"E-Mail Marketing!!

A Get-Rich-Quick Spam

MSTed by "Captain Chaotica!!"

Hi all and welcome back to the Satellite of Love! This is my second "official" MSTing and my third if you count that one of "Material Girl". Yep, I'm still usin' Joel instead of Mike and probably always will. I ain't apologisin' to the author of the original item that's getting riffed this time, however, because for Pete's sake, it's a SPAM! Anybody who spams deserves anything they get. ANYthing. Bwahaha!
This will be a rather experimental MSTing for me. I'm going to try and place it in the first season, which means it will be my first time attempting to write for Dr. Erhardt as the evil sidekick instead of Frank, and also I'll be writing the host segments in prose form instead of script, and see how that turns out.
And, oh, yes, I am aware of the fact that even though this is in "Season One", some of the jokes are from further ahead in the show (one's from Season EIGHT, in fact). I did that on PURPOSE rather than from ignorance, so I don't want anybody e-mailing me to tell me that "Firemaidens from Outer Space" is from three years later, or anything like that. Like, duh. This is kind of an alternate-universe continuity, if you will...
Okay? Okay! On to the MSTing!

Joel Robinson flinched away as Crow T. Robot came near his head with a pair of large, sharp scissors. "NO!" he cried out, ducking, which caused his thick shoulder-length brown hair to fly around wildy. "I DON'T want you cutting my hair, Crow! I mean it!"
"Aw, c'mon, Joel," wheedled Crow in his nasal voice. "I keep TELLING you, what happened last time was an ACCIDENT. My motor-coordination subroutines weren't working correctly, and yes, I made a mistake or two."
"Mistake or TWO?" retorted Joel, nervously fingering the zipper of his bright red jumpsuit. "There was blood all over the floor! You're just lucky Gypsy has paramedic programming! No, get away from me! I'd much rather do it myself!"
Crow snorted. "Oh, yeah, and we all know how neat and tidy THAT looks, Mr. Fluffmop. C'mon, let me do it, you look like a hippie!"
"No!" Joel held his hands over his head protectively and ducked behind the couch. "Yes, I know the Time Traveller's Disguise Kit sorta got stuck in '1960's Mode', but I'd much rather look like this than let YOU anywhere near me with those things!"
(Author's Note: Couch? Yeah, the one from "Women of the Prehistoric Planet". They decided to use it again.)
Tom Servo came hovering up to the bridge as the sounds of the argument reached his quarters. "Uhm, guys, could you keep it down--" here he stopped as he got a good look at Joel and giggled. "Whoah-hoah, THAT takes me back." (snicker) "Geez, Joel, ya look ridiculous. Why won't you let Crow cut your hair?"
Joel gave him a Very Dirty Look but then stopped before saying anything as the Mads' light flashed. He punched it angrily and tossed the small green seedless grape into his mouth.
"Ah, hello up there, my little floating strawberry alarm clock," beamed Dr. Forrester, looking up into the monitor with his customary evil grin. Dr. Erhardt, his chubby young assistant, stood next to him with an almost exact copy of the grin--except his was even wider.
"What's up, sirs?" asked Joel sleepily, but then again, he always sounded sleepy. He tossed a lock of silky hair out of his face in annoyance.
"Whoah, is that a new look for you?" squeaked Dr. Erhardt in his annoyingly high-pitched voice. "I guess you really HAVE been in space too long! Geez, leave you alone for a week and you start getting in touch with your feminine side. Ya know, you'd really look better with makeup and heels, though. And you should accessorise that jumpsuit with a belt and matching purse. I know a GREAT lipstick brand that you can--"
"Larry," Forrester tried to cut him off.
"--and it comes in all kinds of pretty colours--I think a nice rich plum or mauve would work the best with your colouring, Joel, and--"
"Lar!"
"--it won't wear off for hours, I know, I've tried it as part of my disguise top-side several times, and let me tell YOU--"
"LAURENCE ERHARDT!" shouted Forrester, shaking the dark-haired young man by his lapels.
"Oh. Right." The assistant mad scientist blinked for a minute to get his bearings, then continued. "It's time for the Invention Exchange, you floating peace symbol! You're going first this time. Whaddya got?"
