Wundam Ging

By Gundam_Go_Home

Dramatis Personae

(yeah, Latin.  I’m classy like that)

 Beero

Quatro

Duoe

Trowwa

Wutang

Rowena

Zex Marrkey

Colonel Uno

Dorothy Andorra

Treize

Flying M.o.n.k.e.y.s

Tojo

The border Patrol

Mussolini

Blackshirts

Imperial Japanese Army

Darth Vader

Imperial Army

Zorro

Lucky the Leprechaun

The real Flying Monkeys

The real Dorothy

Lawyers

Japanese Lawyers

Narrator

Vice Foreign Minister Bob

The Trojan Man

The Red Army

A hood

A clerk

A psychiatrist

And more...

ACT I:

Narrator:  The year is after colony 123.  The flying m.o.n.k.e.y.s, having consolidated their control of earth, are now turning their attention towards outer space and the colonies, which are big wheels that serve no conceivable purpose.  Why do they do this?  I don’t know; I’m just the narrator, and a substitute one at that.   I guess taking over the world just wasn’t good enough for the m.o.n.k.e.y.s.  They need those big wheeley things too.  Of course, this is all conjecture, I really haven’t the slightest notion of what’s going on.  In fact, I’m just looking at the pictures and making things up as I go along.  It’s incredible what you can get away with when you use an official sounding voice.   After all this time I’m still getting paid.  Whoops, I’m over communicating again.  Oh well.  Time for a drink.

 (Sound of a flask opening.)

  Narrator: (glug glug) Oh, wait, I have to say the title, don’t I.  Okay. (Belch) Wundam Bing, episode .... um... six hundred and twelve. 

 (Unintelligible noise is heard from behind camera, directed at Narrator. Stupid title music begins to play.)

 Narrator:  The title of the episode?  Let’s see.  The Sorrowful something or another.  Let’s say cow.  There, all done.

 (starts drinking again)

 (The scene is now in airplane reentering the earth’s atmosphere.  Rowena and her father, Vice Foreign Minister Bob are seated towards the back of the plane.  Bob has a beard.  Rowena. does not have a beard.)

Bob: Rowena, there’s  something I need to tell you while I still have time.

 Rowena: (whiny as usual, of course) What do you mean, Father? You’re not going to  die, are you?

 Bob:  You’ve got to be prepared, Rowena.  The Flying M.o.n.k.e.y.s are after me.

 Rowena:  The m.o.n.k.e.y.s?  But why?

 Bob:  Never mind that.  I must tell you about the circumstances surrounding your birth.

 Rowena: What?  Aren’t you --

 Bob:  -- Let me finish.  I have to tell you.  You are really the heir of the Peacecraft family, the rulers of the Blank Kingdom, whose commitment to total pacifism earned them great renown, as well as a sound thrashing once the Flying M.o.n.k.e.y.s came around.  The Flying M.o.n.k.e.y.s being, of course, the organization devoted to taking over the world and wearing funny uniforms.

 Rowena:  You don’t need to tell me about --

 Bob:  I know, but the narrator’s a lazy bastard, so I’m trying to make up for his inadequacy in relating the plot.

 Rowena: Oh...

 Narrator:  Belchhhhh!

 Bob:  Never mind that (interrupted by Rowena)

 Rowena:  Oh father, I wish you hadn’t...

 Narrator: belch

 Rowena: ... told me the truth!

 Narrator:  (glug, glug.)

 Rowena:  You’ll always be my father to me!

 Bob:  There’s more,  Rowena.  Zex Marrkey, the masked Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. ace pilot --

 Rowena:  (indignantly) I know who Zex Marrkey is!

 Bob:  Rowena, the narrator, the narrator!

 Narrator:  Belch.  Glug, glug.

 Rowena:  Sorry, father.

 Bob:  He’s your brother, Rowena.  Zex is your brother.

 Rowena:  Oh, father, say all this isn’t true!  Please!

 Bob:  I’m truly sorry, Rowena.

 (Rowena rushes tearfully to  front of plane)

 (Once she is out of earshot, the Narrator. speaks)

 Narrator: Burp.  Well, looks like you win the bet after all.

 Bob:  I told you she was gullible as anything.

 Narrator:  (burst into laughter)  That was a great touch with Zex!

 Bob:  Yeah, you’d think everyone would know that he wears his mask  because he’s ugly.

 Narrator:  That was just too beautiful!  Heir to the Blank Kingdom.  I didn’t even (burp) know there was a Blank Kingdom.

