The First Annual MST3K Wacky Races: Part Four



WARNING/DISCLAIMER: Due to sexual innuendo and implied (but not shown) adult situations, this fanfic has been rated PG-13. If you are not old enough to read it, then don't. Or at least TRY to sound convincing when you lie to your mommy afterwards.

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We've got more company Manny

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Carmelita9000

Looks like Clay sent another spider to cause trouble. But that's ok. My spider can kick her spider's ass any day!
(Lita tosses a spider egg/rock at the enemy spider, hits him in the head and knocks him out cold.)
Now ManMan. You were saying?

Lita

* * *

Salute from the stands!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: LadyKenobi

Servo bursts into tears at Lita_n_Spidey's disruption of the picnic, and does his damndest to fling a watermelon after them....but alas, his arms, too, do not work. More tears.
Crow files a lawsuit.
Joel whips up some waffles and offers some to Mike: "Pancakes?"
Mike, however, cannot answer, as Lady Kenobi was "accidentally" thrown on top of him during the chaos. "So," she says. "Some?"
Crow files another lawsuit.

* * *

YES! A Downhill slope!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MSTzilla

Lookout everyone! MSTzilla is coming up to the front. Megaweapon is gonna crush anyone in the way. I've got the flamethrower working again and I'm dumping a load of boulders out the back! HAHAHA! And I can't hear any birds singing because of the sound of my engine!

MSTzilla
-Going for the lead!!

* * *

Lita, i was just saying...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan

That we could work together. We'd make a great team. There is no way I'd betray you ten feet from the finish line. What I mean to say is.... SLEEP!!!!

* * *

Putting Clay's troubles to music....

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Glaistig

For this occasion I'm pulling Digger Smolken's Hearse off to the side and pulling out my guitar:

"Teleported here and there;
take some dramamine for the travel!
Crushed under MSTzilla's huge tires,
and ground into a nice fine gravel.
Turned into an evil alien psycho Hot Chick,
and thrown into a muddy ditch,
then turned into a squirrel
by a clever little witch!
Lost in the woods without a clue,
severly messed up by deadly bees,
then shot at with lasers from all sides
Shoved up a spiders ass with ease!

Pardon as I chuckle while I sing this
Tis to hard to believe it true.
I doubt this is the final comeuppence
that will be dealt to you!"

* * *

Oh, well that sounds very... ZZzzz... 3/24/20 Lita_n_Spidey

* *

It's all falling in to place...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan

Now, it's time to turn in.
(ManMan kicks on the spider's autopilot and falls asleep as well)
Goodnight!!

ManMan

* * *

How are we gonna get anywhere??

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile

MM: It's our race right? I just happened to have another sprig. Hehehe!!
How?
MM: Simple. I grow 'em in a garden. See, theres that special sprig we lost to the spider person...
Lita
MM: Whatever. And there's this one...
(Mushroom man pulls from behind his back a special sprig that says "Highly dangerous, only use in emergencys...")
Oh, really now. You call THIS an emergency?
MM: Naturaly. (MM shakes it, and Archie turns into one of those wild boars. Bossie does the same.)
Oh, that's just GREAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!!
(Mel screams at the top of her lungs as they race forward unexpectedly. MM shakes the sprig again and the two are in the lead, but with the other racers close behind them...)

* * *

* * *

Eat choclatey coacoa death!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: tsunami7

With my Herculean strength and your back-seat tomfoolery, I shall smite you all with death from above! Have at you!
[starts throwing giant chocolate bunnies at back seat of car.]
What is that in the air? It flies like a moron!

Late.
Whoosh!
tsu7

* * *

Oh crap, my windshield's...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MSTzilla

...covered in spider guts! Guess it was "Megaweapon vs. the Spider" this time. Does anyone have a giant tissue? And what are those brown spots? Are those chocolate bunnies? Who the heck is wasting chocolate like that? Geeeshhh. I'm gonna notify that Indian, opps sorry, that Native American that was in those commercials about litter. That'll teach you guys. (turns on the wipers that do nothing) Well, if I hit anyone, it's not my fault. I can't see a thing.

