"Drug Prower
by Jeremy Harper
MSTed WITHOUT permission by Dr. Clayton Forrester (aka Chaos Theory T. Echidna), May 16, 2000. If Mr. Harper finds out about this, he will probably kick my butt and force me to take it down, so if you're going to read this MSTing, read FAST!
(Commercials)
(Satellite of Love bridge)
"JOEL!! JOEL!!" Gypsy ran onto the bridge from the left, almost colliding with the red-bathrobed human. "The asteroids! They're right here! We ran into them faster than we thought!"
"WHAT?!" Joel ran over to the window as fast as he could, nearly bowling over Tom Servo and Crow. "I never got a chance to finish the pulse cannon! What are we going to do?! Uh....raise shields, Crow!"
"We don't HAVE any shields, Joel," Crow pointed out.
"Uh....then...evasive maneuvers, Tom!"
"The Mads are the only ones who can control this ships' movements, and as you know, they're not exactly too helpful." answered Tom.
Joel nearly tore his hair out in frustration. "Then--then...." he suddenly sobered. "Crow, Servo, Gypsy, Cambot, Magic Voice--it's been nice working with all of you..." And he ducked underneath the bridge's counter and put his hands over his head. I hope explosive decompression doesn't hurt TOO much... he thought darkly.
Tom rushed over to the window to look more closely at the oncoming asteroids, Crow and Gypsy joining him. Cambot focused on the window, too, allowing the viewers to see what was going on outside. "Uh...Joel?" Tom called out, over his shoulder.
"Not NOW, Tom, I'm trying to keep from being killed!" came Joel's muffled voice from beneath the counter.
"Joel..." started Gypsy, but recieved no answer.
"Joel, the asteroids ARE FAKE!" Crow finally managed to get the whole thought out.
"Whaaattt...?" Joel slowly, unsteadily, got to his feet and wobbled over to the window. Sure enough, the "asteroids" were quite clearly just pieces of caramel corn being thrown past the window! Like in "Rocketship X-M". And they were just as light, fluffy, and HARMLESS as real caramel corn.
Joel looked at the asteroids in silence.
He kept looking.
He looked for a long, long time, or so it seemed.
"Uh.....Joel....?" Crow tenatively tugged at Joel's bathrobe sleeve.
"Ah-HA HA HA HA HA HA!!" Joel tilted his head back and LAUGHED, big and loud, then collapsed on the floor from the sudden relief of tension. "Well, it looks like the universe decided to play a little practical joke on us! Man the cargo-bay doors, Gypsy; let's capture some of these things and have us a nice big snack!"
"YAYYY!!!" The 'bots cheered and danced around in a circle.
Buzzers started sounding, the lights dimmed and the small coloured lights all flashed.
"One disaster down, one to go," muttered Joel under his breath. "MOVIE SIIGGGNN!!"
"BOOO!!!" yelled the robots, and stopped dancing. They all took off in random directions for the theater.
(Seasons 1.5.5 door sequence)
(They all enter the theater)
Sonic walked up to Sally at an uncharacteristically slow pace. She was reading a magazine, and didn't notice his coming.
JOEL: "Furry Femmes Weekly!"
CROW: Headlines: "How to bring out the 'animal' in your man.
TOM: "Tips for bringing spice back to your relationship after the mating season is over."
JOEL: And 15 delicious new chili-dog recipes!
"Sal?"
JOEL: (singing) "My Sal she is a spunky gal, singing Polly-Wolly Doodle all the day...
Sally jumped and landed back in her lawn chair which tipped over, causing her to land in a ball position, head up.
ALL: GYEAHH! Don't DO that!!
"Yes?" she asked, teeth clenched. Her blanket had covered her face, with nothing but her eyes showing.
CROW: Hhmmmm...wonder if that means she's NAKED under there...heh heh heh...
JOEL: Crow, these guys are pretty much naked all the time.
Sonic attempted to turn his head upside down, as to see her head right side up.
TOM: That sounds needlessly painful...
"I think you better see Tails..."
CROW: (as Sonic) "I tried to see him, but all I saw was a wall of blackness. Do you think the fact that it was 2 in the morning may have had anything to do with it?
Sally flipped the chair into a low tree branch.
TOM: Ya know, it takes practice and _talent_ to do that on the first try...
JOEL: And the crowd goes wild.
'BOTS: (flatly) Yay.
She dusted herself off,
CROW: With a fluffy red feather-duster!
TOM: (singing) She worked in a satellite loading bay, just polishing switches to pay her way...
JOEL: (sighs)
and then followed Sonic. When they reached Tail's hut, Sally was a bit suspicious.
TOM: (as Sally) I thought Tails' name was plural! Where did this new "Tail" person come from?
CROW: Ask Lex Concord that one...
