Won't You B-Ed My Neighbor

by: Kittygirl

Scene 1

Edd- "Okay Ed, let's try this once more. What does one plus one equal?"

Double D, tolerant as ever, awaits the answer from his dimwitted friend. Another day of tutoring, with one question remaining to draw the day to a close.

Ed- "Um…(scratches his head in thought)…one on a bun?"

Double D shakes his head in dismay and kindly pats his inept friend on the shoulder.

Edd- (sigh) "Dear sweet naive Ed. My pity for you grows deeper by the minute."

Eddy stares into one side of Ed's ear as his voice echoes through the other end.

Eddy- (echoing) "As deep as that hole in his head?……What the?"

Eddy spies something sticking out the side of Ed's ear and begins to pull it out. Suddenly, an entire umbrella emerges from the undaunted Ed's cranium.

Eddy- "Ever hear of a cotton swab, Ed?"
Ed- "My mom says not to stare at the sun."
Edd- "For the sake of my sanity, I think it best if we continue this lesson tomorrow."
Eddy- "Yea, cramming too many facts in there at once might make `ol burrhead's brain explode."
Edd- "Well, I don't know about that. But I'm sure things will click for Ed eventually, with enough tutoring that is. Isn't that right Ed?…….Ed??"

Ed stands mesmerized, staring into space at the edge of the yard. Double D and Eddy run up beside him.

Eddy- "I thought your mom told you NOT to stare into the sun Ed."

Double D glances over to where Ed's unblinking eyes are focused on. He spies a moving van backed into the driveway next to his.

Edd- "No Eddy, I believe Ed is observing that moving van over there."
Eddy- "A moving van? What?"

Eddy spies the moving van.

Eddy- "Well I'll be."
Edd- "Well, it seems as though a newcomer will be gracing our cul-de-sac."
Eddy- "Newcomer nothin, pigeon's more like it. `Bout time we got some fresh meat in here."
Edd- "Fresh meat? Pul-eeeze Eddy. This isn't a butcher shop."
Ed- "With gravy?"
Eddy- "Shut up Ed."
Edd- "It's appalling how you would demean a person by treating them simply as a pawn in your game of corrupt…***BAM***"

Suddenly, a football comes from out of nowhere, and slams Double D in the side of the head.

Eddy- (relieved) "Well, that couldn't have come at a better time. Huh Ed?"
Ed- "Hahahaha I like Spam."
Kevin- "Hey dorks, you guys see my football anywhere around here?"
Eddy- "Uhm…you might wanna try over there, imbedded in the side of Double D's face."

Double D picks himself up and painfully sweeps the dirt off his clothes.

Edd- (mumbling) "Well THAT was uncalled for."
Kevin- "Hey Double Dweeb, toss my football over here will ya?…oh wait, you'd better not."

Kevin walks over to Double D and snatches the ball from his hands.

Kevin- "Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself considering you throw like a preschooler.
Edd- "Well, granted my athletic skills aren't as developed as yours are Kevin, but…."
Kevin- "Oh spare me the brainy talk. I wouldn't want your dorkiness rubbin off on me. Ha! Later Losers!"

Eddy runs up beside Kevin.

Eddy- "Hey wait up Kev!"
Kevin- "What is it now dork?"
Eddy- "Notice that moving van over there?"

Eddy points in the direction of the moving van.

Kevin- "Well, duh, it's been there all day man."
Edd- "It's astounding how we could be completely oblivious to that the entire day. And the fact the Ed was the one who ultimately revealed it is even more bewildering on my part."
Kevin- "Yea, whatever. You know, you talk waaay to much man."
Edd- "It's a curse I'm afraid."
Kevin- "Anyway, don't even bother seein who it is, because no one's been allowed around there all day. I gotta motor, later dorks!"
Ed- "Bye Kevin! Hahaha."
Eddy- "No one's allowed in eh? Well, we'll just see about that. Heh heh."
Edd- "But Eddy…."
Eddy- "Let's see…….we could sneak in the back door….."
Edd- "Absolutely not Eddy! I draw the line at trespassing. It's just not ethical."
Eddy- "Alright alright. We'll just wait then Mister e…eth..ethi…whatever you said."
Edd- "Thank you Eddy. Now doesn't it feel gratifying to do the moral thing for once?"
Eddy- "What would be REALLY gratifying would be to meet that new person before anyone else does."
Edd- "Well…."
Eddy- "You know, cement that good first impression before everyone else."
Edd- "Um…well…."
Eddy- "Show that person what good guys we are before Kevin gets to `em first and runs our names through the dirt before we even get a chance to state our case!"
Edd- "My Eddy, you should be a lawyer."
Eddy- "Really? Ya think so?"
Ed- "Awwww come'on Double D!! I wanna meet the new person. Pleeeeze??"
Edd- (sigh) "Very Well. I suppose it couldn't hurt."
Ed- "Yay!"
Eddy- "Sweet!"
Edd- "But for the record, my moral fiber is still in tact."