MSTzilla -Riding with Death...blind

* * *

Here

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile

(Mel drops a wet wipe and it flys over to MSTzilla, who catches it.)
There we go. Now everything's fair... hey, Bossie, Archie, don't eat those!!! They'll make you sick, doncha know. Chocolate bunnies make people si...Ohh, yummy!!!! (Mel bites the head offa one of them.)
Oh, Mushroom man, this is good chocolate!!! Want some?
MM: ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz.
OK then. Hey, sleepy Elf head!!!
MM: Whaaa?? (in his startled confusion, Mushroom Head shakes his sprig at Mel, and she turns into an eagle.)
Greaaat. I'm an eagle... Hey wait!! I love eagles!!! Hey, with my new eagle sight, I can see the finish line!!
MM: No, you can't. It's all the way into tomorrow!!
Yeah, but I can still see it. So nah!! Hey, hold the reins for a sec, would you?
(Mel flys into the air as Mushroom head grabs the reigns. He pulls ahead with top speed and a mighty "hya!!" and Mel is nowhere to be seen...)

* * *

Thanks Smelly...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MSTzilla

...now I think it's time for me to put Megaweapon on cruise control, throw a rope around the steering wheel, and go to sleep. Damn where's Clay when you need her!? I don't have to stop because ole Megs here can drive over mountains, through houses, and through competitors like a Ked through an ant hill. See you guys at the finish line!

MSTzilla
-hoping to come down from the caffine high

* * *

(Mel soars into the air as an eagle...)

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile

and looks around.)
There he is, right on time!!
(Flying like a moron, here comes Cavewoman and Pumaman.)
I've come to do battle with you, moron. Not you, Cavewoman!!
(Mel taps the moron on the shoulder and he plummets down to the mighty earth.)
Fun!! I wanna do it again, but looks like it's time to go to sleep. *Yawn.*
(Mel soars off and has trouble catching up to the PigMobile. Archie and Bossie slow down for her to hop in, but then tear off into the sunset. And Mel ruffles her feathers and sleeps peacefully...
for awhile.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Editor's note...

OK, let's recap our female protagonist's journey so far. She's in the lead after rescuing Yamaglonche from a horrible fate. Now, her pigs have been turned to ravaging wild boars, who only are nice to Mel and Mushroom Man. She herself has been turned into a mighty eagle by a sleepy Mushroom Man. Now she's alsleep with Mushroom at the wheel, speeding steadily along the track in a slippery ice botomed sled.
Sleep well, me.
Oh, and also, I may wake up to find 1000 replies, putting me in the back (again) and with both my boars gone, me being a human instead on an eagle, and with my Mushroom Man gone. But I don't care. I'm really tired, and everyone seems to have gone to sleep as well.

Have a good night!!

(^_^)

* * *

::zooms out of the Jiffy Lube::

Date: 3/24/2000
From: SatansMaverick

Man, this car really needed a tune-up! Now I just gotta catch up!
Vrrrooooooooooooom!!!!

* * *

*Yawn.* I can't sleep, Mushroom could...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
you zip back and get me a Jack Frost Iceeee? What? Hellooooo!!!
MM: Oh, oh, what?
Were you asleep at the wheel?
MM: Uhh, noo, nooo.
Do they even have Jack Frost Icees?
MM: I don't think so. I'll go and ask dingle.
Oh, and get me a Krankor Cola if they don't have Icees.
MM: Fine.
Oh, and get me a Sloppy Joel!!
MM: OK.
OH, and get me one of those weird ass ass hats. One that has, ummm, *my* ass on it!!
MM: It wouldn't fit on a hat. It's too big.
Oh, ha haaa. I'll have you know, I work out *every day* and go to dance class *every day* and I have the greatest ass! Just ask my boyfriend!!
MM: You have a boyfriend?
Yeah. His name is Forrest.
MM: Is that supposed to be a pun?
No. Just go get me some refreshments, and I'll hold the reigns.
MM: Gotcha.

(But as soon as Mushroom Man pops off, Mel falls asleep. This time for real.)

* * *

Excuse ya ass out the fast lane!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88

Move it sleepy heads. Zigra can fly all night. I'll leave a trail of jelly beans for all of you who need to doze for a while. Just follow the candy until you catch up in the morning.
(Tells Zigra to carry on, puts his feet up on the dash, lowers the brim of his Rimmer's Fine Ass hat over his eyes, and takes a nap)

"KCTT"
Samurai88

* * *

Zzzzzzzzoom! Vrroooooom!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: SatansMaverick

I'm in the lead now! Eat my burning rubber!

* * *

(falls from the sky in...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Morgoth_Bauglir

...the 1941 Dull Greymobile!)
BWAHAHAHAHAAAAH! *My* racer is powered by Bread and Gravy!!! HAAHHA!

