Tonight on "Mobius Enquirer"--The Secret Life of...BIG THE CAT!!



By Chaos Theory T. Echidna

(Theme music plays. Unfortunately, it's not a perky little news-show tune, but rather, "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles. The announcer, a rather dim-witted turtle, doesn't seem to notice.)

Announcer: AND NOW, FOR YOUR VIEWING ENJOYMENT...THE EXCITING PREMIERE EPISODE OF...MOBIUS....ENQUIRER!!!!!! BY THE WAY, WHY AM I YELLING?!

(Camera pans around to show a typical interview-show set, only very, very chintzy and ugly-looking. It looks as if it was cobbled together out of old sets from the '70s--the furniture is all vinyl and other trashy synthetics, the carpet is shag, and the predominating colours are brown, orange, and avacado-green.)

Chaos Theory: (wearing a suit far too nice for her surroundings, she throws her long brown head-spines over her shoulder and snaps, irritably): Can't anybody do anything RIGHT anymore? Where's my theme song?

(Music changes to "The 1812 Overture", by Tchaikowsky.)

CT: Guys, if you don't get it right THIS SECOND, you're all fraggin' FIRED!

(Music changes again, this time to a cheap, flat, MIDI version of the "Starlight Zone" theme from Sonic the Hedgehog 1.)

CT: (sighs, shakes her head.) Close enough, I guess. Tonight I'd like to welcome our very first guest on this show, Big the Cat. Now, this is NOT an ordinary interview show, folks. Oh, no. Here, we ask the TOUGH questions. We're not afraid to get PERSONAL. Deep, down, and dirty. Bwahaha. (gets an evil grin on her face, then switches back to "sweet-mode" creepily fast). So, Big, glad you could make it.
Big: (sitting in an avacado-green vinyl beanbag chair, because none of the other furniture in the studio would hold his weight. Froggy is perched on his shoulder.) I'm glad to be here, Chaos.
CT: Don't call me that, you'll confuse me with that obnoxious water-monster person Cuisinart King just interviewed. Now, Big, let's start with the question I'm sure everyone is asking--how do you feel, as such a NEW member of the Sonic universe?
Big: Well, so far, everyone's been pretty nice to me. Sonic calls me a "slow-mo" every now and then but you can tell he just means it in fun. Knuckles is kinda closed-up around EVERYONE so I haven't talked to him much. Tails is a little bit afraid of me, and Amy doesn't like Froggy--says he's "slimy"--but on the other paw, she DID introduce me to the characters of the other parts of the Sonic universe. I especially liked meeting the people from the Archie comics. They are quite a colourful bunch! I like most of them, except for that Hershey. She told me I was a disgrace to cat-kind--huh, she's one to talk! At least I never pushed anyone to their "death"!--and said I should go on Jenny Craig, RIGHT NOW. So I told HER to go climb a tree. My weight is my own business. But generally, the fans and characters seem to have accepted me.
CT: And how do you find your role in Sonic Adventure?
Big: Well, first of all, I almost refused outright when Sega told me that my little buddy Froggy would have to EAT a Chaos Emerald! But then they reassured me that it was only a glass lump made to LOOK like a Chaos Emerald, and that Froggy wouldn't have to actually swallow it, so I agreed. My quest is kinda boring, actually. I guess I do have an important part to the plot--what that is, I'm under contract not to give away!--but mainly I just fish. Now, I LIKE fishing, but I'm not really as obsessed with it as Sega seems to think! And those parts where I had to go swimming in the Emerald Coast--ugh. Doesn't Sonic Team know that cats HATE water? At any rate, the game is called "Sonic ADVENTURE"...I would have liked to see a bit of that adventure come my way.
CT: Now let me ask you a more personal question. Big? What the heck kind of a name is BIG? I mean, that is SOOOOOOO dorky and unoriginal.
Big: (flattens ears and swishes tail for a moment, then composes himself) It's just what everyone calls me, I guess. All my non-cat friends anyway. My REAL name is unpronounceable by any non-feline race.
CT: (sarcastically) Oh? Let's hear it, then.
Big: MRRRRREEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWSSSSCRITCH!!

(All the glass in the room shatters, including Chaos Theory's glasses.)

CT: Ugh. Thank you SO much for that demonstration. Now, on to--

(The lights suddenly go out for no apparent reason. Starlight Zone stops playing, too. There is a lot of crashing, bumping, muttering, cursing, etc. General wackiness ensues for a few moments, until the lights come back on.)

CT: Okay, who turned off the power right when I was in the middle of a sentence?

(Stage-hand comes over and whispers something in her ear-hole).

CT: (half-aloud) You say this Internet program is being sponsored by Webtv? UGH. That explains everything, all right--including this decorator's nightmare of a set. (fully aloud) Anyway, Big (takes off her shattered glasses and sets them down on an end-table) now for my final question. Purple? What kind of colour is THAT for a MALE character?

(Music comes back in. Now it's "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees. Chaos Theory steadfastly ignores it.)

Big: Well, my fur is actually more of a blue-violet, you know....HEY!!! (comprehension dawns) Just WHAT are you implying?!
CT: I'm asking you if you're GAY, duh. This is a TABLOID show, remember? Didn't you read the disclaimer on your contract before you signed it?
Big: It was in Ancient Echidna!
CT: That's no excuse. The important thing is--you SIGNED it! So what's your answer gonna be, "Big-Boy"?
Big: I don't have to put up with this! I'm goin' over to "Sonic Talk" across the street--at least they RESPECT their guests there!

(He stands up and casts his fishing-line over a rafter in the ceiling, then works the hook-end down slowly behind Chaos Theory. She doesn't notice until it's too late--the hook grabs her by the back of her blazer and hoists her twenty feet into the air! Big then anchors the other end to her orange naugahyde couch.)

CT: HEY!! GET ME DOWN!! I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!!
Big: (smirking) Guess ya shoulda thought of that before you messed with someone so strong, huh? Come on, Froggy. Let's blow this popsicle stand.
CT: (to camera crew) GO TO COMMERCIAL!! GO TO COMMERCIAL!!
Announcer: Tune in next week for another exciting edition of "Mobius Enquirer"---we hope...



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444 curious tourists have stopped by to ask Big nasty questions since August 26, 1999. Of course, he beat the living snot out of all of them.