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Narrator: At the start of the 28th biglongjapaneseword Martial arts competition there is much going on. The forces of good assemble. (Jerry Falwell, Bill Gates, Ralph Nader, Dan Quayle, and George Bush are talking. Off to the side Dubya is showing off to the crowd.) Dan Quayle: Well, we'd better start randomly talking about past events so that everyone knows what's going on, eh? Jerry Falwell: Shutup, Dan. DAN QUAYLE: I mean, remember when Ralph was PURE EVIL? Ain't it a hoot, bro? Ralph Nader: Shutup, Dan. DAN QUAYLE: Really now! That I think is -- George Bush: You do realize that you're only allowed to speak in order to make me look good, right? DAN QUAYLE: Umm... GEORGE BUSH: Do you see any reporters? DAN QUAYLE: Well, umm... No, bro. GEORGE BUSH: Then no talking. JERRY FALWELL: Yeah, or we'll have to get the muzzle again. (Pause.) DAN QUAYLE: It's a pity Pat Robertson was killed during the last series of episodes while fighting Cell, the evil android creating by splicing the DNA of Bill Gates, Karl Marx, and Satan. And then that zany Dubya took credit and... RALPH NADER: (Clears throat.) DAN QUAYLE: Well yeah, but -- JERRY FALWELL: You are trying my patience. GEORGE BUSH: Remember, Krillin. It isn't wise to offend the Televangelist-jin. (Suddenly, Pat Robertson appears. Over his head is a halo.) PAT ROBERTSON: Hey, look everyone! I'm back from the dead! JERRY FALWELL: Good. I may finally prove myself strongest. The Moral Majority will stomp all over you and your sorry little Christian Coalition. DAN QUAYLE: Is that thing a frisbee? PAT ROBERTSON: Isn't anyone going to ask me how I got back? RALPH NADER: No. (DAN QUAYLE grabs halo, wings it to Bill Gates.) PAT ROBERTSON: Well, you see -- (Bill Gates throws halo to Ralph Nader. Nader isn't paying attention and it cuts his arm off.) RALPH NADER: DAMMIT! PAT ROBERTSON: -- me and Jesus are like this, so -- (RALPH NADER grows another arm.) PAT ROBERTSON: -- he said I could come back for a day -- (RALPH NADER throws halo with great force at DAN QUAYLE.) PAT ROBERTSON: -- and smite some unbelievers. JERRY FALWELL: Say... Isn't this getting a little sacriligious? (DAN QUAYLE ducks. A shriek is heard behind him.) RALPH NADER: Hanging out with you guys sure has screwed up my career as a public advocate. GEORGE BUSH: Just beat up Quayle. That's what I do. PAT ROBERTSON: Jesus loves me. Aren't you listening? JERRY FALWELL: He loves me more. PAT ROBERTSON: I have better hair. JERRY FALWELL: You'll regret that one. I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL TELEVANGELIST-JIN! Suddenly, a mysterious figure walks by. Mysterious Figure: So you are. We may have need of your aid soon. JERRY FALWELL: Who are you? MF: All in good time. (Leaves.) RALPH NADER: His power is far greater than mine... Who could it ... No, it can't be! BILL GATES: Who is it? RALPH NADER: Mister Cheney. (All gasp in stunned silence.) PAT ROBERTSON: Something must be up. Editor's note: At this point, the TBN script enters a period of terminal lameness. GEORGE BUSH: Say, what's with those two? (Motions to two hulking figures on the side with no pupils and "M"s on their foreheads.) DAN QUAYLE: Why, it's Vladimir Putin and Jiang Zemin. Something seems odd. BILL GATES: How did you come up with useful information like that? GEORGE BUSH: It's best not to push him, Bill. He's liable to overload. DAN QUAYLE: POTATOE! POTATOE! POTATOE! RALPH NADER: Too late. Announcer: The fights will now begin. The first match will between Vladimir Putin and Elian Gonzalez. (The two square off. Putin still is hulking, pupilless, and with grey skin.) PAT ROBERTSON: Hmm... Something seems a little off... I can't place it though. (Putin smacks Elian accross the ring.) RALPH NADER: Neither can I (Putin smacks Elian back to the other side.) JERRY FALWELL: You do have a point, though. DAN QUAYLE : POTATOE! (Elian gets kicked across for a change.) PAT ROBERTSON: Say, isn't this an affront to our democracy? JERRY FALWELL: Give up. I still have better hair. PAT ROBERTSON: I mean, shouldn't we act indignant or something? JERRY FALWELL: I guess so. PAT ROBERTSON: Seems an awful lot of work, though. Can't we just condemn all Hindus to eternal hellfire or