Hansel and Gretel
(Or two other schmucks, as the case may be.)
A Folk Tale from the Brothers (Last Name)
Once upon a time there lived a woodcutter. This woodcutter, whose name was (Famous Male), lived with his wife, (Famous Female), his son, (Famous Male), and his daughter, (Famous Female). They lived on the edge of a great forest, and were so poor that they had to live in a/an (Type of Building), and couldn't afford anything to eat except for (Plural Noun).
One day, (Wife) said to her husband, "Look. Those lazy children of yours do practically nothing. We feed them, clothe them, take care of them, and for what? They don't help with the work. They don't earn any money. I say we get rid of them and then we won't have to practically starve ourselves anymore."
The woodcutter was shocked at this idea, but eventually she talked him into it, and they devised a plan.
They would take the children with them into the woods tomorrow and then go off to work--and not come back, leaving the children there, lost in the depths of the forest.
(Girl), unable to sleep from sheer hunger, overheard the plan and, terrified, told it to her brother. "Don't worry," said (Boy). "I'll think of something."
The next morning, the two children were each given a piece of (A Food) for their breakfasts and the whole family set out. (Boy) did not eat his (Same Food), but broke off crumbs from it, one by one, leaving a trail so that they could find their way home again. After several hours had passed, and the sun was high in the heavens, they stopped. Their parents went off to work, telling the children to stay there and wait for them to come back. The children waited and waited but their parents, indeed, did not return.
"Oh, (Boy)," wailed (Girl), "What are we to do?"
(Boy) comforted his sister by telling her of the trail he had left. They tried to find it, but look as they might, they could not! It was gone! (Creature, Plural) had flown down and eaten all the (Same Food) crumbs!
Now more dejected than ever, (Boy) and (Girl) (Verb, Past Tense) (Adverb) through the forest, becoming very cold, hungry, and (Adjective). Suddenly their eyes met a very curious sight. It was a little (Type of Building), made entirely of (A Food). Being, as I think I have mentioned, very hungry, (Boy) and (Girl) instantly chowed down on the (Same Building), munching on door frames, windows, shingles, etc. As they were thus occupied, a voice called out, "Nibble, nibble, like a (Creature). Who's been nibbling at my house? Well, it doesn't QUITE rhyme, but I'm working on it. Anyway, who's there?"
"Nobody but the wind." said (Girl).
"Yeah, right." said the voice. What was left of the door swung open and there stood a little old woman, (Famous Female). When she saw (Boy) and (Girl) she cried, "Bless my soul! Children! I haven't seen any of them for so long! Do come in, darlings, do come in." and she led the two brats--oh, excuse me, children--inside. She sat them down to a huge, delicious dinner and then tucked them (Adverb) into soft, cozy little (Plural Noun).
The two children thought they were in heaven. Life couldn't get much better than this.
Uh-huh. We all know there has to be a catch somewhere, right, folks? Okay. Here it is.
(Little Old Woman) was actually an evil witch, who had built her home out of (Same Food) in order to lure tender, juicy little children to her door, so that she could cook and eat them! So while (Boy) and (Girl) were asleep, she siezed (Boy) by his (Part of the Body) and locked him up in a (Noun). Then she whacked (Girl) awake and said, "Cook a big meal, and do it quickly or else. Your brother must be properly fattened if he is to make a decent meal."
(Girl) cried, but did as the witch said. This went on for quite some time, (Girl) cooking meals to fatten her brother up, not to mention doing all the housework besides. And every once in a while, (Witch) would order (Boy) to stick his (Part of the Body) out so that she might see how fat he was getting. He stuck out a little (Noun) every time instead, and the witch, having very bad eyesight, thought it was his (Part of the Body) and that he was not fat enough yet.
Finally she got sick of it and said one day to (Girl), "Fetch me some firewood for the stove. Fat or thin, I'll have child for dinner tonight or else. My patience is wearing out."
Unwilling though she was, (Girl) got the wood and started the fire in the stove. After a bit, the witch said, "Stick your head in and see if it is hot enough yet." For she meant to push (Girl) in while she was checking and roast her.
(Girl) was not, however, a complete moron, so she looked at the stove as if she was confused and said, "What did you want me to do again? I don't understand. Could you please show me?"
"Oh, for pete's sake." snaped (Witch), "an imbecille could understand. Look." and she stuck her (Part of the Body) in the stove. (Girl) quickly kicked the rest of the witch inside and slammed the lid shut, leaving her to die a tragic, fiery death.
"Hurrah, (Boy), we're free!" she cried, unlocking his (Noun). They searched the witch's home well, and discovered many valuable (Plural Noun), which they took home to their father (their mother had died while they were gone). Selling the precious (Same Noun), they became very rich, and they all lived happily ever after. Nothing ever bothered them again. Except for that huge dragon that's about to stomp on their house, but that's nothing to worry about. Really.
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