"Sonic, what is going on?"
JOEL: Yeah, story, we'd appreciate it if you'd tell US, too...
"Well, you better see..."
Sally turned around and stopped Sonic. "WHAT IS GOING ON?"
TOM: Geez, Sally, you don't have to SCREAM at him...
"Uh...Tail's is being seen by Bookshire, and he's in...in...a...co-"
JOEL: Coat?
TOM: Comfy sofa?
CROW: Combi-Catcher?
TOM: FANBOY!
Sally had by this time raced into the hut.
CROW: And came in second!
TOM: (speak-singing) She's going...for distance....she's going...for speed....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOEL: She sees the finish line! Thanks for setting up that "race" gag ahead of time for me, guys...These line-jokes are getting HARD!
CROW: Anytime.
Sally's voice echoed through the forest. "WHHAAAAAATTT!?!?!?!!"
TOM: Either Sally has a REALLY powerful set of lungs, or that is one small forest.
"He's in a coma. We have to wait till he gets back to find out. In the meantime, we can keep him in my clinic."
JOEL: Wait, I'm confused. If Tails is in a coma, how come they have to wait until he gets back? I would assume he's not even able to MOVE, let alone travel...
Sally breathed deeply. "I'll be back in a while. She walked out of the room and into Tails' hut.
ALL: TOGGG!!!
JOEL: (to the audience) That may be Megane 6.7's in-joke, but we just HAD to use it ONCE. Sorry.
"NICOLE. Anything in here that could have caused this?"
"*One moment.*"
TOM: A little hourglass emptied itself slowly on Nicole's screen...
"*Nothing.*"
CROW: (as Nicole). MAYBE THAT DANGEROUSLY ADDICTIVE DRUG I FOUND IN TAILS' SYSTEM HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
"It must have missed SOMETHING!"
JOEL: Maybe that mysterious line that keeps following us around has something to do with it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: At this juncture, I would just like to comment that this plot is TOTALLY a rip-off of Bookshire Draftwood's own story, "Orcium". Which was itself bad enough to get MSTed at Web Site Number Nine. The difference is, "Orcium" was shorter and didn't have as many sub-plots. We now return you to our Tuesday Afternoon Movie, already in progress, on The Comedy Channel.
Jonathan touched a few keys on his computer, Chris.
JOEL: (breathy) Oooh, I love it when you touch my keys, Jonathan...
CROW: Joel, the first time it was kinda funny, but now you're starting to creep even ME out.
JOEL: (embarrassed) Sorry.
"*Linking to Robotropolis computer. Please wait*"
TOM: Several years later...
A few seconds passed. "*Loaded. Activating search command. No new files.*"
CROW: (as AOL voice) "Welcome! You don't have mail!"
"Disengage from Robotropolis computer.
TOM: I wasn't aware that Chris and the Robotropolis computer were getting ready to be married in the first place...
Load NICOLE."
CROW: In the satellite loading bay!
JOEL: STOP that!!
"*One Moment*"
TOM: Dang, I hate this annoying muzak they always play when they put you on hold...
A second passed. "*NICOLE loaded. Activating search command. Two new files. Diary 12-26-3045.txt and Tail's room Scan.bmp*"
CROW: Oh, my, GOD! When I made those jokes about "scanning" people and things earlier, I didn't think the story was going to take it LITERALLY! GAH!
"Load Diary 12-26-3045.txt."
"*Loading*"
TOM: INTENSE! LOADING! ACTION!
A text file appeared on Jonathan's' screen.
JOEL: It was the unMSTed version of "A Sorceror, A Demon, and Emeralds."
'BOTS: AAAAAHH!!
JOEL: Remember: Friends don't let friends read "ASADAE".
"I'm so worried about Tails! He doesn't respond to us, and we know that he's in a coma. I don't know. Tail's hasn't ever done anything like this before!
CROW: Yeah, how DARE he go into a coma without our permission?!
I didn't think he had something, a disease, anything, that would have caused this!" The computer displayed more, but Jonathan had what he needed.
JOEL: A warm blanket.
He grabbed his jet pack and Chris, and walked outside. He was walking to the edge of the Wolfpack village, and felt something.
TOM: It was...almost as if he was being watched, and mocked, by three shadowy figures...
It was as if someone was following him. He made a detour
CROW: Oh, great, he's one of those annoying road-construction workers are CONSTANTLY blocking off the main highways around here for no good reason...
to an open clearing and then quickly jumped and turned around.
JOEL: No particular reason. He just felt like dancing all of a sudden.
He found a female wolf trying to quickly hide.
TOM: (as "female wolf") Oh, NO, it's Jonathan! RUN AWAY!!
"Hiya, Katrina. Why are you following me?"
"Why do you think?"
JOEL: She doesn't have a life?