Morgoth
The Constrainer
Lord of the MFADs

* * *

Hey, Morg's in the race!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: SatansMaverick

Sorry to tell you that even bread and gravy can't beat the incredible power of SATAN!! Just a Touch of Satan will leave you speechless- and with silky smooth hands to boot!
Vrroooooooom!!
::leaves Morg in the dust::

* * *

Outa my way, sleepy-heads!!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: manosgirl

This sodium powered baby is taking over the lead. My small car can zoom and swerve like there's no tomorrow so look out, all you Japanese monsters you're just as vulnerable to my Sodium of Doom as poor dead Trumpy back there!!!! Hah! How's that for a run-on sentence!! VVVVRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh no I'm spinning out look out I can't control this thing!
AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!

* * *

You are here!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: BloodFairy

Stupid, sticky-handed Commander Cody! No OnStar System, been buzzing around trying to re-find the track. Lost my Linginberry Squishy in the wacky freak earthquake. Then in the explosions, transformations & Trumpy crisping, I totally lost control careening far off course.
The only way I found my way back was over the stench of Trumpy, extra-crispy style, I caught a whif of chocolate!
So I'm back!(sees small object jamming down road ahead) Gosh it almost seems like that car is fueled by bread & gravy! Hey I wonder if it would be super charged on Waffels!(flies down to offer waffels to Morg)

* * *

I'm BAAAAACCCKKK...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Sidehacker

Well, for a bit, anyway. Before I get into the racing, I got a couple of comments to other people:

GLASTIG: Geez, ya don't have to be so MEAN...(sniff) I know I'm being EVIL, but then again, who in this race ISN'T?! ;) Pretty much everyone is doing whatever the hell they please and that's the whole idea. My post about my "troubles" was because ManMan summed up what happened to HIM and said "Anyone else have a day like this?" And since I DID have a day like that...I answered him. :)

MSTZilla--"Where's Clay when you need her?" Need me for what? Hopefully not to grind under your tires again, but if there's anyone you want me to TWINKLE for you, or perhaps teleport them straight off a cliff, I'm there, buddy.
Not to say I won't do the same thing to YOU when your back is turned, but hey, nobody's perfect...

OKAY...let's get this show on the road!

Evil Joel has finished his movie, had a nice late dinner/early breakfast (of course, there are no time zones in space, so he can call it whatever he wants), had a chance to visit the little human's room, and changed into a nice fresh new elegantly dangerous black jumpsuit. (Complete with the proper Sinister Accessories: Black leather gloves and knee-high black leather boots with the pants tucked into them. If YOU can imagine Joel wearing this stuff and looking totally viciously insane, more power to you, because MY brain is freezing up at the concept!)
Anyway, he's had a good break and is all nice and rested and ready to BE EVIL for his fellow man! Or in this case, woman. He taps the control panel for the lasers LIGHTLY and a small blast shoots down right next to the Giant Spider. I mean, MY Giant Spider. It goes "YOW!", leaps to all eight of its feet, and is totally awake again. It goes in search of either another Giant Spider to battle, or perhaps a chubby young black-haired scientist to eat...
Gaos is still shooting lasers and blinding people with that weird gas. Unfortunately, nobody has any giant turntables or blood fountains with them to spin his brains out ("You spin me right round, baby, right round!" Uhhh...where was I?) Guiron and Barugon are doing...whatever they do. Sorry, I haven't seen those episodes so I don't know what their powers are. Anyway, destroying and stomping stuff. FUN!

(Has anybody noticed that, except for Samurai with his Zigra, I'm the main person bringing in all the JAPANESE stuff? Gaos, Guiron, Barugon, Captain Joe and his forklift? Hmm. Time to do one more...)

Pearl is nodding off at the handlebars and Clayton is just about to fall off the edge (sidehacks aren't meant to be ridden for hours on end, and her arms are TIRED!) so Clay sends one last command to Larry in Deep 13 and then retires for the night. To keep from being killed while she's asleep, she BLINKS herself aboard the Satellite of Hate.
Of course, that's not much BETTER, being all alone with the Evil Joel, who will stab you in the back as soon as look at you, but hey...SAAAAAaaayyyy...Joelie-Poelie-Puddin'-'n'Pie...I've never seen you in a BLACK jumpsuit before...it looks GOOD on you...veeerrrry good...let's just say that, unlike in the nursery rhyme, if you kissed THIS girl she wouldn't exactly CRY. Heh heh heh...
OH! Hi mom! Do you like the ship? Uh, ha. NOPE! I wasn't flirting with the deadly slinky evil killer in the sexy sinister outfit, nope, not me, uh-uh, no-way, no-how. He's not my type. No siree. You can go to bed now. You don't have to worry about me. Don't wait up. Hee hee.
HEY! MOM! Why are you carrying me into the theater?! I don't want to watch a movie now, it's 3:00 in the morning and my eyes hurt!
Uh...

