Knuckles' Chaotix Comic Book Adaptation
A Review by Chaos Theory T. Echidna--PART TWO.
Okay, everybody back into the theater, we got COMIC SIIIIIGGGNNNN!!!! (Those of you "MiSTies" out there will know what I'm talking about...)
Now we have two shorter stories starring the Chaotix characters. The first one is called "Tag! You're It!" and I guess it's supposed to show us their playful side, and have them getting together more as a group, but it's stupid and badly written. And their insistence on drawing Charmy with RED antennae and GREY goggles that aren't even the right shape is really starting to get on my nerves...Anyway, it starts off with Charmy deciding to initiate a game of "tag" on the Island for no apparent reason, so he flies up and WHAPS Mighty on his shell. (Like he'd FEEL a hand that small through his armour!) This annoys the hell out of Mighty, however, who then goes over to take out his revenge on Vector, since Charmy is too small and fast for him to catch. (Also if he "tagged" him too hard, it would be more like SWATTING him. Eeek, poor little buggie...) Charmy then does a "stage whisper" aside to the camera in which he says that he knew Mighty would be easy to get started--now let's see if the others want to play as well. Charmy Bee--sophisticated, elegant, charming teenage bee Prince, or bratty ten-year-old Prince of CHAOS? You be the judge. He then flies over and warns Vector that Mighty is in a bad mood without saying WHY (and if you ask me, anyone who gets THAT mad about being tapped in a place where they practically have no nerve endings to speak of was ALREADY in a pretty darned bad mood! Take a Prozac, Mighty, SHEESH!) Vector asks if Mighty's bad mood is caused by a "bad hair day" (uhhhh....armadillos don't have fur...they have scales...) and the armadillo in question then shows up. Now, Mighty doesn't quite seem to have mastered the concept of the game of "tag"--you're supposed to just TAP the person, not knock them over on their face! It's called TAG, not tackle football! Moron. So then Charmy teases Vector some more, causing Vector to decide that since he can't hurt Charmy, he might as well go after Mighty instead. Makes sense, 'cos after all, Mighty IS the person who just beat him to a pulp for no reason whatsoever. Anyway, they then get into a fight while Charmy flies off laughing, presumably to put blue jello in everyone's shower-heads, and probably after that he's going to TP Sally's hut, then impersonate Robotnik on-line and get him subscribed to TONS of spam e-mailing lists. Charmy Bee, Spirit of Strife, ladies and gentlebeings. Take a bow.
Back to our fight, Vector says something about how cool his moves are so Mighty of COURSE knocks over an entire tree. Like I said earlier--THIS guy is one of the HELPER-GUARDIANS?!! Vector manages to slither out of the way in time, but lands on Espio, who seems to be in the habit of sleeping invisible, out in the open. Which does NOT sound like the safest of practices, if you ask me. Then Espio cusses out Vector (not literally) and stumbles into a bush, where he meets--OH, NO! WHAT A HORRIBLY DARK AND MYSTERIOUS FIGURE OF DANGER! WHO could this strange shadow BE?! Aw, for cryin' out loud, it's only Archimedes, get a grip you guys...
With the "dramatic" statement that we can learn more about this strange new person (if we WANT to) in Sonic #31, we take a quick silly break for Espio to tag Charmy back and go on to the next story, which is called:
The Hunt is On!
Knuckles shows up yelling that they're being attacked, and everyone ducks as a lot of "whachamacallems" as Mighty refers to the grenades, go whistling over their heads. During this, Knuckles still manages to find time to explain that some guy named Archimedes is behind this and that he doesn't know why. Well, ya think that maybe the fact that Mighty put a hole through one of the fire-ants' ENTIRE MOUNTAINS in the earlier story might have had something to do with it?! Anyway, Vector falls through a hole in the grass for no reason--quite a ways--and bumps his head, taking him out for the count. Then one of the whachamacallems hits Charmy, of all people (I say that 'cos he's the smallest, fastest, and HARDEST to hit) and he falls backwards onto a bush with his eyes X-ed in the traditional comic-book way of showing that a character is unconsious or has been whapped upside the head. This would have been rather cute and touching had he been drawn better, and had his body position looked more like he had actually fallen, rather than stretching when you first wake up in the morning. Anyway, Espio then decides it's no use hiding anymore and decloaks from what is rapidly starting to look like his favourite tree--again. But Knuckles can see him anyway, when he IS cloaked! What does this mean? Could this be the END for PULSEMAN?! I mean, yeah, yeah, Guardians, Haven, Chaos Powers, basically a living Emerald, yada yada been there, done that, heard it, bought the movie tickets. But of course we're not supposed to know that at this point so the authors are having fun being all mysterious and suspenseful again.
So then the others decide to just walk off and leave poor helpless Charmy there on the ground to "sleep it off" (couldn't they at LEAST put him in a tree or something, so he can't get stepped on?!) and Mighty has a brief sorta-touching moment where it looks as if he's almost trying to pet the little bee or something. Or maybe he's taking his pulse. Whatever. So anyway, they leave. Oh, yeah, THAT makes sense. "One of our friends was just hit by a GRENADE, but let's leave him here, he'll be FINE! It's only a flesh wound!"
So then a robot pops out of the bushes for no reason and Mighty grabs the opportunity to test his "matchless strength" (yeeeccccchh! And I'd like to see what BUNNIE has to say about that...) and the two of them both beat each other silly while Knuckles and Espio keep going. Geez, didn't these people ever hear of sticking up for your friends...?
Then another robot shows up and grabs Espio from behind, making it so that he can't talk. His "MMMMMMMM!!"-ing for help just causes Knuckles to tell him to be quiet so he can sneak up on their "target". Of course, he doesn't look behind until the robot has disappeared into the shadows and it's too late. Duh, somebody give this "hero" a brain, please...
Then the mysterious prescence basically says what _I_ said--that he should have been paying more attention to his friends (and they to each other) instead of just focusing single-mindedly on the goal of stopping a threat to the Island. We are then told that if he wants to find out whose threatening it and why, he'll have to read Sonic #31. Sigh. Yet another one I gotta add to my list of back-issues I'm going to order so I can understand the entire Knux storyline finally...
And it is OVER! Finally! Everybody out of the theater, Dr. Forrester and T.V.'s Frank thought they had us beat with that turkey but we survived it! Yahoo! Time to push the button and end this review.
Push the button, Frank.
WHOOSH
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stupid tourists have decided to REALLY punish themselves by reading the entire Chaotix special review, not just the first part. And afterwards, they all decided to go buy a 32-X online somewhere and play the REAL game instead!