CROW: No, that would be the author.
JOEL: (rips Crow's other arm off and tosses it on the floor of the theater.)
CROW: HEY!
JOEL: Behave.
"You like following me?"
TOM: No, she just likes following EVERYbody. She's a stalker...
"Part of it...
"You want to see Knothole Village?"
"Part two..."
TOM: (as Jonathan) You want to make the reader sit through some more really crappy dialogue?
JOEL: (as Katrina) Part three...
"And you want to see Sonic?"
"Got it!"
Jonathan looked Katrina over.
CROW: SAAAAaayyyy....
TOM: Hubba-HUB-ba!
JOEL: Has anyone called dibs yet? Uh--DIBS!
She had white fur around her mouth, which had a small gray streak. Her headfur was light gray, while her arms and legs faded from gray to brown.
TOM: Ooh, she's already fading, and at such a young age, too. Poor girl...
"As long as you bring your own jet pack."
"I've got it right here. Let's go."
TOM: It's COMMANDO KATY!
CROW: (as Homer Simpson) We've got all the fireworks we need right here.
They both stepped on the back of the packs and launched toward Knothole. They used wrist controls to fly toward a certain stump.
JOEL: (snickering) Better than Cody's nipple-knobs, at least...
CROW: Oh, THAT stump. You know, the special one. That.
They jumped off the packs and controlled them to fly back to them and made them drop into a bush.
TOM: Just for the fun of it!
Jonathan swung on the vine,
JOEL: (imitating Tarzan) Aaaa-oh-ah-ah-ahhhh--eeeeiiii!!
CROW: CRASH!
TOM: Watch out for that tree, Jonathan!
and jumped in, followed by Katrina. They snuck through a back alley to Bookshire's hut, and snuck in the back door.
JOEL: What's with all the sneaking? I thought Wolf Pack members were allowed in Knothole any time, being another branch of the Freedom Fighters and all...Oh, great, Crow, you're rubbing off on me!
"At least that one is well oiled."
"Huh?"
CROW: We don't get it either, Katrina.
TOM: Or rather, we do, but we don't think it's funny.
"Never mind. Now, let's see, Tail's room is," He clicked a button on Chris, "133."
"Okay."
JOEL: (as Katrina, dumbly) Duhhhh...whatever you say, boss...duuhhh....
They walked down a hallway, stopping at room 133. They stepped in, and looked at Tails.
TOM: Joe Estevez was standing over him with a black ring, that was starting to glow flourescent green...
CROW: Oh, NO! We got an unconscious company mascot here! Nurse, get me 10 cc's of espresso, STAT!
Katrina sighed. "Looks like a nice kid. What happened to him?"
JOEL: (as Jonathan) We found him laying face-down over a printout of this story...
"A coma. It's been about," he glanced at his watch, "20 minutes."
TOM: Pretty short coma, then. With that small an amount of time, maybe you should just assume it's a NAP and let him wake up on his own, eh?
Katrina shook her head. "Why? From what you've told me, he's pretty smart, and healthy. What could have triggered this?!"
"The question of the hour!"
"Uuuuh."
CROW: (as Katrina) Oooohhh, excuse me, I gotta go throw up suddenly. Uuuuuh. Okay, now I feel better.
"What was that?" Jonathan asked quickly.
TOM: Katrina throwing up, stupid!
"UUuuh. Ooo boy."
JOEL: Poor girl. What did she EAT for lunch today, anyway...?
"TAILS!"
CROW: GAH! Hopefully she didn't eat THAT...
TOM: I hear Tails tastes like chicken.
"Oh. What?" Tails groaned.
"Katrina! Go get Sonic and Sally."
"Right!" Katrina ran out to alley, and ran to Sally's hut.
JOEL: Then she ran around the corner, and she ran around the block, and she ran right into the bakery shop...
Sonic was there with her.
"SALLY! SONIC!"
They both jumped out of an embrace.
ALL: GYEAHH!!
TOM: Too Much Information Theater presents...
"What?" they asked in unison.
"It's Tails! He's coming out of it!"
"WHAT! Let's go!" Sally exclaimed.
As they ran to the clinic,
CROW: Goddess forbid anybody should ever WALK in this story...
Sonic asked who Katrina was. "Friend of Jonathan's. I understand you've met him?"
"Yeah!"
JOEL: Unfortunately.
They ran to room 133, where Jonathan was asking Tails what happened.
TOM: (as Tails) Well, this dude in, like, a long black coat came along, and he like, took my soul 'n' stuff, and ever since then I have been feeling great! Ya know?
"It was great, like I was on an Island, near an Emerald Sea. I snapped out of it to play basketball, and then I fainted after a while."
JOEL: (singing) Set an open course...for the Emerald Sea....
"But how did you get there?"