SLAM!
CLUNK!
BANG!
THUD!
CLANK!
SNICK!
BOOM!

She locked ALL SEVEN doors. Oh, great. Well, at least these seats have velveteen covers and high backs, I guess they're SORTA comfortable...zzzzz....

(Meanwhile, down on Earth, the real Joel is VERY GLAD he isn't locked into a small space capsule with that crazy chick in the silver and green jumpsuit...)

Hey, I semi-lied. I said I wouldn't be using the Satellite as my vehicle. BUT, since everyone seems bent on killing me, transmogrifying me, flattening me into a thin bloody paste, etc. I figured I could use the SOH as a quiet resting place above the action so it'd be relatively safe for me to get some shut-eye.
Oh, and it is just me, or does anyone else think that before this is over, the Evil Joel and the Good Joel just HAVE to somehow meet each other and DUKE IT OUT? Huh? Huh? Wouldn't that be neat? Huh?
Well, let's put it this way, it's certainly the PROPER thing for good/evil doubles to do...

I almost forgot! The last command I sent to Dr. Erhardt before I beamed onto the ship. Want to know what it was?
Yep. You guessed it.
GODZILLA is now terrorizing the racers! BWAHAHAHA!! Hey, somebody had to bring him in SOMEtime...
Oh, and Kenny the Fugitive Alien is beating people up with his martial-arts stuff. HAI-KEEBA! Had to bring him in, too, just to complete the set!

For now, this is Clayton Forrester, saying good night out there...WHATEVER YOU ARE....BWAHAHAHA!!

--Clay--

(P.S. That ending line is from a cartoon called "Duckula". Anyone here ever see it? REALLY funny.)

* * *

Goood Morning. What the?

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MSTzilla

Hey how come Megaweapon isn't moving. And what's all this smoke in the cab? Oh CRAP. Looks like during the night, someone set a trap for me and Megs. Who puts a big stack of 55 gallon drums in the middle of nowhere?! Honestly! That's like throwing a shoe in a fight. Oh wait. I wouldn't put that past any of you. Man, I've got to air this puppy out so I can get back in the race. DAMN YOU PAPER CHASE GUY!!!

MSTzilla
-back in the race and following a trail of jelly beans or something

* * *

Hahaha!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire

While these fools fight on, my wheelchair continues to pull far ahead... (Hears the Gamera song)
Oh my god... can't stand it... the horror... Soth, you're evil! Stop the song!
(VV wheels off the road, and rams Soth's waxer as it catches up)

* * *

I thought I was attacking SatansMaverick

Date: 3/24/2000
From: RedFraggle

Miffy the firebreathing cat was jumping up and down on her roof.
Oh well. Come on Miffy. We'll get her later.
In the meantime I'm getting back on the three wheeler.

* * *

(Waking to the smell of martinis)

Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar

Whay happened? Oh yeah. Clay knocked me out and Shirley's been driving for me. Thanks Shirley! You're the best.
Now I'm back in the saddle, the balm I put on my ass from Clay's attack is working and I'm ready to race today!
But I'm hungry. I was on my way here and I smelled bacon. It reminded me of my famous pigsled sandwiches that I made the first time I ever played Show & Tell.
Heads up SmellyMel! Rimsey's HUNGRY!!!!!

* * *

Having fixed Exeter's spaceship....

Date: 3/24/2000
From: gypsymoon3

...after the Satellite of Hate blew it up, and chowed down some sugar-free jelly beans, gypsymoon3 limps back into the race. Beams in the 10,500 martinis that Rimmer didn't drink and adds them to the fuel tanks. Buys a Godzilla-sized hat and hangs it up hammock-style. Scoops up some of Soth's leaking wax and applies it to the outside of the ship, increasing its speed. Floors it.
Catches a glimpse of a shirtless Evil Joel on the Satellite of Hate and goes to pieces.
Approaching Litaspider, she runs it up the rear - literally.
Fortunately, she's waxed well enough to back right out. Sputters to near-maximum speed!

