The Daughters of Strongbow, Part One: Chapter 5 A Self-MSTing by Alan (John Alan Riggs) Disclaimers: See the end of this document. (The scene opens on the Satellite's bridge. Only Mike is in sight, and he is wearing a suit coat, a plaid tie, black pants, and white tennis shoes. His voice is straining, so as to sound important.) MIKE: We, the MSTing Department of the Satellite of Love, are pleased to present the comments and criticism of our esteemed peers. (Crow enters, clad in a small grey suit coat. He also sounds more well-educated.) CROW: Indeed. Our first comment comes from The Silicon Phoenix, who writes... >An excellent MSTing . . . ! *much applause* My fellow Idaho >MSTies/Questers/OWLs and I enjoyed it very much! (Tom Servo enters the scene, but without any formal wear. He still tries to make his voice sound snobbish.) SERVO: Thank you, Phoenix, for the briefness of your thoughts. The next esteemed comment comes from Skyfire, who said... >...I love it. I've seen a total one one MST3K...and bits of a few >more, but, even better : I don't need to! It's making great sense! > >...just one thing. If you want to be REAL MST3K...you need dumber >jokes . > >Keep it up! > > >You have the rare honor of being one of the few fanfics I am actually >reading, instead of stuffing in another folder and 'intending to >read'. MIKE: How intriguing, they ask that we put our riffs on a lower level. CROW: Oh, that's curious, all right. (Crow reverts to his normal voice.) I gotta get out of this coat before it kills me! SERVO: The next entry comes from Seeker. This person's thoughts are a bit too lengthy, but here's a few of them... >ROTFLMAO!!!!!! > >That was great!!! > >I was actually glad I read it off-line, otherwise I would have >startled the others in the public PC-rooms with my laughing so many >times, the nice men with white clothes and an especially custom- >tailored coat for me would have brought me back to my comfy room with >four cushioned walls. CROW: Indeed. MSTing does tend to cause some individuals to shed their sanity. MIKE: And now we move on to Comuptor, who contributed the following ideas... >This is *wonderful*! Definetly has my vote for most enjoyable fanfic >of the year so far! > >If you really wrote this, wow, you sucked once. Good to see someone >make an enjoyable story out of what could once have brought only >pain.:) SERVO: Well, "Daughters" is better than a lot of fanfics I can name, but then again, we're just halfway through the first part... CROW: And, finally, we have EEEOR98@aol.com, who said... >This was really good. Do it again! Do it again! CROW: So, have we had any criticism? MIKE: Yes. There was one e-mail from a person who was offended by the way we made a lot of sexual riffs at the Introduction. So, since then, I've turned down the bots' Sicko Meters... (Immediately, Crow throws off his formal coat. The bots both drop their fake voices.) CROW: You traitor! You never told us that. SERVO: Yeah. That's going pretty low, Nelson. MIKE: (Mike drops his snob accent.) Look... this is for your good and mine. (Without warning, Dr. Forrester's head suddenly appears in the air. Clearly, it is a holographic image, but all three MSTers are a bit shocked.) DR. F.: Greetings, lab rats! Not feeling too well? Well, I'm sure it will cheer you up to get right back to the fanfic! SERVO: Hardly, Doc. Reading this fanfic so much is making me feel ready for "Robot Monster" again. CROW: Wimp! (The fanfic sign goes off, and the image of Dr. Forrester's head disappears.) MIKE: Anyway, I think it's time to stop quarreling, because we got fanfic sign! SERVO & CROW: OK... (Together, they walk into the theater, and take their seats.) >5: The Little Things > >When ten trolls emerged from a tunnel into the cool, dark woods, they >saw no trace of any elves. They had escaped! And to make things >worse, the trolls knew nothing of the woods... > >Strongbow felt the evil more than ever. It was not only within, but >he certainly felt something from outside now. MIKE: What did that sentence accomplish? SERVO: We've got Strongbow getting funny