"The History of Music"
© February 22, 1994 by Chaos Theory T. Echidna.
Revised/Edited Version © January 13, 2000 by Chaos Theory T. Echidna.
(NOTE TO THE HUMOUR-IMPAIRED: Any instances of groups or songs being in the wrong time and/or place were done on PURPOSE, so don't e-mail me to tell me I'm an idiot, okay?
NOTE FOR SONICFANS: In this revised edition, I put in a new joke just for us. See if you can spot it...)
Music has existed almost as long as humans have. (Number) years ago, cave people discovered that when they struck (Plural Noun) together or blew through a piece of (Noun), they could make interesting sounds. So they did this all day long, there being very little else for entertainment back then, until they were eventually eaten by sabre-toothed (Animal, Plural).
Much later on, in Ancient Greece, a guy named "(Male First Name)" wrote two famous poems, called the Iliad and the (Noun). These poems took about (Amount of Time) to recite and were so boring that the Greeks routinely used them to put ravaging barbarian hordes to sleep, which may be why their civilisation lasted so long. But the poems, however dull they may be, will NEVER be forgotten--not so long as they are required reading in college literature courses, that is.
Some scholars think that perhaps there was no such man as "(Same Name)" and his poems were actually written by someone else, but these are the same guys who say William Shakespeare was actually (Celebrity), so who are you going to believe? And who cares, anyway?
During the Middle Ages, not much happened on the music front except for (Famous Male)'s incorrectly-spelled "(City) Tales".
Then, somewhere around the Renaissance, "Opera" was invented in (Place). Opera is a form of drama done all in singing, and can sometimes take as long as (Amount of Time) to perform. Notable in opera are the "Valkyries"--large women who wear (Article of Clothing, Plural) on their heads and sing at the end of the play. This is where we get our expression, "It ain't over 'til the fat lady (Verb, Present Tense)".
Later, "classical" music came along, with composers such as Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, and (Famous Male). Classical music is meant to be performed by large orchestras, with trumpets, tubas, flutes, (Plural Noun), violins, drums, (Plural Noun), and many others as needed. Some noted classical pieces include "The (Colour) Danube Waltz", "(Adjective) Sonata", and "The (Year) Overture".
In the 19th century, a form of music was invented called "(Type of Business) Quartets", so called because it was sung by groups of (Number) men in dorky clothing harmonizing about the (Colour) moon. Then some wars broke out and "(Same Type of Business)" went out of style.
In the 1920s, Jazz came around. Jazz was mainly played by (Colour) people in (Adjective) little underground bars, with instruments such as the trumpet, the trombone, the clarinet, the (Noun), and the (Noun). It had a/an (Adjective) new rhythm and so of course the rich white mainstream thought it was evil. Also in the 1920s was a new dance craze called the "(City)". To do the "(Same City)", you had to kick up your (Part of the Body) and wiggle your (Part of the Body). That's how Madonna got started.
In the 1930s, big band music came along and caused the Great Depression.
In the 1940s, a new sound called "Swing" became popular, which had an unusual, (Adjective) rhythm and was extremely fast. Because of this, the rich white mainstream thought it was evil. Swing bands had names like "Nifty Bob Johnson's (Adjective) Review", "The (Colour) Sounds of (Famous Male)", or even "The Brian Setzer Orchestra".
Also in the '40s were (Famous Male), a drippy young crooner who made countless (Plural Noun) to swoon at his over-romantic songs, and the (Last Name) Sisters, who sang songs like "The (State) Polka" and "Boogie-Woogie Bugle (Noun)".
Then World War II broke out.
In the 1950s, a new sound came along called "Rock and (Verb)". It was an offshoot of rhythm and (Colour, Pluralised) and was pioneered by such people as Buddy Holly (who unfortunately died in a (Vehicle) crash), Chuck Berry, Elvis (Last Name) (who can still be seen in many parts of the country today), and (Famous Male), who was not a performer, but a radio DJ who played nothing but this new music all day long and got into major trouble for it. For as you might have imagined, the rich white mainstream said that "Rock and (Same Verb)" was evil. They claimed it made young people behave (Adverb), that it brought out (Adjective) instincts. What they obviously didn't know was that young people are GOING to behave like that no matter WHAT music they listen to...