* * *

(takes advantage of getting up early....

Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath

to pull WAY out in the lead!)
Eat honey bunches of death! Hey tsu-zee Q! Nice to see you! Now die!
(rams tsu's chariot, causing the horses to neigh and rear up in a frenzy)
And Morgie, you're here! Huzzah!
(peals out, leaving Morg in her dust!)

* * *

...it's the sky...I'm...not dead

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Yamaglonche

ooh my head..not sure how I got here..the last thing I remember I was falling...falling..Oh yeah! There was an apple! And a big net...I seem to remember..pigs? The deep underground vapors have affected my memory.
The Race! I hope I didn't miss much...There's the SCREAMING LEMUR - some benevolent beings have saved me and salvaged my vehicle. I owe it to them to continue!
(pushes the SL to the crest of nearest hill)
Despite my broken bones and woozy head, I must strive to go on. Maybe I can find my benefactors and somehow repay them. Hey - a coconut! Here comes the SCREAMING LEMUR once again!

* * *

Hey Angel, I have a new dolphin....

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MalcolmFrink

He's bigger, better, and stronger. He knows how to please a crowd--if he has too but usually likes to put on his focus on one special lady.
His name is Richard. You know what I call him don't you?





























Ricky!



















Okay, that wasn't as funny as I'd hoped.

(Wurwolf, you know this is just a joke right? I don't want Schmoe busting down my door and bea the sh*t out of me!)

* * *

MUD PIT!!!!!!!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Nydia

Guess what, I left the hose on the Gumbo's firetruck running and now the road is all muddy.
That's real shame. I'll just leave you all to wallow in the mud while I take the lead....

* * *

The Ballad of the MUD PIT!!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Glaistig

"Here they come around the track,
not looking where they are going,
then SPLAT! they land in the MUD PIT,
their wheels spin out and they are slowing.
Try as they might to fight their way out
This mud pit has them all really stuck
Sucked deep, deep down into the ground
Each racer will sink into the mire and the muck.

This scenario makes me really sad
All those lives lost in this way
I was hoping to burry the fallen racers myself
I've been waiting for that all day!"


* * *

A joke -- yeah, right!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath

Of course I know it's a joke. That doesn't mean Schmoe won't bash down your door, though! Watch out!
(admires Malcolm's dolphin, Dick, but declines petting it)
Oh, his name was Ricky? Sorry, I make that mistake all the time.
(zooms away in the jiggling Angel Van of Death!)

* * *

I can change his name just for you!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MalcolmFrink

(She speeds away but I have no time to watch her jiggle. Well maybe a little.)
Here I come! No one can touch my dolphin once and not come back for more! He's ready to jump through your hoop baby!

* * *

peddle..... peddle...... puddle!!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: RedFraggle

AHHHH!!!!! Giant MUD PIT!!!

* * *

Listen, my boyfriend knows the kung fu!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath

Don't tangle with Schmoe, I'm telling ya. And I have never once touched your dolphin! If you're going to change his name change it to Greg or something.
(puts the pedal to the metal and races away!)

* * *

But you wanna touch him!!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MalcolmFrink

I saw that look in your eyes. He wants you to touch him. Come one! I'm an electrician! Woman love electricians!

* * *

Um, I really don't. Back off!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath

And I don't wanna "come one!"
(races ahead, desperately trying to get away from the Euro-trashy electrician and his Van O Luv)
VVVVVVRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

* * *

Good morning! Time to die!!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88

Of course I'm bringing Japanese stuff into the race, Clayton. Look at my handle. Could I have given a sillier person eyes with "sex appeal"? (jk Clay)
Soth is technically using Japanese stuff too since he's using hunks of the dead Gamera, may he rest in pieces, to fuel his floor waxer.
Now the death part: Another magnitude 15 earthquake! Not quite as bad as the magnitude 17 I did yesterday, but hey, I just woke up.
Rock, roll, and DIE! DIE! DIE!
(puts on his Samurai88's Wideass 10 gallon hat and cranks "Rawhide" on the CD player) Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!
o/' Rollin' rollin' rollin', keep them doggies rollin'. Keep them doggies movin', rawhide! o/'

"KCTT"
Samurai88

* * *

(Pulls next to Angel's van)

Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire

I TOLD you I'd get revenge for your taking my scouts!
(Hurls a toaster through the van's window)
That toaster's wired to blow in 10 seconds! Sweet dreams! BWAHAHAHAHA!
(Pulls ahead of the van)

* * *

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath

(while the countdown goes on, the boy scouts panic and start throwing the toaster around like a hot potato)
2...
(wurwolf swerves to avoid the ticking time bomb)
1...
(at the very last minute, she stops and grabs the toaster, throwing it into the oncoming path of Rimseys Deadly Bee car!)
KA-BOOM!!!!!!!