 Bob:  There isn’t.

 (both laugh heartily)

 (suddenly, Lady Uno rushes in, tosses a small bomb at Bob.  It explodes.  No more Bob.)

 Pause

 Narrator:  That was shady.

 Uno:  Who said that?  (looks around furtively, cannot find source of voice) Put your hands in the air.

 Narrator:  Whoa... Slow down... You can’t do that.

 Uno:  Why not?  (can’t see where voice is coming from)

 Narrator:  I’m your (burp) Blue Fairy Godmother.

 Uno:  My blue fairy godmother?

 Narrator:  Yes, your  blue fairy godmother.

 (Pause)

 Uno:  Aren’t you going to do something.

 (Pause)

 Narrator:  Belch

 (Pause)

 Uno:  Well?   What kind of Fairy Godmother are you?

 Narrator:  I’m here to give you advice.

 Uno:  Such as? (The great bunned one is growing impatient.)

 Narrator:  Belch.  Glug Glug.

 Uno:  I think you’re lying.  Say goodbye.  (Cocks back hammer of gun, puts finger on trigger.)

 Narrator:  (Hurried, panicked) No, no, I’m not.  I really am.  The message I must give you is this.  You need to get contact lenses and a new hair style.  I’m afraid the bun the is restricting the blood flow to your cerebellum, which gives you psychopathic tendencies.  And the glasses are funny looking.

 Uno:  Now where are you?

 Narrator:  Just try it.

 Uno:  Very well.  (lets hair down.)  (Suddenly changes visibly.)  Why, I feel so much better.  I think I’m going to devote myself to world peace.

 Narrator:  Good.  That means you aren’t going to shoot me, right?

 Uno: (sweetly)  Yes, my dear fairy godmother.

 (Rowena returns)

(points to something outside)

 Rowena: (whining) Look, a battle, we’ve got to stop it.

Uno:  Yes, let’s do that.

 (cut to battle.)

 Narrator: Lah dee (belch) dah.  A battle.  Between Zex Marrkey -- aren’t these coincidences wonderful? -- and Beero Yuy, a Wundam pilot.  Like I care.  (glug, glug)

 Beero:  You’re finished, M.o.n.k.e.y. Boy.

 Zex:  Never.  I will not be defeated.

 (They fight.) 

Beero:  It’s Zorro!

 Zex:  No, it isn’t.

 Beero:  Liar!  I’m going to kill you.

 Zex:  No, dammit, I’m an original character!

 Beero:  I will never trust a Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. Soldier.

 (Pause in dialog.  They continue fighting, though.)

(As the battle continues, Quatro enters in his Wundam.  He is deranged.  More so then usual, anyway.

 Quatro:  (to Beero) Get away from me or I’ll kill you.

 Beero: Hang on a minute.  Zex is already trying to kill me.  You’ll have to wait.

 Quatro:  Beero, outer space has gone crazy.

 Beero:  We aren’t in outer space.

 Quatro:  Oh (Pause)  That would explain a lot.

 Beero:  You have to lay off on the mushrooms, Quatro.

 Quatro:  (In a sudden illogical rage) No!  I’ll destroy you all!

 Zex:  We’re busy.  Go destroy something else.

 Quatro:  Fine then.  Be that way.

 (Exit Quatro)

(Battle Continues. Pause.  Stupid music is playing especially loudly.)

 (Enter Wutang in his Wundam, the Shenschlong.)

 Wutang:  (angrily -- surprise) Are you all my enemies?!

 Zex:  Who the hell are you?

 Wutang:  Shutup, woman!

 Zex:  I’m not a woman.

 Beero:  Yeah, he just needs a haircut.

 Wutang:  Damn you, then, weaklings!  If that’s all you’ve got I will destroy you all!

 Beero:  Well then, looks like we’ll have to fight.

 Wutang:  (talking to his Wundam, an inanimate object.  Figures.)  What, Shenschlong?  I see!  (To a nearby flock of seagulls.)  It is clear now!  You are mocking me!  You shall pay, fools.  (Flock flies away.)  What, and now you run?  Cowards!  I will kill you all!  (Starts to chase after seagulls.)

Duoe enters as Wutang is exiting.   He has heard what was going on.  And he has a long pony tail.   (Again, I can’t stress enough that this is all a coincidence.  The roman collar is, too.  Really.)

Duoe:  What a spaz.

Wutang:  Shutup, woman!  I’ll finish you off later.  (Finally exits in pursuit of seagulls.)

Duoe:  Now there’s a bastard who needs to get laid.

