 39
Stevie Nicks, 65
Tommy Chong, 75

"Rockers":

Vic Ames (1925-1978)
Kitty Kallen, 91

Wealthy Russians were hiring ambulances for taxis to cut
through Moscow traffic. . . . An Italian clothing company
obtained a U.S. trademark for "Jesus Jeans." . . .  A ban
of  apostrophes  on street signs in Mid Devon,  England,
lasted less than a week (St. Paul's is back!).  . . .  A 23-
year-old college student riding an ATV in  south  Florida
pulled an 18-foot, 128-pound Burmese python  out of a
bush, wrestled with it, and decapitated it with a knife. . ..
Ratziel Timshel Ismail Zerubbabel Zabud Zimry Pike Bla-
vatsky Philo Judaeus Polidorus Isurenus Morya Nylghara
Rakoczy Kuthumi Krishnamurti Ashram  Jerram  Akasha
Aum Ultimus Rufinorum Jancsi  Janko  Diamond  Hu  Ziv
Zane Zeke Wakeman Wye Muo Teletai Chohkmah Nes-
ethrah Mercavah Nigel Seven Morningstar  A.  San Juan
CCCII,  15,  enrolled  at  Urdaneta  City  National  High
School in Pangasinan, the Philippines. . . . A propaganda
video showed Syrian rebel commander Abu Sakkar cut-
ting into a government soldier's chest and  biting  into  his
heart and lungs.  . . .  A construction crew seeking gravel
for  road fill  bulldozed a 2,300-year-old Mayan pyramid
in Belize. . . .Traces of cocaine were found in 32 per cent
of Minnesota lakes tested in a survey. . . .One of two bur-
glars "butt-dialed' 911 in Fresno,  California,  as they said
they  "need weed"  and proceeded to break into a car for
it. . . . Pope Jorge recognized atheists as capable of good
works. . . .Ohioans were rated among the five rudest peo-
ples in the United States in a survey, and the most profane
in language.

• General Tsos chicken (it's all sauce)
• Elmers glue (what are elmers?)
• Grovers Corners (we know what grovers are, but wasn't this fictional town named for someone named Grover? Ditto with pikes and harpers)
  

 

                       

Lacrosse hotties: Sacred Heart Academy, Louisville, Ky., vs. Kentucky Country Day (Courier-Journal photos by Scott Utterback)

A 50-word quotation tattooed on Oklahoma City Thunder basketball player
Kevin Durant's back includes a misspelling. . . .

The St. Paul Saints of the American Association played an  exhibition  base-
ball game against the Gary SouthShore RailCats umpired by little leaguers in
a jury box instead of men in blue. . . .

Shanteona Keys, a basketball player for Georgia College with a 78 per cent
free throw average, dropped one  8 feet short of the rim,  and explained that
she always brings the ball close to her face before shooting  but this time "my
fingernails got caught on my nose."

Softball not-so-hottie: Kelsey Nunley, University of Kentucky (when did pitchers begin wearing face masks?)

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 5/12/13 @11:45 CDT re Natty Bumppo's
e-mail titled "THURL," with link to that day's Tabloid Headlines:

Can't connect to the link.

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 5/12/13 @11:45 CDT re Borf Books' e-mail
titled "Your Sunday paper," with link to that day's Tabloid Headlines:

Can’t connect to this link, either.  I used to get everything just fine
until you started fucking around to "fix" things for everybody else.

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 5/12/13 @11:59 CDT:

After rebooting both my computer and my Linksys, I was able to o-
pen the URL through both e-mails.  Apparently it was a recognition
problem that the computer now recognizes.  Sorry to be so alarmist.
I should have experimented a little before replying.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  Don't blame yourself:  You're the victim.  And
so are all the rest of us who rely upon the internet for information.

But here's what we're gonna do:  Beginning this week,  we'll transmit two
issues of tabloid headlines:  The usual full e-mail,  and also the e-mail with
nothing but the URL  (in a plain brown wrapper).  The former is easier to
reply to for those who want to share their thoughts,  easier  to quote from
in a reply,  and,  for some,  just easier to read.  The latter will be for those
who don't get or don't want the former.

And here's a special, one time only offer!   For one week only,  you can
unsubscribe from either the e-mail or the URL, or both, without following
the burdensome HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE instructions below.  Just hit
your reply button and fill in this form (or copy, paste, fill in and send,  you
know the routine,  if you're reading this on line):

__  just send me the full e-mail, please
__  just send me the URL, please
__  send me both, please! *
__  send me neither and none of the above

                                                                                              – Editor

* This one goes without saying, of course; but some people just like to
    say.  Just sayin'. . . .

