THE FIRST ANNUAL MST3K WACKY RACES: POST-RACE WRAP-UP
WARNING/DISCLAIMER: Due to sexual innuendo and implied (but not shown) adult situations, this fanfic has been rated PG-13. If you are not old enough to be reading this, you should go ahead and read it anyway, then lie.
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MST3k Wacky Races: The Winner's Circle
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Schmoe_n_wurwolf
(The crowd is still cheering Smelly_Mel and her happy-go-lucky band of pigs on their stunning come-from-behind upset. Winnings are being collected at the betting window. The racers, exhausted from their two day marathon, pull up and congratulate Smelly_Mel on a race well won! Smelly_Mel is brought to the winners circle, where Schmoe and wurwolf, flush with.... er.... the uh... thrill of the race... yeah, that's it, stand waiting to award Smelly her prize)
S: Congratulations, Smelly_Mel, you did a superb job on that race. Great skill and sportsmanship there.
w: We now award you with the Observer's Cup, a prestigious trophy, and a blanket of roses.
S: You also win a copy of any three MST3k episodes available in our dear friend Samurai88's library. Please email either him or us and let us know which eps you might like.
w: (turns to the weary participants) Thank you all so much for playing, thank you for supporting our game. You all have made it so much fun, and we appreciate your wholehearted enthusiasm. Thank you all!
wurwolf
Bonhead #3
Hot Wheels leading the way!
fs!!
* * *
Thanks for the piggy sammiches Mel!!!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Have a few martinis on me!!!!
* * *
Whoo Hoo! Congrats Mel!!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Cavewoman
This was really fun and you had very imaginitive replies!!
YAY!!
Cavewoman
* * *
Thanx, but no thanx on the martinis.
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
I am only 13, ya know. Hey I shouldn't even have been able to drive!!
Cavey, do YOU want these?
(Mel hands her the 3 martinis Rimmer gave her. She pops in "Europop," and "Blue" starts to play. Everyone at the party groans and holds their ears.)
Everyone dance!! Da ba dee...
* * *
Nicely done, Mel!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Samurai88
No one deserved it more than you, and if they did, oops :o)
The tape isn't a cyber-prize. One in SP or 3 in EP. If I've got it, it's yours.
"KCTT"
Samurai88
superrat@midsouth.rr.com
* * *
Aw, let the girls dance!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Carmelita9000
They try so hard, doncha know? Congratulations again, Mel. I'm glad you're the winner. Now, Evil Mike has something to say to you. Don't you Evil Mike?
Evil Mike: I just want to say that I can't believe I got hooked up with a loser like Lita. I told her to let me gut you so that we could win, but she wouldn't.
(Lita gives Evil Mike a sharp elbow in the stomach)
Evil Mike: OOOWWW!!! I mean, congratulations on a race well driven.
Lita: You were a great competitor. Congratulations. Now. Everybody dance!
* * *
Really? Wow, thanx!!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Smelly_Mel
Kewl!!! But, uh, what does SP and EP mean? I'm only a recent MSTie, so explain. That's really nice of you!!! I'll email you with the details.
Thank you all again.
(^_^)
* * *
SP&EP
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Samurai88
SP is one per tape. EP is 3 per tape at a slower tape speed. Actually, you need to pick an extra one if you want EP speed (4 episodes instead of 3) 'cause all my 6 hour tapes are spoken for. I've only got 8 hour EP tapes handy.
SP= Standard Play
EP or SLP= Extended Play or Super Long Play (6 or 8 hour mode depending on the tape).
http://members.aol.com/mstienews/epintro.html
That's an unofficial episode guide. I have considerably over half the episodes so just name some in the order you want them and I'll start at the top and work down from there.
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
Congratulations Mel!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: gypsymoon3
Kudos on a game well played!
Since you're underaged, I won't offer you any of Rimmer's stash--instead, have some raspberry tea! As much as you like!
