HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradie it in the crook
of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on
either
side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding piil in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and
cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.
Retrieve cat from bedroom,
and
throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat
wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and
get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not
harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with coid water and
soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with
desert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver
from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records
for
date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from
bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the
little bugger's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye- Call
furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society
to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if
they have
any
hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in cheese.
~Author Unknown
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