At this, Joel pulled out a large box with all kinds of strange bells, whistles, knobs, buttons and flashing lights on the sides. "I call this my Plot Convenience Device. You see, I've noticed that in most of the movies you've been sending us, the heroes can only defeat the villians through the use of amazing coincidences that come from nowhere."
"Well, yeah, they wouldn't be BAD movies if they had good writing, now, would they, Joelie-cakes?" sneered Forrester.
Joel ignored him and went on, "So I invented this. This Plot Convenience Device can give the amazing powers that result from bad writing to ANYbody, to be used in everyday situations for the betterment of your life. Crow will now get into the box and demonstrate."
"I will?" gasped Crow. "This wasn't in the original agreement..." he whispered.
"If you get into the box, I will let you cut my hair after the movie." hissed Joel back. Crow got in. Joel closed the top of the box, sealing him inside.
"Then we just twist these knobs here, fold back the top, set the oven to 350 degrees for 25 minutes, wait until the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, and...tada!"
PING!
Joel opened the box and took out a giant cupacake (the size of a wedding cake) with Crow baked into the center of it, and only his head sticking out of the top. Crow was covered with icing, half-melted, and moaning with pain.
"Mmmn." said Joel thoughtfully, swiping a piece of icing off the top of Crow's net, and licking it off his fingers. "Good stuff. Wasn't what I was expecting, though..." "A CUPCAKE?!" Tom was incredulous. "Really lame, Joel."
"Oh, whoops, that was my Big Easy Bake Oven, instead." said Joel, embarrasssed, and, being very hungry, started wolfing down the cake. "It can make a delicious full-sized cake out of practically any ingredients, or none at all--but it looks just like the Plot Convenience Device, unfortunately..."
"THREE inventions in one week?!" Erhardt shook his head in amazement. "Geez, Robinson, what are you ON?!"
"Joel, I smell delicious now," complained Crow. "I'm all gooey and melty and stuff. Can I go take a shower?"
"Sure, but make it quick." Crow climbed out of the cake with much difficulty, and staggered off to the right, barely able to move due to all the gunk in his joints. Joel continued to eat the remainder of the cake.
"Well, your little gumball machine is right," snickered Dr Forrester. "That was extremely lame. OUR invention this week is MUCH better than yours. Tell him about it, Laurence."
Dr. Erhardt pulled out what looked, at first, like an ordinary bicycle. "Introducing: The Monster-Cycle!"
"Yes, the Monster-Cycle," said Forrester in a game- show "announcer voice" tone. He gestured to the bicycle as if it was a prize and walked around it slowly as he pointed out all its features. "This seemingly ordinary bicycle is actually a brilliant work of evil. In far too many monster movies, the creature cannot catch its victims because some deformity or another makes it unable to move very quickly. All it can do is lumber slowly and attack with sheer terror. Now, while that works well enough sometimes..."
"...for the busy monster on the go, we've invented this! It's made out of titanium alloys, able to withstand the heaviest body! And the pedals, seat, and handlebars--" here Dr. Erhardt demonstrated, moving the named parts of the bike to drastically different settings, then back again, "can be adjusted many, many different ways, to fit almost ANY monster's deformities! In fact, it'll actually accomodate them!"
"Yes," Dr. Forrester took over again, "this bicycle will revolutionise the face of evil as we know it by making it possible for ANY monster to race quickly and easily towards his or her victims! Never again will an innocent goody-two-shoes character live through the movie because of the monster's slowness! Now, they will ALL die! BWAHAHAHA!"
Joel and the 'bots looked rather stunned. "Gee..." Joel managed finally. "That's...that's really dark, sirs..."
"THANK you!" they said in a sing-song chorus.
"Your movie today, Joely-Girl, is not a movie at all, but rather a nasty little internet spam dropping that we like to call, "E-Mail Marketing'! I hope you brought a spoon, 'cos you'll want to savour every drop! BWAHAHA!!!" Forrester shook his head, getting his bearings again after the insane laugh. "Send them the movie, Lar."
"Will do, Clay!" smarmed Erhardt, and pushed a button.
Lights flashed, the bridge shook, the room went dark. "OOOH, WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!" yelled Joel, Tom, and Crow, and they all took off in various directions for the theater.

