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Often we hear wives say three things when asked how crossdressing impacts them:

• Shock at their husband’s dishonesty about something so intimate
• Feeling of being left out or in competition with their husband’s other side (the female side)
• Questioning their own sexual attraction to others

Most of what has been written about crossdressing is from the male point of view. Talamini interviewed 50 wives of crossdressers. They reported that 60% were not informed about crossdressing before marriage. Most men were afraid to tell about their crossdressing prior to marriage because they believed that it might scare their intended away. Many men said they thought getting married would cure their crossdressing, so there was no need to tell about it.

Women can feel very hurt and betrayed. "If you can’t tell me this, what else is there?" We do keep some secrets from our spouses, but many of these aren’t quite so important. A committed relationship implies we can tell all, and are able to talk about everything. But this ideal may not be true. Holding back, however, seen as particularly hurtful.

Prince and Bentlee interviewed 504 crossdressers; 78% were or had been married, 74% had children, and 20% were previously divorced. Twenty percent of the crossdressers thought their wives did not know about their crossdressing, and 27% didn’t tell their wife before the marriage. From the male point of view, 20% thought their wives accepted, 20% were antagonistic, and 60% were somewhere in between. Crossdressers seeking therapy often do so because wives are distressed.

Weinberg interviewed 70 wives. He said that the earlier the wife knew the more positive was her attitude. The most common fear of wives is that others will find out. Of those interviewed 30% feared their husbands were homosexual. This is a very common concern. Also 22% felt they had failed as women—that they were not pretty enough, not a good wife, etc. And 18% thought their husbands were mentally ill. Crossdressing is often classed as mental illness, and this does stigmatize it. The most common reaction of women is to seek more information. The second most common reaction is to seek someone else to talk to about it.

Crossdressing can be obsessive, leaving the wife feeling shut out. She feels crossdressing has become more important to her husband than she is. She feels in competition with him for who looks better, who has the better clothes. "He spends more than I do on clothes, and he has nicer things." Women wonder whether clothing is his only expression of femininity. Why don’t their crossdressing husbands embrace other things like housekeeping, child-care, and cleaning the bathrooms. To be fair, women in large percentage, see a nicer more sensitive side of the male when he is crossdressed. However, the reality is that people who were socialized as males have difficulty expressing the softer side of their personalities. Wives often complain "He no longer loves me, he loves himself".

When crossdressing enters the marriage, women feel the sexual attraction equation has changed. Their image of partner and self might be altered. One study showed 43% of women reported having sex with their crossdressed husband, but all said they didn’t like it. This was a small study. In a different study 81% of the men said they didn’t dress in front of their wives. Tom Wise, psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins, found wives were not aroused by their husbands when the husbands are crossdressed. However, the majority of wives said they still enjoyed their sex life with their male husband when he was not crossdressed.

John Money, retired professor emeritus from Johns Hopkins, has proposed a theory of sexual attraction called lovemaps. He says that during our developmental process we get a mental picture of whom or what turns us on. This picture, or lovemap, is very individual, very locked in, and very resistant to ever changing. Given that information, we have a woman with her own lovemap who falls in love with a guy who is attractive to her, but eventually she finds out he crossdresses. This doesn’t fit in her lovemap, but she can’t change it any more than the husband can change his crossdressing.

Some wives say their feelings change for their spouse when he is crossdressed--sometimes positive, sometimes negative, or sometimes neutral. The bottom line may reflect the quality of the relationship before the crossdressing came out. To be sure, there may be some women who, because of their own makeup, find the phenomenon attractive.

Many studies show that a high percentage (two-thirds) of the women who remain in relationship eventually begin to be comfortable with going out with their husbands crossdressed. Roger Peo found wives who decided to stay said that the primary reason that they loved the person, and realized they couldn’t change him, they therefore decided to accept it. Wives who found some kind a support system did better with tolerating crossdressing than those who didn’t. This is very important to Tri-Ess. The wives need to be here to get the support they need.

