by Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)



SUMMARY: Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan. Discussion of sex. Angst. Can Obi-Wan handle a life without love when his master tells him that both love and sex must be strictly controlled?

ARCHIVE: Please. As often as possible and wherever you like.



The candle had been put back, the wick stubbed out and the wax cooling.

Obi-Wan could no longer blame the smoke for the beginnings of tears in his eyes.

He paused there for a moment, attempting to assert control. At his age, all of sixteen years, it should have been easy. He was no stranger to emotion or to controlling it.

And yet, control came hard to him this night, and his meditation had only made it more difficult, not less so.

He realized, dimly, that it was not yet over.

The long, long day that had begun with anticipation of an unexpected pleasure had died into this. And it was not finished.

He'd had a rare quiet day with his master. A day to talk and contemplate and just be. Without the pressure of lessons or the thousand duties and disciplines a padawan must constantly be under. No, he had Qui-Gon all to himself.

Obi-Wan had been looking forward to it for a day, ever since he'd known about it. Had been on edge all morning today until the necessary minimum of meditation and practice had been gotten out of the way.

And then...

Obi-Wan reached out to the wall, using its solidity for balance.



Qui-Gon sat down, smiling. A rare, precious smile that Obi-Wan cherished.

He felt wanted, and was glad yet again to have his master's company today.

And then Qui-Gon spoke. "I need to speak to you about an important issue."

Obi-Wan nodded soberly. Yes. Get whatever his master had on his mind out of the way so that they could be together and have fun.

"It's about your growing adulthood." Quiet, assessing eyes watched him carefully, even as Qui-Gon's half-smile sought to reassure him. "We need to discuss the issue of love and sex."

Obi-Wan's posture stiffened. The Talk. They were about to have The Talk. He'd heard of it from other padawans, and knew it was standard. Standard. After a moment, he relaxed again. Yes, this could be gotten through in a minimum of time, and they could go on with their day as planned.

Qui-Gon's smile faded into a strong look of reassurance.

Obi-Wan felt a qualm of fear. What was so bad that his master felt the need to reassure him first?

"Obi-Wan, I have been aware of your changing emotions for some time, and your attempts to deal with them. You are of the age when such feelings are natural and to be expected."

He nodded.

"However, how you are dealing with these new feelings is unacceptable. I have a text for you to read called 'The Enemy Inside' that discusses the specific issues I wish you to work on in depth."

"Issues, master?"

"Yes, Obi-Wan." Hands firmly tucked into his sleeves, Qui-Gon said, "you have turned your feelings upon inappropriate subjects for your age. Indeed, at your current age, there are no appropriate subjects for you to turn it upon. And you have been projecting these feelings to anyone who is not shielded against such projections."

"Not appropriate..." He didn't know what to say. When, how? What was appropriate?

"Most definitely not appropriate. You must channel them to more appropriate ends. And times as well as places. For an adolescent such as yourself, the only appropriate time and place is in your bedchamber, either after all of your duties for the day have been performed, or before they have begun in the morning. And you're not to short yourself on sleep either, to pursue such experiences."

Obi-Wan knew the appropriate response. It was all he could say. "Yes, master."

Qui-Gon understood him better than that. "What I'm telling you may seem harsh, Obi-Wan, but discipline is the goal of the Jedi life. And discipline must start young. You have, until now, been under a child's discipline in these matters, now you will learn the discipline of a youth."

"I... will do my best."

His statement earned him an affectionate grin. "I know you will, padawan." Then the smile disappeared. "Because you will spend the rest of the day working on your shielding and studying the text I've assigned you. I also have both a mental and a physical discipline for you to add to your practices. They are to be used whenever you think an inappropriate thought."

Left unsaid was the implication that Obi-Wan would not commit an inappropriate action. Obi-Wan was expected to be able to control his actions.

Obi-Wan nodded again.

Instead of an afternoon spent in quiet sharing of their bond and of the joy of being alive and in the Force, Obi-Wan found himself saddled with new exercises that were more difficult than any he had tackled thus far, calling as they did for complete control of emotions and reflexes he'd thought involuntary. And calling, as they also did, for the utter loneliness of his heart.

Midway through the afternoon, Qui-Gon had abandoned him for a Council meeting, and Obi-Wan had left off his studying in order to think about what the new pattern for his life that he'd been given.

He needed to be cared about. Desperately wished for it at times. To be held and sheltered, to be wanted and needed. And now his master was telling him that these feelings were wrong, were a weakness to be purged as Obi-Wan might purge an unhappy or angry thought.

