(last updated 2003-03-12)
NNNNNN
"I am a woman, and someday I will have sex again." -Haywood
BLAINE (a friend of Sum) on using his name like Smurf-speak:
"Eventually, it replaced all the words: nouns, verbs, pronouns, and suddenly I realized I was a Pokemon."
"It's one thing to hang out with people like Nurge and Ryan; it's completely another to hang out with a chickenfucker." - Sum
“It feels like my head’s melting…it IS!!!” –NRJ
“Even monkey’s can use tools.” –NRJ
“I can’t even read right now!” –Tum
“I’m all squished!” –NRJ
NRJ: I feel like a banana (mumble)…
HAYWOOD: A What?
TUM: I don’t think he even knows right now.
“No, ‘cuz theres only one forky-spoony thing!” –Haywood
“I can’t see the end; I don’t know what it is!” –Haywood
“I was tryin’ to breathe while I had it in my mouth and I was just gulpin’.” –Tum
*thud* Ooooooowwwwww….. –Jesse
“(singing) Banana slugs are out in force,
They make a tasty meal of course.” –NRJ
“Hands are weird.” –NRJ
“It’s somebody’s foot…oh, it’s mine.” –NRJ
“Cheese-filled toes, man…cheese-filled toes.” –Tum
“I wasn’t really hungry for human, I wanted an omelette!” –Haywood
“Fuckin’ gravity.” –NRJ
“Change the song, I’m going into a coma!” –NRJ
TUM: What’re you doing?
NRJ: Trying to PASS OUT.
“There’s a series of checks and balances that I have to go through in my brain before I can make a decision…it’s like the fuckin’ Executive Board inside my head.” –NRJ
“Don’t mind me, I’m entertaining myself.” –Haywood
“Pot on the cleavage, seeds on the face.” –Thomas
“I’m not gonna jump that far!!!” –Tum
“I don’t like your fuckin’ oven.” –Tum
“That’s right, officer—I don’t have squinty eyes, I just have two lazy eyes.” -Thomas
"My throat's gonna be the texture of a potato...like before you peel it...and kids'll call me 'Potato Throat'." -Nurge
"I think I need to get stoneder." -Jeremy
"There it is." -Stu
"NURGE: It's an asscan!
STU: Don't say that about [Heywood]."
"I love it when I discover that I have pockets I didn't know about." -Nurge
NURGE: I don't have 'Goto' painted on my forehead.
TUM: Yeah, but you got 'Justin Timberlake' painted on your ass."
"Whoa, mail!.......Whoooooaaaa...." -Nurge
"TUM: Did i mess up?
NURGE: No.
TUM: ...Did I have to get my fingers chopped off?"
"It's my sweet lil' fire bitch." -Nurge
"I got my trusty bitch...no. I got my trusty.........Bic. Yeah." -Tum
"You fuckin blow, you know?" -Tum
"It looks like a lil' old guy with fire for feet and he's jumpin'." -Nurge
"Oh no, that's impossible---try it." -Nurge
"TUM: I think my brain just exploded!
HAYWOOD: ...Which brain?"
"Alright, I'm done now..." -Tum
"She taught me to pole dance with the bunk bed." -Haywood
"Sugar-fat, sugar-fat, sugar-fat...." -Tum
"You can't leave over peas! That would be stupid." -Thomas
"This is like a little turtle orgy." -Tum
"Just remember, if you see a little dog run up to you, kick it." -Thomas
"Somebody help me up, this things sucking on my ass!!!" -Nurge
"Why are we talking about my vomit?" -Nurge
"I feel like my body's full of pudding." -Tum
"Oh Look! A hanger!" -Nurge
"TUM: I don't remember what I said.
NURGE: ...Me either!!!"
"So I'm a twitchy, crabby, smoking monkey?" -Nurge
"But I can see myself over there, looking at the wall--but that's not where I was sitting." -Nurge
"Hands Ablazen--That's what they should call this movie...if it was a movie." -Nurge
"Don't break Godzilla with your Iron Fist." -Nurge
"I really can't tell how hard I'm squeezing it!!!" -Tum
"NURGE: She's got a demon in her shoe!
TUM: ...that sucks."
"HAYWOOD: They have small, sharp, pointy objects and they stick 'em in my mouth!
NURGE: So does Regis Philbman."
"You know, if I had more organization, I bet I'd be a lot smarter." -Tum
"The wonderful thing about tiggerettes, is tiggerettes are wonderful things. Their tops are made of tobacco, their bottoms are made out of...things." -Nurge
"NURGE: Bong water?
HAYWOOD: No, I just drooled on myself. That's all."
"Move me, Tim, move me!" -Nurge
"Godzilla, where are you???" -Nurge
"I coughed on Tim's head." -Nurge
"TUM: You can't mess with a stoned person, okay?
NURGE: I'm not messing with them. I'm bombarding them with gifts."
"I'm like Ducky from fuckin' Land Before Time...'Yep yep yep!'...Fuckin' things." -Nurge
"NURGE: What're you thinking?
HAYWOOD: Deep Tum thoughts we couldn't possibly comprehend.