Scene 2

Sarah-"Do you think Malibu Darbie would look better in the white bikini or the pink one Jimmy?"
Jimmy- "Hmmm……how about black? It's more slimming."
Sarah- "Ok."

Sarah and Jimmy amuse themselves with their dolls in Ed's backyard, while secretly, in a nearby bush, three figures perceptively make their way through the yard.

Eddy- "Youch!! Get off my foot lummox!!"
Ed- "Oops! Sorry Eddy."
Edd- "Quiet you guys. Do you want someone to hear us?"
Sarah- "Did you hear something Jimmy?"
Jimmy- "Oh no! Are my corduroy pants making sounds again?"

Sarah notices three pairs of sneakers peeking out from the bottom of a bush. Gritting her teeth in anger, she slowly approaches the bush with her fists clenched.

Sarah- "No, not that kind of sound Jimmy. Sounds more like an idiot, oaf of an older brother and his two idiot friends to me….."
Ed- Do you think she's on to us Eddy?"
Eddy- "I dunno, just a hunch Ed."
Sarah- "And if there ARE any idiot older brothers in there….they would be smart enough to know that spying on me and Jimmy is something worthy of our parents knowing…."

Ed suddenly leaps out from the bush, dragging Edd and Eddy along with him as he runs across the yard, falling to his knees, and pleading at his younger sister's feet.

Ed- "Oh have mercy malevolent sibling!"
Sarah- "ED!! I KNEW IT!! WHAT WERE YOU DOING SPYING ON ME AND JIMMY!!??"

Eddy and Double D pry themselves out from beneath the bush, and silently attempt to tiptoe out of harms way.

Sarah- "And where do you think YOU TWO are going??!! I want an explanation NOW!!"
Eddy- "Erm…go for it Double D."

Eddy pushes Double D forward so that he's facing Sarah. She looks at him with arms crossed and eyebrows lowered.

Sarah- "Well?!"
Edd- "Uhm…well….the truth is Sarah, that um……we were….er….what I mean to say is…that (gulp)….we…."

Double D stands there as petrified as a deer in headlights. Eddy and Ed stand back, fearing the worst. Surprisingly, Sarah takes one look at the vulnerable trembling Edd, and becomes quite calm.

Sarah- "Well…..okay. Just DON'T come sneaking around here again. GOT IT?!"
Edd- "Oh yes, of…of course."
Eddy- "Okay well, we gotta run."

Eddy grabs Double D and Ed, and darts across the yard into the cul-de-sac. Sarah watches them as they leave.

Sarah- "***loving sigh****"
Eddy- "Phew! That was close."
Ed- "Why didn't Sarah get mad Eddy?"
Eddy- "Oh I know why. Those hormones started kickin in. Isn't that right Casanova?

Eddy nudges Double D in the ribs.

Edd- "Excuse me?"
Eddy- "Awww come' on Double D. We ALL know that Sarah's got the hots for you. I'm just glad to know it will come in handy. Heh heh."
Edd- "What do you mean by that?"
Eddy- "You know, whenever it looks like Sarah's about to pummel us, all you do is….well….do whatever you normally do, and she'll let us off easy."
Edd- "Leave it to you to exploit Sarah's infatuation with me for your own personal gain."
Ed- "You're not fat Double D."
Edd- (sigh) "Weren't we trying to accomplish something today?"
Eddy- "Oh yeah, that's right. Now where's that moving van?"