Sonic spoke, "Yeah."
CROW: He plugged in his Dreamcast, you doofus!
Tails glanced up, and then looked back down, because of the now enhanced light behind him. "I got a little candy from a friend."
TOM: It's my Mother's Little Helper.
"Friend?" Jonathan asked.
"Yeah, J.P."
"AGAIN! Well, well. Now, I will get him. He has gone TOO FAR!" Sonic screamed.
TOM: YIKES! Geez, Sonic, try not to shatter the window-panes, there...
JOEL: (as Ken the Fugitive Alien, again) "NOW...YOU...DIIIIEEEE!!!!"
"AAaa! Not so loud!" Tails said.
CROW: Wow, Tails agrees with us!
"I don't know of a J.P. Can someone tell me about him?"
TOM: Just read the earlier part of this story.
"Sure." Tails growled for a second,
JOEL: Because he was a type of dog, after all, and that's what dogs do when they're upset.
because of a pain in his neck, and then continued. "J.P. is about 4 feet high, a red fox, male, with dark blue eyes. I work out with him almost every day."
'BOTS: (in chorus) He likes it VERY MUCH!
"Really. Oh. Well, would you take me there?"
JOEL: (in high female voice) No! Get BENT, you computer-loving turd! (as himself again) Wait, where did THAT voice come from...?
"Who ARE you?"
CROW: And what do you want?
TOM: NEVER ask me that question!
"Jonathan Starwolf. I was here about a month ago."
TOM: (singing, dramatically) This is the song, written for the sick fox,
They're all afraid, he's gonna die,
ALL: HE TRIED, TO KILL ME WITH A FORKLIFT,
TOM: (spoken) Huzzah!
"Oh yeah."
JOEL: I remember you, I just don't choose to acknowledge that your existence has any importance in the universe whatsoever.
Sonic interrupted, "YEAH. Now, will you take us there?"
"No. He wanted me to keep his place a secret!"
"OH YES YOU WILL TELL US-"
TOM: Or else we'll torture you with bad dialogue!
"Sally?"
"WHAT!"
"Leave him alone. Would you come out side with me for a sec?"
JOEL: Put up your dukes, Sal. Let's take this outside!
"Alright."
Outside Jonathan whispered into Sally's ear his plan. She giggled, and then nodded.
CROW: (as Sally) Hee hee hee. Oh, Jonathan, I love it when you whisper sweet nothings in my ear...D'OH! Now you've got ME doing it, Joel!
JOEL: Turnabout is fair play, Crow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOEL: The world's lamest connect-the-dots picture.
Tails walked out of his hut,
TOM: Without bothering to open the door first....
about 7:30, and headed west. He didn't know that he was being followed by a dark form, almost like a shadow.
CROW: A fox leaves his house and heads west at 7:30. A shadowy form leaves his hiding place and heads northwest at 8:00. If the fox is moving at approximately 2 miles per hour and the shadowy figure is moving at about 5 miles an hour, when will they meet?
JOEL: Uh.....42?
It was on a silent JetPack.
TOM: (snickering) A SILENT JetPack? How'd they pull THAT one off?
JOEL: They ran out of money and couldn't afford to make the sound effect, is all.
Jonathan pulled out a black pair of binoculars. He looked and saw Tails, going full speed towards a clearing. He clicked off his jetpack and headed into the clearing. He saw what looked like a log cabin. He heard a CREAK as Tails entered. Jonathan snuck to the window, and looked in.
CROW: NO-one will be seated during the climactic FOLLOWING SCENE!!
In the workout lodge Tails was warming up with a red fox. Soon they got on a pair of treadmills. Then they went to weights.
TOM: Then they did excercises of some kind. Then they got tired. Then they went home. Then they fell asleep. Then they..
After a workout,
JOEL: Notice the intense descriptions here...
they pulled out what looked like some water from a refrigerator.
CROW: Not in glasses or anything. Just water. In their bare hands.
"Chris, is there ANYTHING wrong with this picture?"
"*Two things. One,
TOM: Most of the time, people store their water in containers of some kind.
Tails would normally went somewhere with Sonic rather than this fox.
Two,
JOEL: My grammar is all messed up.
Tails would not do this WITH Sonic, or at least not much.*"
CROW: Tails is actually a pathetic, lazy wretch...
"Do a passive scan on J.P., to find out historical info on him."
TOM: Then do an active scan.
"*SCANNING*"
"*J.P. Anderson has no notable history, except for a criminal record.*"
JOEL: (as Chris) And I have just made his head explode. Is that a problem?
"What is on his record?"
CROW: New Kids on the Block, Hanson, Backstreet Boys, Debbie Gibson, Britney Spears, Jackson Five, Menudo...
TOM: (as Jonathan, shocked) Good GOD, man! He likes "kid-bands!" He must be killed INSTANTLY!
