07/10/98 In a few days it will be 7 years since by brother died. This morning I received a letter from Sharon a nurse who had trouble accessing this page. I hope I have made the necessary corrections so that no one will find it difficult to navigate.

My brother died in a hospital in Austin Texas. He had many doctors some very good and some bad. I realized at the time that none of them really knew what to do for him. The most they could do at the end time was run more tests. Perhaps, that was good for science, but it was not good for him.

Who came through for him during his many illnesses were his nurses. They did everything they could to alleviate his pain even confronting his doctors about using Marijuana. They said they were doing all they could. He was never free of terrible pain. During his final hours one nurse, I know risked her career, when she was unable to get a hold of his doctor, by administering more pain killer than was prescribed. God bless that nurse. However there was one nurse, who wanted to "follow the book," and resuscitate him when he began to choke.

My brother died of cancer, a little over one year after being diagnosed with having "non-Hodgkin's lymphoma." The old term "lymphosarcoma" was used, also the term "large cell immunoblastic type." From reading my more recent Merck Manual I know that the medical profession knows more about this type of cancer now and uses different terms for it. The doctor's believed his cancer was HIV related.

With the discovery of a tumor connected to his intestines, surgery was performed to remove "all of it they could see," then aggressive chemotherapy and radiation followed during the year preceding his death.

Just how long had my brother been HIV infected? My guess is that he had been infected for about 10 years. During that time Charles had been in denial of HIV infection.

"Midnight, not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory She is smiling alone In the lamplight The withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind begins to moan"

"Memory, all alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then I remember the time I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again"

"Every streetlamp seems to beat A fatalistic warning Someone mutters and a streetlamp gutters And soon it will be morning"

"Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise I must think of a new life And I mustn't give in When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too And a new day will begin"

"Burnt out ends of smoky days The stale cold smell of morning The streetlamp dies, another night is over Another day is dawning"

"Touch me, it's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is Look, a new day has begun"

07-14-98 The seventh anniversary of Charley's death. I think of him and no longer cry. I remember the crazy good times.

04-24-99 I am crying again, after reading what Charley wrote, and remembering. It is now time for me to put in print the beginnings of the book, he did not have time to write.

07-17-99 Oh I feel so guilty. This year I was not aware on the 14th that it was the anniversary of Charley's death. I hope he does not know that I forgot.