To all who read this damnable review, be forewarned. If you are a rabid Star Wars fan who cannot differentiate between a good movie and giraffe manure, then I suggest you visit one of our other pages. Likewise, if you are a thirty-year-old, over-weight computer programmer who lives in his parent's garage and talks to his 12 inch Boba Fett doll, then you might also want to go elsewhere. I'll wait a couple minutes. . . ok, are all the freaks gone? No? Well too bad doughboy, I'm going ahead and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

First of all, let me say that I'm a fan of the original Trilogy. Those movies were revolutionary at a time of bad haircuts and cheesy special effects. The characters were likable, the sfx still hold up well today, and the universe was not tainted with crappy books and computer games. Star Wars was an overall fun movie experience.

Enter Episode I. First, I better explain why I even have this damnable piece of celluloid (yes, I bought it- but for good reason). Suncoast was having one of their special weekends where I get 20% off everything. So we have a tape worth $15.99 reduced to a price of $12.79. Furthermore, I got an additional $10.00 off (I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t one to argue). That takes the price to $2.79. In addition, I got a bonus 2000 points for that particular video; 2000 points that earned me a $10.00 gift certificate. So all in all, Suncoast paid me $7.21 to take Episode I. It’s still a sin, but that’s my rationalization.

The first thing I noticed was the awful video quality. I guess the THX Certification means jack-diddly. This is the second time I played this tape and the damn thing is already falling apart. My tracking was calibrating for a good 15 minutes. Jesus, Lucas!! I at least want to watch my crap in peace. I wouldn’t take this movie if they paid me (err, wait a minute. . . )

But I digress. I probably should put up a plot synopsis for the two people that haven't seen this "movie" (which was directed by George Lucas and produced by Rick McCallum). The ruckus starts when the evil British Trade Federation puts up a blockade on a planet named Naboo (odd how this planet was never mentioned before). Two Jedi get pissed at this and meet some ugly frog things to sort it out. Said ugly frog things try to kill said Jedi. More people get pissed at each other. Annoying boy flys around in a pod-racer so that there can be a crappy computer game tie-in. Evil guy with cool double-edged lightsaber gets pissed and says one line. Said evil guy gets chopped in half. Evil senator grins like an idiot. The end.

Now let’s see what the main point of the movie was. Hmmmm, now this is a tough one. It’s to show how Obi-Wan. . .no, wait maybe not. Ok, it shows how Qui-Gon. . .no, wait a minute Qui-Gon doesn’t do anything. What the hell?!! The point is to show how good ol’ Sen. Palpy became Chancellor? That's it???!!!! 133 minutes for that??!!! Palpy created a war a la "Wag the Dog" and Bill Clinton so gain control of the lousy universe???!!!! Ooooohhh, so THAT’S the PHANTOM Menace!!! I get it now. Too bad Lucas didn’t. If he wanted to make a better movie, he would have shown how good ol’ Palpy plays both sides from the very beginning, and how he revels in his evil ways. BUT NO! We get a two-bit senator from the ass end of space who grins like an idiot half the time. Lucas muddled what amounted to the main point of the movie. He also could have revealed that Darth Sidious is Palpy. That fact is so painfully obvious, and it would have made a cooler ending. People could have said, "Whoa, that’s one evil bastard", instead of saying "Whoa, that crappy movie is finally over."

Oh wait, there was another reason behind Episode I: it was to introduce the new characters. TOO BAD I HATED THE NEW CHARACTERS!!!! We have a drunken Liam Neeson who stumbles around from scene to scene (albeit, not as drunk as his video game counterpart). We have a pansy Ewan McGregor who desperately wants to switch into badass mode, but is hampered by mundane dialogue. We have a damn annoying Anakin (I forgot the pudgy boy’s name) who yells "Yippee" for no apparent reason. We have badly dubbed Trade Federation frog things (for what reason, I know not) who look like rejects from a Korean-made, Godzilla knock-off. And we have Queen Amidala. What the hell is her problem??!! She has a special forces that can do jack, lets the damn Trade Federation waltz into her crappy city, and constantly whines about her people who we never get to see until the awful conclusion (is it just me, or was Naboo a frickin ghost town). Just hold on a minute- I think we've seen this pattern elsewhere.

Well, that’s it for charact. . . HOLD, ON I FORGOT SOMEONE!!!!! Every so often the good Lord sends a plague upon mankind to test our shortcomings. Noah had his flood, Egypt had the 10 plagues, and Sodom and Gomorrah had rain of fire and sulphur. Through these disasters, we learn what it is to be alive because life is defined through pain. Ladies and gentlemen, Jar-Jar Binks is one such pain. Every burden that you carry throughout life becomes just a little bit lighter after you have experienced Jar-Jar's grating voice. Mr. Binks truly united the whole world on that faithful Memorial Day weekend of 1999. Of course, everyone was united in hate for one being, but hey- that kind of harmony is rare.

I confess that I even turned the captions on so I could figure out what the hell he was saying. The captions actually did help. In fact, some of Jar-Jar’s lines would have been somewhat humorous IF I DIDN’T FEEL THE NEED TO KILL SOMETHING EVERYTIME HE SPOKE. If Jar-Jar wasn’t bad enough, we slowly realize that the entire Gungan civilization is a race of muttonheads. Well, Darwin’s theories were just thrown out the window. And I thought they were supposed to be warriors! Learn how to build trenches you jack-asses!!!

On to what I liked (you’ll notice that this is the smallest paragraph). Let’s see: R2-D2 (can’t screw up a series of beeps) and Darth Maul (who says the most coherent line of the movie and then dies). However, there were some good directing techniques during the well done lightsaber fight. Sadly, a 10 minute scene of shiny things does not a movie make.

That's all for this lengthy rant. I can only imagine how Episode 2 will get screwed up. . .

George Lucas: I know! Let’s make Boba Fett a 40 year old transsexual woman!

Rick McCallum: Great idea Master!! You’re a pure genius!!!

Studio Exec: I liiiiike caaaakee. . . .

George Lucas: Great idea! We'll also throw in a hybrid race of Gungans and Ewoks. Kids love them Ewoks. It's the Power of Meth.

Rick McCallum: Uh, don't you mean the Power of Myth, Master?

George Lucas: Um. . .err, right. NOW DANCE FOR ME WHILE I THROW SHARDS OF BROKEN GLASS AT YOU, McCALLUM!

Rick McCallum: Yessir!

Studio Exec: caaaaakkkkkeee. . .