"*Four drug dealing charges, three armed robbery, one murder.*"
CROW: I think our "record" was worse, still...
"And this is one of Tails' best friends."
"*Affirmative.*"
JOEL: (as Jonathan) I don't see any problem with that. Let's go eat.
"Okay. We'd better get back to Knothole."
Jonathan clicked his remote control
TOM: From one channel to the next at an INCREDIBLY annoying speed...
and shot
CROW: Everyone down in their tracks.
back through the forest to Knothole Village. He dropped by Sally's hut.
JOEL: No, actually, he dropped ON Sally's hut. That jetpack's steering device still needs work, you see...
He silently opened the door, and saw Sally working on Nicole. He startled her by tapping on her right shoulder.
TOM: (as Sally) GAAHHH!!! (jumps into the air, stretches his long neck out, and somehow manages to knock his theater seat over.)
CROW: You gotta be careful about startling Sally! Next time someone does that, who KNOWS how far she'll end up throwing her furniture...?
JOEL: Wow, Servo, I didn't know you could jump that hard...(Fixes Tom's chair and places him back on it.)
"You have a knack for that don't you?"
CROW: No, he's a weasel. Oh, wait, you said KNACK with a "K", never mind...
"Maybe. I have info on J.P. Anderson."
"And?"
TOM: What, ya think I'm gonna give you the dirt for FREE? Pay up, Princess!
"And he has a criminal record, with four drug dealing charges and a murder charge. As well as three armed robberies."
"Not good. Tails is spending time with a drug dealer, robber, and murderer."
ALL: THANK you, Princess Exposition!
CROW: Yes, count on the Department of Redundancy Department for ALL your repetition needs!
"So what do we do?"
"I was going to ask you."
JOEL: What do you wanna do, Marty?
TOM: I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?
"I think maybe search Tails' room."
"Okay."
CROW: I like that idea it sounds good I'm scared I like Coke.
JOEL: (shaking head) This is NOT a badly-dubbed Japanese movie, Crow!
TOM: It might as WELL be...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOEL: The skid-mark that Jonathan's "silent" jetpack left on Sally's roof.
Jonathan walked into Tails' room,
CROW: ...making a Jonathan-shaped hole in the wall as he did so...
and clicked open Chris.
"Look for any drugs in here, especially Trigamistamine."
JOEL: Awfully complicated-sounding name for "goofballs"...
"*Searching.*"
"*Match for Trigamistamine found.*"
TOM: (as Chris) *Inside your body, Jonathan.*
Chris shone a green light
CROW: (singing) Turn on your HEART-LIGHT...
JOEL: (shuddering) You know, as glad as I am that you're not doing the "Angels' Revenge" joke anymore...
on the jar that held the candy. "Looks like chocolate candy," Jonathan remarked.
"*Only source of drugs in the room is pointed out.*"
TOM: (as Chris) *Idiot.*
"I'd better get this to Bookshire, at least a sample."
Jonathan pulled out one of the candies, and brought it to
CROW: His mouth...
Bookshire's clinic. "Book? You in here?"
"In the office, Jon!"
JOEL: You know, the office seems like an odd place to keep a bathroom...oh.
Jonathan walked into the office, and placed the candy on Bookshire's desk. "It seems to be what caused that incident last night."
CROW: Well, that, and I got drunk and danced around with a lampshade on my butt.
"A piece of candy?"
"Yeah. Trigamistamine, according to my computer."
"I'm not very fluent in drug languages. Can you give me some info on it?"
TOM: "Trigamistamine" is a fancy-schmancy sounding medical technobabble word made up by the author. Don't worry about it.
"Chris?"
"*Trigamistimine is a hallucagen,
JOEL: Rule Number One of Writing Without Looking Stupid, Jeremy: First, before _using_ any long words, please, learn how to SPELL them properly. Thank you.
and highly addictive. It causes high blood pressure, damages the digestive and nervous systems, and effectively 'knocks out' a person for 8 hours.
CROW: And worst of all, it gives them HOCKEY-HAIR!
(All gasp.)
JOEL: Wait, why IS it called "hockey hair", anyway? I never did get that...
It was first developed when a elderly scientist, Peter Jenson, was working with fungi. He felt strange, though only for a couple of minutes. He tested it, and enhanced it,
TOM: Then he REALLY enjoyed himself! WHOO!
thinking it could be a useful anesthetic. People found it to be highly addictive, and quickly abused the drug.
JOEL: They whipped it, called it names, and refused to feed it for days on end.
It is hard to find, for the most part, though. It's street names include 'Imagination', 'Trigger', and
CROW: "Stinky".
'Optimum'*."
"Ooh. Not good. So what do we do?"
ALL: PANIC!!