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
And dance like you do when nobody's watching.
xoxo
gypsymoon3
Let's dance, everybody!
* * *
Wow! Congrats, Mel!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: soth
Certainly blew past me in my little waxer.
Here, I brung some Doritos for the party! And Cokes for all underage.
*pulls out cocaine*
Oops, worng kind.
*pulls out Coca-Cola*
Much better.
That was a blast! I think it should be held semi-annually.
Do I get to keep the waxer?
*waxer explodes*
Aw, guess not.
Soth
* * *
you rule mel!!! 3/25/2000 el_bootblacker
* * *
Congrats, Mel! n/t 3/25/2000 CheeseGoddess
* * *
To a Well-Deserved Victory..
Date: 3/27/2000
From: Yamaglonche
Good for you, "Smelly Mel" - you stopped to help a struggling goofball like me and you still took the Cup! Thanks and congratulations!
Thanks also to El Bootblacker and Carmelita 9000 for their well-meaning assistance. I'm sorry that I didn't make a better showing.
Does anyone know how one goes about house-breaking a Mole-person??
--canned yams
* * *
Way to go Mel !!! (n/t) 3/27/2000 MSTzilla
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post race party, everybody!!!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: manosgirl
I've got long island iced teas and a cake for Mel!
Manos' Girl
* * *
PARTY!!!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Samurai88
(converts the Zigra ship to the Zigra monster (or in this case, the Zigra giant pool toy))
I'll have a Long Island tea and make it a double. Whoo hoo, what a race.
(wanders into the crowd to find Mel and shake her hand)
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
Oh, yummy, thanx!!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
(^_^)
Pigsled sammiches for EVERYBODY!!
Good race, by the way, folks!!
* * *
Stopping by to congratulate....
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Schmoe_n_wurwolf
the winner once again. That was a lot of fun, guys, and just maybe we will make it an annual thing. We can call it the MST3k 500 Wacky Races or something like that.
Thanks for participating, everyone. Go ahead and party everyone, we're going off to bed. And don't follow us this time, please! ;o)
wurwolf
fs!!
Schmoe
fw!!
* * *
Oh lord, Puma doesn't need an excuse
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Cavewoman
to eat like a pig.
Party!!
I think I'll sleep over here under this lamp and let Puma Man mingle.
Cavewoman
* * *
Hey par-tay
Date: 3/25/2000
From: BloodFairy
"I brought the tunes! No Mike, no one wants to hear Journey right now!"(puts on Bob Marley)
(opens jetpack & pours tank into new RubberMaid trash can)
"Trash Can punch, everybody!Throw it in!"
* * *
Congratulations again Mel.
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Carmelita9000
Now you must excuse Evil Mike and me. We're off to find a more isolated corner so we can uh... get better acquainted. ;)
Lita
* * *
I'll just grab a...
Date: 3/25/2000
From: MiSTie_93874
Long Island Iced Tea on my in.
Cangrats, Mel.
Any Single Men here tonight? Yes, No?
Well, I'm off to go to bed. G'night all.
"Mic"
* * *
I just rolled in...
Date: 3/25/2000
From: MSTzilla
...and Megaweapon is showing some signs of wear. Congrats manosgirl. After the party, everyone with broken vehicles, and whatever you were using, can pile in the back of Megaweapon as we retrace the course so we can pick up all the crap we left out there. Wouldn't want to leave litter all over. Now, pass me some of those LI iced teas.
MSTzilla
-a little late, but here none the less
* * *
CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Clayton_Forrester
Well, I already posted something like this under the race topic, but I'll do it again here since it's more appropriate.
First of all, FREE FOOD AT THE BUFFET! Just tell Gerry and/or Sylvia that you were a racer and all your food is free. We got lots of stuff, so come on and dig in!
Frank is dancing on one of the tables, so if you want any food from there, you might want to grab it NOW or else he'll step on it. WHOOPS, there goes a cream pie, oh, well. Come to think of it, there goes Frank's shoes, too, so I guess it's even.