All three boys look in the direction of the house, but the moving van is no longer there.

Edd- "What perfect timing, the moving van appears to be gone. I presume this means our new neighbor is all settled in."
Eddy- "Okay boys, I think it's time to pay a little neighborly visit."
Ed- "The best part of wakin up, is Folgers in your cup!"
Eddy- "Shut up Ed."

Scene 3

Ed- "But I want to ring the doorbell Eddy!"
Eddy- "Fine lumpy. Knock yourself out."

******DING DONG****** (my impressive interpretation of a doorbell.)

Ed- "Ha ha! That was fun! Lemme do it again!"

Double D grabs Ed's hand before he can ring the doorbell again.

Edd- "Please bear in mind Ed, self-control is a virtue when meeting new people. And above all, mind your manners. We mustn't make bad first impressions."
Eddy- "Geez, where are these people? I aint got all day!"
Edd- "Patience Eddy, the first day apon moving into a new house is often very hectic."
Ed- "I HEAR SOMEONE COMING GUYS!!"
Edd- "Please keep your voice down Ed."
Eddy- "Bout time already."

All of a sudden, the door flings open, to reveal a person carrying piles of boxes in their arms. They sway to and fro in the doorway as they struggle to get a glimpse of their guests through the obstruction of the boxes.

Person- "Oh Hi! (almost drops a box)…whoops!! That was close."
Edd- "Hello…uh….would you like some assistance with those boxes?"
Person- (sways) "Oh no that's……whoa!! (finds balance)…okay."
Eddy- "You sure?"
Person- "No really I'm FIIIIIINE!!!"

The person topples to the ground, scattering boxes every which way. One in particular hits Ed square on the top of the head, much to his unawares.

Ed- "Ha ha! Fly butterfly fly!!"
Edd- "Oh my! Are you alright?"

The person picks themselves up, dusting off their jeans before facing the Eds. It was a girl not much shorter than Double D, and not much taller than Eddy, with shoulder length red hair tied up in a pony-tail. The attractive girl with stunning green eyes catches the Eds off guard as she composes herself.

Person- "Phew! Never better. Okay, let's try this again (stands up straight) my name's Josie. You guys must be my new neighbors."
Eddy- (nervously) "Uh..yeah…we sure are."
Josie- (giggles) "I take it you have names right?"
Ed- "I am Ed!"
Josie- "Well hi there Ed. I could hear you yelling out here before."
Edd- "I told you to keep your voice down Ed."
Josie- (giggles) "And your name?"
Edd- "Me? Oh…well… (sweats nervously) Edd….but unlike Ed's name it's with two D's so…."
Eddy- "You can just call him Double D."
Josie- "Wow, two Eds, that's pretty amazing!"
Eddy- "It get's better."
Josie- (laughs) "Is that so?"
Eddy- "My name's Eddy."
Josie- "Well I'll be. THREE Eds? Now that's just freaky. (laughs). So, you guys wanna come in?"
Ed- "Do you have food?"
Josie- "Well of course. What kind of hostess would I be without offering my guests food. (winks.)"

Ed's stomach grumbles loudly

Ed- "……I'm hungry."
Josie- "Quickly, we must get some food into this boy's stomach a.s.a.p. (giggles) This way to the kitchen guys."

The Eds follow Josie through her house in the quest for nourishment for Ed.

Edd- (whispering) "Josie is quite charming, wouldn't you agree?"
Eddy- (whispering) "She's a babe!"
Edd- (whispering) "You're chauvinistic attitude leaves me in no way astonished Eddy."
Eddy- (whispering) "It's not my fault your afraid of girls and I'm calm as a cucumber around em."
Edd- (whispering) "So I'm a tad timid in the presence of females."
Eddy- (whispering) "Double D, you'd fall into a coma if a girl got close to you."
Edd- (whispering) "Now that's an exaggeration Eddy, and you know …."
Josie- "Okay guys, whattaya want to eat? We got…..(opens cabinet)……chips."
Eddy- "That's it?"
Josie- "Hey, what do you expect? We just moved in."

Ed whimpers pathetically like a dog.

Josie- "Aww here ya go Ed. I hate to see a boy go hungry."

