In the mood for love, a film by Wong Kar Wai, is the thrilling story of two people who don't have an affair. Mr. Wong, a director reknowned for his ability to become famous for making movies that don't make sense, masterfully creates an epic production free from such details as, say, a script.

In fact, only Mr. Wong knew what was going on. The actors certainly didn't. The female lead was especially befuddled, stating in an interview that she was afraid that she was not able to be at her best, as not knowing what the plot was tended to get in the way.

The result is a series of random clips of actors who aren't quite sure of what's going on. But Mr. Wong is a great artist, so critics are obliged to give it good reviews.

David Denby of the New Yorker stated that "Wong Kar Wai is an artist, even when he chooses to frustrate us." A philistine peon might interpret this to mean "I thought the film was boring as hell, but I want sound intellectual so I'm going to suck up to a reknowned Chinese director," but that would be wrong. It certainly isn't what I think. Wink, wink.

One of Mr. Wong's earlier films, Chungking Express, met similar acclaim. It was brought into the United States largely through the efforts of Quentin Tarantino, a man with no knowledge of the real world. (You see, while his friends spent their time doing useful things, such as robbing convenience stores, young Quentin watched movies B movies. As a result, all of his movies are based on other movies, which is why they are chock full of clichés, make no sense, and are off less value than camel dung, which you can at least burn for fuel.)

Chungking Express is the story of a random group of people who run into each other in a Hong Kong slum. They include a women with a blond wig and sun glasses who shoots people, a man who talks to dishrags and thinks there is a link between his girlfriend's opinion of him and the expiration date on a can of pineapples, a cop, and a girl who sneaks into some hapless asses apartment and rearranges things at random. (Upon being caught she protests "but you said to visit!") Did I mention that the guy buys up all the pineapples?

Incidentally, the next movie in the collection of Quentin Tarantino's rereleases was the classic film Switchblade Sisters. The name says it all.

By now, you're probably wondering if I've actually seen the movie, or if I'm just basing this all on stuff I've read. I made an effort, but dozed off while watching the trailer. That isn't quite true, though. I actually dozed off while someone who saw the trailer was relating the trailer to me. However, I'm confident that this review is accurate. My evidence is impeccable.

First of all, David Denby gave it a good review, and David Denby is an ass. (The New Yorker should fire him and hire Mr. Cranky.) Secondly, it's pretty much like Chungking Express, only without the action. Since a quick pace was the only thing that movie had going for it, things don't bode well for this one.

And lastly, I know someone who reviewed Jurassic Park based on the opinion of a ten-year-old and his own dislike of Michael Crichton, and got paid for it. Since there's no chance in hell I'm going to see this flick, I'm not feeling any pangs of guilt. "Unscrupulous" is not in my vocabulary.

Rating: -2 Stars
Starring: Tony Leung Chiu-Wai, Lai Chen, Lai Chin, Maggie Cheung, Rebecca Pan.
Directed by Kar-Wai Wong and Wong Kar-wai.
Produced by Wong Kar-wai.
Written by Kar-Wai Wong and Wong Kar-wai.

Distributor: USA Films