TUM: Ex-actly. You can't fathom what's going on up here."
"It's like an enveloping womb of safety." -Nurge
"Let's call first so I don't have any shiny distractions." -Nurge
"Like a snowball you throw down the hill so nobody can catch it." -Nurge
"No, I don't have a rash...dammit." -Tum
"I haven't drooled on myself...yet?" -Nurge
"I punish my flesh knob in this house." -Nurge
"'Tenderize our meat totems'--that's goin' up." -Goto
"But you don't have a small dick." -Courtney
"No, I'm not a lush because I'm not fucking you." -Courtney
“I’m a happy kind of stupid.” –Nurge
“ ‘John, why do you have shot glasses?’ Oh you know, I like to look through ‘em and pretend I'm a bug.” -Nurge
“I bet if I get the hot potato, I'll beat someone with it.” -Tum
“I'm like the booze disposal unit.” -Tum
“I wrote my name on it, so don't smoke it, ‘cuz I'll know.” -Tum
“Tape it, tape it so hard...” -Tum
“HEATHER: You think its okay to smoke that?
TUM: No, but I'll like it.”
“Too much rum equals a bad Tum.” -Tum
“The taco flow has been siphoned off.” -Nurge
“Big money, no whammies!” -Nurge
"I just made up a little jingle. I'm intelligent." -Nurge
"This weed is like, 'smoke me, smoke me', and I'm like, 'Yeah, alright'." -Nurge
"I'm like an excellent lyricist as well as a songwriter." -Nurge
“I’ve been trying to get that comment out for a while. But all I could think was ‘pretty pink flower on the couch’.” –Tum
"Dude, I could shit out a golden calf." -Nurge
"I like the wooden fish. Can I hold the wooden fish?" -Nurge
"I fucking hate nuns...Do you have a rubber band?" -Nurge
"Fuck you cat, come 'ere!!!" -Nurge
"I think I tripped on the cat...and I think I kicked it." -Nurge
HEYWOOD: You call me Festerball!
NURGE: My name is Nurge! It sounds like a bodily function!
"I'm drunk! It's a joke!" -Dave (one of those "you had to be there" things...)
“I don’t wanna get whacked and smacked; I want a massage!” -Chomper
“Hey that’s near where you got attacked by a praying mantis.” –Bammich
“I love to eat…shit.” –Trav
“Oh, did it go boo-bye?” –Chomper
“It’s a jungle bus!” –Heywood
“I have a Mario Party injury.” –Nurge
“At least I’m not an eighties-dressed poofy-haired bitch.” –Ashleigh
“Smelling this weed is like watching a porno.” –Nurge
“Darn you, you darn darn bra.” –Nurge
“Who let the balls out…” -Tum
“No, my bra did not do that to your pants.” –Heywood
“That was like confucious inside of me talking towards my soul.” –Nurge
“Be a friend Tim; let me light you on fire.” –Nurge
“What are you doing with that—teaching it to read?” –Nurge
“And my head’s gonna go up in flames, and that’s gonna suck.” –Tum
“You’re supposed to wash your ass before you wash your face.” –Nurge
"
“*matter of factly* …I ate a baby once.” –Nurge
“My eyes are out of focus. Tim, I’m looking at my cigarette and all I’m seeing is my lap.” -Nurge
“Goddam motherfucking titanic—I can’t believe it went down.” -Nurge
“Its like a doughnut of infrovision in this section and it motherfuckin’ sucks.” –Nurge
“Tim, help me; I’m killing myself!” –Nurge
“I can get it in my mouth, I just don’t wanna get it stuck.” –Tum
“No, I can get it in my mouth, I just don’t wanna jam it down the…(as he realizes what he’s just said)...okay.” –Tum
“This isn’t mine anymore. You gave it a fucking tougue bath.” –Nurge
“Cuz I was moving like a fuckin’ mongoose.” –Nurge
“Coma bad….bad coma.” -Nurge
“I’m not gonna finish this sentence; I’m fucked.” –Nurge
“If I don’t eat a burrito, I’m gonna eat a baby, and I think we’re fresh out of baby.” –Nurge
“God dammit, I have a quiz right now but I really wanna be drunk.” -Chomper
“I’m the Dorkus Maximus." –Steve
“He’s like a big hamster. He needs a wheel.” –Heywood (30 points to anyone who knows whom Heywood was referring to.)
“Down on penises! No more penises!” –Nadz
“Ya fuckin’ rotate-master!” –Tum
“Hey Ryan, wake up.” –Everybody
"It's kinda like a wattle." -Chomper
"You've got that whole skinny chin thing going for ya." -Tum
“CHOMPER: It kinda sucks having your fingers messed up. It makes it hard to do certain things.
HEYWOOD: Like…typing?”
"I can type 90 words a minute." -Tum (You have to understand the above quote in order to find the humor in this.)
“I’m as sober as a newborn baby on a Tuesday.” –Nurge
“NURGE: Jablomy….is that Hungarian? Maybe Polish.
TUM: No, I think it’s Swedish.”