Apps not yet available, suggested by Wired magazine:

"Find  My  Earring"  would use your phone's magnetic sensors to scan the
floor of a bar and other places uncomfortable for your eyes and fingers.

"That's  My  Baby"  would use a frequency algorithm to recognize your ba-
by's cry when more than one family's babies are sleeping in the same home.

"Fetal  Fro"  would show you what your unborn child would look like with
an Afro.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
                                                                                                            – Oscar Levant

"People coming across the southern border live in hellholes.  They don’t like that.
 They want to come here.  The problem is, we can’t have everybody in the world
 who lives in a hellhole coming to America."
                                                                               – Senator Lindsey Graham

A 2nd-grader in Anderson, sent to an empty room for "acting out,"
woke up hours after school closed, locked in all alone, but had the
good sense to call 911 for help.
                                                                            [courtesy WRTV]

A 23-year-old man was cited for shooting a 42-inch muskie with a
bow and arrow in Elkhart (a carp, a sucker, a carp, a gar, a bowfin,
a shad or a buffalo fish woulda been legal).

                                                                    [courtesy Elkhart Truth]

A waitress at a Steak 'n' Shake in Indianapolis got a $446 tip on a $5-
.97 bill.
                                                                                    [courtesy NBC]

Quadruple slaying in Waynesville meth-related, sheriff says (you can sorta tell by the faces, you know? Courier-Journal)

Kentucky's own Mitch McConnell engineered a bill through the U.S.
Senate to prohibit the Army Corps of Engineers from enforcing reg-
ulations prohibiting fishing near dams on the Cumberland River. . . .

A "golden alert" was issued for an 81-year-old driver from Missouri
reported lost between Lexington and Winchester  as he and his wife
were driving in separate vehicles to their new home in Maryland (he
was later found in Virginia). . . .

A Lexington restaurant had to close because it ran out of food. . . .

Tipped off by 57 whipped cream cans in the garbage, the manager of
a supermarket in Mount Washington found a customer in the  ceiling
who had stayed overnight, treating himself to six steaks and a dessert
of shrimp and birthday cake. . . .

Eithne Patricia Ní Bhraonáin ("Enya"), 52
Stevland Hardaway Morris ("Little Stevie Wonder"), 63
K. T. Oslin, 71
Patrice Munsel, 88
Pol Pot (May 19, 1925 - April 15, 1998)
Ho Chi Minh (May 19, 1890 - Sept. 2, 1969)

A 5' 1", 31-year-old woman waited outside the Sacramen-
to County Jail in California to slap the first deputy sheriff to
come along,  to get thrown in jail in an effort  to  quit  smo-
king (she got 63 days). . . . A 64-year-old man in Roselle,
Illinois, was charged with sexual abuse of his pet peacock,
Phyl. . . . Disney filed, then withdrew, a trademark applica-
tion for the phrase "Dia de los Muertos" (Day of the Dead).
. . . Malcolm X' grandson Malcolm Shabazz, 28,  was kill-
ed in a bar fight in Mexico City. . . . An actor wearing body
armor and carrying a rifle walked into a theater in Jefferson
City, Missouri, in a promotion of the movie Iron Man.  . . .
A 19-year-old seamstress was pulled alive from 17 days in
the collapsed factory in Bangladesh. . . .The American Ger-
bil Society held its annual pageant  in  Bedford,  Massachu-
setts.  . . . The Post Office suspended delivery to a subdivi-
sion slowly sinking into the earth in Lake County, California
(but please support the Post Office! A petition to save the
Post Office, initiated by Congressman Peter DeFazio of O-
regon,  expired for failing to meet the signature threshold on
the We the People site).  . . .  A cop stuck in a tree trying to
rescue a cat  was  rescued  by  a  fireman  in Queens,  New
York. . . . A woman running for mayor of North Miami, Flo-
rida, claimed an endorsement from Jesus. . . .A woman was
arrested in Kings Mountain,  North Carolina,  for  thumping
another woman with a Bible. .  .  .  A rich Chinaman hired 4
men wielding sledgehammers to bust up his $420,000 Mas-
erati automobile in protest of the dealer's service.  .  .  . The
city of Keene, New Hampshire, sued 6 local "Robin Hoods"
to keep them away from expired parking meters. . . . An or-
ganization called Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in A-
merica complained about Britney Spears' letting her 6-year-
old son point a gun at people at a hotel in California. . . .  A
34-year-old man woke up at his wake in Zimbabwe.

