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Last time on DBZ for TBN ... oh, hell, just read the damn thing. Satan Flies up towards the cliff on which stand Ralph Nader, Mister Cheney, Dan Quayle, Pat Robertson, and Jerry Falwell. Mister Cheney: Umm... I guess this is were we improvise. Quayle: Potatoe Ralph Nader: I think we're screwed. Satan arrives at the top of the cliff. With one quick move he kills Kibit. Kibit: How come I wasn't mentioned up till now. Satan: It's a little late to complain, don't you think? Kibit Dies. Satan than spits at Ralph Nader and Dan Quayle. They begin to turn to stone. Satan than flies back down to where Al Gore went inside. He stands outside for a moment before going in. Ralph Nader: What the ... Mister Cheney: I probably should have told you about that. Quayle: About what? Mister Cheney: His spit turns you to ... Nader and Quayle are now stone. Mister Cheney: ... well, I guess it's a moot point now. Pat Robertson: Well, what do we do now? Jerry Falwell: Kick some Satanic ass. Let's go. They fly off. Mister Cheney is left alone. Mister Cheney: Damn these Televangelist-jin. I should be off drilling right now. Flies after them. All three go inside. They find themselves in an enormous room. Far down below, Satan and Al Gore observe them from a crystal ball. Al Gore: They've fallen for my trap! Get them, Satan. Satan: Why don't we send a few pathetically inept and overmatched underlings first? Al Gore: Why do we do that again? Satan: Union rules, I think. Al Gore: Bastards. So it is. Back up to where Cheney, Falwell, and Robertson are. A shadowy figure steps out. Shadowy Figure: You will never defeat me. Robertson: Gah. Shadowy figure dies. Mister Cheney is astounded. Satan: Well, that was quick. Who do we send next? Al Gore: How about Ted Kennedy. I never did like him. Satan: Good thinking. Kennedy steps out but is quickly obliterated. Al Gore: Enough of this. Send out Jeffords. Jeffords steps out. Mister Cheney: By God! It's the Senator! Jerry Falwell: The double crossing schmuck! Jeffords: Come over to the dark side, Jerry. Falwell: Why? Jeffords: Well, more TV time, for one thing. Falwell: I have plenty of that! Jeffords: No one watches the 700 Club, Jerry. Falwell: Yes they do! Jeffords: NBC, Jerry! CBS! ABC! TNN! Falwell: TNN? Are you serious! Jeffords nods solemnly. Mister Cheney: Fight the evil, Jerry! Fight it! Jeffords: Too late. Snickers. Suddenly, Falwell looks demonic. Or at least more so than usual. A script "M" appears on his forehead. (Yes, an M. "M" is the sign of evil. Don't ask why. You'll just get a mumbled response in Japanese. Majin something or an other. And yes, this is all technically one big stage direction.) Pat Robertson: NO! Mister Cheney: This is horrible! We have to stop him! Jerry Falwell: Now I can truly prove myself the strongest! I'll crush you! Jeffords: That's the spirit, Jerry. Now kill Mister Cheney. Falwell: Screw you. I've got TNN on my side. (Obliterates Jeffords with a blast of energy.) Down below. Al Gore: What? What's he doing? He's supposed to follow my orders! What kind of demonic possession is this? Satan: It's called a plot hole, sir. Al Gore: Very well. (Telepathically to Jerry Falwell.) Kill Robertson! Falwell: I'm on it, sir. Robertson: Who's he talking to? Cheney: He's got a telepathic link with Al Gore himself. Robertson: What's Gore saying? Cheney: Bad news for you. Robertson: Beg pardon? Falwell attacks Robertson. A fight ensues. Imagine a typical DBZ melee, only with dorky old white guys with bad hair doing the fighting. The bad hair, at least, is constant. Meanwhile, Al Gore and Satan are watching the action via the crystal ball. Satan: That'll teach Cheney to mess with you, eh boss? Al Gore: Damn straight, my homey. Satan: Al, never try to use slang again. You're scaring me. Al Gore: Aren't you jiggy wid it? Satan: This isn't how to go about broadening your demographic appeal, Al. Jerry Falwell continues to fight with Pat Robertson. Al Gore: Sighs. I wish Bill would give me pointers on that. Satan: He's too busy in India. Al Gore: What's he doing in India? Satan: He's found a place where everyone still loves him. All he has to do is wave. Al Gore: Bah. Let him have India. As for me, I'll just take over the world by reviving Tinky-Winky. Satan: What's wrong with me? Al Gore: Nothing. Satan: (Irritated.) I thought you said -- Is cut off be Gore before he can finish. Al Gore: Look! All the energy from the damage they are sustaining will soon revive Tinky Winky! Satan: Score. Back up top again. Falwell and Robertson continue to fight. Both are taking a lot of damage. Mister Cheney is worried. He decides to hurry down and confront Satan and Al Gore himself. Mister Cheney: Dammit! Why didn't we revive Bill Gates? This was his job. I'll never get to drill at this rate. I don't have much choice, though. Heads down. Al Gore notices Cheney's movement and telepathically orders Jerry Falwell to stop him. Jerry Falwell: Bite me. Al Gore: What! Pat Robertson: Such language! Jerry Falwell: I'm possessed, you moron. Pat Robertson: But then wouldn't you have to follow his orders? Falwell shrugs. They continue to fight. Cheney travels to Al Gore's secret hideout, which -- inexplicably -- is located right underneath the room. Cheney: This is it, Gore! Gore: Kill him, Satan! Satan: Can't I do something interesting, like drag him down to hell? Gore: No. Satan: Think of your image. Gore: Fine. Satan and Cheney begin to fight. Satan: Eternal hellfire attack! A blast of energy approaches Cheney. Cheney: Voting Machine attack! The blast is countered. Satan: Eternal hellfire times two! An even bigger blast. Cheney: Is that even possible? (Dodges.) Satan: TIMES THREE! Cheney: SUPREME COURT ATTACK! Satan: ETERNAL HELLFIRE TIMES FOUR! Cheney: HEART ATTACK! Mister Cheney Collapses. Above, Jerry Falwell deals a crippling blow to Pat Robertson. Al Gore: Satan, you've done it! Now there is enough energy to wake Tinky Winky! Cheney gasps in horror. Jerry Falwell rushes to the easily located secret place. A strange cloud comes out of a canister! Is it Majin Tinky Winky? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Dragonball Z (TBN.)
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