Edd Of Little Faith
by: Blabber Mouse (Joseph Doyle)
In Peach Creek, the Eds are preparing a rocket for launching. It appears to
be glued pathetically together. Eddy has the control switch.
Eddy: 3…2…1…BLAST OFF!
He presses the button and the rocket blows up. Next door, Sarah and Jimmy
are doing the same thing, only their rocket is going up easily without
exploding and landing in the box.
Edd: Talk about “Yaw Control!”
Eddy: Yeah right! Can you help us?
Sarah: NO!
Eddy: Suit yourself.
A few days later, after some revisions by Edd, the rocket is in better
condition and able to hold a passenger.
Edd: All ready!
Eddy: Great. Now let’s get the passenger.
Ed: Here it is.
He holds up a box with a hamster in a spacesuit.
Edd: Let’s get him on the ship.
He picks him up and puts him on the ship. Eddy holds up the same switch as
he did before and counts down.
Eddy: T minus 5…4…3…2…1…BLAST OFF!
The ship speeds up and leaves dust all over the Eds. Meanwhile, on the town,
a bum sees the ship fly up.
Bum: WHOA! Talk about hallucinations! I’m off the hooch!
He throws his wine in back off him and a successful businessman catches it.
Businessman: Hey, Wine!
He lies down in the gutter. Back at the Eds’ launching pad, they look on
with pride. That is until the rocket flies out of control.
Edd: Eddy, the rocket’s flying off course!
Eddy: Gasp! (Holds up a walkie talkie) Okay Noodles. Here’s what you have to
do: There is a blue pull on the control pad. Pull it for a burn of 5.2
seconds.
Instead, Noodles pushes the eject button and flies into midair. The rocket
flies into the church, ultimately destroying it.
Edd: This is the worst thing you ever done!
Eddy: No it isn’t.
Over at the church, the people of Peach Creek are shocked. They talk about
what they should do.
Priest: What should we do now?
Johnny: Fixing this church should be our top priority.
Edd: Yes, but it will be a little expensive.
Priest: He’s right, but how are we supposed to raise money?
Nazz: Why don’t we write to David Bowie?
Priest: No, he’s already done enough for this church.
About a second later, a shadow appears which seems to have horns. It is Mr.
Kanker, the Kanker sisters’ rich and greedy father.
Mr. Kanker: I would be happy to help you, just let me run this church like a
business.
Jimmy: That’s nice of you of you to offer, but word around town is that,
Your Evil.
Mr. Kanker: Oh, don’t listen to that. Just do as I say and this church will
be back on its feet.
Priest: Okay, we accept.
Mr. Kanker: Excellent. (A cross falls on his head) OH! I will get yours.
In the church, a few days later, Mr. Kanker introduces a young woman to the
Priest.
Mr. Kanker: This is Sherri, my mortgage lawyer. Don’t let the skirt fool
you; she sure is a sweet one.
Sherri: I have an idea, let’s try to sell some ad space. (Holds up a tunic
that says “Sabraro” on it.) How would you like to wear this tunic?
Priest: Undignified and embarrassed.
Mr. Kanker: Well, it’s too late sucker! You already signed the deal.
Sherri: No he hasn’t.
Mr. Kanker: Well then, we will help keep your self-esteem, until you sing
the deal!
A few days later, some repairmen are at the church fixing it. A few are
carrying signs that say “Pepsi” and other products on them. Edd and Eddy are
watching nearby.
Edd: What are they doing?
Sherri: Oh, the old church was skewing pais; so we decided to fix it up a
bit.
Edd: By adding ads?
Sherri: I guess so.
A few months later, the church is fixed up. It appears to have a sign
featuring Jesus with a lassou on top of a sign that says “Blackjack
Thursdays.”
Edd: Why does Jesus have a Lassou?
Edd’s Dad: I don’t know.
Inside the church, there are a lot of signs advertising all sorts of things.
There is also a moneychanger.
MC Booth Guy: Moneychanger! Get your money changed right here in the temple!
Edd: I can’t think of anything more blasphemous!
Nearby, we see Eddy at the “Last Supper” photo stand. He sticks his face in
the hole where Jesus’ face goes. He makes all sorts of odd faces.
Eddy’s Mom: Do a nice one for Grandma.
Eddy: Fine.
He makes a simple smile.
Then, Edd and his family sit down at the pews, which are a lot like stadium
seats.
Edd’s Mom: These new pews are ultra-comfy.
Edd: Please tell me I’m not buying into this.
Edd’s Dad: Stop being so tough, you’re on the god cam.
Edd is on the stadium monitor. He folds his arms and makes an annoyed face.
The words, “Pouting Thomas” appears as everyone laughs.
