The Empty Grave of Edgar Allan Poe

TRAINING

          “..... of dog muck. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of the smallest inconvenience. What may seem totally insignificant can set off a train of events which can undermine even the most supremely well-adjusted client. This attention to detail is the key to success in your chosen profession. If you ignore the little things and concentrate instead on constructing the huge device you run the risk of failure on a similar scale. Visit the library and consult the accounts of such disasters. They make for a dispiriting read, though highly instructive for trainees. Remember the old maxim, ‘pride goeth before a fall’. It is wise to file that in your minds alongside that other great teaching, ‘nothing lasts forever’. Any one of you, even now at the very start of your course, could flick the switch to drive your client to suicide. There is no skill involved in that. You possess the power but our purpose here is to teach you how to restrain yourselves from using it. It is not clever, it is not ‘cool’, it is not something to be proud of, the power is yours as of right but its random exercise only serves to deplete the world of natural resources. ‘Nothing lasts forever’, always bear that in mind and you will learn to curb your excesses and keep your client safe for its natural term.

          I know our work has been summarised by that terrible piece of doggerel, ‘Get to know your client, see what makes it tick. Offer it a carrot, then hit it with a stick’. But that applies to the meanest horse-soldier in our ranks, the rest of us can take enormous pride, justifiable pride mind you, in our work. For without us, where would our clients be? Rutting in some field with the other animals.  Still, I would  recommend you take the first line of that so-called ‘poem’ to heart. Your knowledge of your client is the foundation of all your work. Our clients possess many fine qualities, admittedly intelligence is not among these, but they are a highly resourceful and resilient bunch, whose essential naivety is masked by a touching faith in their own importance. They  will endure almost anything to stay alive, which of course makes our job so much more rewarding. However, do not be afraid to slacken the strings occasionally. Feel free to give your client what  it thinks it wants. It is easy enough to have it turn out badly and that can be the sweetest misery of all.

          However, the purpose of this introductory lecture is merely to give an overview of your profession, I do not intend to examine in detail the various methods we suggest you employ. As well as the Theory and History core modules you must also choose four others to attain your qualification. Sex and Retail Sales, I know, are over-subscribed already but the other modules are equally important and you should not be disappointed if you failed to enrol for the Big Two. I myself take Ambition and I can also wholeheartedly recommend Professor Gabriel’s Mail Order. Whatever you choose, I would suggest that you also take note of the reading lists for the other subjects and try to familiarise yourself with the key works. I know that specialisation is the fashion of the day but those of us with more years under our robes than we care to remember, those of us in fact who were in on the first job, excuse the pun, from which this great institution was born, we know that all things are interconnected, that the client is the sum of all its parts and its misery cannot be fully exploited by taking one strand of its being and stretching it until it snaps. I know this is not the current thinking. I know that the philosophers among you will point to the aesthetics of taking one weakness of a client and shaping it and forming it into a thing of beauty before working it to death, but I beg to disagree. We are not artists, we are craftsmen, and a skilled craftsman must have a working knowledge of all his available tools, not merely the ability to wield, albeit perfectly, a screwdriver. Still, I digress. These things  should not concern you at this stage in your development. There will be plenty of time for abstruse debate before you leave this academy and take up your employment.

          A final word then on that. Many of you I am sure will graduate with honours and will be accepted into the higher ranks of the domestic division. Others will find rewarding employment in Marriage. Some of you will of course be consigned to the cavalry. I know the War department is not as fashionable as it once was but anyone who has signed on for  Professor Michael’s  module will, I am sure, find it infinitely fascinating. And of course there is Famine. Do not look upon this as failure. Famine is not the mere drudgery it seems to the uninitiated. There are endless possibilities for amusement and the hours are not bad. However, if you do find yourself taking up a post which you feel is beneath your talents I implore you do not throw away your heritage and cross the water. I see you all shaking your heads as though such a thing could never be contemplated but I have seen too many shaking heads and signed too many damning reports to know that what is unthinkable now will seem eminently reasonable at some point in the future. Some have crossed the water for they believe the adverts, they see it as a land of opportunity, others see the prospect of protecting a client from the ravages of Fate as somehow more rewarding than their natural work, and of course there are those who believe the old lie that Nick’s racket is merely just another branch of the service and all our admonitions against crossing the water are there to maintain staffing levels in the more mundane sections of the operation. It is true we make use of Nick and his organisation, one of our greatest tools after all is envy, but we do not approve or support his work because it is essentially meaningless. He is the Lord of Lies, promising all manner of happiness and debauchery to his poor clients for their allotted time but robbing them of the hope of eternal peace. That is cruelty indeed. We on the other hand have always been honest with our clientele, informing them at every possible moment that life is but a vale of tears, but offering  them always the certain knowledge that one day the misery will end and they will spend eternity in that state of pure bliss which they refer to as Heaven and we know as non-existence. Nothing lasts forever. So, shake your heads at the thought of crossing the water and mean it. If you could see Nick now you’d know the effects of living a lie, his days of pin-dancing are long gone. Besides, now we have opened the Computer section there will be plenty of interesting work here for everyone.

          So, I will conclude my remarks with a little tale told me by the Master many aeons ago. It seems there was once a man .....”