Good-Joel is starting a conga line around the concessions area. It's all fun and games until the Giant Spider (MY Spider, not Lita's) joins in and crushes 5 Viking Women and a portion of the bleachers. Whoopsie!
GAOS is shooting lasers into the sky to make a beautiful light show against the darkness! Oooh! Pretty! Everybody come look!
THE CRAWLING EYE is making ice-sculptures using its freezing breath stuff or whatever it is. The sculptures gleam really pretty under the glare of the lasers.
Meanwhile, back in Deep 13, Pearl, Bobo, Observer, Nuveena, and Dr. Erhardt are playing poker together, but Larry falls asleep on his face from being awake for 48 hours solid and the others instantly take EVERYTHING of his, including his shirt. Then Pearl cheats the remaining players out of every penny they have within about ten hands.
Push the button, Fra--oh, you're dancing on the table. Well, File this, Lar--oh, you're asleep. Well, SOMEBODY push the damn button, okay?
(Bobo accidentally drops a watermelon on it.)
Good enough!
--FWOOSH!--
--Clay--
"You see this butt? Kick this butt!"
* * *
Well, I see everything is back to normal
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Smelly_Mel
Clay is back to making extra long, two or three in a row replies because she "forgot something." Lita is back to... getting aquaninted with evil Mike, and My fan club is back to getting really really drunk off chocolate milk. Drink up guys, you'll have FUN in the morning...
Wowzer!! the field sure looks pretty, all lit up. And look, it's my self made ice statue of ME, wearing a tiny roman outfit that Barely conceals my legs!! Oh, and Bossie, Archie, and Jed are sure enjoying the show... guys?? Piggies??
Guess they got scared off my Frank, dancing on the table...
oh no!! My precious Cake!! It has Frank's foot in it, noooo.
Oh, look! It's my boyfriend, Forrest. Wow, lookin' good Hugaboo, in that JUMPSUIT of yours...
What's that? You wore it JUST for this occasion cause you know I like a man in a jumpsuit...
You BET I do!!
Hey, Lita!! Move out, this is the *winner's* corner only...
That's right, Evil Mike... move on... eww!! and zip up your fly please!!
(6_6)
"Look, It's the life of the party! He's got a lampshade on his head!!"
* * *
(brings the honey bbq-ed dogs meat)
Date: 3/25/2000
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
Try some!!! It's really good!
//martini
//wink
//martini
//martini
* * *
(brings in Wok Popcorn)
Date: 3/25/2000
From: gypsymoon3
In a large wok with a well-fitting lid, put oil enough to just cover the bottom. Add 3 kernels of unpopped kernels. Cover with lid; turn way-way up. When the 3 kernels have popped, add kernels enough to be covered thinly in the oil. Put the lid back on. Shake the hell out of the wok as the popcorn is popping.
Repeat!
The first bowl goes to Mel as winner of the race; the next to Schmoe and Wolf as sponsors. Thanks everybody, I had so much fun!
xoxo
gypsymoon3
* * *
Doritos and Pepsi!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: soth
*tosses the Doritos and Pepsi around*
That was fun! Hold it semi-annually!
Woohoo!
Soth
* * *
And, as usual....
Date: 3/25/2000
From: soth
Everyone comes to the post party to pick up a date...
Oy veigh. :-)
Either that, or their already fooling aorund...
Glances at the couples "getting acquainted."
Uh huh.
I think I'll go MST something by myself in a corner.
Soth
* * *
Wheres the beer? 3/25/2000 TVGM3000
* * *
Aw, it's ok, Evil Mike.
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Carmelita9000
It's just as well Mel threw us out of our corner. We gotta go do todays Moral of the Story anyway. Maybe we'll come back when we're... er... done.
(Lita grabs a handfull of popcorn, Evil Mike takes a couple of LI iced teas, and they step out into the night.)