“Libido this.” –Tum
“Baby in a bucket--yeah, it’d be funny if somebody ordered a twelve piece and they got a baby.” -Nurge
"I'm making the cat talk..only her words are coming out of my mouth." -Heywood
"I'm not giving you anything. Put your pants back on." -The Nurge
"Yeah, we're squishers." -Heywood
"It's transfixing." -Tum
"Big fishy smoke...yeah, lets NOT do that." -The Nurge
"Hey Giggles, ya fuckin' chucklemonkey bitch." -The Nurge
"Yeah, please take pictures of me and illegal psychotropic substances." -Heywood
"No, you are not monkeyfucking all of those cigarettes!" -The Nurge
"We'd be weed whores!" -The Nurge
"We'd drive around in a van with our number on the side and says, 'Call us for a good time'." -Tum
"I jumped on a bush....no, like a green one....I jumped on a shubbery and hurt myself on the stump...I scraped my ass on some wood..." -The Nurge
"We could carry around a pet snake named Smokabol." -Tum
"I'm the most reclining motherfucker around." -Tum
"It's like you're emerging from underneath a burrow." -The Nurge
"They're like beaver-ducks." -The Nurge
"That's the most pathetic hand puppet I've ever seen." -Tum
"STEVE: Yeah, but I went down in style.
NURGE: Yeah...butt first."
"My mom is not a borg, you take that back!" - The Nurge
"I'm sorry, I just keep seeing me laying on that couch and this African woman coming in with an ass as wide as I am tall coming in and sitting on me." -Heywood
"Well, I guess it's better than waving a flaming paper towel around in the kitchen." -Chomper
"It's like a freaky, little bleached wookiee." -Steve
"HEYWOOD: Do you want me to do it?
TUM: Are you that fucking whipped?"
HEYWOOD: No.
TUM: Then do what you want to do."
"I'm supposed to tell you that you can throw spaghetti at the wall to see if it's done, but it doesn't work with a live fish." -Heywood
"I don't think quasi-agnostics can give birth to baby bears." -Sum
"CHOMPER: What's the difference between a largemouth bass and a
smallmouth bass?
HEYWOOD: Um, the size of the...mouth?"
"I say fuck the whales, give me beef and screw the children." -Steve
"I'm not scared of the nachos, bitch." -Tum
"Vroom...vroooommmmm...." -Chomper and Heywood
"TUM: Anybody else what a sip?
HEYWOOD: No, we bought it for you.
TUM: Man, they keeping treating me like this, and I may have to cross over to
their side.
HEYWOOD: Short of a sex change, I don't think that's entirely possible.
TUM: I could be a spy, you know? 'Here's what MASH is doing today...'
HEYWOOD: Uh, sitting around, drinking beer and watching cartoons?
TUM: Ex-actly."
"It's a good thing my hands and feet know what they're doing, 'cuz I sure as hell don't." -The Nurge
"Put the gas cap back on your brain, I think you're leaking." -Heywood
"I have a real problem using a machine where soda comes out of a man's crotch." -Chomper
"Having sex impairs your ability to be a virgin." -Carol
"God made me do it...he's my out." -Tum
"I'm poor, and uneducated, but by God, I have a great stereo." -Steve
"Catholic-basher!!!" -Tum
"STEVE: Why did God make women?
TUM: Who else would we get to make us sandwiches?"
"HEYWOOD: That InfoStation was making noises at us.
CHOMPER: Maybe it wants to be played with.
HEYWOOD: Yeah, Tim does that sometimes. 'How can you tell if your man want to
be played with?'
CHOMPER: 'When he starts humming!!!' "
"HEYWOOD: What kind of man locks his wife in with a monkey?
MANWHORE: A smart one."
"I'm not whipped, I'm....mildly encumbered." -Tum
"I feel like we've known you guys forever, I mean, maybe it's because I'm stoned, or because you're so hard to put up with." -The Nurge
"Fuckin’ weasel." –The Nurge
"It's fun to hug your knee!" –The Nurge
"Dude, they’re talkin’ Hebrew!" –Tum
"Tasty-fine catfish…" –Chomper
"Bobbi loves sandwich mayors." –Tim and The Nurge
"I once had a dog named Floofy, but then he went in the back yard while dad was mowing the lawn, and now he’s not so floofy anymore." -Chomper
"I got mine in my head." –Nurge
"Forkplay!" –Chomper
"Don’t name your kid TC. I had a fish named TC and it died." –Heywood
"I’m a pecker." –Nurge
"It was a goldfish hate crime." –Heywood
"Dumb bitch, you ate your husband." –The Nurge
"I once had a gerbil. His name was Peter and dad really liked him. Then one day I came home from school, and dad said he crawled up a hole and didn’t come back." –Chomper
"The freaks just scare me." -Tum
"Hey, I have no ass!" – The Nurge
"I’m looking for my fork. I can’t find my fork. Is that my fork? Yes, that’s my fork." – The Nurge
"All hail the breadstick." –The Nurge
"I need pot and an advil." -Chomper
"Oh shit, it’s an albatross." –The Nurge
"Jelly was the best." –Tum