Teach Me Thy Ed

By Boytsov

(Its a really cold summer in the Cul-de-sac. Eddy is wearing warm clothes, Edd is wearing warm clothes -times 10 and Ed has a T-shirt and shorts.)

Edd: Ed, I believe that your vesture is not pertinent at this moment.

Ed: I have very little idea of what you said, Double D.

Edd: What Im saying is that you should put on a sweater.

Ed: (Terrified) Oh, No Double D. If I put on a sweater it will change its molecular structure and eat me!!!!!!!!!! How will I butter my toast then?

Edd: Ed, do you even have the slightest idea of what molecular structure is?

Ed: It tastes like chocolate covered ice cream.

Eddy: I got it!!!!!

Ed: You got ice cream?

Eddy: No, Ed I got an idea.

Edd: (sarcastically) I wonder what it is this time!!!

Eddy: This time it WILL bring us lots of cash.

Edd: Please, Eddy. Last time you had a good idea we ended up wearing snail costumes so that the Kankers wont beat us up. Im still in a lot of pain. And after Kankers published the pictures on the Internet I feel abased like never before.

Eddy: Ok, so that was a bad idea going to Kankers but it was yesterday. Today itll be different.

Edd: Sure Like all the other times.

Eddy: Im not listening to you!!!!

Ed: But I hear the ocean.

Edd: All right Eddy, what is your idea?

Eddy: We can teach other people about Mloclecular Structure by making a school.

Edd: Its not as bad as I thought. But Eddy, you pronounced Molecular Structure wrong.

Eddy: Who cares?

Edd: Well, Eddy. I do.

Eddy: I can be the principal, and naturally I keep the cash. You can teach people about the Morolecular Structure.

Edd: Eddy, It is pronounced Molecular Structure.

Eddy: All right, all right. Dont have a bird. Whatever you say.

Ed: (Embarrassed) Eddy, can I clean the toilets?

Eddy: (Surprised) Huh? Ok, Ed.

Ed: Yay!!!!! Im a principal too!!!!

(Edd and Eddy look at Ed Surprised.)

***

(Ed is using his head to hammer a sign saying Eddys skool -25 cents- the only placce to learn about Moroclecuclar structure to the garage.)

Ed: Eddy, when do I get to clean the toilets??

(Eddy is sitting on a lawn chair and drinking lemonade.)

Eddy: You really enjoy it, dont you.

Ed: Its my favorite part! Ummmm, Eddy. Can I have some of that?

(Eddy quickly swallows the whole lemonade and accidentally also eats the glass.)

Eddy: Nope, Ed. Its all gone.

Edd: Eddy, thats no way to treat a friend.

Eddy: Who cares, as long as hes working.

Edd: Eddy, have you no shame, and look at that horrible spelling!!!

(Ed finishes hammering but still continues banging his head on the garage until it collapses.

Edd: Oh, No!! Our garage.

Eddy: What are you, Ed?

Ed: I am the evil apprentice of Evil Tim and I want fried bacon!

Edd: I think Ed has finally crossed that thin line of absurdity that he was so well balanced on.

Eddy: What I can think is that because of him we need to make some sort of a house.

Ed: And I cant think at all.

Eddy: (muttering to himself) Im not surprised.

***

(Eds are in the construction yard.

Edd: I believe that this is the location where we can find most of the supplies we will need to make a schoolhouse.

Ed: And can I build a toilet?

Edd: Ed this joke is becoming very old.

Ed: But its not a joke, Double D.

Edd: Ed thats enough. You all might lead me back to the Band-Aid education method (from the My Fair Ed episode)

(Edd takes out a roll of paper the size of a toilet paper roll.

Edd: Now, I have composed a list of supplies that we will need.

Eddy: Let me see that!

(Takes a list out of Edds hands.)

Edd: (annoyed) Excuse Me!!!!

Eddy: Why do we need so much stuff?

Edd: Eddy, it takes hard labor to build a house and

Eddy: Whatever

(Eddy rips the list into 30 parts and leaves only one.

Eddy: That should be enough.

***

(Eds stand before a house they built.)

Edd: Its not as bad as I thought but Eddy. As I have said earlier. An incomplete project such as this is blemish in the face of integrity.

Ed: Yes I Am.

(House falls apart.)

***

(Eds stand before a house they built.)

Edd: Its not as bad as I thought but Eddy. As I have said earlier. An incomplete project such as this is blemish in the face of integrity.

Ed: Yes I Am.

(House falls apart.)

***

(Eds stand before a house they built.)

Edd: Its not as bad as I thought but Eddy. As I have said earlier. An incomplete project such as this is blemish in the face of integrity.

Ed: Yes I Am.

(House falls apart.)

***

(Eds stand before a house they built)

Edd: Its not as bad as I thought but Eddy

Eddy: Dont say it!!

(House falls apart)

Ed: Yes I Am.

Edd: So, Eddy. As I said before and I will say again. An incomplete project is blemish in the face of integrity.

Eddy: Enough already!!!

Edd: I hope youre happy now, Eddy. After wasting hours mindlessly.

Eddy: Fine, lets do it your way!

***

(The Eds are walking on the street.)

Edd: So, you see Eddy. How much better it was to use all the supplies necessary anyway its better to overdo than to under do.

Eddy: Now we just have to get some pigeons.

Ed: But I want to have a gazelle, Eddy.

Edd: Ed, Its an expression.

Ed: And Im a gazelle.

Edd and Eddy: Huh?

Ed: My mom was an oven, Eddy.

Eddy: (sarcastically) I would have never known, Ed

Ed: Always pleased to inform..

Eddy: Shut up, Ed.

***

(Johnnys house. Jonny is in the living room with Plank having a staring contest.)

Jonny: Whoa, Plank. Were tied 4 to 4.