See y'all later!
Lita
* * *
DING-DONG!
Date: 3/25/2000
From: LadyKenobi
Um, you guys mind keeping it down in here? I just put Servo down.
Mike has to work the early shift tomorrow.
Crow heard something about wok popcorn and keeps trying to get us to take him over here.
Joel is having Man or Astroman? flashbacks and can't get to sleep.
AND I'M TRYING TO DRINK ALONE, DAMMIT!!
* * *
(dances with a lampshade on her ass)
Date: 3/25/2000
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
WoooooHoooooooo!!!! Part-ay!!!!!!!!
* * *
Actually, Mel...
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Clayton_Forrester
While I DO "forget things", that time I quite honestly posted too early. If you read the first message carefully, you'll notice it cuts off mid-sentence and doesn't even contain my signature or anything, so it's definitely unfinished.
"Hi, guys," says Clayton, picking up a Venusian Mushroom Burger for her lunch, "I'm not much of a morning person, I'm afraid. How'd the party go? Everyone have fun tonight? Everybody Wang Chung tonight? Kidding, but seriously, I hope you liked the light show and the catering service. Next time you need food for your MST-themed party, just call Gerry and Sylvia at Deep 13, they just started their business and need the money, and their rates are really quite reasonable. (They made me plug them like that because I lost a bet.) Anyway, hope you all had fun!"
A couple of notes to explain stuff here...
1. I did NOT MAKE UP Evil Joel. Technically his name is just plain Joel Robinson except that he's evil, and he lives on the Satellite of Hate with Crow and a BLUE Tom Servo whose arms DO work, and is sent GOOD stories and movies by Dr. Frank and T.V.'s Forrester, who are trying to find the ultimate good movie that will spread happiness, cheer, and peace around the world, by seeing how many it takes to make Joel actually smile. ;) In other words, totally opposite. Instead of keeping cheerful and happy all the time no matter what, the boys TRY to keep themselves GRUMPY and depressed!
Anyway, _I_ didn't make him up, a notorious text MSTer named Megane 6.7 did, so blame HIM for the concept. I would not ACTUALLY be attracted to Evil Joel in real life. He's a total sadistic murdering fiend and a PERVERT! :P
Oh, and I made up the details of his costume; the boots, gloves, slicked-back hair, etc. All Megane said was that he was wearing a black jumpsuit.
2. I would like to thank everybody for not killing Gaos. :) I cannot BELIEVE he survived all the way through to the end of the race, even though he showed up fairly early! I remember I blinked him in shortly after Trumpy bought it, and that was waaaayyy back. Even Gamera, his natural enemy, bought the farm super-fast, but for some reason, one of Gamera's random enemies survived to become a major supporting player during this race. Odd. Anyway, thanks. :)
3. Speaking of blinking in people, I cannot BELIEVE that nobody ever thought to neutralise my powers by doing the obvious: Run by me on my motorcycle, and GRAB MY COMMUNICATIONS LINK! Without it, I can't talk back to Larry in Deep 13, so no more teleporting in monsters, characters, or vehicles, no blinking myself out of traps, and if I get run over, I DIE, instead of having my molecular pattern reassembled by the transporter. (Then again, Forrester was able to live in a place that's right next to a NUCLEAR REACTOR for seven years without being harmed in the least, so maybe it would take more than that to kill him. Who knows.)
Then, it wouldn't matter if Deep 13 was still intact, the Matter Transference Device was still working, and Larry was alive and well, because without a means to REACH those things, they're useless to me.
Even better, once you have my communications link, you could imitate my voice and get stuff of your OWN teleported in!
I can't BELIEVE nobody ever, ever, ever once thought of doing that to me...I mean, THANKS!, but it was a rather obvious weakness on my part... ;)
4. Most importantly, even though I didn't win and didn't really want to, how'd you like my performance? Was I funny? Annoying? Creative? I know I cheated but then again I'm EVIL!! so I'm supposed to cheat. Then again, almost everybody else did, too. :)
But I want to know. Did you think I was funny? I really hope so because I was trying my absolute darndest to do so.