When Prince and Bentler interviewed their 504 people, of those who divorced, 36% said they did so because of crossdressing. Viewed differently, 64% said crossdressing was not the reason for their divorce.

Some believe that wives of crossdressers have low self-esteem. Vern Bullough found that this is not necessarily the case. He found no more low self-esteem in wives of crossdressers than in wives overall. However, those with higher esteem did report greater marital happiness.

All of these studies may be flawed. Most of the research is done on the crossdresser, not the wife. Even when done on wives, the research doesn’t have access to those wives who left the relationship or otherwise would not respond to the research. What is more important than taking the research at face value is to analyze whether the research feels right to you. Ask yourself, "How does it relate to me? Does it ring true?"

Next month in Part III, Dr. Thomas engages in questions and answers with both wives and their crossdressing husbands.

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From the start, I have been determined to observe Jane Fairfax's admonition to avoid confrontation. My approach has been to understand and inform. In the final analysis, safe travel is by far the overriding concern. If the only way to achieve it is to cause all of us to do things that we would prefer not to do, then so be it. I for one will salute and toe the line. However, my concern is that people will use the need for better security practices as a license to inject their own prejudices, and it is my hope that my effort will contribute at least in a small measure to keeping this from happening.

First, I called five airlines, US Airways, Northwest, Southwest, American and United. Except for United and American, I was told that as long as the picture on my official ID matched my mode of dress I would have no problems. The ticket agent at US Airways even suggested that I go to the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles and get an ID while dressed en femme. On the other hand, both American and United were strictly in knee-jerk mode. American said that crossdressing would be considered concealment and not be permitted, and United said that if the ticket was made out to a male name, the bearer had better look like a male.

I shared my research with Jane Fairfax. Jane said that she is going to write the Department of Transportation and provide information on our behalf. She told me that she plans to provide background about crossdressers and point out the value of using the Tri-Ess Transgender ID with an official state ID to remove any doubt about identity. It would appear to be an ideal time for her to provide such input because the government is currently in the process of developing national airport security procedures. I for one am very pleased that our international director is doing this for all of us.

Next, I decided to check the feasibility of getting an ID from the Virginia DMV. I was aware that they had tightened their process for issuing IDs as a result of the bad publicity they received from relying on falsified documents to issue IDs to two of the hijackers. Nevertheless, I went to our local DMV office and applied for an official ID while dressed en femme. I immediately declared that I was a crossdressed male and asked for an ID containing my picture as presently dressed and bearing the same information as my driver's license. (Other CD's have done this successfully before September 11.)

My request was courteously processed, but when I went up to the counter after my name was called, my five dollars was returned and I was told the state would not issue me a state ID because my appearance was different from my natural state. So, I have just finished writing and posting a letter of protest to the Commissioner of the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles with copies to my state senator and member of the Virginia House of Delegates.

Certainly, it would have been much easier to do nothing more than complain about the current situation, but instead, I decided to do what I could. After all, nothing worthwhile can ever be accomplished without somebody doing something. Perhaps nothing will come of my efforts, but I at least have the satisfaction of knowing that at least I have tried to make a difference.

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Not too long ago, I was asked how I had achieved such a level of comfort in my relationship with Don/Lucy. In answer to this question I can only say respect, understanding, hard work, trust and lots of LOVE.

A few years ago I wrote an article, "One Wife's Perspective on Crossdressing," about my feelings on cross-dressing. Once those feelings were put on paper. I have been able to put them aside and not think about them again. So recently, when I was asked how I achieved my current level of comfort, I was able to look back without all of all the superficial feelings that previously got in the way. And I found that the fundamentals of our marriage is what has actually help me to achieve a comfort zone that works well for me as well as for Don.

In the beginning of our marriage when he first told me, I just didn't seem to mind except that I did not want him using my things. We had a baby and very little money so times were not easy. But we managed a few items for him, which slowly grew over the years, as did my wardrobe. He never put himself first in purchases, it has always been a joint decision on how much we could afford and how it was to be appropriated.

