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okay... on dis payge i wuz gonna say how close each uv my relationships were. How much I love my family and friendz. How well I get along with each of them. That's not true anymore. This past weekend (13,14) haz been HELL! no joke. i neva wuda figured it... butt rite now... mah parentz r closer 2 a divorce den i cudda eva gessed. i seriously figured they were gonna have a "family discussion" wit me n my bro dis weekend. we gott luck e... butt not 4 long. my dad had hiz 1st job interview since da end uv skool today. I wuz tryin 2 b nice and ask him how it went... okay. just okay. nott a good okay even. more on the edge uv a badd okay. i think he figured this wud b the one. i hate the disappointment... the rejection after sumthin like this. he'z pushing 50. my mom can't support all 4 uv us by herself. he haz 2 b agressive and work hard. how can he do dat??? our home iz a hell hole. constant bitching, arguing, disagreeing... even worse is silence. there's dayz that go by, where me and my brother john are the only 2 that say a word. all responsibility iz left on me. so..... grade 10, highschool, loads of homework, have a social life, pressured to get an 80% average in academic courses, complete 40 hours uv community service than i'm aloud to get a job.... and now... taking care of my brother and i. if i want 2 wear clean clothes, i'm going 2 have 2 do the laundry.... if i want 2 eat, i have 2 cook supper. my parentz won't gett off their lazy asses to help me and my brother through daily life. its tuff enuff keeping my life in line... in order... happy. butt now i have 2 do it 4 my brother 2?!?! az the dayz go on, i find myself worrying more and more about my brother... how he manages... hiz thoughtz on life. my mom comez 2 me with all her problems... complaints. she tells me all the shit my dad does. my dad doesn't talk to me... i dont let him. i dont have any bond with him. i cant' relate 2 him at all... he annoys me... itz tuff. i wanna b daddy's little girl again... like it used 2 b... butt az the dayz go on, i find myself drifting farther and farther away from my father. my mom pulls me 2 her. gives me no choice. no opportunity. i'm just another object she can boss around... keep control of. it's nott a good feeling. i hate it... so i have to make decisions. i can't wait til i'm old enuff... brave enuff... strong enuff 2 supply for me and my brother, without their help. i dont call this a family. a family i dream uv... is how we used 2 b. loving... supportive... generous... thankful... hard-working... all that we're nott. i think it must b betta if they separate. no more arguing... free 2 b happy.... wanting 2 come home at nite... datz y i cried when i heard the song "wonderful" by everclear. ..... "i hope my mom and i hope my dad, will figure out why they get so mad, i hear them scream, i hear them fight, they say bad words that make me want to cry, i go to school and i run and play, i tell the kids that it's all okay, i laugh a lot so my friends won't know, when the bell rings i just dont wanna go home... i dont wanna meet your friend, and i dont wanna start over again... i dont kno how u can say with all the tearz in your eyez that everything iz wonderful now" describes me. describes my life. my family. well.... wutz left uv my family anywyz. i wanna go bak 2 how it used 2 b... peaceful... calming... funn.... a family. i love you john... keep strong... everything will be wonderful someday. and even if they turn their backs on us... and lett us down... i juss wanna lett u kno... i'll never turn my back and lett u down. i'm alwyz gonna b there 4 u. i luv u. alwyz will. now and forever more. xoxox- carolyn
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