Sorry, Rim! I really am!

* * *

*** !!! KABOOOOM !!! *** 3/24/2000 RimseysDeadlyBeeCar

* * *

Rimsey, speak to me, speak to me!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath

(pulls over and jumps out of her van to help poor Rimmer)
I'm so sorry, Rimsey! Please don't send your deadly bees after me! Don't die on me, Rimsey! Stay alive!

* * *

How touching

Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire

You two have your emotional moment while I take the lead! Bwahahaha!
(Zooms off, as best as a wheelchair can zoom)

* * *

VV, want to want to touch the dolphin?

Date: 3/24/2000
From: MalcolmFrink

I saw you jiggling- hey! You're a guy!

* * *

"Where am I?"

Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar

Oh smeg! That really hurt! Luckily Shirley was prepared! She has a fold out Deadly Bee Car. It's not as roomy as the other car but what the Hell. It's a car.
I'll get you later wurwolf. I don't know how but I will. I hope Malcolm never leaves you alone! Take that!
(Gets in her new car and speeds off)

* * *

What shall Satan's minions do...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: SatansMaverick

...this morning? Hmmmm...
::stops the car on the side of the road and gets out::
Well, nothing says death like CARNATION ICE CREAM!
::slathers the road with CARNATION ICE CREAM::
Let's see you all drive through that! Buy my skinless anti-dragons, SUCKERS!!
::zooms off into the lead!!::

* * *

(Twitches insanely)

Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire

I.... DON'T.... JIGGLE!!!!
(3 exploding toasters burst through the windows of Malcolm's electician van)

* * *

from the wreckage I see

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Yamaglonche

it looks as though this race has been a bloody chaotic battle...my coaster the SCREAMING LEMUR is badly dented, and there's a mole-person in the back gesturing, but I am amazed that the SL now glides smoothly over the ground without even touching it! The earthquakes and mud pits have no effect on my now-magical vehicle! I don't understand, but maybe it has something to do with this fragment of green stuff stuck to the front. I can't see the other racers, but the sounds of explosions drift to me from the distance as I speed over the plowed-up and scorched earth. I have no control over my direction, the SCREAMING LEMUR seems to have a mind of it's own...or is it the doing of the enigmatic MOLE-PERSON? I merely lick my wounds and await the next development. Am I even going in the right direction? Who knows? I count myself lucky to even be alive at this point...

* * *

(overtakes that damn electrician)

Date: 3/24/2000
From: gypsymoon3

Touch THIS dolphin, Electrician Boy! (Opens up the ship's speaker with 18-foot subwoofer and BLARES MOZART'S "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIC" RIGHT INTO THE ELECTRICIAN'S VAN!!!!!)
That'll learn ya to push an unwelcome advance!
(Leaves him, drops Yamaglonche a jug of echinacea tea.) This will cure what ails ya, Yammie. Get back in the race!
Oh, look - I've picked up a stray hair. If I clone it, what will it be? (Puts it through cloning device.) OH MY GOD IT'S PUMAMAN!!!!!! Cavewoman, where are you?! I've got your ride!
Rimmer, ya gonna be alright? Who smoked your bees? Tell me and I'll rub 'em out for ya.
(Advances on Samurai88's "Rawhidemobile." Cuts off all the horse's tails. Quickly knits them into... a VIEWSCREEN MUFFLER!!!) RAWHIDE! YEEEE-HAAAAAAH!!!!
AND I TAKE THE LEAD!!!

* * *

YAAAAAAWWWNNN!!!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey

What happened? When did I fall asleep? ManMan, are you ok? Oh, you're just sleeping too. Wake up! I said wake up! Ok, fine lazy bones. I'll take this leg of the race myself.
Where am I? With the autopilot on, Spidey just behaved like a normal spider. Oh geeze! He decided to hide under the Angel's Van! I bet we're really slowing her down, being so big and all.
Why is there wax all over Spidey's behind?