File this one, Larry.
--Clay--
"Wow! Their level of technology must be LIGHT years ahead of ours; their use of stock footage is absolutely AMAZING!"
* * *
(Lita and Evil Mike slide back in)
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: Oh! Hi Clay! Fancy seeing you here! And you brought Evil Joel too!
(Evil Mike and Evil Joel are glaring at each other.)
Evil Mike: Did I hear this loser saying she wanted us to tell her what we thought about her?
Lita: Mike, shut up.
Evil Mike: Because I can say all kinds of things!
Lita: Mike, she's my friend. You'd better shut up!
Evil Mike: I mean, what has she been thinking?!
Lita: Mike! Pipe down! I'll kill you!
Evil Mike: Not if I kill you first!
(Evil Mike and Lita start punching each other right there, then topple to the floor... but suddenly they don't seem to be fighting...)
Lita: Oh gee! Suddenly I really need to... uh.. Powder my nose! I'm going to head off to the restroom now!
Evil Mike: Yeah. I'm gonna hit the can too. See you later Joel, Clay.
* * *
Did somebody get refueled last night?
Date: 3/25/2000
From: Samurai88
I didn't, but what a party. Was someone looking for single guys? I'm a single guy. Oh, she left. Crud.
(passes the bar and winces) I'll just have a fruit juice for now, thanks.
Clay, one of the cardinal rules of Whacky Racing is not to do anything irrevocable to another player. You can cheat all you want depending on your character. Even if you are "killed" there should be some way to come back. What amazes me is that no one picked up a radio and started yelling "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" thus nullifying your eye powers and breaking Zigra's "control". No one shined bright lights at Zigra either, but I'm not complaining. Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show. I should really just
relax."
Back to the party! Anyone got a Mitchell Malt? I'm ready for one at last. Thanks!
(takes a slug from the long neck, head spins, steam from the collar and all the other too-strong-for-human-consumption bits)
Thissh ish a great party guysh! (hic)
"KCTT"
Samurai88
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NOTE FROM CHAOS THEORY T. ECHIDNA: I'd also like to point out that I was being incredibly stupid with the handling of MY Japanese Rubber Monster of choice, too. Why? Because I completely forgot that GAOS CAN'T STAND SUNLIGHT! He shoulda been a Krispy Kritter ten times over! Ah, well...
CONCLUSION
By Dr. Laurence Erhardt
Well, it was indeed quite a race. Exciting as it was, though, I was quite glad to be safely underground beneath 13 layers of sub-basement, watching it through a triple-reinforced plexisteel monitor, rather than actually being in the stands! I was very glad of the opportunity to see it all in such detail, even though I DO wish Clay hadn't shot me quite so full of amphetamines in order to make sure I stayed awake for the full 48 hours. Dangit, it's now almost two weeks later and I STILL can't sleep properly! I keep dozing off in the middle of conversations and leaping upright in bed at 2:30...
I ain't really mad at Clay, though. We've known each other off and on for about 12 years now, and it's just his/her way. I'm used to it.
Anyway, this race was absolutely TONS of fun, and I'd like to thank Schmoe and Wurwolf, who I suppose are probably guest-star characters who show up and talk to you on the Hexfield Viewscreen or something, for organizing this amazingly strange and silly event.
I'd like to thank myself, Dr. Laurence Erhardt, for having the foresight to tape and transcribe the whole thing. ;)
But most importantly, I'd like to thank all the racers. Without them, this would never have existed.
And of course all of you readers for taking the time to read this!
Keep Circulating the Posts!
Lar
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tourists have been foolish enough to crash the Post-Race Party since April 5, 2000. Of course, they all woke up the next morning with the hangover to end all hangovers, and someone they'd never even met before in their beds!