(Seasons 1-5.5 Door Sequence)

JOEL: (hurt, muttering) I do NOT look like a girl with this hair. I think it's exotically masculine.
TOM: (snickering) Yeah, just keep tellin' yourself that, Jolene.
CROW: (coming in from stage right, panting, with a shower cap over his net.) I cleaned up as fast as I could. Think I still got some chocolate inside my ears, though. Did I miss anything?
JOEL: Nah. (takes Crow's shower cap off and throws it on the floor of the theater.)

From: mrktgpro44@hc.tel.hr Save Address - Block Sender
To: mrktgpro44@hc.tel.hr Save Address

CROW: Hey, if they sent it to themselves, then how the heck did the Mads get it in their mailbox?!
TOM: Block sender? Heck yes! (Writes down the e-mail address.)
JOEL: It's a little late for that, Tom.

Subject: JUST RELEASED! Millions CD Vol 9! SPECIAL OFFER!!!

CROW: Millions of CD's? Neat! We could use some more music around here...

Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 03:51:24 +0900

JOEL: Whoah, look at that, it's coming from nine hours into the future!

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SUCCESS & FAILURE IN YOUR ONLINE BUSINESS IS FINALLY REVEALED. . . .

TOM: Lack of brains?
JOEL: Lack of waffles?
CROW: Lack of naked mud-wrestling strippers?
JOEL: CROW!

Our research has found that many people have

TOM: A large tendency to delete all spam instantly.

tried one or more of the following...

JOEL: --in order to get this spam out of their heads: Drugs, booze, therapy, primal screaming, more drugs...

Free Classifieds? (Don't work)

CROW: (Announcer Voice) Yes, you TOO will never have to work again if you try our FREE CLASSIFIEDS!

Web Site? (Takes thousands of visitors)
Banners? (Expensive and iffy)
E-Zine? (They better have a huge list)
Search Engines? (Easily buried with thousands of others)

TOM: I can think of a few things I'D like to see "buried" right now...
CROW: Just things? I was thinkin' more along the lines of PEOPLE...
JOEL: (putting his arms supportively around the shoulders of both bots) C'mon, guys, I don't want us getting too dark. This is just a short. We can handle it.

S O W H A T D O E S W O R K ?

ALL: PROZAC!!

Although often misunderstood, there is one method that has proven to succeed time-after-time.

CROW: Unfortunately, it's illegal in 48 states and can get you publicly hanged in Utah.
JOEL: I have the feeling I should smack you for that, Crow, but I can't quite tell why...

E - M A I L M A R K E T I N G ! !

TOM: (announcer voice) R E A L L Y L O U D , S P A C E D O U T C A P I T A L L E T T E R S ! !
JOEL: How do you do that?
CROW: Ancient Chinese Robot Secret, puny Hu-man.
JOEL: Well, I can reprogram or dissassemble your robotic butt any time I feel like it, so just WATCH it, bucko...
TOM: (breaks down whimpering) Oh, no, not the "Servo-Croation" thing again, no, no!!

It's a fact! If you're not using your computer to generate income,

CROW: You obviously have what we in the real world like to call "a job".

you're leaving money on the table.

JOEL: (singing) You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table...
'BOTS: Don't.

Here's what the experts have to say about E-Mail Marketing:

ALL: (OK sign) IT STINKS!

"A gold mine for those who can take advantage of bulk e-mail programs" - The New York Times

TOM: "Like a hobnailed boot to the heads of consumers!"--raves the Miami Herald.
JOEL: "Worse than a plague of locusts!"--the Salt Lake Tribune.
CROW: "More painful than a root canal without novacaine!"--Playboy.

"E-mail is an incredible lead generation tool" -Crains Magazine

CROW: "Crains" magazine? The hell? I didn't know birds had magazines!
TOM: No, that's a "crane", Crow. Maybe they meant "Brains" and just hit the wrong key. Hey, Joel, isn't the company who makes our show called Best--
JOEL: Ixnay on the fourth-wall breaking!