The priest makes his sermon and struggles in the middle of it. Mr. Kanker
and Sherri are watching. They are not amused with what they are seeing.
Mr. Kanker: This is not good. He should do an ad before removing the
funding.
Priest: …Ur, um, and with special sponsorship from Crazy Eddie’s
Electronics, where TV prices are insane-ane-ane! And, now, a reading by The
Noid.
The Noid comes up to the podium about to read when Edd interrupts everyone.
Edd: THAT’S ENOUGH!!!
Everyone is shocked.
Edd’s Dad: Edward, stop this, this instant. I mean, look at you!
Edd: Everyone should look at himself or herself, and what their church has
become!
Priest: Now, Edd, it’s still the same basic church, we just dressed it up a
little.
Edd: Like the whore of Babylon?
Priest: That is a false analogy!
Edd: No, it’s apt. APT! Don’t you see what Mr. Kanker has done to this
church?
Man: He has replaced the lost!
Fat Guy: He super-sized the pews for us wide folk.
Man 2: He put ice in the urinals.
Edd: Those are all wonderful things, but they have cost this church it’s
soul and I for one will NOT be apart of it!
Edd proceeds toward the back door. A man stops him.
Man 3: You want your hand stamped, so you can come back in?
Edd: No. I am leaving this church and I am never coming back!
He speeds out the front door and shocks everyone.
Edd’s Dad: Oh, no! I don’t know how to feel!
Edd’s Mom: You should feel shocked.
Edd’s Dad: How does this sound? (Screams and cries dramatically)
Edd’s Mom: That’s a little too much.
Edd’s Dad: (Cries lower)?
Edd’s Mom: That’s okay.
Later on, Edd is in his room praying.
Edd: Oh, lord. I am not turning your back on you. I just want to have my
faith in you with less materialism.
Voice: Ohhhhh, Edward. Why do you have to be so different?
Edd: Mom, I know it’s you.
Edd’s Mom: Oh, sorry.
Edd: I can’t believe you are eavesdropping on my prayers.
Edd’s Mom: But I just want at least on person in this house to go to heaven.
Edd: I’m don’t think that god is a fantasy. I just think there’s another
path to him, or her.
Edd’s Mom: (GASP!) Oh, dear. He’s just kidding Mr. Lord!
A couple of days later, Edd is looking through a few books about different
religions. Eddy comes in.
Eddy: Still looking for a new faith, huh, Edd?
Edd: Yes.
Eddy: How about joining one of those religions where you eat a human heart?
Edd: No.
Eddy: How about Lutheranism?
Edd: Look, Eddy. I am not going to join a religion just because it looks
good; I am going to put some thought into choosing one that is suitable for
me.
Eddy: Why don’t you join Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching!
Edd: I need to take a walk.
Edd goes out to the town to look for a new faith. He passes many temples,
but does not go in. He stops at the Toontown Buddhism Temple. He goes in to
find Stan and Kyle from South Park.
Edd: Stan, Kyle, You’re Buddhists?
Stan: Of course. If I didn’t have inner peace, I’d crack.
Kyle: Why are you here?
Edd: I’m looking for a new religion, one that isn’t so materialistic.
Man: Well, you came to the right place.
The Man reveals to be Elroy Jetson.
Edd: Elroy Jetson?
Elroy: Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.
Stan: Ohh. It’s the most famous Buddhist!
Elroy: What about the fourteenth Dhali Llama?
Stan: The fourteenth what?
Kyle: The fourteenth incarnation of the high Buddha.
Elroy: It’s a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, ‘cause I got
the desire to kick your ass!
Edd: I’ve been told Buddhism can help attain inner peace, or is that all a
pipe dream?
Elroy: We all have dreams. Mine is of a free Tibet.
Kyle: I dream of Meatball Subs. All you can eat for two dollars.
Elroy: Good luck. (Hands Edd a pamphlet) This teaches the story of Buddhism
and the benefits of joining.
Back at his home, Edd reads the pamphlet. When he is done, he makes the
final decision to convert.
Edd: (Yelling out his window) I’m a Buddhist!
This scares the kids playing away.
Edd: Hey, I’m a Buddhist!
The Kanker sisters are scared.
Marie: Oh, my god! There is a shock that scared everyone before us!
Lee: Let’s run!
May: I’m with that!
They run back to their trailer.
Edd runs down to his parents.
Edd: Guess what, I’m a Buddhist!
Edd’s Mom: That’s not right.
Edd: Of course it is.
Edd’s Mom: I heard Buddhists don’t get deserts with their meal.
Edd: A Buddhist wouldn’t want any.
A few days later, Eddy is walking down the cultisack when he runs into Kevin
and Rolf.
Kevin: Hey, dork, heard Edd just converted to Buddhism.