feelings. How much stranger can this fanfic get? Call in now with your bets... >And it was not Bearclaw. Was this a warning not to do this act... >this "Forbidden Joining" that he was so certain of? No, of course >not. CROW: (Strongbow) I must obey the voices in my head! >Strongbow's anger at Bearclaw, kept quiet for so many seasons, now >would be released in one great burst. > >The red-haired archer was as a starving wolf. What evil pulsed in >his soul, he could not have known. The Wolfrider hunter was usually >not this way... SERVO: Usually?! You better believe it! This fanfic has made him into some sort of psychotic. >Such an incident as Cutter going off with a few friends, and >encountering nothing - that would not usually affect Strongbow. But >what was "usually"? The Way was all there was. > >Strongbow, whose soul name was Rael, went to the Father Tree, where >Joyleaf had gone. Her soul name was Anya. CROW: I won't tell them your... name. I won't tell them your name. MIKE: We really don't need another fan-made soul name thrown at us. What we need is coherent narration... and some explanation to tell us about what's going on here. > >--Character Profile 7: Joyleaf-- >Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age: adult. Soul name: Anya. >Relatives: cub Cutter. Love/Lifemate: Bearclaw. Likes: Peace, >justice, family. Dislikes: Impulsiveness, evil. Other info: Joyleaf >is the Recognized lifemate of the Blood of Nine Chiefs. She is >loyal to her tribe and family. And yes, I made up the Forbidden >Joining. ALL: Gyaaahh! MIKE: Please, God... no self-insertion! CROW: The fourth wall is gone, baby, gone. SERVO: I don't think I can take much more of this... >Quote: "Let me tell you cubs a story..." > >Foxfur arrived at the tree that housed Bearclaw's family (and >friends) not long before that. She knew who was where, and at what >time. SERVO: Is it just me, or does Foxfur need some major help? MIKE: It ain't just you. >It was a gift of powerful Sending, given to her by her father - >Strongbow. And Foxfur could tell that Bearclaw had just left (he >felt something funny), Joyleaf had just gone to the Father Tree (Why? >She didn't know), CROW: Big hint here, Foxfur. Think "plot convenience." >and the friends Cutter and Skywise were home alone. She turned to >Marcis, Sezen, and Dobil, and whispered, "Ready? Do your best, and >lock-Send on the silver-haired one!" > >Skywise had been peacefully talking to his friend. Chief Bearclaw >had left, brooding mysteriously. SERVO: Forget Strongbow... what *has* this fanfic done with Bearclaw? He's underacting, and acting like a hen on Prozac! >Something strange was in the air. Even the humans far off could >tell this. Anyway, little Skywise was paying no attention to the >world outside. Suddenly, his head was bombarded by four elves lock- >Sending. He saw ferocious trolls, blood and pain, no, a terrible >confusion, the whole tribe mocking him! CROW: (Skywise) What a short, strange trip that was. MIKE: There's gotta be a connection between fanfics and illegal drugs. SERVO: It's almost like the fanfic author had experienced it firsthand. >"Huh? Skywise? What happened to you? Something's going on here!" MIKE: (Cutter) It's like we're stuck in a crappy fanfic! >interrupted the blond-haired (an unusual trait for an elf, from his >mother Joyleaf) Cutter. The future chief shook his friend's body, >for Skywise's eyes were spinning rapidly. > >As Skywise recovered from the intense Sending, the only thing the >two friends heard was stifled laughter. They were down one friend. CROW: I don't think this author accepts the idea that Skywise and Cutter are bi. SERVO: Agreed. But if that was actually included in this fic... it would've gone straight to eleven! >--Character Profile 8: Cutter, Blood of Ten Chiefs-- >Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider. Age: youth. Soul name: Tam. >Relatives: father Bearclaw, mother Joyleaf, uncle Treestump. Love/ >Lifemates: none yet. Likes: Family, tribe, greatness. Dislikes: >Heights, evil. Other info: At this point, Cutter is only a child, >but later