Beero:  What are you doing here, Duoe?  (He and Zex are still fighting, by the way.  They never have stopped.)

Duoe:  Oh, I don’t know.  Comic relief?  Character exposition?  Something like that.

 Beero:   Shouldn’t you go blow up a base or something?

 Duoe:  That sounds about right. (Exits.)

Zex:  Who the hell are all those people?

 Beero:  Long story.

 (Another pause.  This is getting to be one long ass battle.)

(Suddenly, a plane flies right  between Beero and Zex as Beero swings his light saber thing at Zex.  Rowena opens the door to speak.

Rowena:  As the heir to the Peacecraft Dynasty I command you, stop this futile battle at...

 Beero is unable to stop his light saber thing in time.  He slices the plane in half.  It blows up, and Rowena falls to the earth.  And believe me, it’s a long way down.

Zex:  And who was that?

 Beero:  Some girl that’s been stalking me.

 Zex:  You meet the weirdest people.

 (Another pause in dialog as the battle continues.  Just a short one, though.  I mean, this isn’t Waiting for Godot  or anything.)

 Zex:  Say, I’ve been wondering something.

 Beero:  I will kill you.

 Zex:  Right.  Anyway, how are we able to talk?

 Beero:  What do you mean?

 Zex:  I mean, we don’t have radios, do we?  And even if we did, we wouldn’t know the right frequency.  We’re enemies after all.  Maybe we’re psychic.

 Beero:  We could  start a hotline.  Then we could be on TV like that Jamaican women.  Dude, this kicks ass!

 Zex:  Or maybe I’m just schizophrenic and the voices are all in my head.  Are you really talking to me?

 Beero:  Yes.

 Zex:  Of course you would say that.  But how do I know you aren’t just a voice?  Prove you really are the other pilot.

 Beero:  Okay.  Tell you what, let’s stop fighting for a bit and I’ll show you.

 (They disengage.)

 Beero:  I’ll hit this big red button.  Is that proof enough for you?

 Zex:  But I can’t see you hit the button.

 Beero:  Don’t worry.  A button like that is bound to do something special.

 (Hits button.)

(Beero’s mobile suit blows up.)

Zex:  So it’s true.  I’m not schizo after all.  That’s a relief.

 (Scene moves to Quatro, who is still deranged and eager to destroy something.  He comes upon New York City.  He mulls over what to, including threats, etc.  While he is babbling, several New Yorkers in the spare part business sneak up and steal the hubcaps off the Wundam.  Or whatever Wundams have.  I’m not that well versed in the hardware of fictitious flying machines.  Another one climbs up to the door.)

 Quatro:  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I must destroy everything because it doesn’t make sense and I don’t understand why I will destroy you all!  Everything  is meaningless.  You’re afraid to die.  You shouldn’t be living at all... No wait, that’s wrong... Everyone one else has gone crazy.

 (Hood breaks open the door.)

Hood:  Sounds like you the one gone crazy.  (Pointing a gun at Quatro)  Now get your hands in the air and step out of the vehicle.

Quatro:  What?  I’ve never done...

Hood:  And your wallet, too.

Quatro:  But, I will kill...

(Hood has grown impatient.  Picks up Quatro and tosses him out.  He lands in the river.)

Hood:  This is the f*ckin’ ride.  Sh*t, I could rob a bank with this thing.

(Shuts door.  Flys off in Wundam.  Crashes it into building.  Gets up.  Shoots another building.  It blows up.

Hood:  Hell Yeah!

Flys off.

Hood:  Whooo-hoooo!

(Scene shifts to Duoe.  He is attacking a Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. base.)

Duoe: (Slaughtering M.o.n.k.e.y.s left and right.)  Knock Knock.

M.o.n.k.e.y.1:  Who’s there?

Duoe:  (Blows up m.o.n.k.e.y.)  Not you anymore.  (Laughs uproariously.)  Good God, I’m hilarious.   (Flips pony tail.)

Blows up more m.o.n.k.e.y.s

Scene now shifts to Wutang.  He is still chasing after seagulls.

Wutang:  Cowards!  When the enemy is weak I feel empty.  (Yells loudly.)

Seagulls:  Squak! Squak! Squak!

Wutang:  Shutup, Woman!

(South Pole Base.  Zex, Beero, and Trowwa are walking through a corridor.)

Narrator:  For reasons that are (belch) beyond me, Zex has decided to repair Beero’s Wundam.  And guess what?  Beero isn’t really dead.  Now they want to battle (belch) at the South.  Does this make sense?  No.  Do I care?  No.  So stayed tuned.  Or not.  Doesn’t matter a whit to me.

