The Legend Of Zelda

I'm going to dedicate this entire page to the greatest RPG(role playing game)series to ever exist: The Legend of Zelda!! Some would argue that Final Fantasy is better, but they're wrong. Don't get me wrong, I like the Final Fantasy games, but the LOZ games keep the same main character, game style, and intricate storyline in every game, and every game is always an instant hit. Link, the main character, remains relatively the same through out all the games. Generally he wears a green tunic, white under shirt, brown boots, and the same cool hat that's to hard to describe in words, so as soon as I have pics and screen shots you can see what it looks like. He wears a sword strapped to his back, and a shield over it, and carries a host of weapons and items, the most famous being the hookshot, a spring-loaded hook on a long chain, used to grappel onto high places. In most of the games, Link is very 'handsome'(as far as cartoons go)and has deep blue eyes and long blond hair, with bangs that hang down over his eyes. Oh, I can't believe I forgot to mention, HE'S AN ELF!!! He has long, pointy ears, but he's tall(as all real elves are, the elves up at the north pole are mutants. Elves aren't short and dont have beards). The character the game's named after is Princess Zelda, heir to the throne of Hyrule, were most of the LOZ games take place. She too is an elf . . . in fact, the majority of the characters are elves. NOTE: they aren't really elves, they're Hylians, but they look like elves. The main bad guy in the series is Ganon, aka Ganondorf to those of you who've only played Ocarina of Time, and also the namesake of my site. He doesn't have pointy ears, his skin ranges from piss-green to tan-brown, and he has bright red hair. He's the only male-born Gerudo in a century(the Gerudo are an Amazon-like race of all female bandits who live in the desert wastland. My theory is that they capture men, mate with them, kill them, and then give birth to a knew Gerudo female. But Ganon was the odd-'man' out, HAHAHA, get it . . . ?). The Gerudo don't have pointy ears either. At one point, Ganon was a giant pig-like monster. I myself have written a few LOZ fanfics, which you can see on Lauren Belisles site if I don't get them up here.

The Legend of Zelda: The Return of Ganondorf

Link: *walks in* Hello my friend, I am Link. That's right! Link. The Hero of Time tm, the wielder *twirls sword* of the Master Sword, the keeper of *hold up hand, Triforce glowing on it* the Triforce of Courage. Anyway . . . a few years back I helped lock Ganon, the great King of Evil, into the Sacred Realm. Oh, it was a fierce battle! *voice over* But just recently Ganondorf returned to Hyrule. *Peaks around wall. Ganondorf stands in garden* He claimed he was a changed man, that he had seen the light and put his dark past behind him *animals flock to Ganondorf, the garden darkens and a colom of light comes over Gasnondorf*. *end voice over* Yeah right! So I set off to spy on the thief. *voice over* *Ganondorf is siting on a stump, playing a flute, while two skull kids dance, Link pops up behind the stump with binoculars* At first I didn't see anything too evil, he didn't go around maiming people or anything. The song was catchy though! *sings* doo doo Doo, doo doo Doo, doo do do do Doo, do do doo do Doo! I knew he wouldn't do anything dastardly out on the open, so I snuck into his room at night, using my awsome ninja skills.

*Link, in black tunic and mask, hangs from the ceiling in Ganondorf's room. Ganondorf is in his bed, holding a stuffed animal that looks like the pig Ganon, muttering in his sleep*

Ganondorf: No . . . no . . . not the Master Sword . . . curse you Link . . . curse you . . . Zelda . . . no . . . NO . . . AHHHH! *wakes up* Oh . . . it was only a dream. *gets up and sits on the edge of bed* Oh, it makes me so angry. It makes me want to . . .

Link: *so Ganondorf can't hear him, talking more to himself* Yes?

Ganondorf: It makes me want to . . . !

Link: Yeeeeessss?

Ganondorf: Volunteer at the soup kitchen! *picks up stuffed Ganon* Come Ganny!

Ganny: *squeak*

Ganondorf: *Link moves across the room on the cieling* There's hungry mouths to feed! *Link slips and falls on Ganondorf, CRASH!* What?! Who is that?!? Oh Link! *Link strikes various ninja poses as if to fight* I'm glad you're here! I have something for you, heh heh heh heh . . .

Link: *thinks* This is it! C'mon GanonDORK . . . bring it on!

Ganondorf: Now where is it? I FOUND IT! *Link ducks and covers his head* I've been waiting a long time for this moment . . . *holds up a picture that looks like a two year old drew it. It's a picture of Link and Ganondorf holding hands, and says at the top 'Im sorry I made you sad!'* Can you ever forgive me?

Link: *takes drawing, confused* I . . . guess . . .

Ganondorf: *standing at the door to the room* Yes . . . that's wonderful . . . Now I must be off, make yourself at home. Oh . . . AND HELP YOURSELF TO ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE! *Zooms in on Ganondorf, maniacle laughter*

Link: Well, I figured Ganondorf didn't try to kill me there because he knew I would totaly kick his butt. *in the top right corner, an 8-bit renactement. Link his Ganon with his sword, Ganon dissapears and Triforce takes his place. Link picks it up, Zelda walks over, in voice bubble 'Make love to me Link!'* I remembered he was invited to Zelda's slumber party. I knew he was up to something . . . something *covers mouth* . . . EVIL! *shifty eyes*

*Ganondorf lies on Zelda's bed, the whole room is pink, Zelda, Malon, and Saria are sitting on the floor*

Malon: So Zelda . . . tell the truth! Do you have a crush on Link?