on, he will grow up and be the Wolfriders' chief. MIKE: Damn, this fic doesn't trust its readers! *Anyone* who's ever read "Elfquest" knows that. CROW: It could be worse. Just keep telling yourself that. >Quote: "Follow me, Wolfriders!" > >--Character Profile 9: Skywise-- SERVO: I swear, this fic has more character profiles than "X"... but at least that overly long "X-Men" fanfic was worse than this. >Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider. Age: young adult. Soul name: Fahr. >Relatives: mother Eyes High (dead), father Shale (dead). Love/ >Lifemates: Foxfur? CROW: We have... monotony break! >Likes: Knowledge, females, optimism. Dislikes: Hate, cruelty. Other >info: Skywise is a bit out of control, having no actual relatives. MIKE: Huh?! Yeah, they're dead, but Skywise didn't just *exist*! CROW: You're gonna nitpick too? >However, he is usuallly portrayed as an insightful young elf who is >Cutter's best friend. Quote: "F-Foxfur? Is... she all right?" > > >At once, the wolves howled with all their might! An enemy was here! >Not humans - worse! From a patch of rock! SERVO: Fun with exclamation points! MIKE: It could be worse - this could be !!!Victor Von Doom!!! > >The Wolfriders all left their resting places. One-Eye, Treestump, >Moonshade, Redlance, Nightfall, Clearbrook, River, Amber, SERVO: Don't know the last two very well. I think they were mentioned in one of the "Blood of Ten Chiefs" prose books. CROW: I'm just trying to pretend that everything is normal... >Longreach... nearly all of them, including Bearclaw. Of course, >certain ones could not go (Scouter, Dewshine, Woodlock, Rainsong), >and some, such as Joyleaf, were spared the call. MIKE: Plot convenience number 2. SERVO: That's bullshit. Joyleaf went with the party on the search for Madcoil... why would they "spare" her "the call"? >And Strongbow stayed behind as well. Coincidentally, Foxfur and her >new friends just happened to stay behind. "Don't bother with the >trolls," Foxfur told them, though they almost gave in to the hunt. CROW: (Go-Back) Must... resist... temptation... > >As his fellow elves left, Strongbow forced his way into the Father >Tree. Joyleaf was still all alone. A dagger was in Strongbow's hand. MIKE: Sentences reduced to fragments. >**Greetings,** Rael snarled. > >What followed is an event too dark, too hideous to be described by >any sane author. Change... Joining... and hideous Sending... SERVO: Whips and chains... CROW: God, this author needs help! He changes tense, skips over this "forbidden joining" that we've been hearing about for the last twelve chapters, and thinks he's sane! MIKE: Sane in an insane world? You decide. > >The sudden hunt was a success. These intruders - large, powerful >trolls - over half were now dead, and the others had retreated far >away. SERVO: Now *that's* a plot convenience! Who wants to bet that the rest of the trolls will be back later? CROW: I'm on. >And it was assumed that they would not be back. It was too bad that >Longreach had to die in the battle. MIKE: And so Lando died, unforgiven... CROW: Can we say anticlimax, boys and girls? >He was an old, honored elf, and the Wolfriders did what they could. >But where had Strongbow been? MIKE: Somewhere else. Let's get out of here, guys! SERVO & CROW: Good idea. (As the fanfic fades from the screen, they leave the theater.) -- There were two somewhat obscure references in this one. "Victor Van Doom" is a fanfic writer, but not a good one. Among other atrocities, he made a crossover between "Sailor Moon" and "Spider-Man," and yes, he used !!a lot of misplaced exclamation points!! Also, the "Lando died, unforgiven" line refers to a group of "Star Wars" fans who want nothing less than this character dead. Three more chapters to go... please keep sending your comments! -Alan (both in the USA) Disclaimers: "Elfquest," its characters, etc., are copyright 1978-1998 Warp Graphics. "Mystery Science Theater 3000," its characters, etc., are copyright 1988-1998 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing was created by John Alan Riggs on October 3, 1998.