Lita

* * *

(Drops the Zigra force bubble over....

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88

... gypsymoon3) There! Go deaf and still as the force bubble holds you in place and bounces your horrid Mozart back at you. Too bad Gamera is toast. You could use some monster sized help.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, to take the lead for the first time in this race!

"KCTT"
Samurai88

* * *

Argh!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire

(Watches as Gypsy, then Samurai steal the lead)
Hmm... out of toasters...
(as he zooms down the next hill, he snatches a hobgoblin puppet from the arms of a bystander, and hurls it at Samurai. As the hobgoblin takes Samurai into his deepest fantasies (probably has to do with Rimmer's much-vaunted ass) he sneaks around him and takes the lead again!!)

* * *

*WHAT?*

Date: 3/24/2000
From: gypsymoon3

*HUH?* CAN'T HEAR YOU I'VE GOT MOZART BLASTING ME AT 40,000 DECIBELS!!!
(Yanks the subwoofer wires out of the ship's wall). Dang! Was that the Rawhidemobile?
(Sprinkles some magic parsley lifted from Mel onto the horses' rears, and their tails instantly grow back.)
(Picks up the Satellite of Hate on her radar. Alters course slightly and pursues it.) Gotta get Evil Joel! GOTTA GET EVIL JOEL!!!!

* * *

I'm sick of freeloading.

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey

(Lita's Spider stretches it's legs to climb out from under the Angel's Van. Being so large, the effort that it takes for the Giant Spider to climb out overturns the van completely. Spidey trots off and leaves the Angel's Van behind, lying on it's side, wheels still spinning)
Who's in the lead now? I need to catch up!

Lita

* * *

Vv, you know you jiggle when you twitch! 3/24/2000 Nydia

* * *

(As Nydia laughs at her poor joke...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire

VV's trained pet monkey shoves a watermelon in her mouth>

Rimmer's ass (sigh)

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88

Holy smokes where was I? Get off my ship you..... (beats the hobgoblin to death with ancient Chinese rake fighting techniques)
You are so bald now, _VeGeTa_vampire.
(blurs _VeGeTa_vampire into the Zigra ship/monster, feeds him gray water and donuts, shaves his head, and puts him back in the race as Zigra inches into the lead)
Ha! I learned that trick from those Guiron people.

"KCTT"
Samurai88

* * *

*Yawn.* Hey, Yamaglonche,

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile

You do realize I saved you, right?? Just checking. At least my hideous death wasn't... hey!!! OH NO!
Man, I'm really behind now. I shouldn't have fallen asleep!! Hya!!!
(Archie and Bossie speed up and pull into the lead. all of a sudden, Mushroom Elf pops into the seat next to Mel wearing her hat and sipping her icceeee.)
Hey, Mister Man, what're you doing with my hat and food?? Where's my Sloppy Joel??
MM: *BUUURRP*
Oh, that's REAL attractive. Hey, Vegeta_Vampire!! Eat Ice!!
(Mel touches her sceptor to VV's back wheel as he pulls infront again. She cackles evily as he slows down)
Yay.

* * *

ha ha ha...mmmph!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Nydia

MMmmph mmmmph mph mmmph- ptooey! I like watermelon but that is too much.
I'm sending a robot to go and paint your jiggly body all kinds of pretty colors!

* * *

**Hey Lita!**

Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan

Have a donut! Yawn*** So, how'd you sleep?

* * *

Morning Sleepy Head!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey

Thanks for the donut. Last night was weird. I don't know how I fell asleep. Last thing I remember I was talking to you and then I must have just dozed off. Sorry, that was really rude! I guess this race is making me tired!

Lita

* * *

Being an eagle isn't all it's cracked up

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile

to be. You can't control ANYTHING with these dumb talons.
MM: Do you wan't to be a human again??
Oh, nononononono. No. It's just that... damn.
(Mel accedentally touches the sceptor to the ground and it turns to ice again. Bossie and Archie (as wild boars) slip and slide over the icey pavement.)
Pooo. (all the other racers slide sideways and have trouble starting up again.) Sorry, sorry folks!!! (The other racers fling rotten food at Mel.)
Mushroom Man: We're gonna have to get these guys some ice skates, or else we wont get anywheeee-- hey!! (Mushroom Man screams at Lita as a cabbage hits his head.)

* * *

Actually, Lita..

Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan

I kinda sorta maybe might have asked you to
SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, wake back up. We need to get rolling.