 Zex: So who’s your friend here?

 Beero: Trowwa, another pilot.

 Zex:  Does he ever say anything?

 Beero:  He’ll threaten to kill you every now and then.

 Zex:  Oh?

 Trowwa:  Those who set eyes on a Wundam shall not live (pause) to tell about it.

 Beero:  See?

 Zex:  (starts to respond, but is cut off by the sound a horse galloping down the corridor behind them.)

 Beero:  What’s that?

 Zex:  I don’t know.  We’d better be on our guard.

 (Suddenly, Zorro is open them.  He is riding on a horse.)

 (Leaps off of horse.  Kicks down Beero.  Stabs Trowwa. Trowwa staggers a few paces and collapses. Zorro then confronts Zex.)

 Zorro:  Any last words, you pathetic rip-off of a character?

 Zex: Rip-off?  Everything about me is original.  I swear.

 Zorro:  Then explain the mask.  Explain the name.

 Zex:  I have sensitive skin.  It sunburns easily.

 Zorro:  (Smashes the mask of Zex) And the name?  Not to many names begin with Z.  Do you expect me to believe this is a coincidence?

 Zex:  I swear!  Really --

 Zorro:  (Makes the mark of Zorro on Zex’s cheek)  Then I shall let you live!  But if you infringe on my copyright and the lucrative Zorro franchise again, I will not be so merciful. 

 (Sound of sirens further down the corridor.)

 Zorro:  No, they’ve found me!  (Mounts horse, flees the scene.)

 (Enter a police cruiser, lights flashing.  “United States Border Patrol” is written on the side.  Two officers step out.)

 (Beero gets up groggily.  Trowwa has lost consciousness.  Not that it makes any difference.)

 (The Border patrol agents look at Zex.)

 BPA1:  It’s him.  Get him.

 Zex:  (quickly)  No, it can’t be me.  I’m blonde.

 BPA2:  Of course, a blonde would be too stupid to pull something like this off on his own.

 1: True, true.

 Zex:  No, that’s not what I meant.  I’m clearly not Mexican.

 1:  (unsure) I don’t know.

 2:  He could have dyed his hair.

 1:  (forcefully) Did you dye your hair?

 2:  (shouting) Answer the question!

 Zex:  No, no, I never did anything of the sort.

 (1 sees Beero, points at him.)

 1:  Look!  That one has dark hair, he could be Mexican.

 Beero:  No, I’m Japanese.

 2:  Looks pretty shiftless to me.

 1:  Better take him in.  And that one too.  (Motions to Trowwa.)

 (1,2 handcuff Beero, force him into squad car. )

 Beero:  (As he is being stuffed in car.) I’m not Mexican.  Japanese have dark hair to.  Even you have dark hair. (as he utters these words the door is shut.)

 :  What?  No I don’t!

2:  You know, now that he mentions it, I think you do have dark hair.

 1:  But I’m not a Mexican

 2:  I’m not so sure.  You look pretty shiftless to me.

 1:  What?

 Zex:  Better get him, officer.  Looks like an alien to me.

 (2 clubs one, stuffs him in cruiser.)

 2:  Well, (looking at Trowwa) better get this one too.

 Zex:  No, he’s all right.

 2:  I’m not sure.  (to the unconscious Trowwa)  Do you speak English

 (pause)

 Trowwa does not respond.

 2:  He doesn’t seem to speak English.

 Zex:  He’s unconscious, sir.

 2:  Really?  Must be drugs.

 Zex: No it isn’t.

 2:  Of course it is?  What else would it be?

 Zex:  But look, he’s been stabbed.  He’s bleeding.

 2:  Typical Mexican trick.  I’ll prove it to you.

  (Takes something out of his pocket, puts it in Trowwa’s pocket.  Turns around.  Turns back around.  Pulls the same object back out of Trowwa’s pocket.)

2:  Aha!  Drugs!  I told you so.

 Zex:  You just put that there.

 2:  No I didn’t.

 Zex:  I saw you.  You took it out of your pocket and put it in his pocket.

 2:  Oh, I see.  The cop is the bad guy.  Always planting evidence.  Just gotta play the race card.

 Zex:  We’re both white.

 2:  But you’re blond.

 Zex:  So?

 2:  And I’m not... (suddenly, the realization strikes him.  He too, has dark hair.)  I have dark hair.  But I never thought I was a Mexican...