"I think I'll have a little talk with J.P. Anderson, tonight."
JOEL: (in "thug" voice) Yeah, I'm gonna have a "talk" with him. Just me and my brass knuckles! Heh heh heh.
Bookshire let out a low whistle. "Well, hope he doesn't murder you."
CROW: I mean, I hope he DOES murder you. I sorta messed up and said it wrong there, the first time...
"Sally told you?"
"News travels fast in Knothole."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOEL: There goes the news! ZOOM!
In the dark of night, Jonathan snuck into the clearing where the workout center was. He glanced into the darkened center, and saw nothing.
TOM: Maybe because it was DARK, ya think?!
He pushed open the door and began to search the workout center. Though he did notice a foreign object in the water,
CROW: It was speaking with an accent, that's how he knew it was foreign.
he did not see a shadow moving from behind a weightlifting machine. The shadow snuck to the light switch, and clicked them on. Jonathan jumped, as his eyes adjusted to the light. He turned around, and saw J.P.
JOEL: (sarcastically) Oh I am so surprised. I never thought it could have been him.
"So. We meet again," Jonathan remarked.
TOM: For the first time, for the last time!
"Yes."
"What are you DOING here?"
CROW: Oh, just a little light thievery, maybe work in a murder or two if my schedule permits. You?
"Trying to live a normal life. With a good friend I believe you know. He's told me a lot about you."
"He doesn't know much. But stop the charade.
JOEL: Two words...first one sounds like..."ice"..."mice"...NICE! Nice....second word...
I can tell. I've known you for a long time. I even know you managed to rack up a criminal record."
"Did I? My, my, my! You'll have to excuse me."
"Right," he sarcastically.
CROW: ENOUGH with the witty, articulate repartee!
Jonathan glanced around. "How did you build this place without the Knothole freedom fighters knowing?"
"I borrowed a holographic generator from a friend.
TOM: And just who WAS this friend...Geordi LaForge?!
It set up light images, so no one could see. Besides, most freedom fighters don't go this way, but stick to main trails."
JOEL: Most Freedom Fighters have something we like to call "lives".
"Interesting. But now, what was the point of giving Tails a dose of trigger?"
"Trigger. An interesting name. No, I never gave Tails that."
"Then what do you call it?"
CROW: Timmy!
TOM: Nummymuffincoocolbutter!
JOEL: Pintoozler!
"Optimum. Your pathetic computer, (Chris wasn't it?) could not tell you the name of a candy."
JOEL: Oooh, burrrnnn....
Jonathan walked closer. "It did. But you have given a friend of mine a dangerous drug. Now, tell me why."
"Okay. Money. It always happens."
TOM: Uh, Tails wasn't exactly rolling in dough, last time I checked...
"REALLY? So. What good does money do you in a world like this?"
"It will get me what I need from Nack."
'BOTS: AAAAHHHH!!
JOEL: Calm down, guys. Nack hasn't turned anybody into an egg yet in this fic. We can handle it.
"The weasel?"
CROW: No, the CHEESE-GRATER! Duh, who did you _think_ I meant?!
"That's the one. He has a nice couple of replicator cards, which would be VERY helpful to my survival."
TOM: REPLICATOR? Oh, no, no, no, it's the crossover part, Mommy, hold me, I'm scared...
(Joel puts his arm around Tom's shoulder.)
"Survival? You could have gone to Knothole, or another village. Why depend on crime?"
JOEL: Dunno. S'fun!
"I am an outcast. My family deserted me when I was an infant, and now, I can barely even live a day without crime for survival. Not even Sally could accept me. You have the Wolf Pack, but me. I'm a fox. I don't belong there."
CROW: (sarcastically) Oh, boo, hoo, hoo. Our hearts are REALLY _bleeeeding_ for you, J.P. Uh-huh. Sure.
TOM: Yeah, if you had told us this stuff BEFORE you got an innocent nine year old hooked on deadly hallucinagens, we MIGHT have been able to feel sorry for you!
Jonathan receded a little.
JOEL: Or was it just his hairline?
CROW: YOU'D know about that, wouldn't you, Joel?
JOEL: HEY! (feels his hair nervously...)
"Alright. But keep in mind. If you hurt anyone in my friends, I will be back. And I will do more than just talk. Which means I will remove the rest of the drug from Tail's room tonight."
TOM: ("announcer voice) "GHANDI II! He's back. And this time, he's ready to KICK. SOME. BUTT!"
"Go ahead. He's already hooked."
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JOEL: See, there's the fishing-line that J.P. used to "hook" Tails...
'BOTS: BOOO!
Jonathan stepped out of the center. "Get it Chris?"
"*Every word.*"
TOM: (as Chris) *For what that's worth.*
"Good." He tapped his Jet control, and jumped on the JetPack. "Now, we'll get this to Sally."