She throws the bag of chips in the air.

Ed- "Arf!"

Ed catches the bag in his mouth.

Josie- "Well, that's it for the food. Now what?"
Ed- (crunching) "Wanna meet my little sister?"
Josie- "Oh yeah, I'd love to meet the other kids here. That is if they're as nice as you guys are."

She looks in Double D's direction and winks. He blushes furiously.

Eddy- "Well, I'm not sure if you'll EVER find guys as nice as we are. (smiles)."
Josie- (laughs hysterically) "I'm don't think so either Eddy. But I'll give it a try, you know, just for fun."

Scene 4

Jonny- "Say Plank, you're not cheating again are you?"

Jonny and Plank sit on the curb playing a rousing game of checkers.

Jonny- "Phew! You win again buddy. Wanna go two out of three?"
Sarah- "There, now Malibu Darbie has to make a decision…which of her two devoted boyfriends will she pick to be her one true love?"
Jonny- "Hmmm…I think she should pick commando Joe. Don't you think so too Plank?
Sarah- "No one asked you, fathead! (sweetly) Jimmy, what do you think?"
Jimmy- "I think pleaded skirts went out years ago Sarah."
Sarah- "No Jimmy, I'm talking about….oh nevermind. Why don't you….make the floral arrangements for our dolly's wedding?"
Jimmy- "Oooo goodie!!"
Jonny- "Plank wants to be the ring bearer!"

Nearby, the Eds and Josie stroll through the cul-de-sac toward the lane.

Eddy- "Ok, now here's some guidelines for our little cul-de-sac. It aint just peaches and cream ya' know. It can get kinda tricky if you don't play your cards right."
Josie- "Oh Eddy, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."
Edd- "It's just that we're concerned about how you may be treated by your new peers. We are all too familiar with the life of an outcast; we're no strangers of ridicule and exclusion."
Josie- "You guys? Outcasts? Nah, that's not possible."
Nazz- "Hey guys!"

Nazz walks up with a friendly smile on her face.

Eddy- (sweating nervously) "H..h..hey Nazz. Th…this is our new neighbor."
Nazz- "Oh that's so cool! Finally, another girl to hang around with. My name's Nazz."
Josie- "Hey, I'm Josie."
Nazz- (calling over to the others) "Hey guys! Come over here and meet the new girl!"
Sarah- "A new girl? Where?"
Jimmy- "What about the wedding Sarah?"
Sarah- "Oh that can wait Jimmy. Come `on!"
Jonny- "Let's go see, Plank."

Suddenly, a crowd forms around Josie. All the kids begin an inquisition of the newcomer.

Sarah- "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
Josie- "Nope."
Sarah- "You're lucky. I have an idiot for a brother."
Josie- (Turns to Ed) "Is this your sister Ed?"
Ed- "Huh? Uh…yea. How did you know?"
Josie- (giggles) "Just a guess."
Jonny- "Plank thinks your pretty."
Josie- "Oh really? Who's Plank."

Jonny presents her with his inanimate pal.

Josie- "Oh, that's uh…..nice. Tell him I said thank you."
Jimmy- "I love your hair Josie. What kind of cream rinse do you use?"

Suddenly Kevin and Rolf push their way into the circle.

Kevin- "Hey, what's goin on in here?"
Rolf- "Yes. Rolf would like to know what all the commotion is about."
Josie- "Um…that'd be me I guess. My name's Josie. I'm a….new here."
Kevin- "Oh yeah, I was wonderin when you'd come outta that house of yours. The name's Kevin."
Rolf- "And I am Rolf, son of a Shepard."
Josie- "Glad to meetcha."
Rolf- "Rolf is pleased to make your acquaintance as well."
Eddy- "Okay okay everybody, break it up. Enough smothering the new girl."
Kevin- "What's it to you, dork?!"
Josie- "Now now now boys, there's no need to fight."
Kevin- "Yeah, you're right Josie, this dork's not worth my time."

Eddy grits his teeth in anger.

Eddy- "WhyIoutta…….."
Edd- "Come `on Eddy, let's just go before we end up inflicting embarrassment apon ourselves."
Ed- "Like we always do?"
Edd- (sadly) "Yes Ed ……..(sigh)…… like we always do."

