METAMORPHOSIS

The reason that I chose to name this page metamorphosis is because I feel that is what I have undergone.  Like a butterfly, my diagnosis and treatment caused me to go through stages that will alter my life forever.

Although I had been previously diagnosed with cancer, I must say that it was not as life altering as this experience has been.  Although it had it's impact on my life, I was not mentally, physically or spiritually as challenged.

I experienced many emotions during my treatment for breast cancer that I had not experienced during my treatment for Hodgkin's Disease.  Who's to say why.  That is one question to which I will never know the answer.  Suffice it to say that I look at the world through totally different eyes and I hope that it continues for the rest of my days.

I began this treatment as I did my other treatment, filled with a need to fight the battle.  I knew that I must fight to win.  I implore all other cancer patient's to do the same.  I have heard that attitude is 90% of recovery and I firmly believe that.

However, I will not lead you to believe that I did not have many moments of weakness.  I questioned why this had happened to me again, although I will never know the answer.  I became frustrated with the people around me, even those most close to me, as I felt that they could not possibly understand what I was going through.  I lashed out at them, simply because I felt that I was caught in a trap, with no one to free me.  Many of my friends simply could not handle the pain and frustration that I was experiencing and as they withdrew, I felt abandonment.  I am a talker, one of those people who must talk a problem out until I feel it is resolved.  The reality is, people
don't like to deal with unpleasantries in life and I soon found that there were
very few left to talk to.  Another reason for anger.  I am not saying that I did not have support, because that would be an untruth.  However, people move on with their lives and while you are in this process, you are in a void, with no way to extracate yourself from it.

I am still experiencing moments of frustration as I find that physically, I am no longer able to do the things that I once took for granted.  However, I choose to look at the glass as being half full rather than half empty.

I know that there will be residual physical problems that I will deal with for the remainder of my life, but mentally my status has changed for the better.
We are all given the gift of life by our maker and at times we take that for granted.  Once you have looked into the cold dark abyss, you lose the innocence of immortality and you begin to see the pleasures in life more than the everyday annoyances.

I am blessed with a loving husband, child, family and friends and generous employers.  I can say that I have not always been fair to them as I look back now, but what is done can not be undone.  I hope the fact that I am still here with them will be enough for them to overlook my flaws and except me for the new me I have become.

Each person will deal with these changes in their own way.  You may want to seek a support group or individual counseling, although these options were not the answer for me.

Finally, let me close by saying that the reason that I wrote these pages, was to educate or inform anyone that may be experiencing these same issues.  My email is on my index page, please feel free to write with questions of any nature and I will try to respond to the best of my ability.

A friend of mine once told me that I had been through enough to write a book.  My love of the internet, made me think that these would be good waters to test that idea in.  I could not possibly cover everything in these short pages, but my wish it to be of help to any who are seeking it.

Live long, live each day as it were you last and don't forget to take the time to stop and smell the roses along the way.