How to Fail to Loose (Number) Pounds in Only (Amount of Time)
ATTENTION AMERICANS! Do you eat? Then chances are, you need to loose weight. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "I don't need to loose weight." Have you ever stopped to wonder why you can no longer see your (Part of the Body, Plural)? Why you can no longer bend over any farther than (Distance)? Why pushing the buttons on your T.V. remote leaves you gasping for breath? Why, whenever you go outside, people start turning on their headlights for (Distance) around? Why you can no longer fit into a (Noun) without the aid of powerful hydraulic devices?
Who are you kidding? Face it, buddy. You are a menace to radar. And if you don't do something about your weight soon, scientists are going to start blaming YOU for the Greenhouse Effect.
Fortunately, you have several options. One, you can excercise, although I don't personally reccommend this for YOU, as it would advance the rate of continental drift. Also, at the moment, your idea of excercise is making it to the supermarket without having a heart attack, or standing up without snapping your (Part of the Body).
The next option is diet pills, which are strange little drugs that help you loose weight. That's what they SAY, anyway. Actually, they are very dangerous. People have been known to spontaneously (Verb), or grow extra (Part of the Body, Plural) or become soap-opera fans. Some were even so far gone that they became members of Congress. And studies show that you may even become FATTER than you were before after you stop using them. The obvious solution, then, would be to keep using them, forever and ever. This would make the diet pill companies VERY happy.
Or, you can go on a diet. The only problem with this is that it means you have to actually eat less. There are many different diets you can try. There is the "(Celebrity) Diet", in which you eat nothing but (Plural Noun), the "(Adjective) (Noun) Diet", in which you eat only fried (Substance) and have to sing "(Name of a Song)" every morning in a/an (Adjective) voice while facing Hoboken, New Jersey, or the "(Animal) Diet", which has nothing to do with (Same Animal, Plural), in which you simply eat nothing at all. Or, you can just follow the example of drunken bums lying diseased and rotting on sidewalks everywhere and simply drink alchoholic beverages every day. The problems with this diet are (a), you actually GAIN weight, and (b), within (Amount of Time), your liver will be corroded away to something the size of a (Noun).
And also, with ANY diet, you're likely to gain all your weight back and then some the instant you stop it! The only logical solution, then, is to revise your lifestyle. But you can't do that! The refrigerator is your friend! You'd be lost without your (Number) snacks a day! And excercise? It makes you all sweaty!
So, I'm sorry to say, I lied. There IS no way for you to loose weight. Other people might be able to, but if I were you, I'd start looking around for a new planet to colonise.
And bring along several shiploads of onion dip.
Click HERE to return to the main Mad Libs page.
Click HERE to return to the main Humour page.
Click HERE to return to Sandopolis.