Schools in Windham,  New Hampshire,  banned dodge ball because it makes
players human targets and renders poorer players inactive as they are elimina-
ted from the game. . . .

A fishing contest in New Hampshire used a lie detector to judge the winner. . . .

Poppy Perssik   Bogor, Indonesia   Friends with YEni Chocovanilla TheSweetest Croft

Keystone Sporting Arms has taken down its link to Crickett
and Chipmunk "my first rifle" for children but I found a better
link featuring the Keystone Sporting Arms  "my  first  rifle"  I
think your readers will enjoy.

Thanks.  The Keystone Sporting Arms page we linked to was still up
less than an hour before we transmitted last week.  – Ed.

Lexington's most wanted: Candina Isaacs, WF, 37, 5'3", 125 lbs, Kristie Tipton, WF, 5' 3", 36, 100 lbs, Amy Beard, WF, 35, 5'3", 130 lbs, Willard Wilson, WM, 49, 6'2", 175 lbs (Herald-Leader) 

Four Hendricks County schools' track coaches were suspended for
disciplining pupils by making them "bear crawl" on palms and knees
for up to a mile. . . .

A streaker led police on a chase across the Indiana Statehouse lawn
and through downtown streets and buildings in Indianapolis. . . .

Kokou Kekessi, 40,  was arrested for preaching naked to passersby
outside the Lynhurst Baptist Church at 8:40 in the morning on a Satur-
day.
                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Lisa Shuler, 31,  of New Albany, Indiana,  was arrested for shooting
a Louisville man to death out of fear he would send her husband sex
photos of the two together.
                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Bury the garbage in the landfill."

                                        – protest sign outside Graham, Putnam & Mahoney Funeral Par-
                                           lors in Worcester, Massachusetts, where the body of Tamerlan
                                           Tsarnaev lay pending his family's locating a site for burial

"We're trying to exercise some character here."

                                                                    – Peter A. Stefan, owner of the funeral home

"The alternative is that Syria heads closer to an abyss, if not over the abyss and into chaos."

                                                                                                                            – John Kerry

"I'm talking about gently whispering the gospel."
                                                                                – Coast Guard Rear Adm. William D. Lee

"Unfortunately for us, we have to follow the law."
                                                                            – retired police officer and lecturer Ally Jacobs

"I just eat whatever I want and hope everything come out all right."

                                                                   – Willie Mays, on the Tonight show, circa 1957

Handcuffs  have been developed that work like an electric virtual
dog fence, shocking the detainee if he breaches a prescribed limit.

John Wilkes Booth (May 10, 1838 - April 26, 1865, age 26)
Mark David Chapman (May 10, 1955), 58
Billy Swan, 71
Sonny Curtis, 76
Willie Mays, 82

Erin James, 58, was arrested for DUI in suburban Chica-
go, Illinois, after celebrating the end of her driver's license
suspension from a previous DUI. . . .The Onion's Twitter
account was hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army.  . . .
A British business man was convicted and sentenced  for
defrauding Iraqi security forces of $85 million  in the sale
of fake explosives detectors modeled on novelty golf ball
finders. . . .Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a bill re-
quiring officials to resell rather than destroy  firearms  col-
lected in gun buyback initiatives. . . .  New  Zealand  pro-
hibited naming babies  Lucifer  and  Anal. . . . The Penta-
gon prohibited proselytism but not evangelism.

            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

 

Kentucky Derby hats

[photos from Lexington Herald-Leader, Louisville Courier-Journal]

 

J. Ewing wrote Sun 4/28/13 @21:07 EDT:

It's probably the softball hotties that are getting you censored.

Ted Fiskevold wrote Weds May Day 2013 @13:47 MDT:

I don't see any redundancies in this attempt to keep people out,
but I would not trust passing on the bridge. This sign is visible as
one approaches Poplar, Montana, traveling west on Highway 2.
The Poplar River winds its way down from Saskatchewan  and
empties into the Missouri River a few miles south of Poplar.