Glumly, the Eds depart away from the rest of the kids.

Kevin- "Good riddance."

Awestruck., Josie stares wide eyed as the Eds solemnly leave.

Josie- "The Eds were right, you DO outcast them."
Kevin- "Aww now don't tell me your on their side now."
Josie- "And what if I am?"
Kevin- "Josie, they're losers, pure and simple."
Sarah- "Don't forget how stupid they are."
Rolf- "Or the burdening of their constant scrams."
Kevin- "That's SCAMS Rolf."
Jonny- "Plank's still mad about that time they made him pro wrestle. Isn't that right Plank?"
Nazz- "I hafta admit, they ARE immature sometimes."
Jimmy- "…….Ed tried to eat me in his sleep once!"
Josie- "I'm getting the feeling you're not all that fond of the Eds."

Kevin nonchalantly puts his arm around Josie's shoulder.

Kevin- "You're better off as far away from those losers as possible. Stick with me, you'll be fine."

Josie casually flicks his arm off with a snicker.

Josie- "Heh, nice try there pal. I wouldn't hang out with you if you were the last selfish, pig-headed jerk on the planet. And seeing as though you're an everyday, run-of-the-mill selfish, pig-headed jerk, I have absolutely no problem in saying….."

Josie grabs Kevin by the shirt collar, and jerks his face only inches away from hers.

Josie- "…….in your dreams, dork!"

Josie releases Kevin, and painfully drops him to the ground with a thud. She casually dusts off her skirt, primps her hair in an aesthetic manner, and checks to make sure her mascara is still perfectly applied."

Josie- "See ya round Kevin."

Kevin attempts to get up, but promptly falls back to the pavement as Josie exits from the circle of kids and heads back to her house.

Kevin- (meekly) "Ouch."

Scene 5

The Eds sit in Edd's backyard (recently mowed, thank heavens) wallowing in their defeat of losing their new friend. Ed sits contently staring at the wall.

Eddy- "This bites."
Edd- (sigh) "I must admit this comes as no surprise to me. It was just a matter of time before Kevin corrupted Josie's attitude toward us."
Eddy- "She actually liked us at first. We might have actually had a GIRL hang out with us."
Edd- "I for one never pictured ourselves being in the casual presence of a female."
Eddy- "Well, you and that brain of yours were right Double D. We're NOT going to be in the presence of a female…or whatever. Thanks to that jerk Kevin, that is."

Ed departs from his wall-fixation fit, and starts to whimper again.

Edd- "Oh my! What's the matter Ed?"
Ed- (sniffling) "She…g..g..gave me potato chips! And n.n..now we're never going to see h..h..her again?"

Edd comforts his friend.

Edd- "It's okay Ed. We still have each other right? You, me, and Eddy. That's never going to change, right?"
Eddy- "Way to be gushy and sappy Double D."
Edd- "It's called sentimentalism Eddy."
Eddy- "It's called, someone call a doctor before I hurl my guts out!"
Josie- "The doctor is in! Now turn your heads and cough please."

Josie pokes her head over the fence with a grin.

Ed, Edd n Eddy- "Josie!"
Josie- "That's my name, don't wear it out."
Edd- "But I was certain Kevin turned you against us."
Josie- "Awww come'on guys. You gotta have more faith in me then that."
Eddy- "So you don't like Kevin."
Josie- "Kevin's a moron. You shouldn't care what he, or anyone else thinks about you guys. Cause you know what?…….ok, I'm all out of words right now. Little help Double D?"
Edd- "Certainly. (ah-hem) One should not belittle themselves for the sheer approval of their peers. Being yourself, and making decisions on your own account is the right thing to do, rather than allowing your self-image, and the opinion those have toward you take control of your life."
Eddy- "Say what?"
Ed- "…….oops. yup, my brain stopped."
Josie- "Well put Double D."
Edd- "You understood what I said?"
Josie- "Well yeah…most of it at least."
Edd- "My, that certainly is a first."
Josie- "Well, I guess there's a first for everything (winks.)"

~~~ THE END ~~~

…………for now! MUA HA HA HA (Why thank-you, that WAS rather sinister, wasn't it?)