"Blows away traditional Mailing" - Advertising Age

JOEL: A major motion picture starring Tommy Lee Jones and Jeff Bridges. Coming soon to a theater near you!

Here is an example of your potential earnings if you have a product that brings you a profit of around $30. Remember, on the Internet, you can make money 7 days a week, 24 hours a day... even while you sleep, orders come from all over the world!

CROW: Oh, yeah, encouraging people to sleep while they do business. Like the stock market isn't in ENOUGH trouble as it is!

Orders Per Day Weekly Earnings / Monthly Earnings / Yearly Earnings
1 $210.00 | $840.00 | $10,080.00
2 $420.00 | $1,680.00 | $20,160.00
3 $630.00 | $2,520.00 | $30,240.00
5 $1,050.00| $4,200.00 | $50,400.00
10 $2,100.00| $8,400.00| $100,000.00
15 $3,150.00| $12,600.00| $151,200.00

JOEL: (Texan accent) Yep, them there's a right pile o' purty little numbers, ah reckon.
TOM: (high-pitched falsetto with Cockney accent) Oooh, hit's got numbers on it. I carn't DO numbers....

THE QUESTION IS... how do you generate those orders?

CROW: At random, using the new Ronco Order-a-Matic!
JOEL: It slices, it dices, it makes julliene fries!
TOM: Order now! Operators are standing by!

OUR LATEST & GREATEST IS JUST RELEASED!

JOEL: Great, just what we need, _another_ el cheapo "Greatest Hits" collection...

THE MILLIONS CD - VOL. 9

CROW: Nine turkeys can fit into the volume of this CD!

>>> 10 MILLION NEW Addresses - Just Released! <<< THE VERY BEST email addresses available anywhere!!

TOM: Joel, how can you tell a good e-mail address from a bad one?
JOEL: Well, the ones that are just a bunch of random numbers and letters that don't spell anything are bad, because you can never remember them. Whereas the ones that do spell something are better. And then there's celebrity e-mail addresses, although it's always hard to tell if you've got the real thing or a hoax or their secretary's address instead, and you TRY to write to your favourite star but they just ignore you and by accident you post the message on their website's message board, but it contains a whole lot of personal stuff and you end up getting humiliated beyond all belief and the entire web sees it...(breaks down crying on Crow's shoulder.)
CROW: Geez, Joel, you all right?
JOEL: (sniff, sob...)

The Millions CD - VOL. 9, is the ABSOLUTE BEST product of its kind anywhere in the world today. There are NO OTHER products ANYWHERE that can compete with the quality of this CD.

TOM: Yes, OUR crappy spam product is MUCH BETTER than any of the millions of others exactly like it that flood your e-mail boxes with THEIR advertisements every day!

O N E O F A K I N D

CROW: Do they think writing in spaced-out capitals is supposed to convince us better, somehow?

This CD is a first. No one... and we mean NO ONE has put in the kind of work it takes to produce a CD of this quality.

JOEL: (recovering) Thank the Great Maker.

We've been in the list brokerage business for over 5 years and we've never compromised on quality. We won't release any address list until it passes our "high standards" test.

TOM: Our dog, "Boomer", must wag his tail at it before it qualifies.

Our claim to fame, is that our addresses are deliverable! The number #1 problem with email lists are deliverability. You may have seen dozens of ads for lists or CD's or you may have purchased a list in the past. Chances are,

JOEL: (warbling in a high-pitched voice) ...that I wear a silly grin, whenever you come into viiiieewwwww....

the list was produced 6 months, 1 year or even two years ago! Not ours, a new volume CD comes out every 4-6 weeks.

CROW: Sounds about the same as the gestation period for gerbils.
TOM: Hmmm. Spam and rodents. Makes sense...

Here's how we prepare our e-mail lists:

JOEL: First, make sure your hands are clean before beginning e-mail list preperation. Then, put on your silly-looking paper hat...
CROW: Welcome to Borger King. Where YOUR way is irrelevant!

1. We clean and eliminate all duplicates.

TOM: (imitating Arnold Schwarrzenegger) Typically, the subject being duplicated, is eliminated.
JOEL: But at least they die clean.