We have always lived by the Golden Rule as applied to our relationship, "Do unto your partner as you would have your partner do unto you." We had no one to ask or help us understand or deal with cross-dressing. For a long time, we thought, as a lot of couples have and still do, that we were the only ones with this problem. We spent hours and hours in discussion of cross-dressing. As we tried to understand, we sought information on our problem and found that little to none available. (Remember that this was over forty years ago.) As a result, our discussions were strictly on the personal side, concerning how we were going to deal with it. But never did I feel threatened by it. I don't know why, I just knew this was a major part of him, and I would just have to accept it. Was it easy? No.

There were, and once in a while still are times when I wish we did not have to deal with this. But then I think of all the other things people have to deal with, and I find this is not so bad. My worst times are when I am tired and/or hungry for then I am really cranky and negative. We have both come to understand this and have learned to work around it.

Five years ago, we discovered Tri-Ess and found there really are other people sharing the same secretive life style. It has been a wonderful experience, and because of our involvement with the national organization and two chapters, we have made some very good friends in the CD community. It is wonderful to be able to have the fear of discovery lifted and deal with other people with openness. We also have told a few friends, and they have been curious and asked a lot of questions. However, no one has changed in their relationship with us. In fact, I think it has strengthened our friendship because we were able to share our darkest secret with them, answer their questions honestly and find that each of them are true friends. I would not advise indiscriminately telling everyone, because that could lead to disaster because some people just really do not understand or refuse to try to do so.

I guess what it all boils down to is that we love each other and are and always will be there for each other. We each love, trust and respect each other and ourselves. We learned to rely on each other early as jobs moved us away from family and friends in the very beginning of our marriage, and we did not get back to our home community for several years. That was when we discovered the strength of our commitment to each other as pressures from each of our families tried to make our life more difficult. (I guess I need to say our parents did not like each other and tried to compete for our time and love. It made things much harder on us when we were living close to them.) But we had become a family unit and would not let anyone destroy it.

This seemed like such an easy question to answer, but I am finding that going back over the years to explain is not as easy as I thought. I just know that I have always loved Don. When I found out about Lucy, I discovered that there was no other person involved. It was still Don, just dressed differently. The love and respect he holds for me is still there and that has never wavered, nor has mine for him.

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Traveling to work one Monday morning I happened to hear an orchestral piece by Camille Saint-Saens entitled "Labors of Hercules--The Spinning Wheel." While an attractive piece of music, it was also quite evocative of one of Hercules' most unique labors--that of performing a woman's chores while dressed as a woman... obviously a 24/7 situation!.

This piece of music brought back memories from childhood when I first realized I had a fascination with "being dressed as a girl" and possibly "living as a girl." How well I remember the first time I encountered in one of my many trips to the public library the legend of Hercules and his labors and realized that one of my fondest fantasies was actually one of legendary nature! The mental images that were generated!

How lucky I thought Hercules was!

Fast forward some fifty years...now I realize that there were several layers of meaning to this legend. "Women's work" is definitely more encompassing than those of trying to master the intricacies of a spinning wheel...as Saint-Saens' musical piece evoked. "Women's Work" should indeed be capitalized. How often we, as crossdressers, become fascinated with the form of femininity (literally) rather than recognizing the substance of being of the feminine gender. The substance is essentially that which Society and Culture have placed on the Woman's agenda. What Woman today has the time to spend six or eight hours preparing for a trip out...doing nails, applying makeup, selecting outfits. etc.? How is She going to fit that time block into preparing meals, doing the necessary shopping, doing the washing and ironing, getting the "right" Christmas gift for everyone...not just you!, doing the budgeting (time and money), and on and on... These are the real labors and it is here that we perhaps need to focus.

Are you a "man in a dress" or do you actually believe that you are blessed with a situation where you are of a blended gender? Do you want to share as much as you can of what it means to be feminine in today's society or do you want to only enjoy the fruits of "Hercules' labors?" All gain and no pain?

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My earliest memory of dressing was six or seven years of age....poking through my mom's "stuff" and trying it on, etc. Because she was what people say now is "a full-figured gal", everything was really BIG.