ManMan
PostGod

* * *

Nooooo!!

Date: 3/24/2000
From: SatansMaverick

My CARNATION ICE CREAM seems to have melted! I'm far behind and I wasted all that ice cream! Dammit, I'll get you for this, Satan! You're supposed to be on my side! What'm I gonna do now?!?!
::thinks::
Ummmm...
I've got it!
::quickly erects a shed (*snick* I said "erects")::
Now I shall begin to build my SECRET WEAPON right here in this very shed! Victory shall be mine!!

Em

* * *

It's morning in the stands.

Date: 3/24/2000
From: LadyKenobi

Lady Kenobi, who indeed has no pride, reluctantly rolls off Mike as Servo repeatedly rams her, demanding food. She whips up a mess of ice cubes for the bots and the boys.
Crow lies curled in the fetal position with a cold washcloth on his forehead, moaning when anyone speaks in a semi-normal tone of voice. "What the hell happened last night?" he moans. "Clowns were involved. That's all I remember."
Joel wonders aloud what he would look like in a black jumpsuit with slicked-back hair.
"Probably like a tool," Mike offers.

* * *

Ugh

Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire

(Shakes off the ice and spits out the gray water and doughnuts)
Aaagh... I've fallen way behind.
(Just then the robot catches up to him. In seconds, VV resembles a large NOT jiggly flower undergoing an identity crisis)
VV: Someone shall pay...
(races on)

* * *

Quit with the throwing stuff already,

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile

jeepers!
MM: I've finished getting ice skates for Bossie and Archie!!
I don't think those'll fit. (another flying cabbage beams Mel in the head.) Sorry, gee!! You try controlling a sceptor as an eagle. *Sigh.* Oh well, I'll fly up and see what's going on...
(Mel rises into the air once more and decends.)
MM: What did you see?
Well, I saw LadyKenobi, Mike, Joel, Crow in the fetal position, and Tom Servo who is ramming LadyKenobi.
MM: What about the race? (Mushroom man tries to squeeze the boars's hoofs into the tiny ice skates.)
Well, they're all still really mad at us. Escpecially VV. He looks about ready to kill someone.
(Finally, Mushroom Man fits the skates on the confused boars and hte PigMobile starts up again. The boars dont have a whole lot of luck with the skates, and they fall down. A lot.)
There's gotta be a way to that this road. Is Emby there?

* * *

(raises another cabbage to throw)

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey

Stupid Father Mushroom! I thought I killed him! Why won't he just stay dead! I hate these stupid little Omnipotent Sprites! I wish they didn't exist!
(Suddenly, a little imp appears out of nowhere, surprising the bejeebers out of Lita and ManMan)
Imp: Hi! I'm Omnipotent Spritey! Did I hear you say you wish Omnipotent Sprites didn't exist? Well, you get your wish!
(Father Mushroom suddenly dissapears without a trace)
Woo Hoo! The race is MINE now! This is gonna be great!

Lita

* * *

Thats it, i am done...

Date: 3/24/2000
From: el_bootblacker

me and the professor are heading to the bar to pound beers and watch the rest of the race, besides we long ago ran out of coconuts. we are gonna take our blown up car and pick up the porn obcessed guy from terror from the year 5000 and pound suds the rest of the day... or maybe....
may not be finished yet

el_b

* * *

Hey, Where'd Mushroom Man go??

Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile

Omnipotent Spritey: Nooooooooooooo Omnipotent Sprites!! Hehehehe (Whistleing sound.)
Oh yeah? Well that means you don't exist, soooo thereee!! Ha!
(Omnipotent Spritey dissapears, and his magic along with him. Mushroom Man returns.)
MM: Well, that was weird!!
Hey, I've got an Idea!! Oh, I hate giant spiders. I hope I never see another Giant Spider as long as I live.
(A tiny spider animation appears, and speaks.)
Spidey: Hi! I'm Spidey, the Giant Spider sprite they call me. You wished you'd never see another giant spider again as long as you lived.
Yep.
Spidey: Well, I'll make sure you get that wish. No more Giant spiders from now on.
(Lita's spider dissapears from under her, and she falls to the ground.)
How do you like them apples, huh? (Mel and Mushroom Man pull ahead with thier ice-skated boars.)



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132 tourists have been dumb enough to dare to watch the Wacky Races since April 3, 2000. Of course, they were all killed by a heaping mound of CARNATION ICE CREAM, but hey...