something? JERRY FALWELL: We did that while you were gone. PAT ROBERTSON: I suppose we could call the media Satanic. JERRY FALWELL: Too late. PAT ROBERTSON: Damn... Then it looks like we're going to have to do something. RALPH NADER: Don't worry. I've got an idea. (Walks over to BILL GATES.) Say, Bill. I hear the Russians are working closely with the justice department. BILL GATES: What! Those bastards! (Flies at Putin.) RALPH NADER: For every problem there's a solution. That's my motto. DAN QUAYLE: I thought it was "There's no real difference between B -- RALPH NADER: Didn't we already go over the issue of speaking priviledges? (In mid-air, BILL GATES stops. Through his tremendous power Mister Cheney has stopped him in his tracks. Seeing an oppurtunity Putin and Jiang attack BILL GATES and steal his energy with a special device. They then fly away.) JERRY FALWELL: So much for that plan. Should we revive him? PAT ROBERTSON: Well, since he isn't my son in this knock-off version and hasn't done anything useful... RALPH NADER: Yeah, let's let him die. That should assuage my leftist conscience a bit. JERRY FALWELL: But then that would mean we have to chase after those two. PAT ROBERTSON: Couldn't we just send out some folks with "God Hates Fags" signs? JERRY FALWELL: Bad news on that, too. PAT ROBERTSON: Is there anything you haven't done? JERRY FALWELL: No. MISTER CHENEY: Hurry up, you four! We must catch them! If our luck holds we'll get a missile shield out of this incidence. PAT ROBERTSON: You mean money? MISTER CHENEY: Well, that too. Let's go! (They prepare to fly off in pursuit when Dubya rushes up.) GWB: Take me along, too. GEORGE BUSH: You can't fly son. Remember? GWB: ... GEORGE BUSH: Now act important, okay. GWB: Potatoe. GEORGE BUSH: Dammit, I was the role model! Not Qualye! You ... (thinks better of it.) (Mister Cheney, Ralph Nader, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Dan Quayle fly off.) JERRY FALWELL: What is all of this? MISTER CHENEY: (while flying) We have lain a trap to catch a great evil. PAT ROBERTSON: Who? Jiang and Putin? MISTER CHENEY: No, they are mere pawns to a far greater power. PAT ROBERTSON: Who? MISTER CHENEY: The evil mage Al Gore. He is seeking to revive the mystical being of great power known by a name few dare speak. PAT ROBERTSON: Who? MISTER CHENEY: That isn't important. They will take us to Gore and we will destroy him. You see, the dreaded Al Gore charms those with evil in their hearts and forces them to serve him. We shouldn't have any problems if he hasn't enslaved any strong people. DAN QUAYLE: And that would never happen, due to Al Gore's lack of resonance with younger voters. RALPH NADER: No, thanks to me, potato-boy. To ME, dammit. ME! DAN QUAYLE: POTATOE. MISTER CHENEY: Great. You've got him going again. RALPH NADER: Sorry. (Finally, Jiang and Putin reach a secret place. Al Gore comes out to meet them.) MISTER CHENEY: There! Now we've got him! They'll never get enough energy to revive the evil spirit (Another two figures come out behind him.) MISTER CHENEY: Oh no! It's Satan, lord of darkness. I hadn't counted on Al Gore being able to enslave him as well. (Cut to down below.) AL GORE: Good work, Vladimir and Jiang. This energy should go a long way towards my goals of exacting revenge and reviving the creature my predecessor created. Putin: Thank you, sir. With the powers you have given us it was easy. AL GORE: You are no longer needed. Putin: What do you mean? AL GORE: Don't they have movies in Russia? Putin: Umm... AL GORE: Well, welcome to the good old US of A. (Kills them with snap of fingers.) (Pause) You don't think I'm a dork, do you Satan? Satan: Of course not, sir. (Cut to above, where the good guys are hiding.) Mister Cheney: Darn, they're going in. PAT ROBERTSON: Let's follow them. MISTER CHENEY: You don't stand a chance! JERRY FALWELL: I could kick Satan's ass anyday. MISTER CHENEY: That's preposterous! JERRY FALWELL: You haven't been listening to the liberal media, have you? RALPH NADER: Umm... Guys. Any idea as to why Satan has stayed outside and is staring up in our direction? MISTER CHENEY: Shit! STAY TUNED FOR SCENES FROM THE NEXT EPISODE OF DBZ: THE FORCES OF GOOD ARE SCREWED!
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