2. Next, we use a filter list of 400+ words/phrases to clean even more. No address with inappropriate or profane wording survive!

JOEL: Wait a minute...there are some problems with that. What if, say, the program was made to remove all instances of the word "sex"? Everybody from Sussex, Essex, and other towns like that in England would get cut out of their lists for no reason!
TOM: And count their lucky stars that they were.
JOEL: True.

3. Then, a special filter file is used to eliminate the "Web Poisoned" e-mail addresses from the list. Our EXCLUSIVE system reduced these "poison" addresses to near zero.

CROW: Whoah, I've heard of poison pen letters, but I had no IDEA you could do that with e-mail! Neat!

You may have seen CD's with 30, 40, 50 million addresses, not only do they contain may undeliverable addresses, but most are notorious for millions of these "poisoned" email addresses.

TOM: SO, I see you FELL for my poisoned e-mail address trap, MR. Bond...!

4. Next we used our private database of thousands of known "extremists" and kicked off every one we could find. NOTE: We maintain the world's largest list of individuals and groups that are opposed to any kind of commercial e-marketing... they are gone, nuked!

JOEL: (goofy commercial voice) Got a problem with extremists and anti e-marketers in your pores? NUKE it and forget about it!
TOM: Geez, I know spammers get mad sometimes that people delete their spams instead of reading them, but REALLY, this seems a little extreme!
CROW: Hey, that means _these_ guys are extremists, then! Can we nuke them, Joel, huh, can we?
JOEL: No.
'BOTS: Awwww...

5. We sorted the list into easy-to-manage packets of 20,000 addresses in a simple text (.txt) format.

JOEL: 20,000 is easy to manage? Geez, I'd like to see what these guys consider LARGE...

6. All domains have been verified as valid.

TOM: By Skippy the Wonder-Dog.
JOEL: We did that one already.

WHAT DID WE END UP WITH?

ALL: BUPKISS!

Volume 9... 10 Million Addresses Strong!

CROW: (singing) America we're, 9, 10, million addresses strong, and we believe, in you...

* N O B R A G - J U S T F A C T *

JOEL: (Joe Friday voice) Just the facts, ma'am.
TOM: That was pretty good, Crow.
CROW: I didn't do anything!

Getting this CD is equivalent to buying EVERY CD sold by almost everyone else, combined... EXCEPT -

TOM: Ours sucks twice as bad as all of theirs combined!

it has been cleaned and the quality is unsurpassed by any list in existence!

JOEL: (very dull, droning voice that makes you either want to fall asleep or PUNCH somebody) Here at the Shayne Company, we buy only the purest, most high-quality gemstone e-mailing lists, directly from the manufacturers in Belgium, and pass the savings on to you.
TOM: Joel, if you ever do that voice again, I'll be forced to kill you with a forklift. No offense. You understand.

With our super clean lists you'll send less...and get better results... plus you can start mailing as soon as you receive your CD!

CROW: Clean lists? How boring! Give me 'net porn! WHOO!
JOEL: I know a little robot who could use a time-out...
CROW: (gulp) I'll be good.

* Y O U G E T W H A T Y O U P A Y F O R *

TOM: So, then, in our case...nothing?

Our 10 Million, Volume 9, address CD will result in:
* Higher Response Rates
* Higher Sales Conversion Ratios

JOEL: Higher customers...
CROW: (Drugged-out idiot teenage voice) Whoah, dude, like, give me another hit on the bong, man, whoooahhhh....

* More Receptive prospects; Less Flames & Non-Buyers.
* Less Contact With Anti-Commerce Radicals & Extremists.

TOM: Hate to tell you guys this, but most people who don't like to recieve spam e-mails aren't "anti-commerce extremists and radicals" who follow Karl Marx or anything like that...they're just ORDINARY PEOPLE who want to be left ALONE!!
JOEL: Do you need a hug, Tom?
TOM: (sniffing) Yeah.
JOEL: (picks up Tom, stands up) Let's take a break. This is going on longer than I thought.
CROW: You said it, Hu-man!

(They all exit the theater.)

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