Eddy: Who cares?
Rolf: I’ll tell you who cares. He has a beard, works as a carpenter, has a
lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
Kevin: His name’s Craton. He’s dating my Mom.
Eddy: I thought Mr. Gern was dating you Mom.
They all look at Mr. Gern.
Gern: No, wait. I can explain!
They beat him up. Eddy shrugs his shoulders and joins in.
Meanwhile, Edd is planting a tree.
Edd: If I meditate under this bodie tree, I might achieve inner peace.
Edd’s Mom: I still think you should switch back.
Edd: No.
At the church, Mr. Kanker is at a meeting.
Priest: So, when are you going to pay us our share?
Mr. Kanker: When hell freezes up! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA
He starts a cloud of smoke, it clears before he can make a getaway.
Mr. Kanker: Oh, Whatever! Just take it!
He throws a stack of twenties on the table, and then walks out.
Priest: Now on to other business, Edd, the devil son.
Edd’s Mom: He’s not a devil. I just feel awful for him.
Jimmy: Hey, I heard Christmas is coming!
Sarah: Santa doesn’t leave presents under the bodie tree!
Edd’s Mom: You want us to bribe him back with Christmas?
Jimmy: Of course! Bicycles and Masters of the Universe Action Figures are
much better help than this 2000-page-long sleeping pill.
He holds up a bible.
Edd’s Mom tells Edd’s Dad to put an angel on top of Edd’s Bodie Tree.
Edd’s Mom: It’s time for operation X-Mas remind of how good is. (A Pause)
JUST DO IT!
Edd’s Dad walks out and up to Edd’s Bodie Tree.
Edd’s Dad: Is it okay if I put this angel on top of your tree.
Edd: Well, it gives it a little flavor.
He does so. Then, he flips a switch in the back. It plays an instrumental
version of “Jingle Bells.” He dances along while Edd groans and walks back
inside.
Later, Edd’s Mom bakes Christmas Cookies. He offers Edd some but he refuses.
Because of this, she throws them out.
Eddy comes in.
Eddy: WOW! Trash Cookies. (Begins eating, then stops) Uh, I think I just
swallowed a dog food lid.
On Christmas Eve, Edd is still not back to his old self. He comes down to
find his family and friend Eddy caroling.
Edd: Uh, hi.
Edd’s Dad: You know, you do have a present.
Edd’s Mom: Guess no one told Santa told you were a Buddhist.
Edd: Look, no matter what you tell me, I am still…WHAT IS THAT?
It looks like a puppy is wrapped up.
Eddy: How should I know what this is? All I know is that his name’s Woffy
and he likes sugar.
Edd: What should I do?
His baby brother, Jake, comes up and offers him a candy cane.
Edd: For me?
He was about to take a lick when he saw the Priest in the window.
Priest: C’mon. Lick it.
Edd: NO!
He angrily walks out of the house. Everyone is disappointed.
Eddy: Can’t say we didn’t try.
The Wrapping paper tears to reveal that Ed was inside the whole time.
Ed: More Sugar, please.
Edd’s Dad: There’s a whole bag in the kitchen.
Johnny comes out afterwards.
Johnny: Alright!
He runs into the kitchen carrying his friend, Plank and Ed hops in with him.
Edd goes to the Buddhist Temple. Elroy, Stan and Kyle are meditating.
Edd: My family almost tricked me into celebrating Christmas!
Elroy: Excuse me, but were meditating. (Points to a sign that says
“Meditation in Progress.”) I was about to achieve enlightenment, but who
would want that?
Stan: Who likes short shorts?
Kyle: I like short shorts.
Elroy: If your family wants you to celebrate Christmas, they don’t have to
trick you.
Edd: They don’t?
Elroy: No. Buddhists can celebrate the events of other religions, as long as
they are based on love and companionship.
Edd: Does this mean I can celebrate Christmas?
Elroy: You can celebrate any holiday, and my birthday July 16.
Edd: I’ll send you an e-card.
Elroy: Sweet! Well, I’m going to spend Christmas with my family.
Stan: I think I could go visit Cartman, though he’s a fat-ass.
Kyle: I think Chanukah is still in session. Might go there.
Edd’s family is back at the house. They are upset because they did not find
Edd. Edd’s Mom goes back in so she can call the cops. When she is about to,
she finds Edd on the couch.
Edd’s Mom: Edward?
Edd: Hi, mom. I came to celebrate Christmas with you.
Eddy: So you’re back on the winning team?
Edd: No, I’m still Buddhist, but I can celebrate with my family, too.
Edd’s Mom: YES!
Edd: Now where’s that puppy?
Edd’s Mom: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Edd: Here Woffy! Here Boy!
THE END