That his nebulous feelings of desire had to go, Obi-Wan understood. Control over the flesh -- that made sense, and indeed, he was not completely forbidden to pleasure himself, only to restrict when he might do so. It was not an onerous or unexpected duty.

But his master had said both love and sex. Which meant that his other feelings would also need to go.

He wanted to... to do something, but before his feelings could coalesce to a point where they could affect him strongly, he sent them into the Force, grounding them safely.

And set himself to run through the exercises he'd been given before resuming his study of the book.



Dinner had passed quietly, with Obi-Wan striving his utmost to keep all feeling away from himself, to be completely detached.

It wasn't something he was very good at, but then, he'd just started trying.

His master did him the courtesy of ignoring his fumbling, and retired early to bed.

And Obi-Wan had meditated, a candle flame as his focus. Meditated until he could not stand it any longer.

He pushed away from the wall, and felt dizzy. The tears were still close to the surface.

He didn't know if he could learn this lesson. Didn't know if he could survive if lack of love were the Jedi way. He'd have to. His life was dedicated to this, and becoming a Jedi was the only goal he'd ever had, but it was so hard...

He felt the cool tears around his eyes, on his lashes and beginning to roll down his cheeks. Self-pity. That was what he felt. A useless emotion.

He looked off to the right, toward his chamber. Blackness awaited him there. The coldness and discipline that was to be his life.

And he could not embrace it. Could not stand going in there.

But the only alternative was to leave the Jedi, to leave his master, the only person he truly loved...

...and love was an emotion he was no longer allowed to have.

Obi-Wan took a deep breath, and decided.

Stumbling footsteps took him to the circle of light that was his master's doorway, and within.

Qui-Gon was seated on the bed, legs stretched out, reading. He looked up as his apprentice approached. "Is something the matter, padawan?"

Obi-Wan went to his knees. "I must beg your forgiveness, although I have no right to it."

The bed moved, and then Qui-Gon's hand was touching his hair gently. "No right? Obi-Wan, please explain."

The gesture almost undid him as more tears slipped out. He kept them out of his voice with an effort. "I... can't do what you told me. I am weak. I have disobeyed, and in all conscience, I can't tell you that I will ever obey. If you have any kindness left in your heart for me, forgive me for this." The tears had slipped into his voice, despite his attempts to steady it, and Obi-Wan took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Any kindness? My padawan, what is the matter?"

"I can't do as you say. And I can't stay in the Jedi if I can't do as you say. So... please forgive me, master." He had no right to that word now, none at all. "P-please."

Solid arms enfolded him, and he was lifted into Qui-Gon's lap and held tightly. "Obi-Wan, my Obi-Wan, what troubles you so much that you would leave the Jedi for it? Please, let me have a chance to put it aright."

"Today's lesson. I... I can give up," he blushed despite himself, "sexual thoughts. I understand the need. But I can't give up love. If I give that up, then there's nothing left at all and I don't know any reason to keep on..."

He couldn't speak. The tears were falling freely now, and he pressed his face into Qui-Gon's shoulder, needing the comfort even if it was wrong.

He felt himself being rocked, felt the large palm against his head, cradling him close, and he continued to cry for all that he was giving up no matter what happened to him. Qui-Gon could grant this love to a child, but never to the man Obi-Wan was supposed to become. And if Obi-Wan left... there would be no Qui-Gon for him at all.

Gradually he became aware that Qui-Gon was talking, had been murmuring a litany of reassurances all along. "Hush, Obi-Wan. There's no need to cry. You don't need to give up that kind of love. Not ever. Without it, we would be machines. A Jedi must never lose his compassionate heart. Hush, it will be all right."

"It's all right?" he asked, looking up at Qui-Gon, face wet. Obi-Wan wiped his face with his sleeve. "You... you could still c-care about me?"

"Always, my Obi-Wan."

That brought on another bout of tears, which would have been distressing to Obi-Wan at any other time. At his age, he did not cry. Why, he'd been a padawan for three whole years.

But at the moment he could not help himself.

And after a time, he felt Qui-Gon easing him down, and tucking a blanket around his exhausted form.

When his master moved away, Obi-Wan roused himself enough to protest weakly, but Qui-Gon sat down again on the bed next to him, reader firmly in hand.

"Go to sleep, Obi-Wan. I'm right here."

He fell asleep to the caress of a hand against his hair.


-the end-