Crap comes in many different forms. Battlefield Earth is in a category of its own. This so called "movie" (it deserves the title of "film" just as much as Keanu Reeves deserves the title of "actor") was released in Summer 2000. Many thought that the end of the world had occurred when they saw the hideous face of John Travolta cross the once silver screen (for some reason the silver transformed into a putrid green wherever Battlefield Earth was shown). Audiences watched in horror as half the movie was taken up by Travolta laughing like a deranged madman with a speech impediment. If all the spoken language of the human race is descended from shrieking chimpanzees then the laughter of Travolta is what Darwin would call taking an evolutionary step backwards. The millions of years of evolution, the toil of great minds such as Dante, Shakespeare, Akira Kurosawa, and Maya Angelou have been clawed out by the screeching of Travolta's vocal cords. His obnoxious laughter is as annoying as Jar Jar Binks, if not worse. I would put a wave file of it on but it has been marked unsafe for hearing by the Surgeon General and illegal in 23 states. I would suggest that you hear it for yourself but that would mean renting it and sending money to the fools who allowed the anti-Christ of movies to be born. Think of Travolta's laughter as being at the center of a nuclear explosion. It's much easier, not to mention saner, to read about it rather than experience it first hand. Therefore to save you the trouble of having to rent or buy this black mark on human evolution, the DAC Alliance has provided a synopsis so that you may have an idea of just how bad a movie can be.

The year is 3000 AD and the flying car has still not been invented. Instead, humans live like cavemen. It looks like one of those badly done National Geographic shows where they have underpaid actors portraying Cro-Magnons. Our hero is Jonnie Goodboy Tyler. Gotta love the creativity in names, I can only assume that they splurged money on scientology seminars and crappy special effects and didn't have enough in the budget for such simple things as names.

Against the wishes of a disgruntled old shaman, Goodboy decides to go off and fight the ancient monsters that forced the Humans to run away and hide in caves like the wusses they be. (Scientology Alert: The senile old guy is obviously a crappy symbol for how the old religions are superstitious and inferior to Scientology because Scientology has infomercials!). So Jonnie jumps onto his white stallion and rides off into the sunset.

It'd be nice if he was simply mauled by a bear and the movie ended, but no it just looks like the plot was mauled by a bear. Jonnie somehow screws up his directions. What'd you expect from a half wit caveman with a fake name who comes from a 1000 year old isolated village (inbreeding from Hell)? After drunkenly stumbling through a miniature golf course he winds up in Denver. They are no skyscrapers, they have been replaced by a frickin huge Greenhouse. I can best describe it as the Millennium Dome, only uglier (as if that was possible). Nonetheless, our hapless protagonist wanders into a mall and is caught by our villain Snidely Whiplash, scratch that, Terl (John Travolta). Terl is a 7 foot tall Psychlo (The race of freaks who invaded Earth, again with the creativity in names). He's also the leader of the Psychlo forces on Earth. Think of him as Colonel Klink from "Hogan's Heroes", only not as funny. Terl laughs a bit, and decides to have a little fun. What do you do with a petty human? (Pronounced Hoo-man!) Why you stick him in a machine that makes him more intelligent, of course! You make Jonnie smart to the point where he can take your weapons and kill you! I guess the Psychlos also suffer from inbreeding. While Trel is teaching Jonnie about the birds and the bees, he relaxes by shooting the legs off of cows. I'm not kidding, it's pretty sick how he laughs as he does it. (Scientology Alert: Cows are bad). After laughing for half an hour and saying "leverage" so many damn times that you have to restrain yourself from biting your own ears off, Terl formulates a plan in which he gets a bunch of human slaves to mine gold for him. Why the hell he wants gold is beyond me. Who cares? The people at Warner Brothers obviously didn't.

So, Terl packs some humans into a little hovercraft wannabe thingimajig and sends them off to mine gold. (Readers Note: Here's where the plot gets uglier than George W. Bush dancing with Ricky Martin) Instead of going to mine gold, Jonnie takes the hovercraft to Fort Knox where they just take the gold. You'd think the Psychlos would have done it already but they're too busy laughing manically and rambling about leverage. (Scientology Alert: BUrY tOURist BrOOKS!) Jonnie Goodboy then leads his band of rebels to an abandoned military base where they steal a bunch of jets and a Nuclear weapon. Somehow the primitive hoo-mans learn how to fly jets in no time and are able to attack the giant Greenhouse thing! We then have a nice air battle that looks like it was ripped from Independence Day. The battle is so full of chessy self sacrifice and super melodrama that you would not be surprised to see John Wayne pop out and rally the humans to charge the beachhead. Of course the humans are victorious in destroying the Greenhouse and raining shards of glass down onto helpless human slaves inside. Somewhere in the battle Terl finally gets off his laughing ass and fights Jonnie. Jonnie wins. Big whoop.

I know what you're going to say, "But wait! What about the Psychlo homeworld? The Psychlos could just invade again!". Well luckily for us the smart people over at Warner Brothers put lots of time and effort into this question. They knew that they had to create a believable conclusion to this stunning movie of epic proportions. The ending had to be something new and fantastic! So they decided on a radical way to end the script! Remember that Nuclear weapon that Jonnie stole from the military base while he was joyriding with his hoodlum friends? Well! Jonnie puts it in a transporter, sends it to Planet Psychlo and blows it up!... ... *sigh...As if we haven't seen that ending a hundred times before. Again the bastards went for the cheap overdone ending of blowing the damn thing up with one nuke. (Scientology Alert: L. Ron Hubbard is God!)

But, wait! There's more! Terl gets a fitting punishment when he is imprisoned in Fort Knox where he's surrounded by all the gold he could ever want! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaha ha ha ha heh heh... Wait just a damn minute... that's also been done before...... THE CHEAP BASTARDS!