Zelda: *looks nervous* I'm not telling you . . .

Saria: C'mon! Tell us!

Malon: Spill the beans, girl!

Zelda: Yes . . . *blushes*

Saria and Malon: *giggles*

Zelda: What? You all do!

Saria and Malon: Oh yeah Oh . . . right . . . *Malon looks dreamily*

Saria: *looks over at Ganondorf* So what about you Ganondorf? Any seeecreeet crushes?

Ganondorf: Me and Nabooru used to be an item, *sits up* but she turned traitorous. I imprisoned her in a statue! Now she is nothing to me! *the room darkens*

Link: Oh here we go! Pent up rage!

Ganondorf: *eyes turn red* Ahh . . . whenever I think about it . . . I just . . . ! *room lightens, Ganondorf's eyes go back to normal* I . . . I . . . just . . . ! *covers eyes with hands and cries*

Link: Okay . . . first the crying . . .THEN the rage!

Ganondorf: Oh whenever I'm upset I eat! *picks up a bowl of chocolates and stuffs them in his mouth* *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH*

Link: Get with the rage already!

Ganondorf: *stops eating* I'm sorry . . . I lost control . . . Say . . . I have an idea that's to DIE FOR!

Link: *desperately* It's the rage! I know it is!

Ganondorf: LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!

*Zelda, Malon, Saria, and Ganondorf do the Chicken Dance*

Link: *pauses* There you have it. Undeniable proof that Ganondorf will one day come and smite us all! *in a rising tone* Smite us I say! SMITE US GOOD! *looks around, seemingly paranoid* They . . . they just can't see it yet . . . Are they blind?! Blind as a Keese if you ask me! Ohh . . . they'll see it, I'll MAKE them see it! They'll call me crazy! *voice keeps rising* But I'm not crazy! I'm the only one that's NOT crazy . . . ! *Navie slaps Link across the face* Thanks Navi . . . I lost control . . . C'mon, let's go fishing! *Nazi crosses and off the screen, Link gives an evil look, draws sword and shield, thinks* You're next . . . BAIT! Hahahahahahaha . . . Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The End

Things I learned from playing Zelda 64

By Riana

—    Who needs dry cleaning? You can wear the same set of cloths every day.

—    Fairies are annoying, no matter what color they come in.

—    That a tye-dye fairy might not be such a bad idea.

—    You can walk for days on end, battle giant monsters and run around a huge world performing tedious tasks on a single night of fitful sleep.

—    If you suddenly go into a seven-year slumber, don’t worry, your hair won’t budge an inch.

—    And your tunic gets bigger.

—    And somehow, you’ll wake up wearing white tights. I want to know who put them ON (Zelda: Wasn’t me! I swear! Y-you can’t prove a thing!)

—    The Invisible Man started his own monastery and that’s who sings in the Temple of Time.

—    Giant fairies can get away with wearing only vines, but the moment you try it…nooooo you get suspended…

—    You can keep a chicken in your tunic and be completely unnoticed.

—    Hylian guards need glasses.

—    Little girls’ voices, when singing, can echo farther than humanly possible AND still retain perfect pitch.

—    Be a boy scout: be prepared and carry elfish hats in red, blue and green.

—    Your horse is really, really, REALLY stupid. And I mean STUPID.

—    Ask your horse to jump a ten foot gate? No problem. Ask the same horse to come here, and she runs into a tree. Go fig.

—    In the middle of your quest, don’t forget to stop and adjust your tunic. Those things are terrible about riding up, and we mustn’t look bad for the monsters.

—    Oh, and another thing about the big snooze…you can sleep through getting your ears pierced twice. (kid link: no earrings; adult link: earrings)

—    Wanna be the volleyball champ of your school? Go practice beating back balls of life-sucking energy with only a bottle against a guy with really bad red hair and a receding hairline.

—    Speaking of Gerudos, it is somehow possible for an entire race to thrive with a male born once every 7 years.

—    Mustaches that grow crooked unaided are a mark of evil.

—    One word: “When Cuccos Attack!” Wait…that’s more than one word.

—    You don’t have to be a math whiz to beat this game.

—    Queen Gohma is the perfect villain for arachnophobic math flunkies everywhere. (notice the division symbol on her eye)

—    It’s entirely possible to have fire and ice for hair and not end up bald, burnt or hypothermic.

—    The title of “hero” forbids you to chew out elfin children a tenth your size and forces you to tolerate an attitude from them.

—    Money grows on trees. So go ahead, head-butt one; don’t worry, you won’t lose a single brain cell. The bigger the tree, the more money.

—    The park keepers at the Redwood National Forest in California want to ban this game because so many little kids have tried the above technique.

—    Iron boots don’t rust.

—    Wearing a tunic of scales automatically grants you the ability to breathe underwater.