But since perseverance is one of my traits, it didn't take long before I would find various articles of clothing..especially as I became a teen-ager and got a job so I could have my own money.

Of course, living with a single parent that was very conscientious about being a good parent, my mom knew about this. But I think she thought I would "grow out of it" much like it was a phase that I was going through on my way to adulthood. She was a professional seamstress and made a lot of her own dresses, etc. Once, she even made me a skirt and that was a highlight....of my life at that time.

Then came GIRLS....like any teenage boy...I wanted to impress the girls...so my clothing went away..purged, so to speak.

I graduated from high school in 1969, went to a (now defunct) one year business school and graduated from that in 1970. In 1971, I was offered a position with a company that was far (for a backwards country boy) from home (all of 45 miles). So, I packed up my first ever car and went to work. And, yes, I took my "clothes".

I am still with that company and have advanced to the position of Cost/Plant Accountant, which is a just a fancy title for the guy that does all the boring work that no one else in the accounting office wants to do. But it pays the bills and gives me a job that keeps me off the streets.

I got married in 1974 and divorced in 1979 (my son was one year old at the time)...and my wife never knew of my "dressing" for I had gone through another period of purging.

Geez, Sis...if I could have a dollar for ever dollar that I have spent on clothing....I would not be a wealthy "girl" but at least wealthier than I am now.

Am I wealthy? No....not in dollars but in being fairly well satisfied with my life..yes, I am wealthy.

And, yes, I have gone through the cycles of purging, buying, purging, buying, purging, buying....just like it seems all the others before me have done. I have gone through the anguish of "Being all dressed up with no where to go".

Finally, the Internet came into my life...and I started surfing.....and I found that there are other sisters like you and me.

AND I WAS NOT ALONE !!!

To finally realize that there are more like me....and going through the same cycles as me. It was like a breath of fresh air.

I contacted another sister (Bobbi's Bungalow..or something like that) and she directed me to several chapters in my area, one of which was CES. She gave me the name of Nicole, another sister whom was with CES at the time. I was subsequently interviewed by her.

Nicole has been a great blessing to me but for reasons of my own, I was never able to attend a meeting of CES and I was dropped from consideration, justifiably so...

So,,finally in desperation again, after a period of a year or so,,,I contacted Nicole again....and she and I have corresponded.

I looked up the website of CES and came across Rachel...who I used as a contact...and she and I have corresponded. She has, really, been of great help to me.

So, when I booked my son to go away for the September 22nd, the meeting was postponed to the 29th for reasons we all know....so I was dashed beyond belief. Then an opportunity came up for me to work that Saturday...so I used that as an excuse to send my son off for that day and evening...and off I went to CES.

And, I enjoyed it...finally, being "dressed up with SOMEPLACE TO GO !!" This was a real treat for me....A REAL TREAT.

And, believe me...I got there at at like 3:30 or 4:00p.m..and had no idea where to "dress" or if it wasn't drab night.....so I waited and waited.....wanting to "dress" but not sure....not sure...not sure....(you know the feeling). So, when Julie (? -- the flamboyantly dressed girl, no disrespect intended) arrived in drab, she assured me it was not "drab" night...I got dressed in my modest outfit of the evening. White pullover sweater and tank style dress with hosiery, etc and heels.

And, let me tell you...walking out of that dressing room that night....was scary as __bleep, bleep_.

But, it did not take long for the scary feeling to go away....I was made to feel very comfortable and ACCEPTED. There were no horrifying gasps...no giggles...no annoying comments like "look at the sissy man..".or "look, mom...there goes a queer". But a complete acceptance. And the first person to shake my hand was a REAL GIRL....Doneene. Marsha is one very lucky sister.

Wow, it is so good to be able to, finally, meet sisters and be accepted for the person I am. Yes, I have a lot to learn...but it is the fun part of learning to be able to do what I want to do.

Just think, BEING DRESSED UP WITH SOMEPLACE TO GO !!! W O W !!

So, thanks to CES, I can be more of what I want to be.