And it was precisely BECAUSE of those exact reasons that the young people loved it. They went to diners, drank cherry (Liquid), danced the "Twist" and the "Mashed (Food)", wore (Animal) skirts and duck's (Part of the Body) haircuts, and bopped to the music on the jukebox. There was a major campaign against "Rock and (Same Verb)", but it didn't work. It was still going strong, although somewhat modified, in the 1960s. Then such singers as (Famous Female) became famous, with songs like "RESPECT" and "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural (Noun)", among many others. Also there were a lot of "girl-groups", such as the Chiffons, the Rhonettes, the Angels, the (Plural Noun), and much more. This was, in addition, the time of the (Nationality) "Invasion", featuring the (Insect, Plural), the Rolling (Plural Noun), and many other groups.
This caused young people to grow their (Part of the Body) long, smoke (Plant), and experiment with things such as (Substance) and (Subtance). Also the Vietnam War was going on, and many songs were written in protest to it, such as "Where Have All the (Plural Noun) Gone?" and "(Verb ending in "ing") in the Wind."
The 1970s were a...very strange time for music. In fact, a strange time for EVERYTHING. The only real unifying theme of the decade was...DIVERSITY! The fads ranged from pet rocks to streaking to a new technology known as "digital watches", to odd cults, beanbag chairs, naughahyde, bead curtains, and more. The Vietnam War ended and President (Famous Male) resigned, right before he would have been impeached.
And that theme--weirdness and silliness with some serious bits mixed in--summarises the music of the decade as well. There was disco, of course--a mostly worthless medium, most people will tell you--but even disco had its high points, such as "I Will Survive", a feminist anthem sung by (Famous Female), or John Travolta's first movie, "(Day of the Week) Fever". Other new styles seeing the light of day for the first time in the '70s include Punk rock, with groups such as the (Noun) Pistols; Glam Rock, with groups such as Queen and KISS, and the beginnings of New Wave, which would go on to be much more successful in a modified form in the '80s. There was still a demand for "real" rock, as seen in the works of groups like (Colour) Floyd, Fleetwood Mac, and many others. Also there were some INCREDIBLY drippy singers, the foremost among them probably being Barry Mannilow, whose songs are often used to make people who are waiting on "hold" pass out and forget what they were going to ask.
Then came the 1980s, another very strange and diverse decade for music--although it may not seem so on the surface. What most people take to be nothing but a bland decade full of "cheesy" songs also had a thriving underground movement of darker, more serious, and more "fringe"-oriented music. But the general public's memories of the '80s are more along the lines of (Adjective) layered clothing, Michael Jackson, who started off as a black male but gradually morphed into a white female due to prolonged exposure to spotlights and sequinned gloves, and Cyndi Lauper squeaking her way through songs like "Girls Just Want to (Verb)". This was part of a major trend in the '80s towards silly, lighthearted "feel-good" songs, such as "Everybody Have Fun Tonight", "Dancing on the Ceiling", and "Can You Feel the Sunshine?"
Also in the 1980s, a disturbing, edgy form of music called "rap" started up, although it didn't really hit the mainstream in a BIG way until the early '90s. In rap "music", people (Verb) in an irritating rhythm, with little or no actual tune, and move (Plural Noun) back and forth to make a stupid high-pitched grating noise. That last bit was only done in "old-school" rap; todays' form of the genre being very different, but no less obnoxious.
Other forms of music that became popular in the music were (Adjective) Age music, not to be confused with New WAVE, (which actually has a beat to it; being a modified, futuristic form of rock, after all), which is very, very slow and quiet and is supposed to remind you of waves gently (Verb ending in "ing") on a beach, but which makes normal humans nauseous.
Also along the way, we had a girl-group rash, with the most famous one being the "Spice (Plural Noun)", a boy-group rash, with examples such as the "(Adjective) Boys" and "(Number) Degrees", and a Spanish-language song with a very stupid-looking dance called the "(Spanish Word)". We had all KINDS of '80s and '70s remakes, a group that does a retro-late-'60s sound, called "(Verb) Mouth", and of all things, SWING even came back! How do ya like that?
And so here we stand, in the beginning of the year 2000, not knowing where the next millienium's worth of music will take us, what strange new forms will be discovered and what old ones will be twisted around into odd new shapes.
I'm sure it will be fascinating and exciting, but for now, if you don't mind, I think I'll just go read a book.
Click HERE to return to the main Mad Libs page.
Click HERE to return to the main Humour page.
Click HERE to return to Sandopolis.