(Doorbell ringing. Jonny blinks.)

Jonny: What do you mean you win? That doesnt count, Plank!!! I was distracted.

Plank: (silence)

Jonny: All right, all right. Ill get the door. But actually its your turn, Plank.

(Outside of the door. Eds stand.)

Eddy: (keeps ringing the doorbell) Why wont he answer?

Edd: Patience, Eddy. Besides he might not be home.

(Door opens.)

Eddy: Hey, Jonny boy!

Jonny: Hello, Eddy.

Eddy: Hey

Ed: (interrupting) Howdy

Jonny: Hello

Eddy: Hi

Ed: (interrupting) Hello

Jonny: Hey

Eddy: Hi

Ed: (interrupting) Howdy

Eddy: (yells) Everybody, shut up!!!

Ed: Hello, my name is Ummmm. I forget.

Eddy: Hey, Jonny boy. How would you like to learn about a little something called Morocledtural Structure?

Edd: Eddy, it is pronounced- Molecular

Ed: (yells) My name is Sarah I mean Jimmy I mean

(All three Eds begin loudly talking at once. Eddy yelling about the school, Edd correcting Eddys grammar errors, and Ed trying to remember his name- unsuccessfully.)

Jonny: Get away from me, weirdoes. (Shuts the door) Run, Plank

***

(Eds going down the street.)

Eddy: Great. We just lost a customer. If it werent for you, Double D everything would work.

Edd: I could not withstand hearing such crude grammatical errors. Besides, Eddy it is not my fault.

Ed: Guys, I forgot my name!

Eddy: Your name is Ed, Ed.

Ed: No thats not it, Eddy. I think it is Polly.

Eddy: No, Ed. Your name is Ed.

Ed: I got it, Eddy. My name is Ed.

Eddy: (sarcastically) How did you figure that out?

Ed: After hours of mindless labor, Eddy.

Edd: Please, lets just proceed.

Eddy: Whos next?

Edd: According to my list next we go to Rolf.

Ed: And then can I clean the toilets?

Edd: Ed, this joke is getting on my nerves.

Ed: Double D, Its not a joke.

Eddy: Ed, pipe down.

Ed: I like pipes, Eddy

***

(Rolfs backyard. Rolf is polishing Victors horns. Eds come.)

Eddy: Hey, Rolf. How would you like to learn about Mrolecular structure?

Edd: Eddy, its pronounced

(Eddy puts his leg in Edds mouth.)

Edd: (muffled talking)

Ed: Cool.

(Eddy puts his other leg in Eds mouth. After 5 seconds he realizes that hes not standing on the ground and falls headfirst on a stone.)

Rolf: Three haired Ed boy, what are you doing here?

Eddy: Rolf, we opened a school and well

Rolf: Ah, Ed boy. And you need assistance of the son of a shepherd?

Eddy: No, Rolf. Actually

Rolf: Then leave, Ed boy.

Eddy: Huh? Im just asking if youd like to learn about Mrolecrtflar structure.

Edd: Eddy, Im tired of correcting you, its pronounced Molecular structure.

Ed: I forgot my name again, guys.

Eddy: Everybody, Shut up.

Rolf: Ed boy, I have no time for your foolishness for I am a son of a shepherd and all this will only lead to trial of the chickens. Good-bye, Ed boys.

Eddy: But, Rolf!!!!

Rolf: Victor, show them the way out.

(Victor tries to ram Eddy with his horns but the Eds run away.

***

(Eds are walking across the street again.

Eddy: Man, whats up with Rolf?

Ed: I like chickens Eddy.

Edd: Shall we move on?

Ed: Lets sing a song! Ninety-nine bottles of gravy on the wall, Ninety- nine bottles of gravy.

(3 Hours later.)

Ed: (weakly) Five bottles of gravy on the wall, five bottles of gravy

Edd: (laughs to himself) Eddy, I believe Ed is getting too high on gravy.

Eddy: Let him go, the kid is a sport.

Ed: Guess what, Eddy. Yesterday I got to watch the new Evil Tim movie. First Evil Tim came alive in a park and sucked out the souls of everyone in there. Then when he was done he went down the street and sucked out the souls of the people there. And then he went to a restaurant and sucked out the soul of the fried bacon, and then

Eddy: Shut up!

Ed: Ok, Eddy.

Edd: According to my calculations the others will not join us either.

Eddy: Well, then well just have to try other methods of persuasion.

***

(Eds are underground with shovels.

Edd: Eddy, we should be right under Jonnys bed. But, you have to admit that stealing Plank and holding him hostage is a rather incompetent plan.

Eddy: Shut up and dig!

Edd: But, Eddy. My arms are tired. May we please have a rest?

Eddy: No! Well just use the fake explosives to lure Jonny away and meanwhile take Plank. (Looks around) Ed, where are the fake explosives

Ed: I put them in Kevins house just like you said, Eddy!

Eddy: I didnt say that!

Edd: Ed, did you say Kevins house!

Ed: Right under his bed.

(Distant explosion.

Kevin: (In distance) Im gonna get you, dorks!!!

Ed: Im hungry.

***

(Eds sit in Eddys house with broken hands and legs)

Ed: I feel funky, Eddy.

Edd: Well, Eddy. I think thats a lesson to us all.

Eddy: Wont you ever close that mouth of yours!

Edd: Eddy, I will ignore that statement! Seeing that we are temporarily impaired we should just forget about this scam and move on!

Eddy: Yep, Double D. Even I have to admit that scam was stupid. How could you ever think of it?

Edd: Me? It was your idea.

Eddy: Never mind that. I just got another idea and this one WILL bring us lots of cash!

Ed: And can I clean the toilets?

(Edd, Eddy look at Ed wide-eyed)

Ed: Gravy.

The End