 Zex: You are truly the most conniving man I’ve ever met!  Infiltrating the border patrol like that!  Lying even to yourself.  The shame of it.  At least you’ve discovered your own duplicity.  Perhaps things will be better if you turn yourself in.

 2:  (Troubled and bewildered.)  Yes, that’s the only thing to do. 

 (Starts to get in cruiser.  Remembers Trowwa.)

 2:  I’ve got to get him first.  One last duty to be done.

 Zex:  Too late.  Looks like he’s dead.

 Beero:  (From squad car) With him, you can never tell.  Just wait a bit and see if he makes any threats.

 2: Sounds reasonable.

 Pause.  Trowwa remains speechless.

Zex:  So he is dead.

 2:  I still think it might be a trick.

 Zex:  I doubt it.

 2:  Which one of us is the Mexican here?  Don’t you think I know the tricks?

 Zex:  Uhh... I guess you’re the Mexican, sir.  Better start speaking Spanish.

 2:  Spanish?

 Zex:  Yes, the language spoken in Mexico.

 2:  I’m a Mexican, and I don’t speak Spanish.  Are you saying I don’t know about my culture?

 Zex:  Sure you speak Spanish.  Ever see a Taco Bell commercial?

 2:  I had forgotten.  Yo quioro taco bell.  Burrito.  Muchos grande...

 Zex:  Good, good.  Now go turn yourself in.

 2:  Okay.  I will.  And I might as well take that guy, just in case he isn’t really dead.

 (2 loads Trowwa into squad car drives off.  Speaking about burritos all the way.  Drives down corridor.)

 Narrator:  Well that little episode is going to wreak havoc on the plot here.

 Zorro:  (off stage, with Narrator)  Seriously, man

Narrator:  You have the stuff?

 Zorro:  Have I ever failed you? (shuffling of paper is heard.)

 Narrator:  That’s a fat joint, man.  (Lights it up, takes a puff, keels over)

 Zorro:  Uh-oh.  Wake up, man.  I don’t want any of this.

 Narrator:  No, that’s all right...  You be narrator.

 Zex:  What’s all that racket?

 Zorro:  Nothing.  You’re just hearing voices again, my man.  Better find a shrink.

 Narrator:  The colors, the colors!

 Zex:  Nooooo!

 Zorro:  So, umm... in the year ... after colony ... uh .... What’s the year, man?

 Narrator:  Yeaaaahhhh!

 Zorro:  Well, never mind the year, man.  The funny looking guy is going to see a shrink, and what else is going on, man?

 Narrator:  Yeaaaahhh!

 Zex:  I thought I wasn’t schizo?

 Zorro:  Sucks to be you.  Anyway, umm...  A lot of complicated sh(bleep) is going down in this particular year....  You heard me ... Isn’t the scene supposed to end now or something?

 Narrator:  Hell, yeaahhhhh!

 Zex:  The voices, the voices!  I need my mask.

 Zorro:  Just get a paper bag, man.

 Zex:  (looking around bewildered)  Stop talking to me!

 Zorro:  Why doesn’t this scene end, (bleep)

 Narrator:  Whooooooooaaaaaaaa!

 Zex:  (shouting) The noise the noise!

 Zorro:  Hey, I didn’t come here to be narrator, man.  Stop (bleeeppp)ing around.  I don’t want to narrate.

 Zex:  There it is again!  Voices voices!  (runs down corridor)

(Exit Zex)

Narrator:  Yeaaaaahhhhhh!

 Zorro:  Well, that’s how it is, people.  That’s what happened.  A whole lot of complicated sh(bleep)... hey, what is that noise?  (Pause)  (Continues)  A whole lot of complicated sh(bleep )

 (Pause)

(Continues)

 Zorro:  A whole lot of complicate.... (pauses) (tries to say the word quickly and suddenly to escape the bleeper) ... SH(bleeeeppp)....

 (Pause)

 Zorro:  Just end the scene, okay.  I admit it.  It was all a ruse to stop the (bleep) boarder patrol.  Just please, stop all this (bleep) bleeping.  Please!

 (Now back to New York.  Quatro’s Wundam is standing outside of a convenience store, its gun pointing down at the building.  The hood is inside.)

Hood:  Put the money in the bag, man.  I don’t want shoot you.

 Clerk:  I’m getting it, I’m getting it.  (empties cash register, puts bag full of money outside.  The Wundam picks up the bag.  A few police cars driven up.  The Hood’s Wundam steps on them and flys away.)

On to ACT II