"Oh yeah, life goes on,
Long after the thrill of living is gone."
-Jack and Diane, John Cougar Mellencamp

I smiled. Not because I had reason to, but because that was what they needed. The night had brought everyone down. I tried not to face it. They had already started their drinks. I wouldn't drink tonight. No reason for me to. I would give them a show. I loved acting. It made them smile. They felt better with me around for some strange reason. I wasn't like them. That was refreshing for them. I made some innane comment while grinning like a madman. They looked confused for a moment, then smiled, telling me I was insane. Except good old Chrissy. She kept frowning. I thought maybe she blamed me for tonight, the general feeling of gloom. There was no real reason to everyone's sadness. At least, I thought not. I let my smile fade as I noticed a spot of dirt on the silver ring on my left hand. I wiped it off and quickly smiled again before anyone noticed the change. Why they thought I was insane I couldn't fathom. Sometimes they mistook it for stupidity, but I just wanted them happy. That was all that mattered to me tonight. That those I loved were happy. My happiness could wait. If they were happy that might make me feel good. Maybe. I went upstairs for a moment to find some sugar cookies that John said were in the cabinets. Baked them himself he said. There was one left when I found it. I brought it down and took a bite. Insects must have tried them first, for it was so bitter I couldn't stand it. But I swallowed it just to make John happy. And I kept smiling. It was great, I told him. I felt bad for lying, but he wouldn't remember the night and I didn't want him to be an angry drunk. Chrissy knew I was lying though. She wouldn't drink tonight either. She just stared at me, pushing the guilt farther into me, boring it into my skull. She hadn't done this before. We were close, though lately she seemed to be very unhappy and was keeping away from us. In fact, this was the first time in a while I had seen her. I made a few more jokes while they continued to drink, and the mood was lightened. Their fool had done good tonight. They wanted me to join them. Not tonight I told them, I was feeling sick. Which was somewhat true, the sugar cookie was tearing through my stomach. I asked Chrissy why she wasn't joining them, and she just shrugged. I obviously wouldn't get anything out of her. I went upstairs and she followed me. Something was wrong, I knew it. Her eyes were devoid of that divine twinkle I had come to love, at least tonight. I asked her what was wrong and she asked why I lied to John. I told her the sugar cookie wasn't all that bad despite the maggots, smiling. She didn't appreciate the fact that I was smiling, nor that I lied. I felt bad for it. Something must have been terribly wrong. I wanted to know, but she thought my advice might be the kind that wouldn't help, but would simply make her feel as if it were all going to be alright. My stomach was in horrible pain, I shouldn't have eaten the sugar cookie, but it pleased someone and all of them downstairs were oblivious to the pain I was in because of it. But my favorite wasn't, and that was what mattered to me right now. For this I felt horrible. I felt so bad, in fact, that I looked at her one last time, with her eyes cold upon me, and finally frowned. I wouldn't let her see me unhappy, I couldn't let any of them know what was eating me up inside. I quickly left with one of my famous disappearances, not telling any of them where I was going, but that I would eventually be back, that was a promise. I almost choked on the word promise, for promises are many times broken. In this day and age they meant nothing. So I gave my word, and they were still happy in their state, though Chrissy still watched me as I left, and I ran out into the night with the music blaring into my ears. Something for the mood I was in, 19th Nervous Breakdown by the Rolling Stones. Somewhat upbeat though the underlying theme wasn't about anything happy at all. I didn't know where I was walking to at this time of the night, I didn't care. I just kept walking. First a stop at the convenience store though. Some soda that was horrible for me, but I liked how it made me feel for a while. I walked to a small apartment complex under some trees and sat down, finishing off the soda. I shouldn't have, for it disagreed with the fetid cookie. Under the tree I sat alone, feeling horrible and wondering why I always put on a show for them. The night was cold and I didn't have a single thing to warm me. I rested my back and head on the tree behind me and stared up at the sky, cold and empty.