By the time they got to Sally's hut, it was about 10:00 PM. He glanced in the window, and saw her sitting on a couch with Sonic, watching a video
CROW: And snuggling under an old blanket together, eating popcorn...
in Nicole's databanks. He tapped softly on the door.
"Come in," Sally's voice sounded.
JOEL: That is one STRANGE doorbell...
Jonathan opened the door. He walked in and sat on a stool by her desk.
TOM: Hey, look, someone FINALLY entered a building or room in the CORRECT way!
"Well, I just got back from J.P.'s workout center."
"And?" Sonic asked.
CROW: (as Jonathan) Boy, are my arms tired! (rimshot).
"Listen."
Jonathan pressed a button on Chris, and played the tape. Sally sighed. "Already?"
JOEL: (as Sally) I can't believe I'm hearing the last part of the story re-capped for me so SOON!
"Yes, I'm afraid so. And if the trigamistamine dose was enough to addict him, it will be hard to even convince him that he needs to quit."
TOM: A few sharp blows to the head with a very large hammer should do the trick, though...
"Great. So how do we get him off?"
"You heard the tape. I'm taking the candy away. I'll hide it somewhere safe."
"Okay. You can take care of it."
CROW: (as Sally) It's not like I care enough about Tails to get up off my own lazy butt and even TRY to help him in any way whatsoever, after all...
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JOEL: Well, we got the rope to hang J.P. with. Now we just have to find the right tree...
Jonathan clicked open the window of Tail's hut. He slipped his hand in and grabbed the box, and shut the window again.
TOM: (snickering) That was EMBARRASSINGLY easy!
He went to the edge of Knothole, and jetted toward the Floating Island.
CROW: Oh, no, no, NO, don't bring Knuckles into this, PLEASE, he's too cool to be involved in this story, PLEASE, just let ONE piece of the Sonic universe escape untainted, oh, please oh, please, oh, please...
He landed with a thump. "Knuckles? You out here?"
CROW: (glancing upwards. Sarcastically:) THANK you for listening!
"Who are YOU, mon?"
TOM: And we have Stereotyped Accent Number Two, ladies and gentlemen!
"A friend. Tails has gotten something that I need to hide, and this is the best place."
JOEL: Heaven forbid he should just BURY it, or shoot it with a laser, or sneak it into Robotropolis and try to get Robotnik messed up, or...
"Tails? De short mon, two tails?"
CROW: (as Knuckles) The guy that I've been with in three Genesis games, one Saturn, three Dreamcast, and a bunch of Game Gear games? The guy I have raced against many times, dumped down holes, thrown into Hydrocity, left to the mercies of Robotnik in the Lava Reef Zone, and stolen his Chaos Emeralds over and over again? THAT guy?
"That's him."
"What did de mon get?"
TOM: Remember, friends don't let friends write in dialect.
"A drug, which we have to get him off."
"A drug? Okay. Just give it to me, I'll take care of it."
JOEL: (as Knuckles, thinking) "WHOOO! Party tonight! YEAH!"
"And don't burn it. The vapor good get you on it."
"Gottcha mon."
CROW: Yes, it's Gottchamon! A new form of Pokemon, coming to a Toys R Us near YOU! Remember, you just GOTTA catch 'em all!
"Kay. I'm headin' home!"
TOM: Who is "Kay", and why does she care whether or not Jonathan is heading home?
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JOEL: You know, most people say that the shortest distance between any two points is a straight line. But THOSE people have never been forced to read this story!
When Jonathan got home, he could barely sleep. He kept thinking about J.P., and Tails. He rubbed his headfur. He opened the door and walked out into the starlit plain. The walkways shone like silver, and the trees seemed like shadows. The homes were mostly dark, except for one or two. It provided a nice rustic touch, but nothing to soothe his mind.
TOM: The description provided a nice artistic touch, but nothing to soothe our minds.
Jonathan heard a slight crunch
CROW: CRUNNNCHH!!
JOEL: He said a _slight_ crunch, Crow.
as Katrina walked on the sand. "Hi, Katrina."
CROW: Oooh, LOOK! She actually leaves FOOTPRINTS!! This new Dreamcast technology is SOO COOOL!!
JOEL: I'm still not buying one, Crow. You'll have to make do with the Genesis.
CROW: (whining) Awwwww, c'monnnn, Daddddyyy, pleeeeaaasseeee?
"Jonathan? What are you doing up?"
"I can't get to sleep. I keep thinking about Tails and J.P."
"Oh. Nether can I.
TOM: She can't sleep, or she can't think about J.P. and Tails?
It keeps getting back to my mind. I've heard about Tails, and you would think he wouldn't of gotten the drugs."
CROW: Yeah...it's almost as if...somebody was writing him...out of character!
