ASK DAVE

(Not Really)

Would you like to ASK DAVE Send your questions to damagegod@yahoo.com. Please check back to see if your questions have been answered. The answer will appear here on the ASK DAVE page.

Warning:
May not actually be Dave Navarro. Alright! It's actually some fat old fart that lives next to me with a really cool receding hair line. But his name really is Dave.
-Damagegod and UncleCreamy









QUESTION

I caught my boy friend cheating on me. What should I do?

-Defeated and Cheated in the U.S.A

ANSWER

Dear Defeated and Cheated, You should tell him that you're pregnant with his baby. Ask Him for $500 in abortion fees, then go on a shopping spree. Hell buy yourself a new hat, but remember don't wear white after Labor day!

QUESTION

Dave, I have a really boring job, that allows me a lot of free time. I'm going crazy from the boredom! What can I do to pass the time?

-Bored in the store, Florida.

ANSWER

Dear Bored in the store, I suggest you learn the ancient Japanese art of Oragami. What I usually do is make stars out of colored paper, put them in a cup, and hold them up to my eye, while turning the cup. It's a homemade Kaleidescope! Hours of pure unbridled fun and entertainment. P.S Stars may not be suitable for kids under three.

QUESTION

Dave...My friend and I are always playing Uno. But, I don't seem win a single hand. Do you have any game strategies you can pass along?

-The People's loser in Colorado

ANSWER

Well, the three rules to any game or sport is...
1) Cheat
2) Steal
3) Lie

If you master these you CAN and WILL win. Put sixes over nines, look at your partners cards when he/she goes to the bathroom. The possibilities are limitless.

QUESTION

Help Me Dave! My girlfriend constantly complains about my B.O., what should I do?

-Stinky&Stanky in Michigan

ANSWER

Find a vendor on the corner, try any California off ramp, and buy a huge bag of oranges. Hold one under each of your armpits for 3 days straight. If that doesn't work then you are obviously rotting from the inside dead boy.

QUESTION

Dearest Dave, One of my co-workers always gives me major attitude! She talks down to me like I'm a lower life form, not fit to stand in her shadow. Plus she uses a fake accent, that makes her sound as if she is chewing her own face. Short if using her fat head as a punching bag, how should I handle her?

-Ready To Strike New England

ANSWER

This passive-agressive attitude will get out nowhere...Stop feeding the the behavior, you need to be subtle. Eat some beans before work, use the faculty bathroom, don't flush. Then start a rumor that you co-worker is a pig, maybe even throw a sanitary napkin in there.

QUESTION

Help! My boy-friend has an unsightly mole on the center of his forehead. I love him but NOT his mole. Any suggestions?

-HollyMoley in California

ANSWER

Get a spool of thread. Hell, if it's the mother mole use dental floss. Tie the thread losely around the mole. Then, on a count three...Pull both ends of the thread firmly and quickly. Until the mole pops off. P.S Please Vaccum afterwards.

QUESTION

Dave! My my close friend just told me "I like you." What should I do?

ANSWER

Say, "I like you too, can we kiss now?"

QUESTIONS

Dear Dave, My boyfirend insists on bringing a blow-up doll that slightly resembles Milton Berle to bed everynight. He says this is a way of fullfilling a threesome fantasy. Dave, I can't seem to get into our love making, with this oversized innertube in our bed! I've talked to him about this, but he says if I love him I'll do it for him. HELP!

-Threes A Crowd, Oregon

ANSWER

Here are some of the pro's and cons of making love to a plastic doll.
Pro
They don't complain that the handcuffs are too tight. 		Con
They don't complain that the handcuffs are too tight.
They don't snuggle afterwards. You must remove all spiked accessories.
Poysonal hygenine is optional. Ever wear plastice pants? Nuff said.
They never ask you to play bass in their band, "Barbwire Bush." The coversation lags at times.

As you can plainly see they are many advantages to having a blow-up doll in the bedroom. If it really offends you jab the doll with a fork or dump this man...One less lifeless object deserves another says I.

QUESTION

Dave, I recently noticed that I have head lice! How can I quickly and effectivly get rid of it, short of going out and buying expensive treatments like Nix. This is too embarressing. Do you have any home remedies?

-A Bug's Life, Hawaii

ANSWER


It just so happens that my family is known for its "Special" remedies and "Cures". What you need to do is get some "Raid" ant or roach killer along with some plastic bags. Cover your face with the bags, so only your hair is visible. Don't forget air holes. Hold the can 6 to 89 inches from your head and saturate hair completely. Repeat if necessary. The suckers should be dead in a matter of seconds. Warning: Results are not typical.

QUESTIONS

Dear Dave,
None of my co-workers or collueges seem to understand my obession for 80's music. When I try the explain to them that Whitney Houston's single "I Want To Dance With Somebody" is really about a powerfull connection between two human beings and their relationship to one another, they laugh uncontrollably. This infuriates me. I get thoughts about killing them with rustly, dirty coat hangers and Sorba ice cream while while listening to Huey Lewis and the News. Am I weird?

-Born Loser In The USA.

ANSWER


One would think that listening to Huey Lewis and News would make someone kill themselves. But, I think the major problem lies within yourself. I know how powerful 80's music can be. Lyrics such as, "I wanna be your sledge hammer" and "She's so fine there's no telling where the money went" stir the soul. Face it half of those singer are now real estate agents and carpenters. They've moved on, I think you should too.

--THE END--