Poplar River No Trust Pass Keep Out (TedF photos)

Yes, well, we agree that there is nothing redundant in this sign;  but we are reading
the sign slightly differently than you are.  We think "No Trust" may be the name of
the pass through which the Poplar River flows;  and  we  are  inclined  to view the
"Keep Out" not as prohibitory,  but as a warning that the river may be polluted (it
can't be trusted).
                                                                                                              – Editor

Evansville was ranked 182nd among 189 U.S. cities
in the Gallup Healthways Well-Being Index. . . .

Indiana joined about half the other states with a new
rule allowing  home-schooled  students  to join their
public schools' athletic teams.

                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

A 32-year-old middle school math teacher in Plain-
field,  charged with child molestation and fired, said
he kissed a 13-year-old student in class and that he
and she felt as if there were "the same person"  (the
girl said the same thing).
                                        [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

An ambulance taking a patient home from the hospital
crashed on I-64 in Bath County, and she was taken to
another hospital in another ambulance. . . .



                                                                                        [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Nequisia Gallman, BF, 32, 5'6", 175 lbs, Bonita Stinnett, WF, 34, 5'4", 115 lbs, Herald-Leader

Purses longer than 12 inches in any dimension were,
in fact,  prohibited at the Kentucky Derby – but not
large hats  (and all large purses were searched). . . .

A 5-year-old boy in Cumberland County killed his 2-
year-old sister with a single-shot "Crickett" rifle not 3
feet long presented on Keystone Sporting Arms' web
site as "my first rifle,"  that the boy had received as a
birthday gift last November.

                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"When it's so good that it can't get any better, Lisa and Lars have an orgasm."

                                                            – a sex education book for first-graders in Germany

"Well, I don't think it is really serious – it's an accident."

                    – Bangladesh finance minister Abul Maal Abdul Muhith, just hours after the
                       500th body was recovered from the collapsed factory building in Savar

"I literally panicked.  I said all kinds of crazy things.  I told them I was pregnant.
 I'm not pregnant."
                                                     – Reese Witherspoon, re her recent arrest

"Who was that, that was singing on 'I'll Never Fall in Love Again'? . . .
 Oh, my God, what a voice!"
                                                  – Burt Bacharach, listening to the Carpenters on NPR

A father of six in Idaho Falls, Idaho, developed "smart pajamas"
that, when scanned by a "smart phone,"  take the little wearer to
a particular story.

God Shammgod, 37
Uma Thurman, 43
Pia Zadora, 59
Stella Parton, 64
Lesley Gore, 67
Ron Popeil, 78
Frankie Valli, 79
Willie Nelson, 80
Ann B. Davis, 87

James Hugh Loden ("Sonny James"), 84
Johnny Horton (1925-1960)

A volunteer cleaning graffiti off the Truxel Road sign on an
interstate highway overpass in Sacramento, California, fell
to the pavement below and was run over and killed.  .  .  .
Two  women  gave  birth  in  the rubble of the factory that
collapsed in Bangladesh. ... The National Aeronautics and
Space Administration  web  site  crashed from the number
of users seeking the image of rover tracks on Marts resem-
bling a penis. . . .Modeling agencies were scouting anorex-
ic babes at an eating disorder clinic in Stockholm, Sweden.
. . . A high school in Stockholm established a "gender neu-
tral" locker room. . . . An Australian crocodile let go of the
head of a swimmer after being repeatedly  punched  by his
prey.  .  .  .  A woman scheduled for a colonoscopy in two
days  accidentally swallowed a diamond  at a charity event
in Tampa, Florida (guess how and when they recovered the
diamond).  .  .  . Three Europeans were set upon by scores
of Sherpas wielding fists, feet and stones on Mount Everest.
.  .  .  An anticapitalist parade turned violent on May Day in
Seattle,Washington. . . . Check out the Amanda Knox book
list (14 titles available).
                    

Ziggy hears on radio, "A government study released today revealed that taxpayers don't mind paying for government studies!"

Martina McBride gave a more dignified rendition of
the  National  Anthem  at the Kentucky Derby than
anyone  else  at a major sporting event in recent his-
tory until she hammed it up on the very  last  note(s)
(did you know that "brave" is a four-syllable word?).
_{. . .}

Competitors at the Kentucky Derby Festival bikini and body-building championships in Louisville: Gary Muncy, Phillip Palmer and Maggie Gould (left to right) Courier-Journal photos

Iendthan't Plukhuthugh  Smpn 2 pandaan(spenda)  Friends with YEni Chocovanilla TheSweetest Croft  Add Friend