JOEL: Now, now, Crow...it really wasn't Tails' fault. He was tricked.
They approached a clearing, with a single tree. They both leaned up against it. Katrina started to sing a short tune, well known to most wolves. It acted as a sedative, and he went to sleep.
TOM: Much like this story!
JOEL: It's over, Tom. Calm down.
------------------------------End of Story----------------------------------
JOEL: And the line comes back out one more time to take a bow!
ALL: (Cheering, clapping.)
TOM: Wow, what a performance!
CROW: The most likeable character!
J.D. Harper is beginning author,
CROW: As is immediately evident judging from his keen grasp of grammar...
and has finished this first part of my story.
TOM: "My" story? Who's talking here? Jonathan?
He is toying with the idea of making people pay to get the second part of his story...
ALL: (pause for a minute, then burst out laughing) HA HA HA HA HAH!!
CROW: Oh, I needed that...
JOEL: Let's go, guys. (He picks up Tom, carrying him over the air vent in the floor, and follows Crow out of the theater.)
(Seasons 1-5.5 door sequence)
Everyone sat around on the couch, which had been put on the bridge in place of the counter again, and broke off pieces from one of the smaller caramel-corn "asteroids", munching on them and having a lot of fun. "Mmm, this is good stuff, Joel," said Crow, with his beak full.
"Yeah, what he said," piped up Tom, bumping a piece off with the top of his head.
"YUMMY-NOISE!" said Gypsy, diving straight in. She could eat much more than any of the others, being far larger.
"Okay, guys, I think you're already stuffed, but if you have any room for RAM chips--"
"RAM chips?" inquired Gypsy, nuzzling Joel's shoulder. The other two 'bots stopped eating the caramel corn immediately, too. Joel chuckled.
"You know the drill, you gotta tell me a good thing and a bad thing about the movie, each, to get your RAM chip. Tom? You can go first."
"Well, the good thing is that for the most part, the spelling was pretty good."
"Okay, and the bad thing?"
"The dialogue was just so...stilted...and...WOODEN!"
"All right, pally, here's your RAM chip!" Joel placed it in Tom's "beak". "Crow"?
"The good thing is, everybody was more or less written in character, I think. The bad thing is--it was so gosh darned REPETITIVE! It just dragged on and on and ON..."
"Good one, Crow! Here you go!" Joel fed a RAM chip to Crow. "And as for YOU, Gypsy...you helped me out with that pulse cannon, which, even though it turns out we weren't in any real danger THIS time, we definitely could need for real, later. So, here you go." And he gave her a handful of RAM chips.
"Play you a game of River Raid, Servo!" challenged Crow.
"You're on!" The two robots were soon hard at it. Gypsy fell over asleep on the floor, stuffed. Joel smiled and punched the button for the Mads, ignoring the small green grape. "Let's see what they thought of the experiment." he said over his shoulder to the 'bots. "Come in, sirs...SIR?"
Joel choked off his sentence in amazement at the sight that greeted his eyes on the viewscreen. Dr. Erhardt had come back from...whereever it was he had disappeared to...and was standing very close to the camera. His chubby young face was sunburned to a lobster-red crisp, his clothing was all askew, he had various bits of food all over himself, a live FISH flopping on his shoulder, he was wearing a pair of leiderhosen on his legs, a necklace of shark teeth around his neck, and, to top it all off, a lovely flowing blonde wig on his head. Crooked.
Noticing that Joel was staring at him, Erhardt glowered into the camera and snarled, through clenched teeth, "I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It."
Forrester quickly swept his assistant aside and took over the center camera spot. "Ah, Jolene, I see you made it through the asteroid storm in one piece. Good, good...uh, as you can see, we've had a few problems with the Luggage Loser, but I'm sure that with a little bit of tweaking, it could still be a poweful and useful force for evil..." He trailed off as he heard a blood-curdling battle cry from behind him.
"YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Laurence Erhardt LUNGED towards the Luggage Loser with a gigantic axe. "Take that! And THAT!! And _THAT_!!! DIE, you stupid machine, DIE, DIE DIE!!!"
"Of course, it'll need some...minor repairs first..." Forrester went on lamely. "Larry, don't DO that! It could expl--"
BOOM!!
(The screen goes dark.)
(Voice-over on the dark screen: "Help me find the pieces to the light switch, Lar...")
CREDITS:
HEAD (and only) WRITER: Tiffany J. Knox
STARRING:
JOEL HODGSON as Joel Robinson.
TRACE BEAULIEU as Dr. Clayton Forrester and Crow T. Robot.
JOSH WEINSTEIN as Dr. Laurence Erhardt and Tom Servo.
JIM MALLON as Gypsy.
ALEX CARR as Magic Voice.
Keep circulating the tapes!