A Survivor's Story by Marsha Hammond

Chapter 1...First Remembrance




Once upon a time, there lived a little human girl named Missy. Missy was a very loving little girl
but as those around her observed, she was very shy. Missy liked it when people would call her shy because then they would not expect her to tell them anything about her family, her life, and her feelings. Missy housed a secret deep inside her and she would let no one in because inside there was pain and she wanted to forget the pain.

Missy's first memories of her daddy were of a big man with a deep voice standing over her playpen and trying to make her laugh. She didn't like this man but she didn't know why. She laughed because he tickled her. When he went away, her mommie would take her in her arms and rock her in the big rocking chair and sing to her.

The next memory she had was of waking up in her little bed very scared while this big man yelled
at her mommie and made mommie cry. This made Missy cry and when Missy cried, her daddy would stop yelling and come to her and tell her that she was just having a bad dream and to think happy things like kittens and pretty balloons and go back to sleep. He then would kiss her and tuck her in all snug. Missy couldn't understand any of this so she locked everything inside and would pretend to sleep so that he would not come back in her room. She wanted mommie but mommie never came at those times.

Miss grew and started school. She was called "the quiet one". She didn't mind. She made friends with her classmates and she locked herself away in a world of books and daydreams. She pretended she was
Cinderella and that someday a prince on a beautiful horse would come and take her away and love her and make her happy and never, ever yell at her or hit her like her daddy did to her mommie.

Why was daddy so nice and funny and kind one minute and mean and hitting the next? Were
other children's daddies like that too? As Missy grew up, she began to understand and that understanding brought more fear.

Chapter 2....No Answers, Only Questions





Missy played dolls happily with her friend Annie. They were sitting in the yard and having a tea
party. Her daddy came home from work and got out of the car and walked over to them. He sat on the lawn and wanted to know if he could join the tea party. Annie was happy to have him there but Missy was scared. She was afraid that he would be angry and hit her in front of Annie and then everyone would know the secret. Missy's fears were unfounded that day. Her daddy was in one of his kind and funny moods and at the end of the tea party, he gave each of them money so they could walk to the corner store and buy ice cream. All the way to the store, Annie kept saying how she wished her daddy was like that. This made Missy wonder if all daddies were like hers and maybe if she was very, very good, he wouldn't get angry and hit mommie and her. So she promised herself that she would be even a better girl than she was now, although she didn't know what else she could do but she would think of something.

More time passed and mommie now liked to take her to the cemetery to play. Mommie said it was a quiet place and she could play among the stones. Missy found a stone with little lambs and she liked to cover
the little lambs with her doll blanket and pretend that they were taking a nap. Mommy sometimes took a nap while they were there. Missy wondered why mommie was tired a lot and why she always had bruises from walking into doors. It was only years later that she learned that the cemetery was a place that daddy never though to look for them when he was in a mean mood.

One day, daddy came home with a puppy. It was a cute black puppy and Missy named her Cinderella. Cinderella lived many years and was a constant companion and friend to missy. Missy could sit and cry on
Cinderella and tell her everything that was bothering her and Cinderella understood and of course always kept Missy's secrets. Cinderella went everywhere with Missy except to school of course. She even went on vacation with her. Cinderella was the nicest thing to come into Missy's sad and frightened life. When Cinderella died, Missy was in her teen years, and it broke her heart. She had lost her best friend and the only one she could talk to. It was many, many years after Cinderella's death that Missy found a friend that she could tell her hopes, fears, and dreams to.

Missy was all tucked in bed most nights when Daddy came home from work. She would hear the car drive in the driveway and she would sneak out of bed and sit down at the window and just peak over the windowsill and watch him come in. Some nights he would walk right in and others he would fall out of the car and crawl in the house as if his legs would not support him. On those nights, she knew there would be more yelling and more beatings. She would run back into her bed and hold Cinderella tight and shake with fear.

Missy's mommie told her that she must never tell their "private" family business to anyone. Missy obeyed. She was sure that all families must be like this and each kept their secrets within the family. Even Missy
lied about her bruises, she just laughed and told people that she was clumsy. No one questioned her, they had no reason to. She came from the perfect middle class family after all. She had every material thing money could buy, her home was bright and cheerful, she went to the "right" schools, wore the "best" clothes and her parents belonged to the country club like all her other friend's families did.

As Missy grew older, she questioned what beer was and what whiskey was that her daddy drank all the time. She was told it was a grownup drink and when she was old enough she could drink it too. Missy understood that there were grownup things as she heard her daddy yelling that her mommie wouldn't be a "wife" to him. He threatened to rape her like he did to get her pregnant with Missy. Missy didn't understand what daddy meant by rape but she knew that it was something bad because Missy was the only child, mommie must have hated it and never wanted to do it again. Of course, Missy couldn't ask what it was and Cinderella had no answers so she held all this deep inside her with the other secrets and questions that had no answers.